Friend gave me her rubbish. AIBU to feel so hurt by this?

[MyShinyWhiteTeeth]

I've been struggling more for money the last few months. I am not broke but I have to really watch what I spend and budget.

A friend bought round some unwanted supplies as she knew I am short this month. I was really touched by her kindness at first but was then a bit shocked to find that all the food was out of date, opened or manky. She has very high standards on food so I'm amazed she could have found most of it acceptable.

The bread was mouldy, some of the jars were opened or way past their use by date, the vegetables were way past their best. From the two large bags of supplies she gave me only 2 items were not put straight in the bin after she left.

I feel really upset and let down by her. I can't believe she didn't notice it was all rubbish except for two obscure food items that I'll probably never use.

AIBU to want to end the friendship over this? It feels like I'm overreacting but I just feel so hurt she gave me two bags of rubbish and I thanked her so much.

[WombatChocolate]

Hmmm, loving this thread now. Just throws into stark relief something which often comes out on MN and in real life; there are 2 types of people in terms of how they react to others in this world - those who are sure people are out to do harm to others and are quick to take offence over really quite minor things, and those who think that most people don't set out to do harm,msot take easy offence and look for plausible, balanced explanations.

Ho hum.

[Takingabreakagain]

@Celebelly
But OP has said she has a full cupboard of food and won't starve. She has a budget which she is managing on just doesn't have spare money (that she may not get back!) to lend someone else. That's all - she doesn't need and didn't ask for the food from the rubbish friend. The 'friend' for some unknown reason took it upon herself to donate food.

[Butchyrestingface]

‘Hi, I’ve just taken a look at the bits you gave me and I think you’ve given me some stuff meant for the bin by mistake! A lot of mouldy food and opened out of date stuff. Has the bag meant for me already accidentally been binned? If not I can pop over and grab it? No worries if it’s too late!

I’d do this. In case she picked up a bag of stuff meant for the bin by mistake.

[cabcab]

@Branleuse I won't c9me to you in a crisis, throw the poor people mouldy bread and expect them to thank you.

OP, YANBU, really poor show.

[redcarbluecar]

Were you wanting to 'bin' her as a mate anyway and this is the last straw, or has it come completely out of the blue as an act of thoughtlessness from a usually good friend?
I think with a valued mate I'd perhaps start by speaking to her about it if that's possible. I think that what she did is weird, but I can't imagine feeling so high and mighty that I'd bother to fill up two bags with crappy food to deliberately humiliate a friend. There may be an explanation which helps you get past this. Worth finding out?

[MillennialFalcon]

The thing is the OP says that her friend normally has high standards about food, which does make it seem worse that she got stuff her friend would not use herself and makes it less likely it was an accident if her friend is normally careful about that sort of thing. It would be a completely different context if her friend was the sort to not really notice or care about sell by dates or something going past it's best. Plus the friend seems to have been patronising her already with the unwanted advice before these unsuitable "donations". I do hope it was a mistake but in context that seems less likely.

[DontDribbleOnTheCarpet]

Unfortunately, the only way to know for sure what is going on is to tell her that the food wasn't useable. Her reaction will tell you everything you need to know.
We don't know her, so we can't tell if she thinks you are a peasant who should be grateful for the scraps of her betters, or if she made a mistake.

Hmmm, loving this thread now. Just throws into stark relief something which often comes out on MN and in real life; there are 2 types of people in terms of how they react to others in this world - those who are sure people are out to do harm to others and are quick to take offence over really quite minor things, and those who think that most people don't set out to do harm,msot take easy offence and look for plausible, balanced explanations.
Or perhaps it's easy to see the people who have been in need and experienced poor treatment because of it? It isn't possible to say either way, is it?

[itbemay1]

If she was a true friend she would have come round with a couple of bags of staples, pasta, sauces, potato's etc fresh from the shop.

[cabcab]

@Branleuse you're not going to help someone out any more because you read this post............. you're batshit crazy!

[AllFourOfThem]

The bread was mouldy
I can’t believe that any friend would intentionally do this. Maybe she didn’t notice or perhaps she put it in the bag and then didn’t give it to you for a few days.

some of the jars were opened or way past their use by date
This comes down to context. Jars that have been opened and then left untouched for ages wouldn’t be nice but if she opened something that day or so before, disliked it or knew she wouldn’t use it anymore and passed it on then that is fine. Again, how way past the use by date? Maybe she didn’t notice or maybe it isn’t something that bothers her (we waste a huge amount of food because of best before and use by dates) so perhaps she thought it still edible and you might want it.

the vegetables were way past their best.
Surely if they were fresh then it would have been weird that she had bought them and immediately passed them on to you, as that would imply she had been shopping for you. Even past their best, vegetables can be cooked and eaten.

