Friend gave me her rubbish. AIBU to feel so hurt by this?

[MyShinyWhiteTeeth]

I've been struggling more for money the last few months. I am not broke but I have to really watch what I spend and budget.

A friend bought round some unwanted supplies as she knew I am short this month. I was really touched by her kindness at first but was then a bit shocked to find that all the food was out of date, opened or manky. She has very high standards on food so I'm amazed she could have found most of it acceptable.

The bread was mouldy, some of the jars were opened or way past their use by date, the vegetables were way past their best. From the two large bags of supplies she gave me only 2 items were not put straight in the bin after she left.

I feel really upset and let down by her. I can't believe she didn't notice it was all rubbish except for two obscure food items that I'll probably never use.

AIBU to want to end the friendship over this? It feels like I'm overreacting but I just feel so hurt she gave me two bags of rubbish and I thanked her so much.

[IHaveNoIdeaReally]

She sounds awful.

[TanMateix]

Nerve, not nerd.

[Kungfupanda67]

Did you want her to do a proper shop for you, or give you money??
I think it looks like she was trying to help, and see if there was anything there you could make use of.

My partners friend is on the dole, quite often says he doesnt eat. Sometimes i go through my cupboards and give him stuff we are not going to get through. Im not offended if he throws it away, and if hes offended by the thought of it not being good enough, then he shouldnt tell anyone how hungry he is.

I give food away fairly often if it’s something I won’t use, there’s a local Facebook mums group which I usually put stuff on it I don’t want it or won’t end up using. I wouldn’t dream of giving a random stranger something that wasn’t good enough for me, let alone someone who’s meant to be my friend. You only give stuff away if you’re just not going to get round to using it, not if you’ve decided it’s past it’s best but it’ll do for someone skint!

[JanMeyer]

My partners friend is on the dole, quite often says he doesnt eat. Sometimes i go through my cupboards and give him stuff we are not going to get through. Im not offended if he throws it away, and if hes offended by the thought of it not being good enough, then he shouldnt tell anyone how hungry he is.

With an attitude like that I'm surprised you have any friends at all. Seriously, you think not wanting to be given mouldy bread is thinking the food isn't good enough for them?
So hungry people should act grateful to be given food they can't actually use? I'm curious, would you give someone like your partner's friend mouldy bread?

[Hwory]

@Branleuse

You would give your friend mouldy and out of date food?

Don’t know about you scruffs but my cupboards have in date pasta, pasta sauces, soups, beans, bread and lentils that my friends and family are welcome to if they’re in need.

There’s a disgusting put up and shut up attitude going around here of late.

[Branleuse]

I did read it. I dont agree that its insulting or dehumanising. I think thats really dramatic. I would imagine that she didnt realise that some of the stuff was unusable.
I mean unless you think she wanted you to eat mouldy bread on purpose, in which case dump her if shes trying to make you ill, but to go round her cupboards and see if theres anything you might use when youre hungry, id say she just over estimated how in need you are, and didnt check dates properly.
I do get why its embarrassing if someone tries to help and puts their foot in it, but to me it sounds like an ill judged , trying to be nice thing.
I certainly wont help my dps mate anymore though if it is really such an awful thing to do according to most people, but its not intended in a bad way, and id hope that your mate wasnt giving you food because she was laughng at you or thought you deserved mouldy bread either.

[Beautiful3]

Oh no, that's awful. I can just imagine it. Thanking her so much and really appreciating the kind gesture only to open the bag of mouldy food😣 Next time just say, "no thanks as the last bag had to go straight in the bin".

[Sparklesocks]

Branleuse it really doesn’t excuse her friend giving her mouldy and out of date food. Just because you are struggling financially doesn’t mean you should be grateful for half eaten, mouldy food.

[TreadingThePrimrosePath]

Yes, return it and tell her thank you, but you don’t use OOD foodstuffs.
I volunteered at a food bank a while ago and had to check dates, then bin a large amount of foods. We used to get the same thing happening at school harvest festivals.

[RedBerryTea]

I think it looks like she was trying to help, and see if there was anything there you could make use of you obviously missed the bit about the food being out of date and/or mouldy. OP you are not being unreasonable, I think it's really hurtful of your friend to think you should be grateful for her garbage.

[MountPheasant]

‘Hi, I’ve just taken a look at the bits you gave me and I think you’ve given me some stuff meant for the bin by mistake! A lot of mouldy food and opened out of date stuff. Has the bag meant for me already accidentally been binned? If not I can pop over and grab it? No worries if it’s too late!

[Branleuse]

I dont think anyone would give a friend mouldy food on purpose. If you truly think shes done this on purpose because she thinks thats all youre worth, then bin her of course.

[icannotremember]

Yanbu. That's very unpleasant of her. I'd be offended.

[WombatChocolate]

I'm shocked by the reactions on here, not by what happened.

Don't you think this could have just been a bit of an error not a deliberate attack on you? Perhaps she literally rushed out of the door, grabbing stuff as she went and not checking carefully. I spect she'd be mortified to think she's given you stuff which isn't great.

