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AIBU?

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Original poster

MIL & my baby DS.. thoughts?

229 replies

incogneto · 11/05/2019 13:54

MIL comes to visit DS every 2-3 days. He's 11 days old today.

At first I had no problems with her visiting a lot. I had a EMCS and wasn't feeling great at all for the first week or so and was knackered and she helped out a lot.

Its not the visiting that annoys me so much, it's the fact that she keeps hold of him for the few hours that she's here. She wants to feed him, change him, wind him and I actually have to ask to have my baby back!

If any other family members pick him up she wants him back less than 5 minutes later. It's as though she's extremely jealous of anyone else having him.

She also told me she wakes up during the early hours of the morning to look at pictures of him because she misses him Confused

What to think of this?

OP posts:
TriciaH87 · 12/05/2019 22:52

Just an idea but why not if baby is sleeping set up baby monitor and put baby upstairs. Say your getting into the routine of sleeping where he should so he does not get used to only sleeping on you as it can be hard to break later. Even if you only do it when she's over. This way she won't be able to hold onto him for hours might cut her visits down as if his sleeping don't let her disturb him by going in to the room. Guessing she misses having a baby and wishes she had had more. Waking to look at pics is a bit overkill mind you.

Teddybear45 · 12/05/2019 22:56

Bottom line is that the mil helped. And the mother is emotionally blackmailing Op - a good mother would understand that the mil is helping her daughter when she can’t and keep quiet. Not make things worse. It has only been 11 days and mil has only visited every 3 days - your mum could have easily come around the days mil wasn’t there. She chose not to do that.

BertrandRussell · 12/05/2019 22:58

“Some grandparents are vile too.”

Absolutely. But there is no evidence this one is.

BertrandRussell · 12/05/2019 23:00

So in order to stop the grandmother holding the baby you arrange it so that nobody does? Bizarre!

shelbeee · 12/05/2019 23:05

At 11 days old your baby needs to be with you, it’s mum. He still thinks he is part of you. I don’t get the obsession with holding other people’s newborn babies. When I meet friend’s baby for the first time I might have a brief cuddle but then I’d give them back to mum.

I actually posted on here when my DD was born about her being passed around by MIL and family (slightly different I know) but it really upset me and contributed to the onset of post natal anxiety. If you want your baby back, take him back. Flowers

Prettypetal85 · 12/05/2019 23:10

When my newborn was a few days old my health visitor asked what support I had and I mentioned that my parents and PIL visited quite regularly. The health vision said fine, but make sure the baby doesn’t spend lots of time being held by anyone who isn’t you or your husband, because the baby needs to be held by you two primarily.

Could you say that you’ve had similar advice so it makes it easier to take the baby back when you feel MIL had had the baby too long?

Ceebs85 · 12/05/2019 23:11

4th trimester.

You have to put your foot down. Baby needs you, your touch, your heartbeat
This is time you'll never get back.

BertrandRussell · 12/05/2019 23:20

“The health vision said fine, but make sure the baby doesn’t spend lots of time being held by anyone who isn’t you or your husband, because the baby needs to be held by you two primarily”
I’d like to see some evidence- but crap for mothers who are ill, or have other children so they can’t sit holding a baby all day!
And anyway- a couple of hours in the arms of a loving granny is hardly going to interfere with bonding..

Stormy76 · 13/05/2019 00:18

I think Grumpysprout is spot on. I would get her a gift for all the help, She is clearly in love with the baby and having spoken to many grandparents she is not weird innthe slightest....... any else a little over excited. Of course she can’t have the baby overnight yet but believe me in time you will be grateful for all the support. Remember your hormones are going wild at the moment so while it’s natural for you to be territorial about your baby, she isn’t being nasty she just wants to hold her grandchild. I can understand why she is up crying over pictures etc, it’s not just your life that has changed, hers has as well and it’s clear that she has been waiting for this for a while. Becoming a grandparent is a new phase of life, it’s exiting and exhilarating, she is just very proud of your beautiful baby and wants to share her joy. It might be the time to start setting up a routine and say please only visit after a certain time like 2 pm etc, no picking up when asleep. Remember they were there helping out when you needed it so be kind in helping them to give you a bit of space.

