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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband Business trip Bangkok

273 replies

fred74 · 10/05/2019 12:27

My husband has insisted he needed to go on a work trip to Bangkok. From find my iPhone app I have found out he spent the first night in a go-go dancer/sex club. He left for a short period of time with drew £500 and returned. We have been married for 18 years and I feel absolutely disgusted by this. I am considering hiring a private detective to see what he gets up to. Any advice/thoughts greatly appreciated.

OP posts:

stucknoue · 10/05/2019 13:46

Whilst it looks very suspicious, if he's on business it may be where his contacts chose to socialise and it was cash only. I would suggest monitoring him, does he know you can track him?

Fraxion · 10/05/2019 13:49

Does Find My iPhone pinpoint an exact address? I've never used it so not sure of the accuracy.

jacks11 · 10/05/2019 13:57

Well OP- you have reason to be very suspicious, but you don't yet know that he spent the full £500 in the club. He may well have done, or he may just have withdrawn cash at that time (and spent some of it in the bar). When abroad I have been known to withdraw larger sums as with some cards you can be charged per withdrawal so it makes sense to do it all at once. I am not saying that is the case, or even the most likely- but certainly possible. I think you should just ask him- tell him what you know and ask for an explanation, even proof that he spent the £500 on something else.

jacks11 · 10/05/2019 13:57

Also worth finding out if the Find My iPhone is 100% accurate (I imagine it is pretty accurate but would be good to know for sure).

aposterhasnoname · 10/05/2019 13:58

Does Find My iPhone pinpoint an exact address? I've never used it so not sure of the accuracy.

It ways shows an address, but that often isn’t accurate. Right now, according to find my friends, my husband is two streets away at a random house. However, unless he’s had an extremely lifelike waxwork made, he’s actually sitting about three feet from me.

Jaimemai · 10/05/2019 13:59

I have been to Bangkok on holiday, and I said to my friends when I came home: if you go to Bangkok you would never trust a man again. I think everyone cheat. Any man I talked to in Bangkok in passing or at a traveller meetup was married and was going off with various women and also with various MEN. Ladyboys. I think everyone cheats. I am not saying it is right. But I am starting to think that monogamy is unnatural and is too much pressure on people.

PugPupsMum · 10/05/2019 14:00

OP, you don’t need evidence. It’s clear what’s gone on here. If the £500 was for something else (ie drinks) he wouldn’t have gone to the trouble of leaving to get out cash - he’d have just paid on card.

I also think, whilst you think you want “proof”, you would find photographic or video evidence REALLY hard to see, and that would be devastating.

If I were you I would accept that there is a massive lack of trust, telling signs that he has been unfaithful and that’s enough to end the marriage.

Cut your losses now. Don’t go rooting for more. You won’t like what you find.

Jaxhog · 10/05/2019 14:00

Let him know that you know. That might be enough to stop him if it WAS just a bad choice of viewing.

When he comes back, insist he has a full sexual checkup at a clinic. Even if he swears blind nothing happened.

Personally, I could forgive a 'viewing' (once) but not actual physical contact.

jacks11 · 10/05/2019 14:03

I would also say OP that (from experience) it IS possible to spend quite a lot of money in Bangkok on meals/drinks if you are going somewhere very nice (so assuming he did not spend all night in the same club).

If he doesn't draw any more cash out then it would look less likely that he spent it all on in one night in that strip bar.

I really do think you should speak to him about it though- at the moment you have reason to be suspicious but no proof of wrong doing. Unless you are actually looking for an excuse to leave a marriage you are genuinely unhappy in, I think you should speak to him.

hellsbellsmelons · 10/05/2019 14:08

If you think you can get someone to get pics and follow him etc.... and you need that evidence, then I suggest you do it.
I totally understand the need for 'proper proof'
Bangkok is cheap as chips for drinks.

purplepears · 10/05/2019 14:12

£500 in Bangkok is a massive amount of money.

