Friend gave me her rubbish. AIBU to feel so hurt by this?

[MyShinyWhiteTeeth]

I've been struggling more for money the last few months. I am not broke but I have to really watch what I spend and budget.

A friend bought round some unwanted supplies as she knew I am short this month. I was really touched by her kindness at first but was then a bit shocked to find that all the food was out of date, opened or manky. She has very high standards on food so I'm amazed she could have found most of it acceptable.

The bread was mouldy, some of the jars were opened or way past their use by date, the vegetables were way past their best. From the two large bags of supplies she gave me only 2 items were not put straight in the bin after she left.

I feel really upset and let down by her. I can't believe she didn't notice it was all rubbish except for two obscure food items that I'll probably never use.

AIBU to want to end the friendship over this? It feels like I'm overreacting but I just feel so hurt she gave me two bags of rubbish and I thanked her so much.

[madamedeluxe]

Well that’s all a bit extreme. Who has food that manky in their cupboards let alone give it to someone else?

[MissUGirl]

there are 2 types of people in terms of how they react to others in this world - those who are sure people are out to do harm to others and are quick to take offence over really quite minor things, and those who think that most people don't set out to do harm,msot take easy offence and look for plausible, balanced explanations.

Spot on @WombatChocolate. This is the only real wisdom that is to be gained from this thread.

You will all find you are much happier if you seek to be the second type of person Wombat describes.

[redcarbluecar]

I think it's odd that when she gave you the stuff she didn't acknowledge that some of the jars were already open etc ("Can you make use of them anyway?") - just gave it to you as if it was new stuff. I'd definitely want to say something to her, the manner of which would depend on the nature of our friendship and whether I wanted said friendship to continue or not.

[Dillydallyingthrough]

I agree 100% with @WombatChocolate

It depends what she is normally like as a friend. I use tins and jars out of date, I never manage to use an opened jar in 2-3 days. I also use veg that others would throw out by making soups, split overripe tomatoes I make into pasta sauce. But all if my friends would say I have high standards when it comes to food because I'm a good cook. Yesterday I gave a friend a half used jar of an expensive, niche item as she mentioned making something that she could use it in whilst round for lunch (although I appreciate I offered it half opened and she accepted so it is different). Me and my neighbours give each other stuff from the fridge that will go off whilst we are away - we always say chuck it if you can't use it but we're not offended if it's on it way out.

I'm assuming as she is a friend, she is normally a nice person? Maybe she wouldn't be bothered by receiving opened jars, stuff that's not very fresh so didn't realise you would be.

[Nanny0gg]

@FireflyEden

Just graduated from charm school have you?

So you just came on here to be nasty?

[Someoneonlyyouknow]

Reading your update the old veg sounds worse than mouldy bread. Perhaps her food standards are not as high as you have been led to believe? There is no way you wouldn't see tomatoes etc were so far past it. I still think she left bags sitting before delivery, otherwise she is plain weird.

[cabcab]

@FireflyEden and you a relative of @Branleuse ?

[Nanny0gg]

I cannot believe the number of people that think being given mouldy/out of date/opened (who knows when?) foodstuffs is acceptable and done out of kindness and the OP should be grateful.

I absolutely don't believe you'd accept it and if you'd give it you should be ashamed.

[megrichardson]

there are 2 types of people in terms of how they react to others in this world - those who are sure people are out to do harm to others and are quick to take offence over really quite minor things, and those who think that most people don't set out to do harm,msot take easy offence and look for plausible, balanced explanations


What a smug, over-simplified view of the world, set out as if it's some great insight. What happened to the OP is insulting no matter what way you look at it, and I tend to think that there's far more than two types of people in the world.

[BlackCatSleeping]

I'm always shocked at the lack of compassion from some people on MN.

A friend of mine used to do charity collections for people in need, and unfortunately a lot of people do seem to believe that charity means they should be grateful for any crap, or that it's a good way to dump rubbish basically. Stained clothes full of holes or goods past their use by date. She had to go through everything and chuck a lot out.

I would definitely feel disappointed with what your friend did. It wasn't very kind.

