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Original poster

To feel responsible for DM falling out with DB?

163 replies

Howridiculous1 · 12/05/2019 15:04

Long story short, after a drunken night out my brother came out to me. Told me he hopes I don't think less of him etc etc and he's gay. His mates at uni know. No family or friends at home do.

I told him he shouldn't even have needed to tell me and could simply have brought his boy friend to meet me. I am glad he confided in me but it really is a non issue and as long as he's happy im happy.

This was a couple of months ago, then around 3 weeks ago (fuelled I think by the courage my nonchalance gave him) he brought a guy he'd been seeing to a family bbq and introduced him as his partner. Well my mum just walked out. Literally just went home (it was at my aunt's house). I called her that evening and she said she will still speak to my brother but not when he's with a man friend and won't speak about this particular lifestyle choice.

Understandably my brother has chosen to not talk to her at all. It's been a horrible atmosphere in the family for the past 3 weeks, neither my brother or myself had any idea my mum thought this way.
I can't help but think if he or I had gently told her he was gay before springing a boyfriend on her in the middle of a family get together things might have been better.

My brother is my favourite person in the world (besides Dh and children) and it kills me to see him being shunned for something that doesn't even matter and is beyond his control.

OP posts:
NurseButtercup · 12/05/2019 17:46

You are not your mom and you're not responsible for your mother's feelings and her behaviour.

Your brother took a calculated risk and it back fired in the most spectacular way.

I'm assuming that you are reassuring your brother that you won't abandon him. If you want to, then perhaps you could be the peacemaker and broker a meeting between your mom and your brother at some point in the future?

cuppycakey · 12/05/2019 17:53

OP does your mother have form for making everything about her?

BrokenWing · 12/05/2019 17:54

Replace "gay" with "black" and many of these posts sound pretty bigoted IMO.

No one is ever going to show up at a BBQ and announce they are black to their own mum!

It isn't about being homophobic, it is about realising your child has a part of them you didn't know about, thinking about the impact that will have on his life and how you can support them as there are homophobic people out there, the struggles he will have every time he starts a new job and has to "come out" over and over again, things like having children (if he wants that) will be harder.

It is also about realising you aren't as close to your child as you thought you were when they choose to tell you in a confrontational and public manner. OP has the opportunity to be told privately so she could support him, his mum, unless he dislikes her, deserved the same consideration.

Northernparent68 · 12/05/2019 18:01

Husky lover is right, it was n’t the right way to do it, you knew her views on sexuality. It sounds like you both like the drama.

Original poster
Howridiculous1 · 12/05/2019 18:05

No, we didn't know her views on sexuality. We gave known gay people and she had never said anything negative! I know it's hard to know from what someone writes on the internet but my brother is wonderful. He is kind, he doesn't like drama, he would never intentionally hurt anyone let alone his own family.

He got strength from me telling him being gay is no big deal and not something he should have to tell people or come out. He would never have done it this way if it wasn't for me which is why I feel so bad

OP posts:
CheshireChat · 12/05/2019 18:08

But even if the OP's brother had told their mum in a private setting, she wouldn't have been any less homophobic, she just wouldn't have embarrassed herself.

It's not as if she's homophobic due to the shock FFS!

pessimisticstateofperception · 12/05/2019 18:14

Confrontational, wtf Confused

"Hey family, here's my new partner"

What's confrontational about that?

As long as he's a nice person who gives a fuck what's in his pants?

amy85 · 12/05/2019 18:30

He was not confrontational at all!!! Why should he have sat his mum down and said he was gay and had a bf...he wouldn't be expected to sit her down and say he was straight and had a gf...I don't get the whole having to come out rubbish tho

somecakefather · 12/05/2019 18:32

Long story short, after a drunken night out my brother came out to me

I told him he shouldn't even have needed to tell me and could simply have brought his boy friend to meet me. I am glad he confided in me but it really is a non issue

I expect your mother would have been glad too if she was given the same consideration.

BrokenWing · 12/05/2019 18:34

He is kind, he doesn't like drama

We he was certainly unkind to his mum, and dramatic! It really does sound like he treated his own mum as a bystander in the little production you cooked up together. I'm surprised his partner didn't say, stop a second, I don't want to be brought into a family party like some kind of prop..

There are times when you give your parents (assuming you like them) their place and let them know significant things that are happening in your life before announcing to extended family. This was one of those times.

InTheHeatofLisbon · 12/05/2019 18:39

The thing is, in 2019 it shouldn't need to be something gay people are forced to sit down and explain to their families and friends.

If we are honest about acceptance and being inclusive, why do we still expect to be told? Why can't it just be that people introduce their partners as they would if they were straight?

BrokenWing · 12/05/2019 18:41

he wouldn't be expected to sit her down and say he was straight and had a gf

No, but if he was straight he probably would have mentioned a gf prior to showing up at the BBQ. Can't have it both ways, he choose not to mention to his mum he had a new partner because he knew it's significance. He choose a dramatic way, egged on by the OP, to announce it to greatest dramatic effect, knowing his mum isn't homophobic (according to the OP) and old fashioned and would have probably appreciated being given some consideration.