LilQueenie · 13/05/2019 01:03

You need to put in some rules now. My mother visiting once a week broke the bond with me and dd. I thought i was going crazy. I thought I didn't love her because I wasn't as besotted as my mother. It was absolute hell. Please limit her time just now as you need this time to bond. I was warned early on on this forum but I could not get my head around my own mother doing that. EVERYONE soon realised what was happening and it cost her her relationship with both myself and her now ex-partner of 20 odd years. Nothing was more important to her than getting HER time with dd to the detriment of everyone else around her.

StreetDreams · 13/05/2019 01:34

“she wants him overnight? is she crackers“

She asked and was told no. There is no suggestion she was going in about it.

Oh, come on, Bertrand, nobody in their right mind would think that asking to have someone else's newborn baby overnight was in any way normal or acceptable.

YesimstillwatchingNetflix · 13/05/2019 02:36

I think the answer is that there is no universal hard and fast rule about baby holding. Some people would be grateful to have their hands free, for other people it's undermining a crucial bonding time.

The only answer OP is: what do you feel comfortable with? Your needs, your instincts, your values are what should drive your parenting decisions.

If you're finding MIL too much, if she is taking time that you want with your baby - then you have EVERY right to call time on it, regardless of what MIL or DH or strangers on the internet think.

I received really good advice on this forum when I was a new mum- you're going to have to have a lot of awkward conversations on your child's behalf. It's good to get in the habit of it now.

People here have had great suggestions for kindly putting some boundaries in place with MIL, work out which would suit YOU. And then back yourself to do it.

IAteTheLastOne · 13/05/2019 05:47

I had a similar experience with my MIL. I think it was more annoying because we hardly saw her before the baby! We’d be booked in 6 weeks in advance because of her husbands shifts or this that and the other. Now I have to send daily photos, and see her at least twice a week. And now she’s pushing for a yearly holiday with her and her knobby husband, (Not DPs dad). I’ve told DP I really don’t want to go on holiday with them but we go on holiday with my folks every year-and have done since BEFORE the baby!! And he thinks it’s only fair, despite not really enjoying the last time we went away with them. Phew, rant over!

CodenameVillanelle · 13/05/2019 06:07

She asked and was told no. There is no suggestion she was going in about it.

It's bloody ridiculous that she asked and it's pretty indicative of a person with very poor boundaries and little respect for the woman who has just had a baby. The way you're posting as if it's a completely normal thing to ask feels like gaslighting to be honest. It's not.

Katyy · 13/05/2019 06:35

She's taking liberty's incognito.We are a close family, but when are grandsons were born, we waited until we were invited to their house, even though we couldn't wait and we're so excited.While we were there we waited until dil asked if we wanted to hold them, I was always aware dil wasn't too comfortable away from the baby, so offered them back after 15 mins.This seemed to work well, and she seemed to relax.We never stayed more than an hour once a week.Of course we would love to see them more often, but we accept what we're offered, we have them overnight every few weeks, and occasional days out.This is what works for them, they both work, so don't have much time.Think about the future, are you always going to be happy with so many visits, when your up and about, you probably won't have time, especially if your going to work.Then its going to be hard for mil she'll have to get used to it, so might be better starting now.Congratulations to you Flowers

NCbilliontimes · 13/05/2019 07:15

I think it is unhealthy to be so obsessed with your baby that you just seemingly want to spend hours on end sitting cuddling him/her. So much so that when someone else wants a cuddle, you feel threatened, stressed and all the other emotive words always trotted out on this, sort of discussion.

Christ, you’re as batshit as the MIL.

