To think husband could be a bit more husbandly?

[ilovemycatmorethanyou]

This is a little lighthearted so please don’t let’s go all LTB 😂

Name changed as it could be a bit outing.

DH and I went out last night for a meal and drinks with friends, we don’t go out very often, maybe once a month.

When we arrived he bought me a drink and we sat down at the table. We weren’t in a round with anyone and the other girls husbands were going up to the bar to buy their drinks. My glass had been empty for a while so I got up to buy myself a drink, asked if he wanted one but he didn’t.

We have independent finances, always have had.

AIBU to wonder why I’m the only female getting up to buy her own drink? I felt a bit peeved by it.

Am I being a princess?

I never said I was feminist! I am independent but hate all that double standard feminist bullshit!

Ah, I see. You like gender traditionalist roles and see yourself as less than a man. In that case YANBU OP. Suggest to your husband he manages all the money matters including buying drinks from now on and focus on children, cooking and going to church.

Offering to go to the bar for someone because you’re going = nice gesture, regardless of who is offering and who is being offered.

Expecting someone to go to the bar for you or feeling you can’t go because of your sex= not nice gesture, just sexism. And you don’t have to conform to that.

“I'm an academic who studies and researches equality - specifically gender equality.

Nobody is suggesting a gender neutral society”

Well if you’re not suggesting a gender-neutral society, can you define which behaviours are acceptable and which are not?

I have studied gender equality in the past too, though I wouldn’t describe myself as an academic . Ivd also studied psychology, so tend to approach life through this kind of perspective.

Life is more than academics and theory though. Life and relationships are instinctive, for the most part. Some women are drawn to men who exhibit more “masculine behaviours” for whatever reason. Some women prefer a more “gender neutral” relationship for whatever reason. Some people are gay. You only get one life and there comes a point where you just have to put the theorising and the “whys and wherefores”to one side and just live it.

I don’t n ow why some posters are making out that if your husband treats you like a lady then in turn you must be his skivvy quite the opposite in my case.

Dh does 80% of the housework and we have a cleaner 3 times a week! All I do is cook and laundry and we both do childcare. He earns all the money but I own the house outright and have investments. Dont see how that makes me his skivvy.

I don’t get all this chivalry is dead and we have to do everything ourselves as women

I don't think anyone said chivalry is dead and we all need to do everything ourselves. What was said was we should be treated as equals, and so should our partners, it's about mutual respect.

So equally capable of buying a round, carrying a bag, offering a coat. It's about treating each other with kindness and respect.

The whole he should go to thr bar for no other reason than because he's a man is bonkers sexist shit. As said before, it's the same bonkers sexist shit that we see on here about how the man should pay for dates, because we are women and should be "treated".

What worries me is are these women spouting this sexist shite bringing their daughters up to behave like this, or will this crap die out with this generation and in future men and women can treat each other equally with respect and daft nonsense like oh no I can't possibly go to thr bar, I'm a woman, die away.

I lovemaxbondi would your dh seriously take your coat from you if he was cold?

I lovemaxbondi would your dh seriously take your coat from you if he was cold?

Was that what I asked? I don’t think it was. I asked if you would offer yours. Would you not?

The coat isn’t actually a good analogy because giving the coat leaves one without a coat and getting wet. Not the same as having to walk to a bar.

Well an offer made with zero expectation of its being accepted is hardly a sincere one, is it?

No I wouldn’t because it wouldn’t fit him and he wouldn’t leave me wet.

Not one woman on here has said they 'can't' go to a bar and order a drink. Not one. All of us can. I do.

mojito I think that's pretty obvious....treating someone or expecting to be treated differently purely because of your sex isn't acceptable. You can dress it up as old fashioned chivalry all you like but those values were developed in a patriarchal society and that is important to know and understand.

I understand that academic concepts and theories don't always translate directly into real life BUT they do illuminate problems and issues. Part of my job is to find a fit between academic theory and real life. My specialist area is womens career development.....you'd be surprised at how different actions, attitudes and behaviours can influence a womens career development. We still live in a society which is structured to favour men. In order for this to change, attitudes and behaviours need to change. This issue may seem small but it is all part of a bigger picture.

