Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to tell these women to buzz off

239 replies

Brodiebirdy · 11/05/2019 21:24

My partner (who I’ve been with for just under a year, but have known through work for quite a few years) is part of a group on Facebook/Twitter/instagram where they all have the same type of Labrador cross dog. Quite a few of them have dogs from the same litter- he has known these women longer than he has known me. They have meet-ups where they walk the dogs together- these are often hours away from where we live as they are all spread out across the uk. They are having one next month that my partner had taken the day off work to go to. However I have a medical appointment on the same day that my partner wants to come with me (I have a chronic health condition and am slightly hard of hearing so he wants to be there for support) so he has told the group that he can’t go. They are really upset that he’s not going and are saying that I’m taking him away from his friends and that they’re all travelling for hours (one woman is driving for 10 and a half hours for this walk) and that I could easily change an appointment. They feel that I’m jealous of the bond that they all have and that I’m splitting up their ‘family’ with the dogs. I am absolutely stunned by their reaction and think it is really odd. AIBU or should I encourage him to go? I’m really confused by all of this

OP posts:
SolitudeAtAltitude · 11/05/2019 23:00

Shame your DH is not standing up for you...

He probably enjoys all the attention of his "mummy" and "sisters"

Sounds like a (sex) cult!

DuchessAnnogovia · 11/05/2019 23:05

I'd soon be telling them to sod off! As for the woman doing a 10+ hour drive for the meet up, is she flipping crazy?! I wouldn't put my dog under the stress of being in the car for that long just for a bloody walk! Even if it was a diamond encrusted, magical yellow brick road kind of walk. Also, although my pup has siblings, they're spread far and wide and I see no reason to be meeting up.

These women are very rude, and are completely off their trollies for thinking a walk takes priority over a wife's medical appointment, and as for the 'lady' who came round to your house, I think missing the dog walk and getting lessons in good manners would be more of a priority.

I think your husband should think twice about meeting up with these harpies ever again. To badmouth you is disgusting, and he shouldn't put up with it at all.

JazzersMaw · 11/05/2019 23:05

Crazy dog people are crazy. That’s all you need to know. And before all of MN gets upset, I am referring only to the crazy ones not dog people in general. Smile

Straycatblue · 11/05/2019 23:09

Why is your DH not telling these women to STOP bitching about his DW ????? wtf hmm

he says it’s best to avoid confrontation and that his dog loves to see the other dogs so he doesn’t want to cause an argument

Putting people right when they're badmouthing your loved one, is not 'confrontation'.It's basic, human decency
The fact he doesn't want to do it because 'his dog loves to see the other dogs', is waaaay beyond insulting.
So the dog's 'playdates' are more important to him than his own wife's feelings?Blimey.

He doesn't want to cause an argument? Sorry, but I couldn't be with a man who didn't stand up to a group of women, supposed to be his FRIENDS who were being openly hostile towards his partner. Not a chance.

I understand this dynamic, I've seen it before at work, but I can't articulate it well. One man and several adoring women acting like his little fanclub.

All of this ^

You have a husband problem.
He's got his own little group of adoring women who have "claimed" him as their own, you are painted as the meanie wife that won't let poor old him just go for a dog walk and instead of defending you, he just doesnt, cos you know, your dog might be upset if it doesnt get to go on the group walk?!

Is this the relationship you dreamed of , where your husband lets a group of women treat you badly and not only doesnt defend you but continues to meet up with them.
I would have to seriously reconsider my marriage rather than be with a man who thinks that this is in anyway acceptable behaviour towards his wife.

LizB62A · 11/05/2019 23:10

I'm just baffled that people are taking time off work and driving for hours to walk their dogs - that's really bizarre !

dreichuplands · 11/05/2019 23:14

I also thought that quizqueen there is a lot of giving animals human thoughts going on here.
I doubt the dogs are sitting there thinking, "goodness I haven't caught up with ds for a while, I hope they are okay. I can't wait to tell them out a new stick I've found"

JaneEyre07 · 11/05/2019 23:18

We don't see anything remotely familial about it OP, the dogs are related not us!! Without the dogs we'd have little in common.

We only ever meet on Sundays, or during half terms and we never drive more than 2 hours so the dogs get to enjoy the day too. Thankfully most of us are in the central area, so it works well.

And yes I'd think it very odd if someone came to a meet up and said their significant other was in hospital that day...........

I may get narky if it's my turn to arrange the meet up and people keep changing dates etc but I'd never express that to any one else in the group in a million years.... that would be crossing a line.

wildcherries · 11/05/2019 23:19

Honestly, after your updates, I think you should have a talk with him, make him understand that the way they treat you and talk about you makes you uncomfortable. I wouldn't be issuing ultimatums, but I would pay attention to his reactions and his actions following. There is no way I would stay in a relatively new relationship if it turned out that a group of fawning, overstepping women came before me in my DP's mind.