It’s mothers instinct, we’re supposed to do that! If you go near a wild animal with a baby they’ll attack you, no matter how friendly you might think you are. Your brain is wired to keep your baby close so you can protect them, it keeps your milk flowing and settles the baby. Separation from your baby can cause PND and make you unable to breastfeed. It’s not a case of being antisocial. In case you hadn’t realised, babies are small humans, not bloody dolls and when they’re that young they belong with their mum.

MariaNovella · 13/05/2019 07:26

And anyway- a couple of hours in the arms of a loving granny is hardly going to interfere with bonding.

If it stresses the mother to hand her baby over, this can interfere with breastfeeding.

GinUnicorn · 13/05/2019 07:35

Honestly OP as loving as she is you need to set boundaries. If she is a reasonable person she might be a little disappointed but she will want what is best for you and the baby. Happy mother happy baby.

I’d suggest pre arrange visits only. Personally any more than once a week would have been too much for me but we are all different so whatever works for you.

Good luck. You can do this and it sounds like her heart is in the right place she’s just gotten a bit overexcited.

kateandme · 13/05/2019 09:12

say your just trying to come up with a routine at them moment or even that yo uwant to work on your bonding.
or even no my mums coming on that day

Lilymossflower · 13/05/2019 11:26

Please set your boundaries asap.
She is trying to claim your baby as her own by holding him all the time, so he bonds with her instead of you.
Be firm , even if she gets offended. I mean she is the one being rude so your in your rights to come across as rude if it sets your boundaries.

ScatteredMama82 · 13/05/2019 11:33

We're not close to my MIL, but she did come to stay after DS1 was born. I think she stayed for a few days, I can't remember exactly but what I do remember was her wandering into my bedroom while I was feeding DS without even knocking. She didn't get the hint that I felt the need to go and hide in my bedroom to breastfeed in my own house! Anyway, she went home on the Friday when DS got home from work and said she'd be back on the Monday. I made DH ring her as soon as she was home and say that I wanted to get into a routine and have some time to myself once he finished his paternity leave. She was a bit miffed but so what.

BertrandRussell · 13/05/2019 11:34

“She is trying to claim your baby as her own by holding him all the time, so he bonds with her instead of you.“
Oh bollocks! It’s a couple of hours every 3 days! If the OP wants to hold her baby then she should just take him back, but stop attributing pathology where none (on the evidence provided) exists.

Mummaofmytribe · 13/05/2019 11:43

Oh gawd you need to stand up for yourself and start as you mean to go on. She has newgrandmaitis.
I know this as I'm a fellow sufferer 😳
I have little GC. Was quite excited during the pregnancies but did NOT expect for one second to fall in love with them the way I did. It's ridiculous. Adored them from day 1. Never, ever thought I'd feel so strongly!
I would've quite happily sat sniffing their little baby smell all day.
However I was aware that this new Fruitcake aspect of my character needed to be kept under wraps from DDs/DIL. They would've thought I was bat shit crazy.
So I kept visits to sensible lengths. Went away and silently jumped for joy each time I was asked over. I started babysitting occasionally when I was ASKED and now they are terrible toddlers I find I'm asked more often Grin
I absolutely would never have put my GC mums in the position of having to ask for their own baby back!! Us Grandmas who get the besottedness badly really do need to keep a lid on it.

feistymumma · 13/05/2019 11:46

@cathf I am with you, that is time you could have some down time OP and sleep, relax etc knowing MIL is taking care of DS. She probably thinks she is helping you out, I agree that turning up so frequently can be irritating but perhaps the cuddling thing isn't so much a big deal.

feistymumma · 13/05/2019 12:00

If you can apply the same rules to your own mother as in if she had done the same you would say she was imposing and crossing boundaries then fair enough. However, in most of these cases these 'rules' are usually very one sided and apply to in-laws only which isn't fair for the OH/DH as that is his family too.

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