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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend gave me her rubbish. AIBU to feel so hurt by this?

333 replies

MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 12/05/2019 15:15

I've been struggling more for money the last few months. I am not broke but I have to really watch what I spend and budget.

A friend bought round some unwanted supplies as she knew I am short this month. I was really touched by her kindness at first but was then a bit shocked to find that all the food was out of date, opened or manky. She has very high standards on food so I'm amazed she could have found most of it acceptable.

The bread was mouldy, some of the jars were opened or way past their use by date, the vegetables were way past their best. From the two large bags of supplies she gave me only 2 items were not put straight in the bin after she left.

I feel really upset and let down by her. I can't believe she didn't notice it was all rubbish except for two obscure food items that I'll probably never use.

AIBU to want to end the friendship over this? It feels like I'm overreacting but I just feel so hurt she gave me two bags of rubbish and I thanked her so much.

OP posts:
Funnyface1 · 13/05/2019 17:53

Well jokes are supposed to be funny and this was just nasty. You must have really pissed her off about the jam and she's having a dig back at you.

wildchild554 · 13/05/2019 18:01

yanbu, but just to let you know the tinned stuff and jarred stuff should be fine, I've used things like this several years out of date even as much as 10 years out of date and it was still fine just nutritional value go down. Just make sure tin isn't comprimised or bulging ;)

QuizzlyBear · 13/05/2019 18:02

I’m with @wombatchocolate - if your friend hasn’t shown signs of trying to lord it over you or poison you in the past, why would you assume that this was anything other than a careless mistake?

I personally wouldn’t bin a friendship over a single incident, unless there was other mitigating factors - chances are good that somebody who went to the effort of trying to help you (failing, admittedly) probably wasn’t trying to put you ‘in your place’.

Tistheseason17 · 13/05/2019 18:08

Having RTFT it is obvious she was miffed about the jam comment and then when OTT in her revenge having been passive aggressive for the last 3 months. What a cow.

I'd leaver her to her nastiness with someone else.

Ignore and move on :)

sunshinemode · 13/05/2019 18:26

I wonder if she had two different lots .. one to give to OP and one to throw out and somehow mixed them up.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 13/05/2019 18:27

It doesn’t matter what hobby you spend your money on, it’s your money - you shouldn’t be made to feel you need to justify it... you might spend it on unicorn costumes for adult parties, it’s YOURS!

pinkpantherpink · 13/05/2019 18:38

Sounds like she's a spiteful cow and not worthy of your time. You're better off out of there. No-one treats friends like that.

BrynCethynBach · 13/05/2019 18:41

I’m sure as a friend it was meant with the best of intentions (at least you’d like to think so!) Although it’s very insensitive and patronising to assume that you would want stuff that she probably would have thrown out. I’d be insulted by that too. I think you need to just gently say something about it all being out of date/opened etc. If she falls out with you over that then is she really the kind of friend you need. I hope things work out for you. 😘 xx

wildcherries · 13/05/2019 18:46

Possibly read the thread...

exaltedwombat · 13/05/2019 18:56

She has no possible motive to insult you, does she? Sounds more like a hasty 'haven't
got time to sort it our - maybe she can make use of some of it'. Don't we all cut the mouldy bit off the bread and use the rest for toast? And we're not slaves to best by dates surely?

OrangeSunsets · 13/05/2019 18:57

So she basically brought you a bag of shitty food, you thanked her, she went away laughing all over a comment about throwing away a jar of jam? Whaaaat?!?!?!

Loreleigh · 13/05/2019 19:13

I'd be hurt and angry if a so-called friend palmed their crap off on me like this too. A real friend would only have given items that they would also have found acceptable, that were in date, that they knew you liked etc. If the friend lived nearby I'd be tempted to post the lot through their letterbox with a note saying something along the lines of 'keep your crap - only a rubbish friend would give rubbish and pretend to be helping ....blah blah blah' - I'd give them a blast! If this friend is particularly fussy with high standards on food there is no way she didn't know the items were out of date etc - just being a cow and probably boasting to others what a damn martyr/good samaritan she is. If the friend is well off they would've gone beyond giving their unwanted stuff and gone shopping for/with you or given a supermarket voucher as a gift. Not a good friend as far as I'm concerned and you are not overreacting or anything as this was a nasty thing to do. Maybe if you spell it right out for her she may realise how horrible she's been and at last apologise; otherwise you are better off without friends like her and just budgeting as best you can.

