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Original poster

MIL & my baby DS.. thoughts?

229 replies

incogneto · 11/05/2019 13:54

MIL comes to visit DS every 2-3 days. He's 11 days old today.

At first I had no problems with her visiting a lot. I had a EMCS and wasn't feeling great at all for the first week or so and was knackered and she helped out a lot.

Its not the visiting that annoys me so much, it's the fact that she keeps hold of him for the few hours that she's here. She wants to feed him, change him, wind him and I actually have to ask to have my baby back!

If any other family members pick him up she wants him back less than 5 minutes later. It's as though she's extremely jealous of anyone else having him.

She also told me she wakes up during the early hours of the morning to look at pictures of him because she misses him Confused

What to think of this?

OP posts:
Michelleoftheresistance · 13/05/2019 12:05

OP has mentioned that her own DM feels she isn't getting a look in as MiL is dominating. And OP is clearly unhappy and stressed with the way things are. Which is not good for her or the baby, and that alone means things need to change no matter what objective viewpoints strangers have on it.

However it looks like OP isn't coming back.

BertrandRussell · 13/05/2019 12:12

Actually, if I had to pick a pain in the neck on here it would be the OP’s mum. Mil turned up and helped when required. 4v visits in 11 days. Her mum just complains about being letting out.

Cobblersandhogwash · 13/05/2019 12:13

I had this with my mil. She was so overbearing and possessive and obsessed with photos of ds1.

It drove me round the twist. She was very critical of breast feeding too. Not supportive at all.

At least your mil has helped out.

However, it's a bit much and unnerving really.

I think you should reduce visits to 1 time per week for two hours max at a time. That's plenty. Otherwise she'll try to make your ds the focus of her life and will not engage in anything else.

She has her own life to be getting on with.

SilenceMeansWhatAreTheyUpTo · 13/05/2019 12:50

So far most of the contributors to this thread seem to have parents and in-laws who live close enough to simply "call-in" - but what happens if the grandparents live some distance away, and the only way they can provide practical help is to actually stay at the house? Or should they book into a local B&B? DH and I had absolutely NO family support when our DCs were born as both my parents were dead and his were very elderly by that stage and lived hundreds of miles away. There were times during those early days, especially when DH had just gone back to work, when I was simply crying out for someone to come and stay for a few days just to help for a bit so I could catch up on sleep. How I envied my friends who could just pick up the phone whenever they needed a break! I have always told my children that I want to be there for them in a way that my parents couldn't be for me, and of course I would only do this if invited, but as we all live so far apart this would inevitably involve staying over - again, only if that's what is wanted. I obviously agree that the OP's MIL is being a bit overbearing, but I suppose my experience of those early days was just very different. The other extreme, I suppose. I did enjoy that early time with each of my four DCs, at least I think I did, but it seems to have gone by in a blur of utter exhaustion! Hmm

Dandelion1993 · 13/05/2019 12:58

@silence then thing is when people live near enough to call in, they don't tend to think about the impact it had.

My Mil lives close to use and when my eldest was younger, would just constantly be here and say "well you're just down the road".

Whether the grandparent lives 5 mins away of 5 hours away they need to respect parent boundaries.

rushmess · 13/05/2019 14:32

Post pregnancy I had a lot of help from my mum and my in laws for looking after the baby which gave me a lot of free time for rest and recovery both physically and mentally. I always looked at it as a blessing.
My daughter is a teenager but still has a strong bond with her grandparents.

Laiste · 13/05/2019 15:01

Helping is only helping if it's wanted. Keeping on and on telling a person who feels they are being railroaded that in fact they are being helped is unkind and unpleasant. Many people do it out of habit all the time to push their own agenda.

At this point when the baby is so new others should be taking their que from the mother and realise that the best thing they can do for the baby when it's less than a month old is to help support that important first stage of the relationship between mother and baby - not just come round and do everything they can to facilitate their own wishes.

BertrandRussell · 13/05/2019 15:06

“Keeping on and on telling a person who feels they are being railroaded that in fact they are being helped is unkind and unpleasant”

Agreed. Where does it say this applies in this case?

Laiste · 13/05/2019 16:23

Lots of posters answers are framed around their opinion that the OP is wrong and that MIL is simply being helpful.

Dee2B · 13/05/2019 18:00

Whenever she's with the baby sit next to her and baby talk to your baby and try to make the baby laugh lol Grin..and if MIL takes her to a separate room join them! After all, nobody can stop you from having your quality time with your baby.

BertrandRussell · 13/05/2019 18:22

“Whenever she's with the baby sit next to her and baby talk to your baby and try to make the baby laugh loL”

Or, instead of playing juvenile power games, you could go and have a shower, followed by a hot cup of tea and a meal you can eat with two hands and read a book. Then go back in, say thank you so much for that and take the baby back

Original poster
incogneto · 13/05/2019 19:24

Sorry all been really busy with DS since I started this thread.

