To feel responsible for DM falling out with DB?

[Howridiculous1]

Long story short, after a drunken night out my brother came out to me. Told me he hopes I don't think less of him etc etc and he's gay. His mates at uni know. No family or friends at home do.

I told him he shouldn't even have needed to tell me and could simply have brought his boy friend to meet me. I am glad he confided in me but it really is a non issue and as long as he's happy im happy.

This was a couple of months ago, then around 3 weeks ago (fuelled I think by the courage my nonchalance gave him) he brought a guy he'd been seeing to a family bbq and introduced him as his partner. Well my mum just walked out. Literally just went home (it was at my aunt's house). I called her that evening and she said she will still speak to my brother but not when he's with a man friend and won't speak about this particular lifestyle choice.

Understandably my brother has chosen to not talk to her at all. It's been a horrible atmosphere in the family for the past 3 weeks, neither my brother or myself had any idea my mum thought this way.
I can't help but think if he or I had gently told her he was gay before springing a boyfriend on her in the middle of a family get together things might have been better.

My brother is my favourite person in the world (besides Dh and children) and it kills me to see him being shunned for something that doesn't even matter and is beyond his control.

Not your fault at all, you were not to know her reaction & probably she doesn't even understand her reaction, there are support groups that can help your mum. Us as the younger generation might not need that & it's not a slight on your mum, it's just different worlds coming together. I hope it all works out for you all.xx

Haha yes im female!

I agree with your family. She'll be OK. It's one thing to be accepting of 'gay' in general but another when it's one of your own children.
It isn't that fact that he's gay that has blindsided her. It's the fact that as a parent, whether or not you consciously acknowledge it, you have an expectation/ambition for how your children's lives will turn out. Finding out that your brother is gay does not affect that she loves him, but suddenly she finds herself grieving for a future for her child that she did't even know she expected: DIL, grandchildren etc etc. It's a reality shift and a lot to take in. Give her time to process. Comfort your brother. His feelings are hurt.
She is being unreasonable, but it should pass. Maternal love conquers all except in the most extreme circumstances, which this isn't.
And this isn't your fault OP.

Sorry, but I would have walked out too. Purely due to not knowing how to handle that.

I would have no problem with my son being Gay, but I would be outraged if he told me in front of a huge gathering of people, who would then be studying me intently for my reaction. Fucking horrendous thing for him to do. I mean FFS, who thinks "I know, I'll do a big Reveal to my Mum about being gay, in front of all of her friends and family, that will be fun"?

He sounds like he wanted a big Drama. And he got it. And now your poor Mum is the villain of the piece? When I'm sure if he had just had a 1-1 with her, she would have been absolutely fine with it.

Your poor, poor Mum. Your brother sounds Batshit.

Huskylover1 are you for real?! OP said nothing about a 'big reveal', it hardly sounds like a drama. He's 28 and he brought his partner to a bbq to meet the family. I get what you're saying and yeah it probably would've been better if he had called her and told her beforehand but his DM is clearly the batshit one here!

Those claiming they are sure the OPs mum is not homophobic but just a bit surprised - have you read this?

she said she will still speak to my brother but not when he's with a man friend and won't speak about this particular lifestyle choice.

She's already had three weeks to review her actions and is clearly homophobic. This is probably why the OPs brother did what he did.

You are not responsible, your mother is for her own actions and bad behaviour. A homophobe is a homophobe, her behaviour after shows she still feels the same so even giving her a heads up would have the same disgraceful response.

By the time she comes around it could be too late. How has the rest of your family treated your brother?

Us as the younger generation might not need that & it's not a slight on your mum, it's just different worlds coming together.

Homophobia isn't necessarily a generational thing, I'm in my 50s and homosexuality has always been acceptable to me - my parents objected to my gay friends when I was a teenager but they are in their late 80s. My generation are very accepting of it in my experience.

It's not a lifestyle choice...

Of course it's not your fault OP. You've been wonderful and supportive to your brother while she's being utterly unreasonable. It isn't a 'lifestyle choice' at all

Husky - I think you're on the wrong side here - it may be that he didn't think about it that way - and what difference does it make whether your son /daughter is straight or gay? fucking hell, not one bit as long as they are healthy and well.

I'm surprised that you have reached the age of 28 without already knowing your mothers feelings about this to be honest. I'm almost 60 and we always knew who was homophobic or not in our family or circle of friends. Likewise my teenage boys know that their sexuality will never be judged at home.

People might not voice their opinions as they once did but that doesn't mean, sadly, that there aren't still many people who feel as the OPs mum does.

I know it sounds like I am defending your mum (I'm not as this behaviour isn't acceptable to anyone let alone family) but could it be a generational thing?