Because, then, would that ever change? He is doing nothing to appease your discomfort about this.

Original poster
Brodiebirdy · 11/05/2019 23:22

@LizB62A the thing is though, most of these women don’t work- they do just sit on Facebook all day. I had a period of ill health when I was younger where I couldn’t work and admittedly I felt completely empty and like a part of my identity was gone- I think these women have created this ‘family’ to give themselves a purpose- they all try to take the most beautiful pictures of their dogs and they spend hours talking between themselves on the internet. They absolutely idolise the breeder- they feel she’s a ‘phenomenal’ woman

OP posts:
Straycatblue · 11/05/2019 23:25

Sorry hadnt realised he wasnt your husband but a partner of less than a year, thats what i get for reading it quickly on break!

If hes treating you like that so early on in the relationship then red flags are waving.

Mummymummums · 11/05/2019 23:26

Your DP should have your back every time in this situation. He should simply say "I don't know why you're talking about Brodie like this. You have misunderstood. She didn't ask me to attend the appointment with her, I want to. I'll see you all next time hopefully."

RedDogsBeg · 11/05/2019 23:30

After your last update, OP, your partner really should step away from this group, their level of obsession is unhealthy and it is now impacting directly on you, his partner. He needs to open his eyes and focus on you and your relationship not this group of, quite frankly, batshit women.

Tillygetsit · 11/05/2019 23:31

YABU to tell them to buzz off. Tell them to fuck right off and stop trying to suggest you're jealous of them. What vile up themselves morons!

IHaveNoIdeaReally · 11/05/2019 23:31

The only woman who is jealous and insecure in this scenario are the dog women in this group. They sound pathetic and obsessed.

You're not being selfish, they are

LizB62A · 11/05/2019 23:33

@Brodiebirdy They sound very odd, tbh !
Your other half needs to make it clear to them that they're not his priority - it's good that he's going to the appointment with you but it's a bit weird that he'd originally arranged to take a day off work to mee up with a bunch of bored women and their dogs

I hope your appointment goes well Smile

Original poster
Brodiebirdy · 11/05/2019 23:35

@straycatblue I know, there are some warning bells going off in my mind. I am so happy with him though and I have asked him if he has any feelings for any of these women and he says definitely not. I would feel a lot better if he stood up for me though

OP posts:
FoxSquadKitten · 11/05/2019 23:39

I feel sorry for the poor dog driving 10 hours 😱 I don't think a true animal lover would do that to a pet ☹️ They sound bonkers.

Dora26 · 11/05/2019 23:42

I am a massive dog person and this sounds batshit crazy to me

Kidsteacherisfit · 11/05/2019 23:51

100% batshit. Foxsquad nailed it and my dog would literally leave a fat staffie shaped hole in my car if I attempted a ten hour drive. WOOF 😊

Italiangreyhound · 11/05/2019 23:54

Brodiebirdy I think the whole dog thing sounds quite lovely.

However, you are completely right to prioritise your health and so is your dh.

I think it is a bit sad your dh doesn't stick up for you and tell the women to stop being bitches!

"I considered changing my appointment so that he could go but it’s an important appointment and I know it might sound selfish but I feel like I need to be put before these women on this occasion- I realise that this might be selfish of me."

It's not at all, even remotely selfish of you, please remember your health is more important than a dog walk.

Thanks
Contraceptionismyfriend · 12/05/2019 00:03

I do not get this at all.

Are any of these women married? Have children?

Original poster
Brodiebirdy · 12/05/2019 00:07

@contraceptionismyfriend yes all but one are married and two have children. I don’t know if their husbands are aware of how they view this friendship. The lady that came to our house brought her husband. He was quite chatty to my partner and I think he has been to one of the dog walks- he didn’t appear to be uncomfortable with it though

OP posts:
ReanimatedSGB · 12/05/2019 00:08

The way to deal with an unhealthy hobby-group like this is with cheerful, civil indifference. Do what you want to do, don't engage with any whining or tantrums. People's sexual/romantic partners don't have to like their friends or vice versa - there are few things more tragic than someone trying to inflict their latest shag on an established friendship group. Unless it's an established friendship group claiming the right to like/dislike a group member's latest shag.
Your chap is coming to support you at your appointment, OP - he's offered, you haven't had to stamp your feet and insist that he demonstrates that you are more important than his other friends. Don't start the foot-stamping over the fact that they don't like you - it's not your problem whether they like you or not.

GabsAlot · 12/05/2019 00:09

well you need to tell him then-i dont know why he would need prompting if hes reading these messages but at least say so

Oohgossip · 12/05/2019 00:10

Sorry, but the issue here is not these (sad) women, but your partner.

They’ve been openly rude about you and he hasn’t done anything about it? Totally unacceptable.

Swipe left for the next trending thread