MIL last visited Saturday for 3 hours. We also saw her Friday.

She messaged me again asking if she could come today, I said no I need to get used to be alone with baby as my partner has gone back to work today.

She said she definitely wants to see DS tomorrow.. i said I will her know what our plans are first.

OP posts:
Alsohuman · 13/05/2019 19:32

That would be far too sensible @Bertrand.

CW1976 · 13/05/2019 19:38

OP you are the priority, as what's good for you is good for baby.

Hopefully your Mil is just giddy with excitement. But if you are uncomfortable with it then she is overstepping the boundaries.

Do what makes you happy. If you are happy for her to have a short cuddle fine. But the minute you want your baby or he needs you bring him back.

You need to to feel secure and supported at this time.

Anyone who comes into your house should be asking what they can do to help. And that should be anything to help You.

If you continue to feel uncomfortable and you are not able for whatever reason to tackle your Mil, then maybe DP should help as its his Mum.

Enjoy your baby!

woolduvet · 13/05/2019 19:41

She definitely wants to see ds.

That's quite rude really, her needs and wants come after yours and your babies. Tell her when you'll see her next.

boatymcboatname · 13/05/2019 19:43

Don't let her see ds tomorrow. She needs to calm down

BertrandRussell · 13/05/2019 19:46

Sounds like you’re managing it perfectly, OP. If you feel up to it, maybe suggest a walk in the sunshine tomorrow. Just to mix things up a bit and for you to get out of the house with someone to give you a hand if you need it?

Nanny0gg · 13/05/2019 19:53

She said she definitely wants to see DS tomorrow.. i said I will her know what our plans are first

Hope she listens.

But counter that with a firm date = love to see you Saturday morning (or whatever). Preferably when your DH is there too.
But if you give her times it heads off her making the decisions.

PanamaPattie · 13/05/2019 19:55

Tell her she can see DS when YOU decide. Or tell her every time she demands to see him, you’ll make her wait another day!

GummyGoddess · 13/05/2019 20:12

My MIL did this with both of my DC. Nipped in the bud fairly early though as I didn't want to start resenting her. With DC2 DH asked for him back as he had pooped and needed a change and ended up asking about 3 times before she finally gave him back (couldn't wait, he pooped about 20 times a day at that point and leaving him in it caused a rash).

Unfortunately the results of both PIL overstepping boundaries is that the are around less. They were coming over once a week which was fine. The constant undermining of me and actual rolled eyes when I asked them not to do something just ruined it. We were never close before children and both DH and I felt resentful that suddenly we were expected to have them over every single week instead of every few months as previously. Made us both feel unwanted, especially when MIL came with FIL and at the end of the visit said it was nice to see DH but she had literally not said a single word to him, even to say hello.

By contrast, my DM visiting frequency stayed the same and she always engaged me and DH in conversation.

My advice would be to ease into a routine and lengthen the time between visits until it's once a week to avoid resentment setting in, perhaps also with a feeding/nap schedule to coincide with the end of MIL's visit so that you know when you will get your baby back. I would also set up a family Whatsapp for photos of DC. That definitely made my MIL feel more included and then less pushy.

I think both my DM and MIL are sore that I have never asked for help. I just haven't wanted it, I have no desire for them to come over and hold the DC while I nap/read/eat. I would find it stressful to have someone else (even my DM) in my house and wouldn't relax and enjoy anything or be able to sleep. In hindsight perhaps I could have invented something for them to help with when they were over, like hold DC while I put some washing on or something.

cakeandchampagne · 13/05/2019 20:35

Your baby wasn’t born to fulfill some fantasy for mil!

You decide when she visits- and that doesn’t mean she holds the baby the whole time or gets to do things you don’t want.

If she needs more physical contact with babies, maybe she can volunteer at a care center of some sort or hospital.

acowmooooo · 13/05/2019 20:46

She can "want" to see him everyday but it doesn't mean she gets to. I'd personally say no to her demands for tomorrow to reaffirm that I make the decisions about my day to day plans with my dc. But I would offer an alternative date so that she doesn't get worked up about it and hopefully she'll also get off your back.

Alsohuman · 13/05/2019 21:14

@cake, she doesn’t want to hold some random baby, she wants to hold her grandchild. Why is that such an alien concept?

AngeloMysterioso · 13/05/2019 21:25

She said she definitely wants to see DS tomorrow.

Tough shit!

BertrandRussell · 13/05/2019 21:29

“Your baby wasn’t born to fulfill some fantasy for mil!”

Well no. But he was born to be her grandson!

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