[MyShinyWhiteTeeth]

She's really fussy about out of date food so I can't believe it all even came from her cupboards. I would understand one or two unusable items but it really was all rubbish.

I've sent a message which is a combination of two of the suggested replies on here. I thanked her for thinking of me but said that the food was not really usable and past its best apart from the mock duck and ginger. She's replied saying she thought I was happy using out of date food as I'd had a go at her recently for throwing out an expensive jar of jam (smiley face)! That was ages ago and I probably was a bit OTT and patronising about it.

So it wasn't an accident. I think it's supposed to have been a joke! I don't find it funny at all.

[S1naidSucks]

Apparently this happens all the time at school collections for harvest festival etc. People are basically using it as an excuse to clear out their cupboards and feeling bountiful.

I had to go to a food bank when my husband took ill and I had to leave work to care for him. I on a few occasions received opened and reclosed packets of food. Just no! I’m not going to risk feeding my family something that has be reclosed, as I don’t know if it’s been tampered with. It’s not the fault of the volunteers, as I know they would always chuck opened food.

I occasionally buy a friend some food and always make sure it’s got a really good date as I know he might not eat it right away. What she has done sounds disgusting. It’s possible she had the stuff in the bag for a couple of days, planning to give it to you, but the heat has made it go off and she didn’t realise. On the other hand, do you think she is being weird and spiteful because you wouldn’t lend the other friend money? Is she trying to insult you?

[S1naidSucks]

She's replied saying she thought I was happy using out of date food as I'd had a go at her recently for throwing out an expensive jar of jam (smiley face)!

X post. What a cheeky fucker. I’d gather the whole lot up and dump it on her doorstep. The friendship would be well and truly over for me. Sorry OP.

[wildcherries]

She's replied saying she thought I was happy using out of date food as I'd had a go at her recently for throwing out an expensive jar of jam (smiley face)!

What a complete bitch.

[Persimmonn]

Omg. So was this her idea of a joke?! Or do you really need the food? I’m confused.

[Persimmonn]

But just to say, she is a complete nasty piece of work. Who would go this far to make a point?!

[MyShinyWhiteTeeth]

Sorry, last message started before and then finished after her text.

She thought it was funny! She has apologised now but her last message seems a bit odd and I'm not sure what to make of it.

She does have a bit of a mean sense of humour. I don't find it funny.

[BlackCatSleeping]

That's such a nasty thing to do.

I'd take some time away from her and reevaluate the friendship.

[ThomasRichard]

That’s awful. What a horrible reply too! Does she really not like you?

I eat things past their BBE date - sometimes years past of it’s dry cupboard things or tins/jars that don’t pop. I still wouldn’t give them to anyone because I wouldn’t want to receive them myself.

[WombatChocolate]

Yes, because we can be certain that she’s a complete bitch from a couple of posts on an Internet forum can’t we!

Why the need for conflict all the time? Why the need to look for malicious intent and to see it everywhere, and to never give the benefit of the doubt, but to fuel conflict with aggressive or passive aggressive texts?

I expect I have misjudged things with friends sometimes and sometimes made outright mistakes. I’d hope they wouldn’t then decide I was a bitch or malicious or needed snarky replies or cutting off. Cutting people some slack really ought to be a first response rather than knee jerk bite back.

Do you think her reaction now has anything to do with the tone of message you sent her. Now there is conflict between the 2 of you......when there didn’t need to be.

[S1naidSucks]

Text her back and ask her when she’s going to pick it up, as the joke has now been played and you’d like her to take ‘her’ stuff back.

I’m not normally one for airing my dirty laundry in public, but I’d be tempted to photo it and stick it on Facebook with the message, ‘does anyone know if I can use any of this rotten food for compost? My fried gave her larder a much needed clean (bless) and I’m trying to help her get rid of this manky food.” 😉

[redcarbluecar]

Are you able to return the stuff? That would be appropriate if (as she seems to have admitted) it wasn’t given as a serious gesture.

[ContessaIsOnADietDammit]

She sounds like she's been itching for a way to put the boot in over you daring to tell her off, OP, however humorously you did it. Does she usually react ok to friends saying things like that?