To feel responsible for DM falling out with DB?

[Howridiculous1]

Long story short, after a drunken night out my brother came out to me. Told me he hopes I don't think less of him etc etc and he's gay. His mates at uni know. No family or friends at home do.

I told him he shouldn't even have needed to tell me and could simply have brought his boy friend to meet me. I am glad he confided in me but it really is a non issue and as long as he's happy im happy.

This was a couple of months ago, then around 3 weeks ago (fuelled I think by the courage my nonchalance gave him) he brought a guy he'd been seeing to a family bbq and introduced him as his partner. Well my mum just walked out. Literally just went home (it was at my aunt's house). I called her that evening and she said she will still speak to my brother but not when he's with a man friend and won't speak about this particular lifestyle choice.

Understandably my brother has chosen to not talk to her at all. It's been a horrible atmosphere in the family for the past 3 weeks, neither my brother or myself had any idea my mum thought this way.
I can't help but think if he or I had gently told her he was gay before springing a boyfriend on her in the middle of a family get together things might have been better.

My brother is my favourite person in the world (besides Dh and children) and it kills me to see him being shunned for something that doesn't even matter and is beyond his control.

Rainbow-for what it's worth I thought that you sounded homophobic as well

Amadillio for what is worth I don’t care what you think about me. You have know idea of my family set up or my group of friends it’s laughable that you call me homophobic. But I guess it’s easy to band names about on an anon site.

This really isn’t about the information that was given - it was about how it was delivered. It was insensitive for him to have done that to his mother in front of her family.

My cousin is married to a woman and they wouldn’t have treated my auntie like that.

If you can’t understand the difference between the delivery and the information that you clearly don’t have any emotional intelligence.

OP - you are a little disingenuous. He came out to you. He was a little drunk. He was nervous. All of the quotes. You love him and consoled him and encouraged him. All good. But - you would have known that your DM would have needed a heads up. So would he. He forced her hand, was more than a little cruel to her. Not for being gay but for not giving her a chance

And I struggle to see why she can’t see the difference that’s why I had my doubts about the thread

One thought. Maybe the brother KNEW that his mother wouldn't accept him being gay which is why he introduced it yo her the way he did? Maybe he was scared of her reaction if he'd told her privately.

We can't know so we can't judge.
Either way it isn't OP's responsibility.

I'm going to go back on my first opinion because I think the problem here has been that you assumed your mother was the same as you and would react the same as you.

Thing is, you got told in one way, and she didn't. So he should really have done the same for her as he did for you. But yes, you probably do have to take some responsibility for him not doing that because YOU didn't believe it was necessary. Turns out you were wrong.

Have either of you spoken to your mum since you started this thread? I would hope you have, to at least find out the true state of her mind.

Yes I have spoken to her. She maintains that she's in the right. She said maybe she was rude to simply walk out without speaking to anyone but as far as she's concerned he is still her son who she loves, but she will have no part in enabling his behaviour. Im disgusted honestly.

She "will have no part in enabling his behaviour"?! I'm not surprised you're disgusted, I am too.

Your mum is a homophobic arsehole. I would feel privileged and relieved if my child cane out to me. What the hell is wrong with her? It’s not the 1950s

OK, then - so she is definitely a homophobic bigot. :(

So in the end, it doesn't really matter that she had it sprung on her, her reaction would have been pretty much this whether in public or in private.

I would no longer worry about any part you may or may not have had in this situation - it's ALL on your mother now, and her behaviour and reactions.

So sorry for your DB. xx

Your mum deserved the respect of being told privately and allowed time for it to sink in before it being presented to her in front of an audience.

Yes. And of course there are any number of areas where telling family first is the decent thing to do. I was a bit hurt that my daughter told some of her friends about her pregnancy before she told me or her sister, for instance (Though of course I never said anything or showed that).
For your mum to hear amidst a whole bunch of other people would have been hurtful. He put her on the spot. Her response was terrible, I don't deny, but all the same, he should have told her, or introduced the friend to her first.

Also, of course, what he did was unfair to the new boyfriend, who was thrown into drama. I would never put something new on that position, and I would be really annoyed in a heterosexual relationship, to be introduced to family without them knowing that I existed beforehand.

Something= someone. Thanks autocorrect.

saraclara
Keep up - we've already established that the mother would've respinded the same whether she was told privately or in public. Read op's last post. Its all on the mother she's a homophobic & doesn't deserve any sympathy.

I'd be deeply ashamed & hurt by her comments. She badly needs educating but its not OP's problem. Honestly I would be tempted to be totally straight up with her about how you feel.