Friend gave me her rubbish. AIBU to feel so hurt by this?

[MyShinyWhiteTeeth]

I've been struggling more for money the last few months. I am not broke but I have to really watch what I spend and budget.

A friend bought round some unwanted supplies as she knew I am short this month. I was really touched by her kindness at first but was then a bit shocked to find that all the food was out of date, opened or manky. She has very high standards on food so I'm amazed she could have found most of it acceptable.

The bread was mouldy, some of the jars were opened or way past their use by date, the vegetables were way past their best. From the two large bags of supplies she gave me only 2 items were not put straight in the bin after she left.

I feel really upset and let down by her. I can't believe she didn't notice it was all rubbish except for two obscure food items that I'll probably never use.

AIBU to want to end the friendship over this? It feels like I'm overreacting but I just feel so hurt she gave me two bags of rubbish and I thanked her so much.

George Burns (nobody will know who he is) had a massage every day of his life and lived to be 101.

I have no sense of humour and can't take a joke.

She's still insulting you if she's saying this.

People were just pointing out how quick posters are to assume negative motivations based on so little information.

If you want to help someone out who is struggling with food you buy them some staples, you don't give them the half-eaten dregs from your fridge. It's pretty obvious. If you give them the half-eaten dregs it's either because you don't care, or much worse as it turns out, you're actively being spiteful.

Don’t end the friendship but somehow tell her you put the food in the bin. You could be passive aggressive about it and just say ‘I’m really fussy with food so please don’t give me your leftovers because I wouldn’t use them’. Something like that.
An acquaintance of mine kept telling me she had a huge sack of things she wanted to give me. She’s very wealthy and she’s on the TV. Hope she’s not also on here. You should have seen the shite she dropped off with me. Honestly not worth driving over to me. Took me a couple of trips to the bin because I don’t drive. A huge pan with the non stick all scraped off was the thing that stood out. (I’ve got lovely pans of my own thanks). And some odd plates. I could go on but I’m worried in case she saw this and recognised her shite.
Anyway in your case I think you need to say something. Don’t know how you’ll do it though. Really hard. And I know exactly how you feel when you know it’s someone who has high standards for themselves. That’s what makes it so insulting.

I was so sure this would turn out to be a mistake. I'm that anyone would be so petty and mean as to do it for a 'joke'.

You sound excellently thrifty OP! I think we could all learn a thing or two from your attitude to spending. Well, me anyway.

It seems just such a nasty joke to me.

If you were genuinely broke, then it would be. But you’re not. I can kind of see why she thought this funny. You were telling her friend you couldn’t afford to lend her money, when your friend perceives you as being well-off and from a well-off family.

It sounds like your friend is a bit envious of you because you have your shit together financially and she clearly doesn’t.

OP, you’ve done nothing wrong. You sound a bit vulnerable, though. Maybe time to find some new friends?

Bloody hell OP that's a 'rotten' (sorry!) way to behave! YANBU.
Suggested response:

"Dear [ex-friend]
I was going to text a surprised thank you for the unexpected bags of food. But on opening them, found them full of inedible mouldy items & expired use-by dates. Knowing your high standards, you can't have failed to notice that, so now I can't help but wonder why you thought stuff that clearly wasn't good enough for your kitchen was good enough for mine.
I didn't ask you for any charity, & I certainly didn't need this hurtful gesture. Please don't insult me again with your high-handed lady of the manor act. I can afford to feed myself & would rather eat cheaply under my own steam than suffer food poisoning because someone thinks I must deserve to eat their rotten cast-offs.
You're clearly not the friend I thought you were, & I'm shocked you would stoop to pull this stunt."

And ... BLOCK.

... if hes offended by the thought of it not being good enough, then he shouldnt tell anyone how hungry he is.

@Branleuse the difference being the OP hadn't told her friend she was hungry or hinted that she wanted any charity. She was surprised by a supposedly kind gesture that was actually closer to being given a can of worms.

Thanks. I'm just about the only one with the drinks flask and lunch box at work now!

I've been batch cooking recently but I think it's the planning and organisation that is helping me cut costs more than anything. I am proud of how efficient I'm being. I don't mean to lecture everyone but it is hard to keep my gob shut when people moan to me about money yet won't change anything they are doing.

I keep a close eye on what I spend and adjust other variables if I overspend. I tend to forget planning for birthdays, other celebrations and travel though. I feel so much better about being in control of my money.

I was surprised when she came around with the food. It was unexpected and not the sort of thing I'd expect her to do. There was probably a snide remark when she handed it over which I didn't pick up on at the time but now think was a dig at me.

I feel a right idiot for not realising straight away that it was a joke. I thought possible mix up but it seemed so unlikely. It's just not funny to me at all.

I just wonder what kind of communities and relationships do people have to even leap to this conclusion from so little information

Good ones, @WombatChocolate, & enough logic to work out that if all but 2 of the items were expired/inedible, that the "friend" was having a clear out of stuff she would not eat herself.

If I were giving food to a chum - rich or poor - I'd be checking each item carefully. Just the same as if I were cooking it for them as a guest in my home. The fact that the "friend" didn't bother (or knew precisely but felt they were not good enough to keep, but good enough to foist on someone else) shows the contempt behind the gesture.

Caught up with your updates now Shiny, apologies made the 'text suggesion' prior to RTFT ...

