To feel responsible for DM falling out with DB?

[Howridiculous1]

Long story short, after a drunken night out my brother came out to me. Told me he hopes I don't think less of him etc etc and he's gay. His mates at uni know. No family or friends at home do.

I told him he shouldn't even have needed to tell me and could simply have brought his boy friend to meet me. I am glad he confided in me but it really is a non issue and as long as he's happy im happy.

This was a couple of months ago, then around 3 weeks ago (fuelled I think by the courage my nonchalance gave him) he brought a guy he'd been seeing to a family bbq and introduced him as his partner. Well my mum just walked out. Literally just went home (it was at my aunt's house). I called her that evening and she said she will still speak to my brother but not when he's with a man friend and won't speak about this particular lifestyle choice.

Understandably my brother has chosen to not talk to her at all. It's been a horrible atmosphere in the family for the past 3 weeks, neither my brother or myself had any idea my mum thought this way.
I can't help but think if he or I had gently told her he was gay before springing a boyfriend on her in the middle of a family get together things might have been better.

My brother is my favourite person in the world (besides Dh and children) and it kills me to see him being shunned for something that doesn't even matter and is beyond his control.

It can be a big thing for a parent to come to terms with in themselves, especially generations that have not had the same influences as us. As such it probably would have been better to tell her unashamedly but with no extra shock value.

What's done is done, however. It isn't your fault. I would suggest you tell DM she needs to do some soul searching and reconcile herself with things as they are, not as she might wish them to be. The sooner she restores her relationship with her son the better for everyone.

Not your fault in any way.

1. It's not generational. My mother was born in 1920 and she wasn't a homophobe; she brought me up to accept people as they are; unlike my father, I never heard her say anything racist either. She did have excellent gaydar and used to buy the makeup for male naval colleagues.

1. It's time we stopped assuming everyone is straight until finding otherwise. Sexuality isn't a simple matter but rather a continuum. I do know someone whose teenage son set his mother down for a serious talk about realising that he was straight, but he had been brought up in an accepting home with a bi mother.

-you sound homophobic. You want to be thought of as better than racist, but honestly, you aren't

Eh? How have you got that from what they posted

armadillo it is nothing to do with being thought better than anyone else. It is about understanding that there is a significant difference between accepting something about a stranger and something about your DS, there is likely to be more emtional impact in something that involves your DS.
Just to be clear I don't think that the mum had behaved well in this situation but I also don't think situation was handled with that much emotional intelligence by the DS either. Hopefully as the mum gets her head round her son being gay she will apologise and they will move on with their relationship.

Rainbow-for what it's worth I thought that you sounded homophobic as well.

Dreich claimed that discovering a child had a same sex partner was different to discovering that they had a black one. It really isn't. Either way, an adult has fallen in love with another adult. If you have an issue with it just because of the partner's gender or skin colour, and see them differently, you are prejudiced. There is no excuse at all for either. Disgusting behaviour. Your talk about "big reveal" was terrible too.

Dreich- the fact that you seem to see homosexuality as something someone might in any circumstance legitimately see as difficult to accept says it all. You are sympathise with homophobes. I have no desire to engage with you further, as our views are too far apart. But I find that attitude vile.

Obviously if he had to "come out" to you it is not usual around where you live, with your family or your mothers generation. With that in mind your brother could have been a bit considerate to DM by having the chat. It is not however your problem/fault.

Feels like more people than I realised think that being gay is something people need to "come to terms with" and "accept"

Well your DB was worried and hesitant over telling you, so surely telling your mum would be harder.

And you well know that it sadly still isn't all plain sailing for gay people. They can still be victims of prejudice and treated badly. So however much your mum may have 'known' and however much she will still love him and it doesn't change who he is, it's still a worry that your child is going to possible have a more difficult road ahead in life. Would be lovely to think that's not the case, but we're not there yet.

Armadillo- I don't think this is about the partner, I think it is about the DS and his mother. It is about his DM adjusting to the fact that her DS is in a minority. A minority that means that it will be harder for him to have a family, harder to walk down the street holding hands with with partner, harder to choose where he goes on honeymoon if he ever gets married, more likely to receive abuse in the street or hanging out in his own garden, more likely to experience discrimation at work. These are just the examples from my family off the top of my head. Being gay is still a significant issue in this country and many others.

"Dreich claimed that discovering a child had a same sex partner was different to discovering that they had a black one. It really isn't."

The post might have been homophobic or racist or whatever. But sexual orientation and race ARE different things. Can we stop comparing the two, please?!

Obviously LGBT people and ethnic minorities both experience prejudice and discrimination. But that's where the parallels end.

I mean I'm pointing out the bloody obvious here but most heterosexuals can reproduce "naturally" (provided there are no fertility issues) whereas same sex couples who want children will have to explore other options - it is even harder for gay men than lesbian women.

An interracial couple may encounter lots of challenges but they won't have that particular one!

FROM OP: "He was visibly nervous about telling me (and we are close so he would have been more so with our mother) "

OP - you are a little disingenuous. He came out to you. He was a little drunk. He was nervous. All of the quotes. You love him and consoled him and encouraged him. All good. But - you would have known that your DM would have needed a heads up. So would he. He forced her hand, was more than a little cruel to her. Not for being gay but for not giving her a chance.

Armadillostoes

Rainbow-for what it's worth I thought that you sounded homophobic as well

I think you're getting posters mixed up. No-one has accused Rainbow of being homophobic.

