To feel responsible for DM falling out with DB?

[Howridiculous1]

Long story short, after a drunken night out my brother came out to me. Told me he hopes I don't think less of him etc etc and he's gay. His mates at uni know. No family or friends at home do.

I told him he shouldn't even have needed to tell me and could simply have brought his boy friend to meet me. I am glad he confided in me but it really is a non issue and as long as he's happy im happy.

This was a couple of months ago, then around 3 weeks ago (fuelled I think by the courage my nonchalance gave him) he brought a guy he'd been seeing to a family bbq and introduced him as his partner. Well my mum just walked out. Literally just went home (it was at my aunt's house). I called her that evening and she said she will still speak to my brother but not when he's with a man friend and won't speak about this particular lifestyle choice.

Understandably my brother has chosen to not talk to her at all. It's been a horrible atmosphere in the family for the past 3 weeks, neither my brother or myself had any idea my mum thought this way.
I can't help but think if he or I had gently told her he was gay before springing a boyfriend on her in the middle of a family get together things might have been better.

My brother is my favourite person in the world (besides Dh and children) and it kills me to see him being shunned for something that doesn't even matter and is beyond his control.

Infact, I take that back she wasn't equally rude, she was extremely rude and sounds homophobic.

Maybe it's different in other families but honestly, my aunts bbqs are well known in the family, in her street for that matter. She's no children and adores having a full house and family. If a neighbour so much as glances at the house they're invited in. Growing up we could turn up with a group of friends, bf gf etc and everyone is welcomed. It's hard to explain but honestly, bringing a new boyfriend or girlfriend for tbe first time to one of these is perfectly normal for us

What era are we living in- someone posted above. E x a c t l y - an era where famous people post twitter pics of chimps.
Daily almost there is stuff about homophobia, racism etc so it's pretty obvious everyone isn't a virtue signalling luvvy. Get real.

Having said that I would be extremely hurt if my DS kept me out of his life like that. Why didn't he tell her ? She was shocked and walked out of the bbq, probably feels pretty stupid now - he should be mending the relationship.

I think if you knew your family assumed you were straight it would be normal to tell them you were gay before arriving with a same-sex partner (and vice versa if for some reason your family thought you were gay but you were straight). Your sexuality might still come as a surprise even to someone who wasn't a raving homophobe and it would be better for the surprise to happen separately to meeting a new partner at a large family event.

That said if for some reason DS decides to turn up with a boyfriend one day I'll be surprised but not upset or disappointed and I'd welcome his partner into the family so no one is responsible for your mum's bad behaviour but her.

OP has already said that just bringing a new partner to events is perfectly normal in her family

Listen, sometimes threads move on before we have a chance to read every single update and we post before we see it.

"I'd told him he shouldn't even have to come out, and that or should be as simple a case of this is my boyfriend."

This was spectacularly bad advice.
Just because something "should" be the case doesn't mean it IS the case.
The fact is that statistically there are more straight people than LGBT, being gay is completely normal but it is a "minority" identity. A lot of people assume that someone is straight until they say/show they're not - this is wrong but it is not always due to homophobia, just thoughtlessness.
To you, sexual orientation isn't a big deal. To some people, it actually is. For someone to "come out" as gay (and it doesn't have to be a big announcement) it can be a big event for them, it can be an important affirmation of their identify and an opportunity for loved ones to reassure or reject them. It can be scary. Frankly for you to dismiss it as "no big deal" from your position of privilege (as a straight person) was naive and irresponsible.
You would have done better to ask him whether/how he planned to tell your parents. If he was unsure you could have suggested that he considered seeking advice from others who had been through the same ie other LGBT people!

I don't care about the "open door" policy at these BBQs, the fact is that he should have called his mum beforehand and said "Just wanted to give you a heads up, I've met someone and I'd like to bring him to aunt's BBQ".

That doesn't excuse her reaction, obviously she was rude and homophobic. She may well have reacted badly even if he'd told her in the same way he told you. But your bad advice did make it all worse.

@Bravelurker
This is so mad, I cannot believe attitudes like this exist at all in any time period and I'm always so shocked when people talk 'coming out'. It would be like me declaring to friends /family /colleagues that I like it doggy style and that I think it's important that they know.

This according to my gay best friend is straight person privilege.

NO! It is NOT like that at all. I think you mean well but it is exactly this attitude that leads to people protesting against kids knowing what being gay means because they don't want kids knowing about sex. Being gay is an orientation and is absolutely NO WAY COMPARABLE to asking what people like doing privately in their bedroom. Sorry to be harsh and if it came across as rude but whenever I read a comment like that it really gets on my nerves. Gay is an orientation, not a sexual position.

Im aware it was bad advice, hence this thread.

