To feel responsible for DM falling out with DB?

[Howridiculous1]

Long story short, after a drunken night out my brother came out to me. Told me he hopes I don't think less of him etc etc and he's gay. His mates at uni know. No family or friends at home do.

I told him he shouldn't even have needed to tell me and could simply have brought his boy friend to meet me. I am glad he confided in me but it really is a non issue and as long as he's happy im happy.

This was a couple of months ago, then around 3 weeks ago (fuelled I think by the courage my nonchalance gave him) he brought a guy he'd been seeing to a family bbq and introduced him as his partner. Well my mum just walked out. Literally just went home (it was at my aunt's house). I called her that evening and she said she will still speak to my brother but not when he's with a man friend and won't speak about this particular lifestyle choice.

Understandably my brother has chosen to not talk to her at all. It's been a horrible atmosphere in the family for the past 3 weeks, neither my brother or myself had any idea my mum thought this way.
I can't help but think if he or I had gently told her he was gay before springing a boyfriend on her in the middle of a family get together things might have been better.

My brother is my favourite person in the world (besides Dh and children) and it kills me to see him being shunned for something that doesn't even matter and is beyond his control.

Your Mum is a horrible homophobe and I hope you called her out on her behaviour.

You did not cause this, your Mum and she alone did this.

You need to call your mum out. Tell her she doesn't get to choose his partner and will lose him completely if she carries on. At the minute, she can save it with an apology and it was a shock type comment.

You're not responsible. You did what any family member should do.

Even if I could find a way to defend your mother walking out (I'm struggling tbh, and my DSD is gay) I can't find any way to defend her actions afterwards.

I'm sorry things are rough OP, I'm glad your brother has your support.

The only person responsible is your homophobic mum! I’d tell her she needs to accept it and understand it’s not something he’s chosen. Give your brother lots of love and support.

Of course I did. I haven't spoken to her since beside telling her she had some serious grovelling to do. Other family members don't seem to too have the same thoughts though. They keep telling me she will come round to the idea

It might have helped if your DB had told your DM before springing this on her publicly. It was rather confrontational. But that doesn't in any way excuse your DM's reaction. Hopefully she will come round when she's had chance to process it.

(I feel a bit sorry for the poor boyfriend, must have been horrible for him too)

One thing's for sure, it isn't anything you did or didn't do.

You aren’t responsible OP - you were supportive and kind, and your mother is a horrible homophobe. You aren’t responsible for her bigotry. I hope you and your brother are ok

This is only your mum's fault. Just offer as much support to your brother as you can. I would also be making it clear to your mum that if she doesn't have a relationship with your brother she also doesn't get to have one with you.

Your mum has behaved in an absolutely appalling way. Why on earth do you think that this is in any way your responsibility? Are you normally held responsible for other people's behaviour? I would have nothing more to do with her until she apologises.

I disagree that it was confrontational, it sounds like he just brought his boyfriend to a family do. If he didn't know his mum was homophobic, then I can't see how he'd planned it to be confrontational.

I know, I think it was a bit much bringing his bf to the bbq. But I think he felt the confidence to do it because I'd told him he shouldn't even have to come out, and that or should be as simple a case of this is my boyfriend. So that's why I feel responsible

I think it was a bit much bringing his bf to the bbq

Would you honestly think that if it was a new girlfriend?

It wasn’t your fault OP. Do you think she would have reacted differently had she been forewarned?
Your poor brother. That must have been really upsetting for him.

This isn’t your fault, it’s all on your Mum.

I wouldn’t have anything to do with her until she apologised to your dB tbh. And she would have to fucking grovel

@Myimaginarycathasfleas He brought a guy to a BBQ - he didn’t turn up naked or do anything shocking. She would have had the same reaction if he’d told her beforehand.

Did you have to come out as straight?

Alright, not confrontational, but as a parent I would want that first conversation privately. It's a lot to take in.

No you're right I wouldn't think that if it was a girl. I think im thinking in hindsight knowing now what my mum's feelings are.

I've told her she won't be seeing me as long as she's like this with him. But tbh she will know that anyway, we are twins and very close and have always had each other's back so she obviously feels strongly to potentially lose 2 children over it

You can’t be held accountable for your Mums behaviour. Your Mum was unreasonable and I hope she comes round.

Myimaginarycathasfleas I guess we all go on what we'd want as parents.

We found out via Facebook. It's never really been discussed, beyond arranging to meet her gf and spending time with them both. I genuinely can't imagine reacting the way OPs Mum did.

'Man friend' , 'lifestyle choice'

Your DM is a nasty, bigoted cow. And I'd be telling her that if it were my Mum.

As the mother of a gay son I cannot understand how it came as a shock to her , I knew my son was gay years before he actually told me and that seems to be the norm with others I’ve spoken to . Anyhow her behaviour is despicable and if she’s prepared to lose two children over her homophobia then she really is no great loss to you or your brother .

This so completely not your fault OP, your mum is being vile. Pleased you and your DB have each other.

I agree that the OP's DM's reaction was awful. I think her continued attitude is also reprehensible.

I don't think people should have to come out as gay, or straight. It's no-one else's business.

I do think it's something a parent might need time to adjust to, that's all.

You're not responsible for the actions (or reactions) of another person. Your mother is responsible for herself.

Yes it might take time to adjust to. But a, walking out of a family event instead of just being polite and b, the terms she used since when speaking to the OP to me say she isn't willing to adjust. She just sounds homophobic simple as.