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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think husband could be a bit more husbandly?

488 replies

ilovemycatmorethanyou · 11/05/2019 15:45

This is a little lighthearted so please don’t let’s go all LTB 😂

Name changed as it could be a bit outing.

DH and I went out last night for a meal and drinks with friends, we don’t go out very often, maybe once a month.

When we arrived he bought me a drink and we sat down at the table. We weren’t in a round with anyone and the other girls husbands were going up to the bar to buy their drinks. My glass had been empty for a while so I got up to buy myself a drink, asked if he wanted one but he didn’t.

We have independent finances, always have had.

AIBU to wonder why I’m the only female getting up to buy her own drink? I felt a bit peeved by it.

Am I being a princess?

OP posts:
Original poster
ilovemycatmorethanyou · 11/05/2019 16:12

@ilovesooty - it’s not being in possession of a vagina that’s the issue here. It’s a question of chivalry, do you expect it or not? I’m perfectly capable of being entirely independent, my vagina and I just didn’t want to be last night.

OP posts:
SlatternIsTrying · 11/05/2019 16:12

Some Reasons DH goes to the bar instead of me

  • I am wearing ridiculous shoes that look fabulous but not great for standing
  • I am short and so get swamped at the bar
  • when out I am not lugging my massive work bag with large purse about, but DH still has his wallet.
  • It suits me not to go. Of course I am quite capable of doing so, but that doesn’t mean I want to.
MiaCulper · 11/05/2019 16:13

I never mind paying, it’s the queuing I hate. I’m not very tall and not very loud, so I expect DH to do that bit for me. And why wouldn’t he? Our marriage isn’t a battle of the sexes. we do things for each other because we like each other.

Nancydrawn · 11/05/2019 16:14

I think it's fine that you went to the bar to get a drink for yourself.

I think it's shit that when he went up a bit later he didn't ask if you wanted anything.

PamelaX · 11/05/2019 16:14

Obviously possession of a vagina means you have an entitlement to table service.

well yes, I am lucky I was born female, I have been making the most of it all my life Grin

MiaCulper · 11/05/2019 16:15

I also make him, or one of our DCs, queue at buffets on my behalf. 💅🏼

skippy67 · 11/05/2019 16:15

Me and DH have separate finances. If we're out in a scenario such as the OP has described, he always buys the drinks. I get you OP.

Original poster
ilovemycatmorethanyou · 11/05/2019 16:15

The room was about 50:50 men and women. Only men (and me) at the bar! I have a point here and it’s not because I’m incapable of ordering and collecting my own drink.

OP posts:
IAmTheChosenOne · 11/05/2019 16:16

I'm with you OP, I don't got to the bar either, unless out in female company. I have standards. But we also have a joint accounts so the finances are irrelevant. I say irrelevant because I control them so if we are going out I either give him the cash, or I tell him which bank card is in use.

MontyPythonsFlyingFuck · 11/05/2019 16:16

Well, it clearly is a question of being in possession of a vagina, isn't it? Because only people with penises are supposed to display "chivalry". FFS, it's 2019. Chivalry was a consciously old-fashioned idea when it was around in the 13th century!

Pinkarsedfly · 11/05/2019 16:16

It’s a bit sexy when they look after you.

Kneehighinshit · 11/05/2019 16:16

Do not waste your life waiting for a man to do things for you!

Or just say to him- can you get me a drink please?

No man is a mind reader!

adaline · 11/05/2019 16:18

I'm no princess and I don't spend much time in pubs but if I did, I would expect my partner to go up to the bar for both of us, not leave me there with an empty glass.

What if he didn't want a drink? Why can't you go and get your own if you want another?

Onceuponacheesecake · 11/05/2019 16:18

What tiara OP? Clearly it's as invisible to your husband as it is to me.

Baffled by some of these replies.

Ilovetolurk · 11/05/2019 16:18

As he bought drink one I’d either buy drink two for us both or give him a tenner and ask him to go up

Original poster
ilovemycatmorethanyou · 11/05/2019 16:19

Yeah I like the idea of being looked after!

I’m late 40’s and after a life of being fiercely independent I’m a bit sick of it, I’d love my car door opened!

Which one tonight, the emeralds or just plain diamonds? Must match the ballgown.

OP posts:
adaline · 11/05/2019 16:19

I'm with you OP, I don't got to the bar either, unless out in female company. I have standards.

Standards? What are you talking about?!

Vandree · 11/05/2019 16:20

I would nearly have to wrestle DH to be able to go to the bar to get him a drink. I don't expect him to get me a drink but he is usually the quicker drinker so would be up to the bar first and got into the habit of being the drink buyer. I usually end up telling him I am going to the loo and getting the drinks on the way back. I wouldn't expect him to get me a drink just because my glass was empty but if he went up without asking me if I wanted anything then I would be a bit peeved, same way if I was getting up I would ask him. I don't think you are a princess but if I said I was getting a drink he would offer to get it for me so I am very happy to be a princess sometimes

Original poster
ilovemycatmorethanyou · 11/05/2019 16:22

It’s not about paying for it, it’s the getting up and standing at the bar, I’d happily give him the money for the drinks.

OP posts:
Sparklyring · 11/05/2019 16:24

Maybe he didn't go because it was 'your turn'. I find married couples without joint accounts very odd. We have a big circle of friends, all married, and bar one have joint accounts. It's always odd when we go out and they pay separately or one offer to 'treat' the other.

adaline · 11/05/2019 16:24

It’s not about paying for it, it’s the getting up and standing at the bar

Okay...and what's the problem with you doing that? Why do you expect him to do it? It's especially odd if you expect him to do it when he doesn't even want a drink!

Rezie · 11/05/2019 16:25

With combined finances the one who is thirsty first goes to the bar and buys the drinks or if drinking at a different pace then getting their own. People with separate finances (me and my bf) we go in turns or if we drink at a different pace then we get our own.

clairemcnam · 11/05/2019 16:26

I am genuinely amazed at this thread. If this is about money you might have a point OP. But women and men are equally able to walk up to the bar and get a drink.
The only time I would insist DP went is if we were in a music venue and the bar was three people deep, I am short and it is tough to get served in these circumstances. But otherwise, we take turns.

Deadringer · 11/05/2019 16:27

I am short so never get bloody served at a busy bar, that's the main reason my dh does it, it has nothing to do with who is paying. After 30+ years together it's become a habit now too I suppose.

Baloonphobia · 11/05/2019 16:27

This is mad. What else do you expect your DH to do for you? Do you get miffed if he expects you to do things or is he being sexist then?