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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend gave me her rubbish. AIBU to feel so hurt by this?

333 replies

MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 12/05/2019 15:15

I've been struggling more for money the last few months. I am not broke but I have to really watch what I spend and budget.

A friend bought round some unwanted supplies as she knew I am short this month. I was really touched by her kindness at first but was then a bit shocked to find that all the food was out of date, opened or manky. She has very high standards on food so I'm amazed she could have found most of it acceptable.

The bread was mouldy, some of the jars were opened or way past their use by date, the vegetables were way past their best. From the two large bags of supplies she gave me only 2 items were not put straight in the bin after she left.

I feel really upset and let down by her. I can't believe she didn't notice it was all rubbish except for two obscure food items that I'll probably never use.

AIBU to want to end the friendship over this? It feels like I'm overreacting but I just feel so hurt she gave me two bags of rubbish and I thanked her so much.

OP posts:
ichifanny · 13/05/2019 07:47

I wouldn’t see bad intent in it as such , quite insulting but I think I’d need to make a passive aggressive ‘ what on earth are you giving me mouldy food for’ comment and ask her if it’s a joke .

ichifanny · 13/05/2019 07:49

Just saw ship has sailed on that , what a twat

BuildBuildings · 13/05/2019 07:51

She sounds like an awful friend. Why do you have to see her 2-3 times a week? It also sounds like you haven't behaved in the best way in the past. Do you really need a friend who brings out the worst in you?

RhiWrites · 13/05/2019 07:53

I feel a right idiot for not realising straight away that it was a joke. I thought possible mix up but it seemed so unlikely. It's just not funny to me at all

I don’t think many people would conclude that a gift of food was actually a passive aggressive dig. Don’t blame yourself for thinking your friend was nicer than she turned out to be.

BigChocFrenzy · 13/05/2019 08:13

She's jealous you've got your finances under control when she hasn't
She keeps pestering you to lend money
She's angry that you won't

Now she's invested time & effort to deliberately humiliate you

She is an enemy, not a friend

Go NC

  • and stop sharing details of your finances with your remaining friends, because you sound too trusting
applesarerroundandshiny · 13/05/2019 08:17

I would advise seeing as little as possible of both friends. They both sound CF's and not particularly nice people. Also sound quite controlling. What you spend your money in is none of their business. Everyone has different priorities in life.

I can't believe that because your retired parents have money that your friend believes this means you are rich and therefore she is entitled to it. I think they are both cheeky cows (apologies to cows there), def only see as you need to i.e. If it's around your DC.

Clutterbugsmum · 13/05/2019 08:34

I feel a right idiot for not realising straight away that it was a joke. I thought possible mix up but it seemed so unlikely. It's just not funny to me at all. This was not a joke. This was her being a bitch because you did not do what she wanting in loaning giving your money away.

I think you need to be less available for these 'friends'.

outvoid · 13/05/2019 08:43

Have skimmed the full thread. Have you mentioned why you need to see her so often, do you work together or something? I would seriously be considering ditching this ‘friendship’.

Nothing about that was funny, even if you weren’t struggling financially and someone did that. It’s quite a baffling and cruel thing to do. If she has purposely saved the mouldy bread and vegetables just to pull this ‘joke’ off then it’s even worse.

justarandomtricycle · 13/05/2019 08:53

I think "my food cupboards are well stocked" and that you just said you couldn't eat to avoid lending someone money after the OP is quite the drip feed.

This makes me wonder what you were doing accepting the food on the first place.

I would bin it and forget it, friend might have or know people with different standards to you, and have misjudged things. If they were trying to make a point don't give them the satisfaction of acknowledging it.

scratchyfluffface · 13/05/2019 08:54

It was a horrible thing for her to do, and extremely childish of her. She could have just said you'd pissed her off by banging on about the jam (which you have admitted yourself was a bit OTT/patronising)

I can however see why she is pissed off about that, you had a go at her for wasting money by throwing the jam away, yet you regularly spend your money on something the majority of people would consider a luxury. I imagine she perceives as you wasting your money regularly and therefore it being a 'pot calling the kettle black' situation

It sounds like you have different ways of dealing with your finances and are just as judgemental as each other, and you don't need to know so much about each other's finances/spending habits.

justarandomtricycle · 13/05/2019 08:54

Ah, that'll teach me to comment after only R half TFT. Never mind Blush

StoppinBy · 13/05/2019 09:44

I wonder if she had a big clean out and had some bags of rubbish and some for you and she accidently gave you the rubbish bags?

