To feel responsible for DM falling out with DB?

[Howridiculous1]

Long story short, after a drunken night out my brother came out to me. Told me he hopes I don't think less of him etc etc and he's gay. His mates at uni know. No family or friends at home do.

I told him he shouldn't even have needed to tell me and could simply have brought his boy friend to meet me. I am glad he confided in me but it really is a non issue and as long as he's happy im happy.

This was a couple of months ago, then around 3 weeks ago (fuelled I think by the courage my nonchalance gave him) he brought a guy he'd been seeing to a family bbq and introduced him as his partner. Well my mum just walked out. Literally just went home (it was at my aunt's house). I called her that evening and she said she will still speak to my brother but not when he's with a man friend and won't speak about this particular lifestyle choice.

Understandably my brother has chosen to not talk to her at all. It's been a horrible atmosphere in the family for the past 3 weeks, neither my brother or myself had any idea my mum thought this way.
I can't help but think if he or I had gently told her he was gay before springing a boyfriend on her in the middle of a family get together things might have been better.

My brother is my favourite person in the world (besides Dh and children) and it kills me to see him being shunned for something that doesn't even matter and is beyond his control.

I don't think it's your fault either - it wasn't for you to tell your mother, it was for your brother to do - but I do feel it was a little confronting for him to have done it in public like that, rather than seeing her on her own first.

However, that's not your fault either, and as neither of you knew your mother was a homophobe, it's also not really his.

I'm so sorry that she IS a homophobe and I hope that she sorts herself out - he's still her son whom she supposedly loves, so she needs to learn to accept him for who he is.

Very glad he has you

I know it sounds like I am defending your mum (I'm not as this behaviour isn't acceptable to anyone let alone family) but could it be a generational thing?
I work with some families who experience the same homophobia but it is literally that generation and is seen as wrong.
Maybe have a chat with her and express it really isn't an issue, times have changed.
Just support your brother like you have been doing!

Your mother's behaviour is inexcusable. perhaps it would have "softened the blow" to tell her about it first, but that in itself is making allowances for her shockingly homophobic behaviour.

This is in no way, shape or form anyone else's fault but hers. Don't try and blame anyone else, including yourself. would you be making these excuses for her if your DB had brought a black girlfriend to the bbq and your mum had just walked out? Would everyone be telling you that she'd come around to the idea?

Good grief.

This isn't your fault OP. I am glad you are backing your brother.

I would not have any contact with your mother either. If she hates gay people more than she loves her own children then you are all better off without her, including your DC.

Whereas I do think springing a new partner at a family bbq (even it was a new girlfriend) isnt the way to do it - particularly as an announcement that he is gay was I think a little out of order and was too much that is not what she is upset about.

Her response is inexcusable

You did nothing wrong. You spoke the truth, as you saw it and believed it.

You need to call your mum out.

What a ridiculous turn of phrase. Are you 13?

If it had been his gf would it be the same? It is not confrontational! Tbh I would be more annoyed that he invited someone without asking but you mum needs to get ver herself and figure out her emotions. Try giving her time but make sure she knows you find this behavior unacceptable and maybe suggest counseling so she can access her feelings.

Homophobia is generally something that is free society like racism.

Your poor brother - so sorry your mum behaved so badly.

I can see how he came out was perhaps not ideal. It was very public, and if it was me I might have been hurt that I didn’t already know about this big part of my child’s life. However I have absolutely no issue with my child being either straight or gay, so would have quickly recovered and welcomed the boyfriend.

Not defending your mum at all, but maybe she thinks your brother handled it poorly.

If her porbl m is simply that he is gay- then she’s an arse!!!!

From society and attitudes like racism.

You should tell her why you think he did it this way. She might just need time to process it - and it will help her knowing how you are supportive of him.

It shouldn't matter who your brothers partner is. Bringing them to the bbq unannounced is a red herring, your dm is ignorant.

Back your db 100%.

I think your relations are right, your mum will get over herself. Even if people aren’t homophobic it can often be a surprise and an adjustment when you find out someone you are close to is gay. (And before anyone else says it, sometimes it isn’t a surprise at all).

If one of my D.C. turned up at a family function with a new partner they hadn’t mentioned to me beforehand I’d be hurt that they hadn’t mentioned someone they were serious about to me beforehand. If that partner was same sex and it was unexpected I’d be doubly hurt that they had hidden that side of themselves from me.

Your mum had both those shocks and added to them seems to be a level of homophobia. Once she gets over the surprise and hurt she is probably feeling she will probably start to adjust to the fact of your brothers gayness too.

These bbq at my aunt's are a frequent think, it's taken as given that you can bring someone with you, the more the merrier (the irony). So it definitely wouldn't have been considered rude that he brought someone.