Rainandwine · 13/05/2019 19:25

You told her off for throwing away an out of date jar & you’re on hard times so instead of throwing it away she’s given it to you? I can’t see malice here just a lack of communication

GabsAlot · 13/05/2019 19:36

she sounds like a right bitch-mouldy food as a joke?

no i woudlnt find it funny either and ive got a good sense of humour

moon2 · 13/05/2019 19:37

Did she get the bags confused or something? Seems like a really strange thing to do...

moon2 · 13/05/2019 19:45

Just say you draw the line at mouldy and withering, thanks for taking the mickey, very funny haha etc.

Wasafatmum42 · 13/05/2019 19:47

blimey not a good friend just because you are watching the pennies doesn't mean you are desperate for her expired food it would have been kinder to not have given the food to you. I would have taken the stuff right back to her :(

katers85 · 13/05/2019 19:52

It does seem like a weird thing to do, do you think it was malicious or an oversight ? My in-laws always give us gone bad things from their fridge two weeks after my SIL has been over to theirs and stayed, as they randomly think we will use mouldy courgettes etc ? It all has to go straight in the bin. I don’t know what they’re thinking but I don’t think they’re very bright. I would send her a message to clear the air but not worth ending the friendship over.

Original poster
MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 13/05/2019 20:14

Hi. I'm considering getting this thread deleted as it's really identifying and whilst I'm standing by all my posts - I'm not sure how being exposed would affect day to day life.

Work was fine today because it was only a few hours. Our mutual friend was lovely to me. She had heard what happened and thought it was disgusting. Our other friend has been very defensive but she agreed it was in poor taste whilst going on about my reaction and how long it took me to realise. I've swapped desks so am working with a partition in front of me and more distance. I'm being moved in a slight change of job role so hopefully that will happen soon.

OP posts:
sallyfox · 13/05/2019 20:20

either she's not a real friend and/or she has mental health issues

GabsAlot · 13/05/2019 20:24

oh god u work with her aswell

elmos31983 · 13/05/2019 20:28

I'd be annoyed and I'm really close to my friends so I'd make a point of saying thanks for the bags of food but I had to bin most of it as out of date. But wouldn't end a friendship over it unless shes done other things aswell to lead up to this

Purplegecko · 13/05/2019 20:45

@BiBiBirdie
I cut ties with a school mum who I previously had gotten on well with as she said during harvest festival she had donated "the out of date shit" from her cupboard, because in her view, food bank users "will eat what they get given and like it if they can't buy their own food". I was speechless at the sheer scumminess of her saying that out loud, and told her so. She defended herself by saying if they wanted in date food they could stop being slobs and buy their own produce.
Awful thing to do, OP don't give her thinking space, just hope she doesn't end up struggling herself

That made me tear up. I was 17 when something awful happened and I was forced into homelessness. I was placed in a refuge because I was almost 18 and they couldn't place me in care. All my money went on rent for the refuge and I was a college student, I had no money for food so used a food bank. I cried with relief opening the box and finding cereal, UHT milk and pasta, and I sad given a pack of San Pro which was invaluable to me. I was so so hungry and alone. I'm glad you cut ties with her. Have since volunteered at a food bank now I'm back on my feet and most of the people we had in were hard working families desperately struggling to make ends meet, often whilst supporting elderly relatives too. Shame on your ex-friend.

Vivianebrezilletbrooks · 13/05/2019 21:05

Insulting and horrible. Ditch her. That's the ultimate in condescending.

I had a work colleague who was somewhat hard up at the time and another colleague came in with a bag of her daughters clean but used underwear for her including knickers then she tried to pass them off as new when you could see the labels print had been worn off on some! The daughter was a size 16 and the colleague a size 8!
She threw the whole lot in the bin if I remember correctly.

WillLokireturn · 13/05/2019 21:17

I've read a few of posts within the last day and it's very irritating as PPs are going on without having RTFT and just circling, when thread had clearly moved on . For anyone else reading that can't be arsed to RTFT or even read OPs updates. Yes it was meant, no it wasn't a mistake or error. Friend deliberately have OP mouldy food as a joke and laughed that OP thought it was a kindness.

Really, nobody needs to know anymore than that. However you know this "friend" OP, you need to avoid her. She's an ars*#ole.