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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think husband could be a bit more husbandly?

488 replies

ilovemycatmorethanyou · 11/05/2019 15:45

This is a little lighthearted so please don’t let’s go all LTB 😂

Name changed as it could be a bit outing.

DH and I went out last night for a meal and drinks with friends, we don’t go out very often, maybe once a month.

When we arrived he bought me a drink and we sat down at the table. We weren’t in a round with anyone and the other girls husbands were going up to the bar to buy their drinks. My glass had been empty for a while so I got up to buy myself a drink, asked if he wanted one but he didn’t.

We have independent finances, always have had.

AIBU to wonder why I’m the only female getting up to buy her own drink? I felt a bit peeved by it.

Am I being a princess?

OP posts:
Walkaround · 12/05/2019 11:04

millythepink - so, what do you do for your dh and do you think it's a fair exchange for what he does for you?

Belenus · 12/05/2019 11:05

Equality is all well and good and politically correct but its not exactly romantic or sexy is it?

Yes, it is. It's incredibly sexy to know that I am respected for who I am and not expected to fit into certain roles or behave in a certain way because I'm a woman. I know my bf honours my decision to say "I'll get this round". He knows I'm not making some fake gesture of pretending I'm happy to pay whilst secretly thinking "Oh I don't want to pay, you should step in here". We're honest with each other and don't play that game.

When you look for a man, you’re not looking for someone who is the same as you. You want something more. Differences are what attract us to the opposite sex. There are certain “dating rituals” that have stood the test of time because some (many)? women like a man who makes them feel more feminine and vice versa. It’s basic human psychology. I don’t want a man who mirrors me as much as possible. I don’t need that to feel equal. You can be different, yet still equal - it’s just a more interesting dynamic and balance. Too much “sameyness” just sucks the air out of life imo.

I'm drawn to my bf because we have very similar political and social values. We have a similar sense of humour. We enjoy many of the same activities and so it's good to socialise together because there will be films, plays, comedians, musicians we both want to see. If I'm upset he'll hold me until the world feels right again. If we're cold we'll share a coat. He might carry more stuff than me because he's physically stronger but we'll help each other out with that.

I'm attracted to him because of who he is, and he to me for the same reason. We're mercifully free of expecting certain behaviour because of certain gender roles. Psychology didn't evolve in a bubble and what might seem like neutral science, involving the masculine and the feminine, is far more permeable to social expectations than you might realise. I don't want someone burdened by the expectations of some frankly rather toxic masculinity and he doesn't want someone who thinks he should be standing at the bar because it's somehow "masculine".

IME men who expect those particular roles don't actually respect me. The respect that is offered is only given if you fit a certain definition. It's not a genuine respect born out of seeing me as an individual and such men feel threatened when I act in a particular way. I'm really glad I've found someone who thinks so differently.

PurpleDaisies · 12/05/2019 11:07

Despite the above, yes he wouldn't dream of letting me carry heavy bags and he does open doors for me (or any woman).

He wouldn’t “let” you? You aren’t capable of making your own decision and he respects that?

Are you unable to carry bags?

Hopoindown31 · 12/05/2019 11:11

Seperate finance = split the bill imho. Getting DH/DP to buy the drinks from joint finances is just a convenience thing I suppose.

BlueCornishPixie · 12/05/2019 11:13

No one has really explained why their DH needs to go the bar for them. Is it you can't talk to the bar tender? Or can't pay for things? You can't stand still? Does your DH need to talk for you all the time?

If we were out and had heavy bags, DP would of course take some from me because I would be struggling. We would share the load. But I don't have any difficulties going to the bar. If we are going through a door together and DP was going through first he would open it for me, but tbf I also open it sometimes for him. He wouldn't run across the room to open the door for me if he saw me coming to a door. That's basically the same comparison. It's not manners, it's weird gender roles.

And going to the bar for their wives is exerting power, they are the big man who buys their little woman drinks. It implies a power imbalance in their relationship. There's an assumption that the man is the more powerful one, and also the more intelligent one when you have the dynamic of a man 'treating his wife like a princess". And you meet these men all the time, it effects us all because these men will also assume that about all women e.g. in the work place. And then I have to deal with their condescending shite.

Do you not find it patronising? I have been on dates like this and by the end i just want to scream I am fucking capable you twat. One of the things I love about my DP is he has always just treated me as an equal, with respect, he treats me like a dear friend. I don't find it particularly respectful to be treated as lesser, I don't find it sexy or romantic.

It reminds me of as a student going on 2for 1 nights in a really grotty club. And my male friend refused to accept drinks bought by a woman, and i remember being really angry with him. So everytime I wanted a drink I drunk two, and ended up really drunk and he had to take me home. Serves him right, wish I'd vommed on his shoes.

BlueCornishPixie · 12/05/2019 11:16

Also I hate men who insist on carrying things for you. If i am struggling I will ask, and fair enough to help but I don't need random men to carry things for me.

I always think a lot of 'chivalry' is the assumption that I am a bit pathetic, and a bit thick.

Ablemaybel · 12/05/2019 11:16

I just don't understand where many posters are coming from with this.
Surely it's not about gender, it's about a couple having a mutual respect for each other.
That means helping each other out wherever/whenever possible to make life a little easier, it's what we do as a couple and it works for us.

MQv2 · 12/05/2019 11:28

I'm with you op and also consider myself a feminist.

I'm perfectly capable of cooking dinner and if I'm on my own or just with the lads then of course I will do so.
But I'm not cooking if my wife or female family member is present, I have standards.

ooooohbetty · 12/05/2019 11:30

@BlueCornishPixie I've explained why my OH does. He doesn't need to to it. I can go to the bar. Sometimes I do go to the bar.