I had an inkling he may be gay (we are 28 and he's spent his late teens and 20s just enjoying life and never really had a girlfriend, he just started uni last year. But nothing hugely pointing that he liked men, but then again I wasn't looking for it.

I don't think my mum would have even thought about it. She's very old fashioned and I think just assumed he was 'being a boy' and partying

OP you sound like a lovely sister.
Your DMum is out of order and you are right to keep away from her.
She needs to get in the 21st century and realise she cannot take against people who are gay, black, different religions, different races, disabled, male or female etc. Perhaps she needs all of the protected characteristics pointing out to her in case she behaves like this at work and gets into trouble.

What is wrong with some people on this thread?! what era are we living in??? I cannot get my head around that there are some people who are that homophobic and non accepting of gay people in the current climate!
My son is transgender, and it would not bother me what his sexuality or identity is unless he was hurting someone. Jeeesss.
OP on your original question - no it is not your responsibility - your mother is responsible for her own actions and I would be questioning her values strongly with her at this point, you sound like a lovely brother and it is not your fault that your family have reacted in an unsupportive way to your brothers sexuality. I think it was a very brave thing to do to go to a BBQ - if you are worried you could have a conversation with him, just say what you said on here and add that you will always support him no matter what

I just assumed that OP is a boy, sorry!! if you are a sister you sound like a lovely sister, or lets just say sibling!!

This is so mad, I cannot believe attitudes like this exist at all in any time period and I'm always so shocked when people talk 'coming out'. It would be like me declaring to friends /family /colleagues that I like it doggy style and that I think it's important that they know.

This according to my gay best friend is straight person privilege.

You might let your mom know that although she may have been shocked or unhappy, she handled it poorly and it is time to make amends!

Your brother has your love & support- that is very important.

If your brother knew that your DM was “very old fashioned”, he should have found a more tactful, diplomatic and, above all, private way of telling her about his sexuality.

That does not excuse her reaction, however. She is a nasty homophobic bigot, her behaviour is totally unacceptable and she needs to apologise. If she were my mother, I would tell her that very bluntly.

You have done absolutely nothing wrong, and you are 100% right to support your brother.

I do think your brother should have told your mother that he was bringing somebody with him to the BBQ but only because that is the polite thing to do and nothing to do with his sexuality. As I said to my DCs, nobody ever comes out as straight and it's a non-issue as far as I am concerned. I don't assume that my youngest son is straight and I'll find out one way or the other one day.

Your mother was being unreasonable.]

In general introducing a new partner without warning is not the greatest idea Even with heterosexual relationships. Usually people like to know if their child has a partner and then know about meeting them.

That being said. Your mum acted terribley and damaged her relationship with her son for forever. Also it is not your fault at all.

Chocolate50. You are living in a very happy bubble if you think being gay in Britain is a non-issue nowadays. Surely you must have met people who have problems accepting your sons new gender?

I am a counsellor and psychotherapist working with teenagers and young adults in London. A sizeable proportion of my clients are gay/bi young men and women who don’t just struggle with family members accepting their sexuality but who struggle hugely with it themselves. I have clients who come to counselling hoping we can somehow ‘cure’ them of their homosexuality and make them ‘normal’. Quite recently I had a strapping young body builder crying in the counselling room because I couldn’t fix him and wouldn’t refer him to an agency who could offer him the aversion therapy he had heard of.

Homophobia , like all other phobias, is an irrational and deep rooted fear that transcends logic and common sense but like other phobias it can be cured. I hope one day my young client accepts himself as he is and I hope the OPs mum accepts her gay son sooner rather than later.

What is wrong with some people on this thread?! what era are we living in??? I cannot get my head around that there are some people who are that homophobic and non accepting of gay people in the current climate!

Nobody on this thread has said anything remotely homophobic have they?

Your mum may have been shocked but she could have hidden that and welcomed the new partner. She could have just smiled and said come on in both to your brother, just as she would if he was straight and brought a GF to the event.

My brother did similar by bringing his first (male) partner home for Xmas one year, having rang a few days before and asked my parents if he could bring his partner for Xmas and then being all in a rush and saying great thanks see you soon and ringing off after they said yes no problem. So he hadn’t even given them a name.

Truth is we had all wondered if he might be gay for sometime but this was the very first time he had introduced anyone and he had never even mentioned his sexuality in passing before.
No one said anything other than hello and welcome. Even my lovely 88 year old gran who I could tell was somewhat surprised but she still held it in and ended up falling for this new man wholeheartedly over dinner!

Your mum is showing a side of her that doubtless you wish wasn’t there. I would struggle to continue a deep relationship with her after this. You must be very hurt by her actions.