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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think husband could be a bit more husbandly?

488 replies

ilovemycatmorethanyou · 11/05/2019 15:45

This is a little lighthearted so please don’t let’s go all LTB 😂

Name changed as it could be a bit outing.

DH and I went out last night for a meal and drinks with friends, we don’t go out very often, maybe once a month.

When we arrived he bought me a drink and we sat down at the table. We weren’t in a round with anyone and the other girls husbands were going up to the bar to buy their drinks. My glass had been empty for a while so I got up to buy myself a drink, asked if he wanted one but he didn’t.

We have independent finances, always have had.

AIBU to wonder why I’m the only female getting up to buy her own drink? I felt a bit peeved by it.

Am I being a princess?

OP posts:
Walkaround · 12/05/2019 13:00

ilovemycatmorethanyou - but you specifically said your dh bought you a drink when you arrived. So, he did something nice for you. What's your problem? Did you really think he should do multiple acts of the same form of "niceness" all night whilst you sat on your arse? And if so - why? Why is that so incredibly nice? Also, did you analyse it all closely enough to establish whether all the other men really were going to the bar and buying a single, solitary drink for their little women, or were they getting themselves drinks at the same time? Maybe you just drink too much, too quickly and got out of sync with your less thirsty dh... or maybe you broke the rules of chivalry by mentioning your empty glass before he had a chance to notice it and spoilt the whole thing by saying you were going to get your own drink, anyway... If you can't follow the "rules" properly yourself...

Original poster
ilovemycatmorethanyou · 12/05/2019 13:02

Thanks @LyingWitch that’s exactly what I was thinking. @MaxiBond there is a time where you’ve made your point and telling me what I “really think/mean” is more than a bit silly as you don’t know the first thing about me.

OP posts:
OutOntheTilez · 12/05/2019 13:04

The OP would have a case if her husband ignored her empty or almost-empty glass and went to the bar for his own drink without asking her if he could get her anything – as he would have a case if she went to the bar without asking him. It boils down to basic respect.

If OP wanted a drink, she should have gotten it herself after asking her husband if he needed one.

Don’t know about OP’s situation, but I didn’t marry my husband so I could have an errand boy at my beck and call.

Bunbunbunny · 12/05/2019 13:04

My DH tends to drink quicker than me so normally gets our drinks,he'll ask me if I want one before going up to the bar. My DF does the same, never really thought about it before.

Original poster
ilovemycatmorethanyou · 12/05/2019 13:04

@walkaround at what point does the fact I got up off my arse as you so eloquently put it and went to the bar spoil your interpretation of events?

OP posts:
Original poster
ilovemycatmorethanyou · 12/05/2019 13:05

For those who haven’t yet grasped it, I did get up and go to the bar, after asking DH if he also wanted a drink.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 12/05/2019 13:06

Why would you be forbidden to answer? I just wondered why, in your last point answering the OP, you made the same point that she did, only with added sneer. What has she done to deserve that?

ILoveMaxiBondi · 12/05/2019 13:06

there is a time where you’ve made your point and telling me what I “really think/mean” is more than a bit silly as you don’t know the first thing about me.

But OP you said

AIBU to wonder why I’m the only female getting up to buy her own drink? I felt a bit peeved by it.

you said that. You typed those words. I didn’t imagine them. You made it about being female and you pissed that you were the only female not being bought and served her drinks.

mojitoclock · 12/05/2019 13:09

If course there is such a thing as gender-specific manners. Or behaviours - call them what you will.

To take it to extremes, wouid you feel equally alarmed if you saw a man punching a woman in the face as you would if you saw him punching a man? Maybe you think it’s all one and the same? I don’t.

Because it’s not actually the same, there is the concept of “gentlemanly behaviour” eg, in this example, “don’t hit women”. If society had not developed certain codes of behaviour such as this, things wouid not be better for women. It’s an important part of civilised society. Similarly, the whole “ladies first” concept - if there was no concept of this whatsoever, women would frequently be pushed aside because “we’re all the same”.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 12/05/2019 13:10

The the OP said this:

I did go to the bar as my original post said, I just thought it would be nice if DH did it?? It’s not about feminism or incapability, it’s about my husband doing something nice for his wife.

This selective copying and pasting is irritating, but par for the course.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 12/05/2019 13:10

Why would you be forbidden to answer?

Because you accused me of something, demanded an explanation and then said you didn’t care for the answer. I was confused about whether I was supposed to answer or not.

I just wondered why, in your last point answering the OP, you made the same point that she did, only with added sneer.

Did you “just wonder” because you went on to claim you didn’t care for the answer so it seems like you were just having a go because you dislike my comments.

What has she done to deserve that?

OP tried to claim it was nothing to do with sex but just about a nice gesture. When her OP shows it wasn’t that at all.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 12/05/2019 13:11

If course there is such a thing as gender-specific manners.

When it comes to buying drinks? Really?

