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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to tell these women to buzz off

239 replies

Brodiebirdy · 11/05/2019 21:24

My partner (who I’ve been with for just under a year, but have known through work for quite a few years) is part of a group on Facebook/Twitter/instagram where they all have the same type of Labrador cross dog. Quite a few of them have dogs from the same litter- he has known these women longer than he has known me. They have meet-ups where they walk the dogs together- these are often hours away from where we live as they are all spread out across the uk. They are having one next month that my partner had taken the day off work to go to. However I have a medical appointment on the same day that my partner wants to come with me (I have a chronic health condition and am slightly hard of hearing so he wants to be there for support) so he has told the group that he can’t go. They are really upset that he’s not going and are saying that I’m taking him away from his friends and that they’re all travelling for hours (one woman is driving for 10 and a half hours for this walk) and that I could easily change an appointment. They feel that I’m jealous of the bond that they all have and that I’m splitting up their ‘family’ with the dogs. I am absolutely stunned by their reaction and think it is really odd. AIBU or should I encourage him to go? I’m really confused by all of this

OP posts:
ThatssomebadhatHarry · 11/05/2019 22:26

I have asked him if he’d ever say anything to them about these things and he says it’s best to avoid confrontation and that his dog loves to see the other dogs so he doesn’t want to cause an argument

Nope he likes the attention of being pawed over by a bunch of gaggling women.

How would he like it if you had a similar set up with all men who speak in the same way about you? Probably livid. You deserve more respect from him.

Original poster
Brodiebirdy · 11/05/2019 22:27

@discogarden they walk the dogs and then go for lunch- a lot of them stay in hotels (with the dogs) the night before and after and they almost make a holiday of it

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 11/05/2019 22:28

he says it’s best to avoid confrontation and that his dog loves to see the other dogs so he doesn’t want to cause an argument

OMG are you serious ? So he would sit and listen to these woman insult and offend his wife instead of defending your character ? that is nasty OP, good luck at your appointment. Flowers

gamerchick · 11/05/2019 22:30

1 junction on the M6, in my experience

That made me properly laugh, cheers man Grin

Nope he likes the attention of being pawed over by a bunch of gaggling women

Indeed!

No, he's coming with you as his his choice. You come before these woman. If it's that important they will all rearrange. Although that would be even weirder.

He probably likes the attention but should have your back for any unkind comments.

welliesarefuntowear · 11/05/2019 22:30

I can understand, hearing aids are tiring, and I work on reception too sometimes and it's exhausting trying to hear everyone. Otosclerosis is one of the few hearing impairment conditions that can be resolved with surgery and I can now manage without a hearing aid. I do sympathise. Trying to be in a group outdoors and hold a conversation with new people. I would definitely have shied away from the dog waking. Just ignore them. They sound wholly weird 😋

JaneEyre07 · 11/05/2019 22:32

I'm a member of such a group. We all have puppies from the same litter, and are spread out miles. Our last meeting was a good 100 miles from me, but I was happy to go and it was a brilliant day.

What does irk me is that we make these days in the diary when we are all together, book a venue and then what happens is people say "oh i've got X on that day, can we change" and another pipes up saying "my DP has got a hospital appointment we can't change". Then hours of arranging a meet up has gone boom in a puff of smoke and we're back to the drawing board. It can be really frustrating to the person trying to co-ordinate when you've agreed a date in advance.

Just adding another perspective in. I do hope your appointment goes well OP Flowers.

bowchicapewpew · 11/05/2019 22:32

Umm best to ignore those strange dog people. You dodged a bullet there, what wierdos

It's a good test of your DP's commitment to your relationship

If those (crazy fanatical) dog people were worthy friends they would chill out, display human empathy (medical appointments) and attempt to get to know you.

BrendasUmbrella · 11/05/2019 22:34

I understand this dynamic, I've seen it before at work, but I can't articulate it well. One man and several adoring women acting like his little fanclub.

They won't warm up to you. I'm sure the dogs like seeing each other, but is it worth having that hostility in the background of your lives? Dogs get along very well in life without meeting up with their siblings. He needs to let them know that if his partner isn't treated with respect he'll have to leave their "family".

CrazyCatNerd · 11/05/2019 22:35

He doesn't want to cause an argument? Sorry, but I couldn't be with a man who didn't stand up to a group of women, supposed to be his FRIENDS who were being openly hostile towards his partner. Not a chance.

INeedAFlerken · 11/05/2019 22:38

I wouldn't ever want to spend time with any of them, they sound awful! Who prioritises a dog walk get together over someone's important, long-awaited medical appointment?!? Especially in this country where appointments can take forever to get.