The conversation didn't go
Im gay....ok no big deal...
He was visibly nervous about telling me (and we are close so he would have been more so with our mother)
I wanted to let him know it's not a big deal. I didn't say he should just turn up with a boyfriend, I just said he should be able to just do that, mot come out. I didn't make him feel like it was no big deal. He was over the moon at how little of a deal I found it, even though be knew I would be ok with it he was still nervous

**’Replace "gay" with "black" and many of these posts sound pretty bigoted IMO.’

‘No one is ever going to show up at a BBQ and announce they are black to their own mum!*

Surely it’s obvious that the comparison is with someone bringing home a black boyfriend/girlfriend?

In the case of the OP’s brother, I think it would have been better to give his mum a heads up so she had a chance to get used to the idea of him being gay.

It doesn’t excuse what she said, obviously, but she might have reacted differently if she’d known what to expect.

I think your brother owes her an apology tbh.

His timing was extreme and it provoked an extreme reaction.

You were told this information in an entirely different setting it’s a shame your mother wasn’t afforded that too.

I have a cousin who is married to another woman who is an integral part of of our family - but my cousin would never have treated my auntie like this.

Your brother should have known your mother enough that this was a bad idea.

It’s really not about the information but the delivery of it.

If he doesn’t like being centre of attention why did he bring a boyfriend to a family BBQ when every one assumed he was straight. Obviously it’s going to cause some kind of stir. If this is a true thread it’s a bit out of character isn’t it?

How you deal with things will be entirely different to how other people deal with things.

Many parents have a life time ‘knowing’ their children are gay even before their children realise or ‘come out’ - some are completely unaware so yes, it does come as a shock. And when people are shocked they react in different ways.

I think the best way forward is to keep your nose out now

If this is a true thread? What an absurdly boring thing this would be to troll about.

Yes maybe he should have told her first. But neither of us could have predicted this response. We gave both had gay friends with no reaction from her and a waiter at a place we often go to is gay and overly camp (she knows he's gay) and she is like his best pal when we're there!

Oh come on. It's so obviously different when it's your own child who is gay. Some parents are upset because they worry about not having grandchildren - I don't agree or sympathise with that but it happens. You can't just assume that because she doesn't have a problem with other people being gay she won't be at all shocked or upset to learn that her son is.

There are many things that ideally “should” happen, but this is the real world, and he should have told his mum in private, that he was gay

Ok so in answer to my question. I'm not being unreasonable to feel responsible for dm falling out with db

Yes maybe he should have told her first. But neither of us could have predicted this response

Are you both really that naive?

OP-It wasn't bad advice. Your mother is beneath contempt. The world would be a better place without homophobic, racist and other prejudiced dehumanizing behaviour. There is no excuse-would she need warning it someone from a different race was partner to one of her children?

You would only be responsible if you actively encouraged it. You said you didn’t.

I would hope if you knew you would have had the good grace to give your mum the heads up about the big reveal.

And yes OP-YABU to blame yourself. Posters saying otherwise aren't much better than your DM

You are not responsible for your mums reaction. She is being unreasonable. It may have come as a shock to her but to not get in touch and apologise since then is very bad and inexcusable.

We had a close family member announce they were gay a few years back and it is something significant to get your head round. Because it is about someone you have known for years having an undisclosed part of themselves and a fairly significant part. It is nothing like rocking up with a stranger who happens to be black to a family party.
This is a major part of the identity of this woman's son and one she was unaware of. Expectations that she may have had about DIL's, babies etc will have to change. The backstory he has lived up to now needs to be revisited and resorted, there will be family stories had need to be retold with a different perspective. All of this can and should be done but it truly doesn't seem that thoughtful to expect her to start this work at a public event infront of lots of people.
I can't really think of a worse way to let your DM know this or one less likely to have a positive outcome.

Your mum was probably just shocked if she had no idea her son was gay. She handled it really badly though. Parents are only human and it probably really threw her and she had no idea how to react. If my son told me he was gay it wouldn’t bother me as long as he was happy but if he just turned up at a family party with his boyfriend and I had no idea I wouldn’t be happy. How she reacted afterwards wasn’t wonderful and she needs to realise she either accepts it or she looses her son.

I also don't think you are responsible- I say continue to support your DB & keep ypur DM's response & talking about this separate if you can.
Its not your fault of course it isn't- you were being a supportive sister. Keep going you're doing good. Can i ask - was anyone else surprised that your DB is gay? I'm just wondering if maybe your dm feels that she had no clue & her reaction was because she wonders how she hadn't guessed.

A couple of people have said it had crossed their minds in the past but he has had a couple of very short lived relationships with women

Dreichuplands-you sound homophobic. You want to be thought of as better than racist, but honestly, you aren't.