I do understand that individuals have choices and some people feel happier in the more traditional gender roles. But that's not what we're talking about .....were talking about societal expectations as a whole. If we start talking in terms of 'women can't or shouldn't do X' and 'men should always be expected to do Y' we end up on dangerous ground.

A coat can be shared over head by two people. You’ve definitely seen people do that. Would you never share you coat with your partner?

rivers was that aimed at me? It’s not what I was suggesting or something I would ever do. If I offer my coat/carry bags/get drinks I full expect to do it!

I lovemaxbondi would your dh seriously take your coat from you if he was cold

And on the other side, would the woman seriously take the coat from the husband if he was cold.

Daft analogy.

If it's supposed to be a manly, chivalric gesture, then why? Either because it is considered too dangerous for the woman to go to the bar, due to the unwanted attention of predatory males; or because obtaining drinks is considered a generally dangerous activity (serious injury could occur to the woman's clothes as a result of spillages, maybe, or she could get bunions from moving a few feet in her ridiculous footwear?...); or maybe because it marks out the woman concerned as belonging to that man. Or maybe a mix of all three. It also increases the chances of a less than honourable male spiking her drinks with more alcohol than she wanted. All in all, I think it's a pretty silly thing to turn into the man's responsibility, tbh. It's just drinks, not a wild boar, ffs. Take it in turns.

Not one. All of us can.

Yes that’s the problem. All can, but choose not to because they have vaginas

Or you could read the real reasons proffered by posters on this thread...

@ILoveMaxiBondi how does that work then? when I go to a bar and order drinks my vagina is still there.

The reasons being proffered are sexist bullshit. I want to be treated like a lady, cmon, treating you like a lady is not expecting you to wash his pants, Cook his dinner, treating you like an equal. It's not behaving like you're too feeble to get a round in.

I think it is shocking because there are legal and social expectations today of the right to be treated equally regardless of gender. If we, as a society, want men to become more involved in caring roles, if we want to break down the gender pay gap, if we want more women in politics, if we want equal numbers of female managers, then attitudes to traditional roles have to change. They are changing too.
I can remember the low level sexism that was prevalent in the 1970's. The verbal and physical abuse directed at gay couples, the gender imbalance of those attending university. There was an expectation that men and women would behave in stereotypical roles.
i find it shocking when I read posts on a mainly female site that promotes an idea that women expect to be treated in such a stereotypical fashion. It reminds me of the pub bits from Educating Rita. I remember crying at the way Julie Walters (Rita) and her mum, were treated in the pub.
Actually, I think this thread has upset me because it brings back memories of that era, highlighted by the film Educating Rita and other dramas dealing with issues of freedom and social change.

I am far from being his skivvy. I work part time but only because I genuinely love my job and will never give it up. DH generally does all the cooking at the weekends and we have a cleaner.

He keeps the garden tidy and his shirts go to the dry cleaner (he likes an immaculately starched shirt). Yes, we have joint finances and are completely equal when it comes to decision making. Back in the day, it was my investment which first put us on the property ladder.

Despite the above, yes he wouldn't dream of letting me carry heavy bags and he does open doors for me (or any woman).

Or you could read the real reasons proffered by posters on this thread.

Yes which all boil down to being a woman.

how does that work then? when I go to a bar and order drinks my vagina is still there.

Wow! And you manage to order and carry them back all by yourself? Are you some kind of superwoman with man arms?

yes he wouldn't dream of letting me carry heavy bags and he does open doors for me

But wouldn’t you do that for him too? if he was carrying heavy bags wouldn’t you say “here, give me some of those”?

@ILoveMaxiBondi Wow! And you manage to order and carry them back all by yourself? Are you some kind of superwoman with man arms

Yes I do. I can carry 3 pints in my princess like hands. Imagine that. Are you saying that any woman who gets drinks at the bar has 'man' arms? What exactly are man arms? I didn't know only people with 'man' arms were allowed to buy drinks. I'd better stop going up to the bar then.

millythepink yes.
I've been married many years and we both do/help each other wherever possible. Not because we should/have to but because we love and respect each other and want to.