OutOntheTilez · 12/05/2019 13:14

Sorry, ilovemycatmorethanyou, you did type that. Read it last night and didn't bother re-reading this morning. Mea culpa.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 12/05/2019 13:20

I said, I didn't care what your reason is because there's no excuse for it, not that you shouldn't post it. Clearer for you?

I don't like the way you've rounded on the OP, no. It's not just you, your point that I selected as so-similar-to-OPs-that-it's-really-the-same-thing is why I posted about it.

OP has explained throughout, answered questions and has been ridiculed by you and others whatever she says. Posters can explain their posts, add to them. What so special about this thread that you have to go after the OP the way you have?

I'm ambivalent about your posts, you have the right to your opinion. I have the right to mine. It's just a bit of a sad indictment that the insults are coming from the same old posters with an agenda. Why the need to insult those who don't agree with you?

^^ not specifically to you MaxiBondi, because you're not the only one on the thread doing it.

mojitoclock · 12/05/2019 13:25

Bondi - you are one of the posters who would turn something like a man buying his wife’s drinks into a whole debate about the whole history of the patriarchy, the gender pay gap, glass ceiling and so on.

To be honest, the issue has never really crossed my mind until this thread.

OutOntheTilez · 12/05/2019 13:30

There is absolutely nothing wrong with your partner doing something nice for you, but it shouldn’t be expected simply because he’s a man, like you cooking dinner and doing laundry shouldn’t be expected of you simply because you’re a woman.

To PP advocating Team Princess, do you have children or do you plan on having children? We already know the philosophy you are striving to inculcate in your daughters.

Presumably then you will have no trouble whatsoever with your son being married to someone who demands he do all the legwork while couching it under the guise of “chivalry.”

You’ll be o.k. with your son as errand boy because his wife has breasts.

Right?

CostanzaG · 12/05/2019 13:34

There can be gender specific behaviours evident in groups and individuals but that doesn't make them right. It is important to challenge behaviours which are no longer relevant in society or which promote inequality.

Society evolves and these 'codes' change and evolve too. In 2019 I don't think 'gender-specific manners' are relevant anymore.

With regard to your violence analogy. Male on female violence is so shocking because there is often an unequal power balance. Typically men are bigger and stronger than women so have a physical advantage. I don't like violence at all but in society male on male violence is deemed more acceptable because it appears to be an equal fight....unlike m/f or adult/child. It's the power imbalance.

Original poster
ilovemycatmorethanyou · 12/05/2019 13:35

Yes and it was then and still is about manners and being treated nicely. You’ve made your point over and over again.

OP posts:
kyles101 · 12/05/2019 13:40

I commend you @LyingWitchInTheWardrobe and @mojitoclock for trying, unfortunately you are arguing with treacle. The irate feminists extrapolate the light hearted - from op original post - social commentary into saying we're going to be demanding modesty panels for piano legs, then you sensibly address the wider issues and get "so that means you can't go to the bar" thrown back. You won't win, poor op, it was a lighthearted and I thought fairly knowing original post that has descended into a complete farce. I would worry about what the work is coming to but thankfully I've only ever encountered these extremest views from keyboard warriors on here.

kyles101 · 12/05/2019 13:41

*world not work

Walkaround · 12/05/2019 13:50

ilovemycatmorethanyou - but the fact you got off your own arse is precisely my point... You got off your arse and bought yourself a drink, so apparently making it clear you were not interested in that particularly silly game of chivalry. So why whinge about it afterwards, as though you would have liked your dh to leap up for you? Was your dh supposed to notice that you were miffed about getting off your own arse? Or to be staring anxiously at your glass all night, in case you emptied it faster than he emptied his?

ILoveMaxiBondi · 12/05/2019 13:53

What so special about this thread that you have to go after the OP the way you have?

I really really have not “gone after” the OP. I have responded to the OPs posts, just like others have, you included, I have responded to other posters posts, just like others have, you included, I respond on plenty of other threads, just like others do. You included. There is nothing “special” about this thread or OP. I’m not “going after” anyone. This is a discussion forum. For discussing. It’s what we’re all doing. You don’t like my opinions or comments, that’s fine. That doesn’t mean I’m “going after” anyone, any more than you are going after me.

CostanzaG · 12/05/2019 13:54

I'm a proud irate feminist and if you met me in real life kyles I'd have no issue in expressing my views in person. It's too important to ignore.

I'm also thankful for the irate feminists that went before me.

I would have thought it was simple really.....just treat everyone with respect. No need to change your behaviour because someone does or doesn't have a vagina. 🤷

ILoveMaxiBondi · 12/05/2019 13:56

Bondi - you are one of the posters who would turn something like a man buying his wife’s drinks into a whole debate about the whole history of the patriarchy, the gender pay gap, glass ceiling and so on.

Well no, because I’ve seen that scenario countless times and never turned it into any debate. What I am is one of those posters who responded to a thread about this specific thing with context appropriate comments. This thread happens to be about sex and gender, I didn’t start it or turn it into the that.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 12/05/2019 13:59

I've only ever encountered these extremest views from keyboard warriors on here.

Wow! It’s extremist to think women can get their own drinks at the bar.