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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think husband could be a bit more husbandly?

488 replies

ilovemycatmorethanyou · 11/05/2019 15:45

This is a little lighthearted so please don’t let’s go all LTB 😂

Name changed as it could be a bit outing.

DH and I went out last night for a meal and drinks with friends, we don’t go out very often, maybe once a month.

When we arrived he bought me a drink and we sat down at the table. We weren’t in a round with anyone and the other girls husbands were going up to the bar to buy their drinks. My glass had been empty for a while so I got up to buy myself a drink, asked if he wanted one but he didn’t.

We have independent finances, always have had.

AIBU to wonder why I’m the only female getting up to buy her own drink? I felt a bit peeved by it.

Am I being a princess?

OP posts:
Tigger001 · 11/05/2019 17:30

What is all this talk about being a princess, it is so cringey no matter which side of the fence you sit on in the debate.

I think you should expect good manners, no matter what gender you are.

I have never expected my DH to get up and go to the bar for me, but if my DH knew for some reason I hated going to the bar, yes he would go for me, as he would want me to do something I felt uncomfortable doing. Just as I would for him, our gender is irrelevant.

I personally have always gone to the bar for myself as it has never bothered me being the only woman queuing at the bar or the only woman in my group to get a round in. I am an independent person who is comfortable with my relationship and in my own skin, I don't need to change our behaviour to prove anything to anyone.

PamelaX · 11/05/2019 17:30

Tbh I would take it as a compliment that your dh thinks of you as an equal.

I wouldn't.

As a woman, I am used to DH - or other men actually - to get my drinks, which they generally do even at work. I don't get up to get the rounds. It hasn't stopped me being promoted above their heads.

As it happens, as a manager I don't even get up and carry the rounds. I leave a card behind the bar when I pay for the team.

Some posters seem to have a very grim life, I prefer being a princess.

CostanzaG · 11/05/2019 17:31

What's wrong with going to the bar yourself? I didn't realise we needed men to do that for us?

Tigger001 · 11/05/2019 17:32

That should read he wouldnt want me to do anything I felt uncomfortable doing...😡😡

NameChangeNugget · 11/05/2019 17:32

It’s 2019. Why couldn’t you go to the bar?

Tringingle · 11/05/2019 17:32

I'm with the tiara wearers!👸🏻 🙋‍♀️

Moodyfoodie · 11/05/2019 17:33

Were all the ladies sitting around talking of fluffy kittens?

TheFastandCurious · 11/05/2019 17:34

Parrot do you offer all those things in return?

Yes. That’s why I said ‘visa versa’. We’d never sit there drinking while the other one sat with an empty glass either.

Ginger1982 · 11/05/2019 17:34

I don't have a problem both paying for and ordering the drinks if DH and I are out together. My female friends and I would taus a turn going up to the bar with no issue. I don't get why you wouldn't be prepared to do so.

ralphfromlordoftheflies · 11/05/2019 17:34

I really hate how many women still go all eyelash fluttery over men 'looking after them' and being all 'traditional'. Men going to the bar for every round like doing it because it highlights how much more important they are than their little women because they earn all the money so the womenfolk are beholden to them. The concept of being beholden to a Very Important Man is just so romantic.

LuckyAmy1986 · 11/05/2019 17:36

I’m with you OP! If DH and I were out for the evening it would definitely be him going up to get the drinks, he just naturally would. (I am able to go myself and wouldn’t have an issue with doing so if he said do you mind going up this time)

adaline · 11/05/2019 17:36

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe it doesn't bother me at all - people can do whatever they want in their relationships.

It's just a very bizarre concept to me, that's all.

ilovesooty · 11/05/2019 17:37

Thanks Parrot missed the vice versa, sorry.

mrsawhite · 11/05/2019 17:38

Do you have joint finances? We do. So on nights out DH is the one that does the drinks buying. Whether in rounds or for us. No particular reason. He just seems to like doing it. Usually goes off with husband of whoever we are out with for a natter and to get drinks

PurpleDaisies · 11/05/2019 17:38

Why do some people feel the need to pillory others for opinions/actions of others that don't affect them or anybody else, in the slightest?
They do affect others. The expectation that men behave in a certain way towards women simply because they’re women has help women back for decades and stops is ever from fully being seen as equal.

Yabu op.

Mummyshark2018 · 11/05/2019 17:38

@PamelaX
How do you manage when there are no men around 😂

kyles101 · 11/05/2019 17:39

Honestly! Of course op could go to the bar, but sometimes it's nice to have your tiara on and have your dh treat you like a princess. Especially if all of the other tiara wearing friend's knights were galloping off to the bar for them.

Op obviously is usually very independent as dh didn't automatically hop off to the bar the second the glass was empty. A swift kick to the shin and pointed look at glass would probably have rectified the situation 😉

Op never said she couldn't, indeed she did. As a woman I'm fully capable of doing everything my dh does, sometimes I just like to be treated like a "lady" though. And actually, sometimes I do just want to be looked after a bit, so there. Apologies if I've set feminism back 30 years.

DefinatelyAWeeGobshite · 11/05/2019 17:39

DH usually buys our drinks because he’ll go for a vape and then to the bar on the way back but I do go up too, I’d say it’s split like 70/30...

Chippychipsforme · 11/05/2019 17:40

I don't mind going the bar at all. I usually get served quicker than OH because I'm prettier.

peardrops1 · 11/05/2019 17:40

Talk of 'chivalry' always makes me LOL. 'Please, burly knights, protect us dainty ladies! We might fall down in a SWOON if forced to go to the bar ourselves!'

Redcliff · 11/05/2019 17:41

It has never occurred to me that my husband should go and buy me a drink if he is still drinking his. If I was going up I would offer and he would do the same. What an eye opener this thread is.

ooooohbetty · 11/05/2019 17:43

@ralphfromlordoftheflies my eyelashes don't flutter at all nor am I beholden to him.

He pays because it's fair and we've agreed that it's fair. i have no expectation that he behaves in a certain way and I'm not responsible for setting feminism back decades. He goes to the bar because he wants to not because I insist that he does because I'm incapable. It's no big deal and if he fancied not doing it then I'd go.

ANewDawn10 · 11/05/2019 17:43

I get you too op.

I wouldn't have felt comfortable as well walking up to the bar and my dh would have made sure he got me a drink. Dont care if I sound like a princess.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 11/05/2019 17:44

My dp is attentive he has good manners.he doesn’t treat me like a princess.because I’m not
All this pwincess rubbish it all sounds a bit Phil Mitchell .
I’m imagining the thick & traditional treat her like a princess men that folk are partnered with

ILoveMaxiBondi · 11/05/2019 17:48

Some posters seem to have a very grim life

You think going to the bar is a grim life? Confused but are happy for men to do this grim thing on your behalf?

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