I would like to think that's what happened and would ask in order to give her the benefit of the doubt for now.

StoppinBy · 13/05/2019 09:55

Just read your update and see it was a 'joke'. I may have a mean sense of humour perhaps but I can kind of see how she thought she was being funny but I can also see why you would be so upset.

Being broke is not fun and I am guessing you were pretty happy that she was being 'so kind' and then it turned out she was actually being mean which must have sucked.

Revenge is a dish best served cold so I guess you still owe her one Wink

DiseasesOfTheSheep · 13/05/2019 11:07

I have an evil sense of humour, but I think her actions are daft and fairly unkind.

I also think massages are no more ridiculous than horses (which are a terrible money pit), and I have loads of horse owning friends who complain about being (and, indeed, often are) broke. Sometimes I'm one of them... No, it's not remotely the same as being on the breadline, but you can have a large expenditure which makes it hard to balance the books, or limits your other outgoings, from time to time!

GreatestShowUnicorn · 13/05/2019 11:16

Could it have been sitting in the car for the day before she gave you it?

Sagradafamiliar · 13/05/2019 11:37

No, greatest. It was a cruel 'joke'.

NewSchoolNewName · 13/05/2019 13:06

Crikey.

I started reading this thinking that surely there’d been some sort of mix up between bags for the bin and bags for OP, but OP’s updates are staggering. This was a really nasty trick to play on OP.

It all sounds like a very unhealthy friendship - if you can call it that, the updates make me wonder if you like each other at all. I’d be taking a step back from this “friendship” for the time being.

Erythronium · 13/05/2019 13:28

I feel a right idiot for not realising straight away that it was a joke.

Because it wasn't a joke, jokes are funny and make the recipients laugh, it was a trick. Tricks are unpleasant, underhand and designed to make the recipients feel bad, and the person to do the tricking to feel good about themselves. Please don't call yourself an idiot, you should be angry about this.

This woman is not your friend, she's your enemy, she wanted to hurt you and put you down. Are you going to stay friends with her?

FrenchJunebug · 13/05/2019 13:46

I wouldn't find it funny at all. What a nasty thing to do!

mouldyhousemouldylife · 13/05/2019 13:56

Wow, what a shit 'joke'. I'd bin the friendship quicker than I binned the unusable food. Nasty witch.

Kaddm · 13/05/2019 13:58

She has been a total weirdo handing you 2 bags of food, all off. And it is not a funny joke, it’s just really strange.

However it sounds like you might have been holier than thou about chucking out some jam and she has been trying to teach you a lesson ever since. And perhaps your money saving ideas have come across as boasting about how great you are at saving money (food ideas particularly). It is really odd to expect you to lend money to a friend though.

You sound like you really have a personality clash. So I’d leave the friendship.

Finn26 · 13/05/2019 17:32

I had a friend like this - passive aggressive.
She would offer me all sorts (I'm a single mum on a budget) she gave me her old cast offs, microwave etc lifts and help here and there and I was so so grateful but I would have to be on the recieving end of how she thought I should be living my life and raising my child etc which I over looked as she was generous and seemed a great friend.
Until I got on my feet a little and wanted to help her out as the tables had turned a little and after a heart to heart one night I thanked her for her generosity when I was down.
Her reply was that what I did /do was invite people to feel sorry for me.

I was so hurt I got rid of her ASAP.

Never looked back and never put up with a sub standard friend.

Fz

MummyCool19 · 13/05/2019 17:33

My mother in law does this!!! She has bipolar and bull buys shit like cauliflower cheese sauce like 30 packets. Then brings them round when she’s off that faze and they are all out of date and gross!!

MummyCool19 · 13/05/2019 17:34

The other week she bought found half eaten cold bbq food.

coffeewithcream · 13/05/2019 17:39

I would feel the same. It is pretty insulting
& she must be aware of the fact that things are out of date etc.