Original poster
Howridiculous1 · 12/05/2019 18:43

Amy85 that is my point exactly.

If you wish to believe this was a big production cooked up by me and my brother then that's your right but I can assure you it really rally wasn't like that.

I assured him he didn't have fyi "come out" no one cares what genitalia your partner has. In response he turned up with his bf (as he would a gf) and instead of what I said being corroborated by my mother, his worries of it being a big deal were confirmed.

She's never given us reason to think she's homophobic, I assumed she would feel the same as I did. Clearly I was mistaken

OP posts:
IncyWincyHider · 12/05/2019 18:43

I just want to address the couple posters saying that he was trying to be dramatic.
I believe he was trying to be the opposite of dramatic.
I'm someone who also came out to my parents by just telling them about my first girlfriend rather than making a "i'm bisexual" announcement. I did this because I didn't want the drama and hugs and tears and faff of an announcement- after all, no one has to come to out as straight do they.
Whereas simply telling them about my new girlfriend was telling them in the exact same way I had told them about previous new boyfriends. It was a way of making things LESS dramatic- treating this new relationship just as any other.
So I think it's cruel to describe the brother as dramatic. OP told him 'hey don't worry it's the same as any other relationship" and he was like "hey that's great, this doesn't have to be a big drama, I'll bring my boyfriend to meet everyone".
OP it's not your fault- you were being supportive by saying what you said.

IncyWincyHider · 12/05/2019 18:44

Cross post OP - we said almost exactly the same thing at the same time!

somecakefather · 12/05/2019 18:49

If we are honest about acceptance and being inclusive, why do we still expect to be told? Why can't it just be that people introduce their partners as they would if they were straight?

As someone who is straight, whenever I met someone and the time came to introduce my parents, I always gave them the heads up. Usually a phone call to say that "I've met someone and I'd like you to meet him, his name is such and such and blah blah"...isn't that what you would do whether you are gay, straight or bi?

InTheHeatofLisbon · 12/05/2019 18:53

somecakefather that's not what is being suggested on here.

The defending of the mother's treatment of her son makes me realise we're not as far forward as we should be.

So aye, bringing a new partner should be mentioned.

Sitting down and "breaking the news" as if it's a massive deal is unecessary.

Original poster
Howridiculous1 · 12/05/2019 18:53

Incy, yes!!

My brother once gave 75% of a pretty decent inheritance to a charity close to his heart. The only reason I know is because he discussed it with me and we looked into whether the money would go to the right people. Not one other member of family knew, no friends. He didn't want to make it a big gesture.

He will help people and not want recognition, he doesn't like being centre of attention. He was purely bringing his bf to a family bbq. Just tbe way I have in the past. Its It's a very normal way of teIts a our family that we have a new partner

OP posts:
somecakefather · 12/05/2019 18:53

I assumed she would feel the same as I did. Clearly I was mistaken

But you were told by him in a completely different way. You said you were glad he confided in you.

MaxNormal · 12/05/2019 18:55

No one is ever going to show up at a BBQ and announce they are black to their own mum!

Don't be silly, you know very well that this refers to bringing a black boyfriend/girlfriend along.

I'm also shocked at the posts defending the mother. And bollocks to generational, my mother would have been 82 and always had a ton of gay friends.

Original poster
Howridiculous1 · 12/05/2019 18:55

Some cake.
Yes I was glad he felt able to talk me because to him it was a big deal, he thought I would appreciate him coming out to me. But in my opinion it's not necessary. And he would always come to me about things before our parents because we are the closest person each other has

OP posts:
InTheHeatofLisbon · 12/05/2019 18:56

It's a very normal way of teIts a our family that we have a new partner

Then I revise my statement that bringing any new partner should have been mentioned first.

OP I'm sorry your brother is having such a tough time, and I'm sorry you've found out something so difficult to hear about your Mum.

I'm also gutted by some of the responses on this thread. And pretty depressed.

Drogosnextwife · 12/05/2019 18:58

Well it's a bit rude to turn up unannounced to a family get together with a new partner regardless of whether they are male or female. Infact just turning up with an extra geust without letting anyone know is a bit rude.
Your mum was equally rude though. She needs to apologize to her ds.

somecakefather · 12/05/2019 18:58

Sitting down and "breaking the news" as if it's a massive deal is unecessary

But why couldn't he have called his mother, told her "Listen, I've met someone, his name is whatever and I'd like you to meet him so we'll see you at the family bbq". No massive deal at all. That's what I've done any time I've met a new partner and it's time to meet the parents. In fact, if someone took me to meet their parent(s) and their parent(s) had no idea about me, I'd be really annoyed and wonder why they hadn't told them.

InTheHeatofLisbon · 12/05/2019 18:59

somecakefather OP has already said that just bringing a new partner to events is perfectly normal in her family.

Therefore unecessary.

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