How you spend your money is your business, not hers.
The fact that you have worked & budgeted to clear debt & your friend resent that is her problem, not yours.
You don't need to beat yourself up about Jamgate - true friends allow each other to be imperfect, & talk through misunderstandings until they reach accord.
Your "friend" isn't doing that. She's playing toxic games instead. Toxic gameplayers are not looking to reach understanding & accord, they are looking to gain the upper hand.

You're right - her 'joke' isn't funny. If she thinks it is, she's not someone you need in your life. If she is only pretending it's a joke when actually it was a dig, then ... she's still not someone you need in your life!

Why waste any more energy on someone who would do this? Suggest to arrange a nice massage to de-stress, & avoid this controlling & critical person in future.

[To the tune if of your happy and you know it]

If you haven't read the thread, read the thread (read the thread)
You'll see it's more than just mouldy bread (mouldy bread)
OP likes a massage and the friends like a debt
And they treat her like a bank, god they're rank (god they're rank)

**Hmmm, loving this thread now. Just throws into stark relief something which often comes out on MN and in real life; there are 2 types of people in terms of how they react to others in this world - those who are sure people are out to do harm to others and are quick to take offence over really quite minor things, and those who think that most people don't set out to do harm,msot take easy offence and look for plausible, balanced explanations.

Ho hum.

Was a good point until the patronising 'ho hum'.

Op get some genuine friends and stop oversharing.

That was an unkind thing for her to do so I would distance yourself from her.

But put some boundaries in place with regards to oversharing personal information about your finances.

You complain about being short on money whilst at the same time indulging in massages. I understand you prioritise massages but most people would see this very odd So don't share this information around.

Wow - that's a horrible thing for her to have done! She's probably deliberately saved her veg until they've gone like that, and the bread went mouldy, JUST to make a fucking point about out-of-date food after you said she could have kept the jam.

That's some next level nastiness on the "joke" front (you're entirely right, it's not remotely funny, just fucking mean and horrible) - she's planned this for some time.

I think, given her and the other friend clearly have resentment issues over your financial position (while having next to no understanding of how you've got there), that you should bin her and the other one off entirely. I don't see that there's anything good to be had from this "friendship" any more, plus you'll always be wondering what the next appalling thing is that they might do.

Please dump them both forthwith - in all honesty, "no friends" is a better place to be than with these "friends".

@cabcab - branleuse wasn't suggesting anyone had PMd her - she said her inbox was full of notifications of people tagging her using the @ in front of her name. You'll have similar in your inbox now I've @ tagged you.

MyCatHogsTheBed

That is so nasty! I did knowingly give a good friend some expired dry goods and a can or two of food I obviously hadn’t and wasn’t going to eat. The difference is, I asked her first! She wanted it and would eat it. It wasn’t a mean nasty joke. I believe I also gave her some opened but not expired items that she would use.

Your friend is mean! Your finances are none of her business. My friend could easily be the same to me. I make more than here, she is very very skinny due to circumstances. Neither of us judge each other on what we use our money. Or if we do, not to each other🤣

I can see why you mentioned the jam if they were constantly asking for money due to debt, asking for food etc. If the £8 jam was still good, why waste it while complaining.

Your 'friend' sounds really vicious

If she’s saved her bread and veg until it’s gone mouldy and collected Tins that have gone out of date, then that’s not joking, that’s deliberately nasty.
I wouldn’t engage with her any longer and would make it clear the friendship was over as far as I was concerned.
Also, why are you financial details being shared with everyone? None of my friends know my financial status.
They seem to know too much about you!

Op making a comment at the time about jam being thrown away is very different to thinking and planning ahead to give someone mouldy food. Hers was calculated and nasty, yours was clumsy.

I'd be stepping right away from her. She's not your friend.

Op, when you see her next time (and I hope very much you don’t see her again) just remember one thing:

When she says is hilarious and yo shouldn’t feel like that, what she is actually saying is “I don’t care about your feelings, I’m actually quite enjoying hurting you this much”

Please stay away from them, if you didn’t know how they were, now you do.

I don't mean to lecture everyone but it is hard to keep my gob shut when people moan to me about money yet won't change anything they are doing.

^^ this and the jam - you've evangelising at people.

She's obviously been bloody furious about the jam.

Nonetheless she's still a cow, but you're whole relationship is unhealthy at present. And you said that yourself.

I would say to her that I was really hurt by this behaviour from a friend and leave it at that. She seems a bit strange to me to be doing this; so just avoid if you can. Life is hard enough without our friends paying us back for things they perceive we’ve done wrong.

She's obviously been bloody furious about the jam.

She can evangelise as much as she wants about the jam but still getting someone’s shit dumped on your kitchen table is not on the same scale.

None of you sound like you have good friendships with each other. Judging how each other spends/wastes money and food, etc. I wouldn't dream of telling my friends off for throwing away jam. Equally I couldn't call someone a friend who has played this 'joke' on you and been equally judgemental. It all sounds like too much hard work.

Some people are cunts

So , you've had 'a discussion' over text. She fully intended to give you mouldy stuff no one could use. She and her friend are cross that you won't lend them money, they ask you every few weeks (CFs) because you save better and this was all pay back? Jam jar, schmam jar, pretty irrelevant.

In what context do you see her every 2-3 days, work? If work, sidestep her politely as if she is that creepy coworker no one likes but has to work with. If not a work setting, why on earth would you engage with such a couple of ars*#oles? They are not friends. Don't give them the time of day. Tbh, I'd block her on SM and her number
Really - your life would be better without this level of nastiness in it.