No it's not generational. There are plenty of homophobic idiots out there considerably younger than me and my children (I'm in my sixties).

I think it would have been better if he'd talked to the OP's mum first, even if deep down she knew. Just in a matter of fact way to give her the heads up he was with someone and would be bringing them to meet the family. Not unreasonable with a partner of different or same sex.

@notatwork speaks sense.

I don't think your mum is homophobic, and quite frankly the way your brother went about it is going to be a shock to the system.

I'm guessing that he knew or had an idea of how his mother feels about gay people? So maybe it felt safer for him to do this in public. But for her it must have felt humiliating to be told something like this in front of a gathering of people and not in private.

When my son came out to me (as bisexual) I reassured him that it made no difference, and it didn't. Except that it was a huge shift- he had always been quite vocal about liking girls, and he has always slightly overshared generally so I had literally no idea and it took me a while to process. I felt as if the child I knew had died, which looking back seems ridiculous, but that was how I felt. I would have left too if I'd been told that sort of thing in public, it would just have all been too much for me.

Is there a chance that her later reaction about never seeing her son with a male partner was defensive and not how she really feels? Of course she may just hate gay people, but she may also have been put on the spot and reacted badly.

That's the thing, she's always been fine about people being gay. We have known gay people and she's never said anything negative. But I think it's because it's not her family.

Also let me be clear. My brother didn't want a big dramatic scene. I told him there was no need to come out and just saying hi this is my boyfriend, it's sufficient, which is why I think he felt brave enough to just turn up with him.

I had my suspicions but he's not camp, stereotypically gay (I hate even saying that!)

Another one saying it's not generational. We really shouldn't excuse people's behaviour on that basis. I can't bear people being let off the hook like this. Who decides what is acceptable for older people (including myself in this) to be bigoted about? Racism? Women's rights? Homosexuality? Sorry, but none of them is acceptable.

My nephew came out a couple of years ago. He was in his late 20s. He told his parents, with some nervousness, but they told him they didn't care as long as he was happy.

My mums reaction was a bit funny, she told me that is in a relationship, but it's with a man.

This was early days, she is in her late 80s and she never said anything negative, just struggled a bit, but managed to give her head a wobble and accept it.

When her rang me to tell me, I asked why it had taken him so long. He said he was worried about other peoples reactions. I told him I hoped he wasn't worried about mine and he told me he knew I would accept him for who he is and it wouldn't be an issue.

I am 51, possibly a similar age to your mum, maybe even older.

I know it is ok to be gay,after all, it's like eye colour, we don't get a choice! She should too!

Stick to supporting your brother.

It won't be about the fact he's gay. It's the way he went about revealing that to your Mum. In front of a group of people. It's so calculated. She will feel like a fool, not knowing that her own son was gay.

Put it this way, how would your brother (and you) feel, if at the next family BBQ your Mum turns up with a man, and tells you all flippantly that she's left your Dad, and this is her new boyfriend? Would you be upset she told you in front of a crowd, rather than in private? I bet you'd be bloody raging. Still, at least that would give your attention seeking brother another Drama to enjoy.

Chocolate50 You say in the current climate. The 'climate' on this was very different even 30-40 years ago, within my lifetime, and it could change again. Just because some are accepting, doesn't mean that everyone is.

My ds is bi, and we haven't told my Mum, as it avoids unpleasant reactions for ds. I think she must have an inkling as she never asks questions about his personal life....but I warned her off that ground when he was a teenager and she was being nosey.

She needs time to get used to the idea.She has had a big shock TBH and may come round given time.Years ago when she was young ,it was not acceptable to be gay and she is upset and in denial .Try to speak to both of them seperately ,and explain to Mum she risks losing her son for good if shes not careful!

I told him there was no need to come out and just saying hi this is my boyfriend, it's sufficient

That is a completely ridiculous. Your mum deserved the respect of being told privately and allowed time for it to sink in before it being presented to her in front of an audience. If it was my son I would have no problem with him being gay, but would have problems with the premediated, confrontational, public, dramatic way it was revealed.

You dbro owes you mum an apology. You need to keep your beak out.

Replace "gay" with "black" and many of these posts sound pretty bigoted IMO.

Wow ok. Personally I don't think it should be a private, considerate moment telling your parents you're gay. I honestly don't think it should be an issue, not at all. He seriously isn't dramatic, he was mortified at what happened.

As for saying it's tbe same as mum saying she's leaving my dad and this is her new boyfriend, no it's not. My brother bringing his boyfriend is a normal moral thing. Having an affair is not just who you Are it's an action you've taken.

Feels like more people than I realised think that being gay is something people need to "come to terms with" and "accept"

Wtf should it matter to anyone else what kind of genitals the people we love have?