U2HasTheEdge · 12/05/2019 11:32

I prefer DH to go up to the bar. I am short and regularly get bloody missed and swamped.

He's huge. He gets seen. Plus I am lazy.

He drinks quicker than I do so he goes more often, but I do make sure I go for him at some point. I would be pissed off if he never went to the bar for me and I imagine he would feel the same if I never took a turn.

mojitoclock · 12/05/2019 11:33

“Or you could read the real reasons proffered by posters on this thread.

Yes which all boil down to being a woman. “

But Max - this is the whole point! We’re not just talking about good manners in general. We’re talking about gender-specific manners. So yes, it does “boil down to being a woman.” Or it “boils down” to being a man. You keep putting this up as some kind of argument against the point, when in fact, it actually is the point.

So no, I would not want my DH to make a distinction in the way he wouid treat me (or other women) as opposed to how he would treat men. Nor do I want to relate to men in exactly the same way as I do women - not all the time and not in all scenarios.

I can see why some women would be uncomfortable with that because it triggers feelings of inequality for them and that’s fine. We are all free to gravitate towards people who meet our individual preferences and needs. Each to their own. We all draw the line somewhere, it’s complex and it’s personal.

BlueCornishPixie · 12/05/2019 11:35

ooooohbetty so if you both go to the bar, then you don't expect him to go to the bar? So you aren't like the OP.

Belenus · 12/05/2019 11:38

And then I have to deal with their condescending shite.

Oh good grief, that. The time in an office when some computers needed to be moved was interesting. One conversation went something like:

John: I'll move your computer for you later Bel.
Me: I've done it
John: Pardon? Have you? How?
Me: I unplugged it, moved it, and plugged it back in again.
John: Is it working?
Me: Yes. Would you like some help moving your computer
John: Sorry. It's just that all the other women expect me to move computers around when it needs doing.

He had the grace to be sorry and in his case he wasn't a bad bloke and didn't mean to be off with me. But every other woman I worked with for some reason thought moving a monitor and a tower and the plugging them in again was some weird voodoo shit that was only possible if you were a man.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 12/05/2019 11:52

I didn't know only people with 'man' arms were allowed to buy drinks.

Yes you did. It’s the premise of the thread. Wink

ooooohbetty · 12/05/2019 11:53

@BlueCornishPixie but I go to the bar when I'm out with friends. When I'm with my OH he goes to the bar for reasons explained earlier. But if I wanted to go to the bar when with him I could. If I wanted to. Can't be arsed to be honest. A bit like having to explain things over and over again in this thread that the OP wanted to be 'lighthearted' Smile

ILoveMaxiBondi · 12/05/2019 12:00

this is the whole point! We’re not just talking about good manners in general. We’re talking about gender-specific manners. So yes, it does “boil down to being a woman.” Or it “boils down” to being a man. You keep putting this up as some kind of argument against the point, when in fact, it actually is the point.

When it comes to going to the bar, you really are scraping the barrel to try and argue that requires “gender specific manners”. Come on now.

Original poster
ilovemycatmorethanyou · 12/05/2019 12:00

I haven’t read everything as it’s getting silly, but I’ll just point out again that I am perfectly capable of buying and getting my own drinks. I did go to the bar as my original post said, I just thought it would be nice if DH did it?? It’s not about feminism or incapability, it’s about my husband doing something nice for his wife.

OP posts:
ILoveMaxiBondi · 12/05/2019 12:05

but I go to the bar when I'm out with friends. When I'm with my OH he goes to the bar for reasons explained earlier. But if I wanted to go to the bar when with him I could. If I wanted to. Can't be arsed to be honest.

So when you go out with your friends I expect you can’t be arsed to go sometimes too, but you still go. What’s different with your OH that you feel you can get away with not being arsed? It’s probably the fact he is your DP rather than the fact he is Male. In which case it’s nothing like the OPs situation. Unless you genuinely do think it’s the males job to get the drinks if he is there?

ILoveMaxiBondi · 12/05/2019 12:07

It’s not about feminism or incapability, it’s about my husband doing something nice for his wife.

Nah it was about you seeing all the other women being served and feeling hard done by that your DH didn’t jump to attention when your glass was empty.

BlueCornishPixie · 12/05/2019 12:35

ooooohbetty so it's just you being a bit lazy? Which is fine, if your DH is willing, but it's not really a reason OPs DH has to go to the bar for her. Its not a reason men shpuld go to the bar for women, its just you are a bit lazy so your DH does things for you. Maybe the DH couldn't be arsed that day because he was feeling lazy.

And presumably if your DH coudlnt be arsed you would go for him. Or would you both sit there because neither of you wanted to go.

CostanzaG · 12/05/2019 12:46

'gender specific manners' ....do you seriously think that is acceptable??

That's one of the most ridiculous things I've read.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 12/05/2019 12:55

I'm sure leaping on the OP and any other poster you feel like makes you feel all relevant and important, MaxiBond but you're ignoring what the OP is actually telling you and it's exactly the same point that you've just made.

Why are you hectoring? I don't really care what your answer is because I just think you should stop it but you might like to think about why you need to do it.

ssd · 12/05/2019 12:59

Fully paid up feminists don't act like princesses

ssd · 12/05/2019 12:59

That was to slattern as above

ILoveMaxiBondi · 12/05/2019 13:00

Grin umm. Ok.

Not sure if I’m being invited to answer or forbidden to answer.

I’ll answer anyway. This is a discussion thread, someone posts, people respond. That’s how it works. The comments aren’t always what people agree with but that’s the nature of a public forum. It’s not hectoring to address the points people have made.