They aren't good people. Good people understand that loved one's medical needs come first. How would they feel if their own partners prioritised 'a day out' over being there for an important medical appointment? I bet they wouldn't be impressed if itwas about them.

They don't like you in your partner's life; they're jealous and mean.

HappyRoots · 11/05/2019 22:38

I think that unfortunately "niche" groups like this on Facebook attract the odd strange character with very little else going on in their life. I used to help do Admin for a FB group connected to a dog rescue. Most folk were/are lovely, but there's ALWAYS one... or sometimes a couple of oddballs who are way too invested and that can affect the dynamic of a group. Usually a couple of them fall out and create a load of drama dragging other people along in the process. I'd suspect it's something like that and possibly one of them has a bit of a fixation on your DP. As others have said I'd just ignore it. Your partner's doing the right thing going with you to your appointment - that's the main thing.

WorraLiberty · 11/05/2019 22:39

he says it’s best to avoid confrontation and that his dog loves to see the other dogs so he doesn’t want to cause an argument

Putting people right when they're badmouthing your loved one, is not 'confrontation'.

It's basic, human decency Confused

The fact he doesn't want to do it because 'his dog loves to see the other dogs', is waaaay beyond insulting.

So the dog's 'playdates' are more important to him than his own wife's feelings?

Blimey.

StoneofDestiny · 11/05/2019 22:41

Barking mad!

madeyemoodysmum · 11/05/2019 22:41

How old are these ladies.

I go to an art club and women of a certain age can be a bit set in there ways are territorial. Woe betide a sit in a different seat for example. I’m 2o years younger than most of them.

TessieVanKendre · 11/05/2019 22:42

Haven't read full thread but, I wouldn't be telling them to buzz off!! I'd be telling them to get fucked!! And tbh, your partner needs to understand, that they sound fucking weird and possessive and perhaps he should start keeping his distance from the Fruitloop Society.

Original poster
Brodiebirdy · 11/05/2019 22:45

@JaneEyre07 but do you think of the other owners as 'your' family? And do you think that you have an amazing bond with them- a bond that has to come above all other relationships? I think it's healthy to meet up with people who you have things in common with but I feel this group have taken it too far!

OP posts:
EdtheBear · 11/05/2019 22:46

How many times per year do they meet up?

At first I assumed the 10 hrs drive was round trip so 5 there, 5 back. But a 20hr round trip with a dog is bonkers!

Original poster
Brodiebirdy · 11/05/2019 22:46

@welliesarefuntowear thank you so much for your lovely reply again! I'm so glad that you have been able to sort your hearing loss and that you can hear well without hearing aids! They really can be a pain sometimes!

OP posts:
Original poster
Brodiebirdy · 11/05/2019 22:48

@EdtheBear they aim to meet up around 4 times a year (this is the only time the breeder leaves Scotland) but over the last year they've only met up once- the majority of these women spend hours each day on facebook talking to each other though so they are incredibly invested

OP posts:
GabsAlot · 11/05/2019 22:48

sorry i think its bad he wont say anythng to defend you-a good partner wouldnt let their oh being slagged off

Original poster
Brodiebirdy · 11/05/2019 22:50

@GabsALot I know, I definitely get what you're saying- I just find the whole thing really odd and feel like I don't know what I'd say to him about it. My partner is somebody that really does want to be friends with everyone- I'm not sure he sees how much these women upset me

OP posts:
Lizzie48 · 11/05/2019 22:53

I do get how invested dog owners can be with their pets (I’m a cat person myself but I am quite invested myself). But this is beyond ridiculous, especially as the dogs themselves won’t care that they’re meeting their birth family again.

I do think your DH is being spineless in letting them bitch about you with impunity.

RedDogsBeg · 11/05/2019 22:56

I'm struggling to get past the dog being driven for 10 hours to go for a walk?????

Utter madness. These women sound weird and obsessed, although I have to say most of the dog breeders I have met have been just like that.

Personally, I think your partner should disengage with this group. They are being rude and disrespectful to his partner, sitting in your home enjoying your hospitality and just glaring at you is incredibly bad behaviour - no-one would get a second chance to treat my husband like that and vice versa - and now them bad mouthing you on the FB group and expecting you to change a medical appointment to suit them. Honestly, can he not see how awful this is? He should be putting you first, defending you and telling them to sling their hooks, if he doesn't I wouldn't be happy with his priorities.

quizqueen · 11/05/2019 22:58

Poor dogs, being driving for hours for a 'people catch up' walk when they would be happy just going round the corner for a wee!!! It's just another example of entitled, self indulgence.

RedDogsBeg · 11/05/2019 23:00

Isn't it just quizqueen, this is not about the dogs it's about the humans no dog wants to be driven miles and miles to meet up with siblings fgs.