Personally I'd have no problem in someone giving me stuff which was open if it was okay and with lots of things being out of date really doesn't matter at all - yes, with meat,mbut we are constantly being told now that lots of foods don't need best before dates and lots of food waste happens because people don't know when to take notice and when not to. Is there any chance you have been a little precious about some of it? Obviously, mouldy is no good but was the rest really totally unusable?

And what's all this calling the friend a bitch and a cunt and telling Op to dump her, on the basis of this one event? Are people really so fragile and the friendships so fragile that people have to be dumped over one incident without even having a conversation? I suggest Op is feeling rather fragile and over sensitive. This sounds like a kindly intended action which just didn't quite come off as the giver intended. Nusing it possible to see it like that.

Personally I would just bin the mouldy stuff. I seriously wouldn't be bothered about open items or things which are past use by dates if they are clearly still fine. I probably wouldn't even mention the mouldy items to friend, because I wouldn't be offended or that bothered to be honest. I'd just text in a couple of days and say thank you again. No need to gush, but there wasn't any need to gush when the stuff was given first of all either. If she gives stuff again and if there's mouldy stuff again, I still wouldn't take offence, but then when sending a thank you text, might just politely mention that you'd had to throw a couple of bits away and why. But what I don't get is the great offence taken at what happened. Why exactly.

[Takethebuscuitandthesink]

On no op that is awful and rather humiliating. I would not cut her out entirely but definitely put her on the back burner for a while and if she asks why you see her less tell her why.

[Wondermoomin]

HollowTalk's suggested message is good. I'd be hurt too.

[Branleuse]

you dont have to be grateful. You just have to not ascribe malicious intent to everything

[OwlBeThere]

when you say the veg was past its best, do you mean inedible or just not super fresh? the jars you say were opened, what kind of products, like say it was a half a pot of jam or something, that would be fine with me, even a half pot of pasta sauce can go a way to making a meal. perhaps it was the best she could do.
if shes normally a good friend, then talk to her, seems a bit over the top and premature to just end the friendship to me.

[Sparklesocks]

certainly wont help my dps mate anymore though if it is really such an awful thing to do according to most people, but its not intended in a bad way, and id hope that your mate wasnt giving you food because she was laughng at you or thought you deserved mouldy bread either.

Yes that’s exactly what people are saying, nobody should ever give anyone food ever because it’s an awful thing to do.

Or! We are saying if you want to help out and pass on food to those struggling that’s a nice thing to do, IF it’s in date, unopened and not passed it’s best. That doesn’t mean just handing over mouldy/opened/out of date food - as it’s hugely rude and patronising to hand out mouldy food on the assumption that beggars can’t be choosers.

Surely you can see the difference?

[Cosyjimjamsforautumn]

I would find this really insulting too. Have you texted her to let her know "it was mostly inedible/rancid and we had to bin it as we didnt want to risk food poisoning". I have a relative who used to try and give me half eaten boxes of chocolates half drunk bottles of wine or bags of opened salad as a "treat". One memorable occasion she turned up with a half eaten trifle at xmas where she'd taken most of the custard cream off one side! CF.
I asked her why would did she think we'd want it after she'd eaten half of it and she didnt see why i was being so picky!

[RussellSprout]

You need to let your friend know the food was mouldy and see what her response is.

Anything other than a heartfelt apology I'd bin HER along with the food.

[DeaflySilence]

"I think it looks like she was trying to help, and see if there was anything there you could make use of"

I cannot imagine what use the friend, or anyone else, would expect someone to make of mouldy bread! Or am I simply lacking in imagination, @Branleuse.

[Lifeofalchemy]

id say she just over estimated how in need you are, and didnt check dates properly.

Branleuse...so quality of food depends on level of need?

[DeaflySilence]

"Perhaps she literally rushed out of the door, grabbing stuff as she went and not checking carefully."

Perhaps she did, @WombatChocolate, but if that were the case is it not likely that there would be a varied assortment of dates, rather than almost all of the stuff being out-of-date? [Did OP not say only two items were still okay to eat?]

[WombatChocolate]

I find it odd that lots of MNers first reaction to this is that the friend was deliberately trying to be unkind and cruel in giving the food which turned out to be mouldy.....that such a big thing is made about friend wanting thanks and seeming to think Op deserved such food.

I just wonder what kind of communities and relationships do people have to even leap to this conclusion from so little information. Do you all know people who are deliberately out to get you and put you down or who genuinely do behave like bitches and need dumping as friends, that you would imagine this? Or is this really more part of Op and others on here feeling really sensitive because of being in need and finding it hard to accept help or that people might give help generously, or that mistakes can sometimes happen which aren't actually targetted to be unkind....but are just genuine mistakes and friends Do forgive each other for these rather than having knee jerk reactions and ending the friendship instantly.

I just don't understand the immediate reactions that this was an act of cruelty or suggesting Op is only worth mouldy food. It was a friend who gave her the stuff.