[FlippFlop]

I'd have taken it all back to her.

[eddielizzard]

The difficulty is if you say anything then you look really ungrateful. You could say thank you very much for the kind thought, but most of the food was off.

I was given a bottle of olive oil that was 2 years out of date for a significant birthday present once. I did say something, but I felt shit about it.

[PrincessTiggerlily]

Some people do give gifts which are actually just stuff they don't want or don't have room for. Or in DH's case he is buying the much better model - the gifts are unasked for and not really wanted but he still acts as if he is the most generous person around.
I would say or txt 'Thanks for delivery X. ' 'I'm v fussy about food quality and would prefer to buy my own in future'

[Nanny0gg]

I don't think the intent matters. Who gives half/opened/used food to anyone? I don't know how you've used or stored it. Your hygiene standards might be considerably lower than mine.

Sorry, that sort of Lady Bountiful attitude (especially towards a friend) has no place in this day and age.

It's the same as people donating tatty, dirty old crap to charity shops as it's only for poor people/the third world. They'll be grateful...

[IamWaggingBrenda]

Branleuse and if hes offended by the thought of it not being good enough, then he shouldnt tell anyone how hungry he is.. Wow, your compassion is underwhelming. So you’d give your ‘friend’ food that is mouldy or gone bad? I’m guessing you’ve never been hungry. Your reply seems mean and disrespectful, to say the least.

[SadOtter]

Was she possibly having a cupboard clear out and had sorted some bags for you and some for the bin then picked the wrong ones up? It's the kind of stupid mistake I would make.

[TanMateix]

I would think it would be a honest mistake but if the bread is mouldy, the jar opened and everything is out of date... it is a bit naive she didn’t hand out her leftovers or even worse, the leftovers that she herself won’t eat..

[MyShinyWhiteTeeth]

I don't like to throw food away and will use it if I can. I buy food at it's sell by date so I don't think I'm being overly picky at all.

The veg were shrivelled up, the potatoes were green and the salad bag was open - out of date and browned edged and turning to slime, the tomatoes were very overripe and two were split and mouldy.

The opened jars had to be used with 2-3 days of being opened but I had no idea how long they had been open. There were several jars like this and I didn't want to test them. Some of the jars had lids that popped so had been opened even though they weren't visibly used.

The tins were dented, rusty and out of date. I've kept those but they are not things I'd use everyday - mock duck and stem ginger in syrup? I chucked out the tin of squid in blank ink.

Any recipe ideas?

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

For those that can't believe it - it's not uncommon.
We do a food drive for Christmas hampers at our school every year, the local food bank makes the hampers.
Every year we have to specify "Unopened, with Use by dates the following year" foodstuffs, because we've had half-used stuff and stuff that's out of date donated. These are for people's Christmas hamper, ffs - and still people think it's ok. "Oh this jar of Nutella's only got a couple of spoonfuls out of it, I'm sure it'll be fine" sort of attitude.

It's just rude.

Maybe the friend didn't realise, but if she didn't, then I'd expect there to have been more usable stuff in the bag. The bread is probably accidental - as has been said, if the bag was sitting around for a day or 2, then the bread could have gone mouldy in that time - but the old foods and opened foods, no.

[redcarbluecar]

Jeez, this does sound like a harvest festival dystopia.

[PegLegAntoine]

A couple of accidentally manky bits I could understand but this many... seems a bit inconsiderate really :(

I’ve definitely been subjected to the “having a clearout so take all my crap” (obviously broken toys, single shoes etc) thing - in my case it was a right bugger to even get it home as she brought it to work

[youarenotkiddingme]

Yanbu.

You didn't ask for help or indicate you needed food stuffs.

Therefore she was doing this out of kindness as a friend.

What friend thinks it kind to give a bag full of rubbish?

Either help out because you want and can afford to - or do nothing.

[wildcherries]

The veg were shrivelled up, the potatoes were green and the salad bag was open - out of date and browned edged and turning to slime, the tomatoes were very overripe and two were split and mouldy.

I'd have to say something. And then I'd probably keep my distance. Unless she convincingly says she picked up the wrong bag, this is beyond rude. I can't actually believe someone would think this is acceptable.

[FireflyEden]

Oh grow up OP, either use the stuff or bin it. Either way to come on here complaining ???

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Another one with an empathy bypass...