Anotheremma-The point of making parallels is that many people will still make allowances for people being homophobic whereas they wouldn't for being racist. My point is that they both equally bad. Prejudice is prejudice and no form is more acceptable than another in this context.

Also, telling other people what parallels they may or may not draw is really condescending.

Armadillostoes
Forget that last message, it's me that's getting mixed up

Dreich I really will stop engaging with you after this. It is true and obvious that many people in the world have issues with homosexuality. But the ONLY decent and acceptable response upon discovering that someone you love is in a minority is instant and unconditional acceptance and care. I have no interest in making excuses for anyone who does otherwise. You seem to-that is your choice, but I think a bad one.

The point of making parallels is that many people will still make allowances for people being homophobic whereas they wouldn't for being racist.

Absolutely, this thread is full of people making excuses for the mother's reaction and explaining why it would be a shock, no grandkids, concern for their wellbeing, blah blah. Dress it up however you like, but it's still homophobic.

armadillostoes I don't know how old you are, but I'm in my 50s, and when I was growing up, there was a stigma to being gay. Yes, attitudes are beginning to change, but for many people, it is hard to change the attitudes that they grew up with, especially if those attitudes were formed by their religion or specific culture.

the fact that you seem to see homosexuality as something someone might in any circumstance legitimately see as difficult to accept says it all. You are sympathise with homophobes I don't see that at all, as quite a lot of the world sees homosexuality as impossible to accept, let alone difficult, and some throw gay people off buildings. It's not sympathising with homophobes; it's accepting the reality that for a large section of the global population, homosexuality is wrong, whatever we might think in a liberal Western culture.

Armadilloes But the ONLY decent and acceptable response upon discovering that someone you love is in a minority is instant and unconditional acceptance and care. I have no interest in making excuses for anyone who does otherwise.

Rather depends on what minority they are in though, doesn't it? Would you feel the same response should happen if they were necrophiliacs or cannibals? I would suggest those are minorities, albeit not usual ones.

OP - YANBU about your reaction but YABU to blame yourself for your mum's reaction. Yes, your brother probably could have come out to her first before going to the BBQ, but neither of you had any reason to think your mum would react the way she did.
I still remember the day my sister came out as gay as a teenager. I had to sit in my bedroom for 2 hours while my sister, mum and dad talked. They reacted quite badly to the point where they were reading out passages from the Bible to point how it was "wrong", and grieving the fact that my sister wouldn't have kids even though she said she would just not the traditional way.
She then told me and my reaction was the complete opposite to that of my parents. I said that was fine and it didn't make a difference to me because it didn't change who she was or the fact she was my sister.
It took a while but my parents did come round to the the fact she was gay, and now you wouldn't know they weren't happy with it to start with.
And my sister went on to have a beautiful daughter who is as amazing and beautiful as her mum.
I hope your mum will come round like my parents did, however your brother may need to apologise for not telling her beforehand as he didn't think she'd react the way she did. He shouldn't have to apologise for being who he is, but it might help things with your mum and make her realise he's still the same person and just likes boys instead of girls. Xx

dreichuplands
it will be harder for him to have a family, harder to walk down the street holding hands with with partner

Fwiw i don't think you sound homophobic, you sound as someone who have experienced similar.

And I do so agree, I AM NOT HOMOPHOBIC and have experienced similar, you really need to get your head around that fear of how your loved ones perhaps are going to be treated by others - as a first reaction.

Your dbs manner of coming out was inconsiderate at best, but op you must know your dm well enough to be able to tell, if it was chock, sadness not being confided in or if she is homophobic. If she is not a homophobe, she really, really needs someone to talk things through with.

Hope you find a way forward, I don't think any of you including your dm reacted in an appropriate manner. Please talk this through the 3 of you.

OP I don't think you are or were unreasonable.

A private heads up might be preference to some but your DM's attitude moving forward has shown it's her issues. Her actions after were her own responsibility.

You mustn't blame yourself. Your DB is 28 and old enough to make his own decisions regarding how to do things. Don't think he was wrong either tbf.

Hope your DM is able to get her head out of her arse and accept her son for who he is.

I'm quite surprised at some of the comments on here .
As a mum of a dd who is gay , I was fine with it , it doesn't change anything. It's just who you love why people are shocked or I don't know just because it's a different sex it puzzles me .
It's 2019 and homophobia shouldn't be excepted , the world has been changing for many years it's not happened overnight. Just because it was illegal years ago so what so was woman voting .

Hi hesajunkfoodjunkie, please do not apologise, that was a stupid anology - I get it. I was just (clumsily) pointing out that he should never be a problem or an issue to have to announce. Apologies again if I have spectacely missed the point.

My cousin did this, I knew as we socialise together sometimes but lots of family didn't, or he thought they didn't, my gran actually said to me oh I wish he'd just introduce us to his partner. He just rocked up to a BBQ with him one day about twenty extended family there, no one batted an eyelid just made him feel welcome at they would've if he'd turned up with a girlfriend, which is exactly what your mother should have done. I'm still surprised anyone reacts that way these days.

Wow - the mum is really taking a beating on this thread. Perhaps your mum felt hurt that her son chose to tell his sister in private but lumped her in with extended family BBQ and their 'more the merrier' tag ons. Was your brother going for reaction? Had he hoped you would tell your mum? Didn't your mum deserve a heads up 'mum I'm bringing my partner' phone call first? You say your mother has never had a problem with gay people before and even the family think she will 'come round', this says to me your mother is not homophobic but was hurt at the way your brother chose to come out.