Justaboy · 10/05/2019 14:16

Well for many years I've worked by myself and for myself but in some work circles going out with the rest of the "lads" is the way it is like it or not. Its a seemingley tribal sort of thing and and declining to go out isnt showing team spirt it and or unity.

However if he wanted to play away have some sex on the side I do think he could do that without raising so much suspiction!.

Which makes me think he's not misbehaving or is incredibaly stupid!

kalopali · 10/05/2019 14:17

Reminds me of this

“One night in Bangkok and the world's your oyster
The bars are temples but the pearls ain't free
You'll find a god in every golden cloister
And if you're lucky then the god's a she”

OutInTheCountry · 10/05/2019 14:19

What sort of work trip is it? Is it the sort of thing where he's the client so they might take him out and sort of show him a good time, or is he trying to get clients or something else. Do you think this was just an excuse for a jolly on his own or is there a legitimate reason for the trip?

Justaboy · 10/05/2019 14:19

£500 in Bangkok is a massive amount of money.

Maybe maybe not, there are airbnb's and 5 star hotlels most everywhere a very wide price range, my mate who goes there gives me the impression that anywhere "nice" costs!.

Fraxion · 10/05/2019 14:21

I decided to check my iPad location (currently sitting on my knee) and it gave a location of half a mile away!

Not sure I'm convinced by this post. OP hasn't said how long or what the alleged business is in Bangkok. Not to mention it surely is not that easy just to get a private detective stat in a different country. Plus basing suspicions purely on FMI is a bit strange.

midsomermurderess · 10/05/2019 14:38

£500 is a heck of a lot of money in Thai bhat.

jameswong · 10/05/2019 14:57

Man who has visited BKK multiple times (always with my wife) checking in.

It doesn't look great. And he has some explaining to do. But I agree with your sister. Continue to monitor. As other posters have said, the amount is so high that it almost helps exonerate him, because he wouldn't need as much as that.

Personally, if he has spent an evening, or maybe two, at a girly bar while genuinely on business in Bangkok then it's forgivable IMO. I understand your need for additional evidence. Continue to monitor. And maybe ring him once or twice when he isn't expecting it. Could you contact his work and claim there is a minor family emergency and you need the contact details of his hotel? That would confirm one way or another if it's a real trip.

skybluee · 10/05/2019 15:00

I would hire the detective like you say.

You said you need proof and you said you need no doubt in your mind.

If you can afford it, get that.

But when you say about photographic evidence what exactly do you mean? Because do you mean evidence of him doing things in clubs ie touching a dancer or something like that. You said if he's just sitting there you can get over that. So do you mean proof of for example him leaving with a woman. If this is what will help you, then yes, by all means hire the detective.

Confusedbeetle · 10/05/2019 15:03

Just don't waste your money on a dectective. He may have a spell of doing nothing. You know what he has done and so does he. He will deny it

Whisky2014 · 10/05/2019 15:05

I wouldn't hire a detective. I'm clever enough to know what he's been up to, it's glaringly obvious.
I wouldn't do anything until he was back and then ask him face to face but I'd already know the truth

You know your limits op, it's not for any of us to say.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 10/05/2019 15:06

I decided to check my iPad location (currently sitting on my knee) and it gave a location of half a mile away!

it depends on a lot of factors. Right now mine is accurate to within 0.2 of a mile, but it has been 10 miles out before. It's a matter of phone settings; phone model, GPS strength, location...

Fraxion · 10/05/2019 15:15

Could you contact his work and claim there is a minor family emergency and you need the contact details of his hotel? That would confirm one way or another if it's a real trip.

Any decent person would give their husband/wife details of their trip including hotel. She shouldn't have to fabricate a story to find this out.

RottnestFerry · 10/05/2019 15:18

Apparently, mine is on the pavement outside. Not bad.

skybluee · 10/05/2019 15:18

PS I am really sorry :( it sounds horrible.
I'm the last one to defend stuff like this but all we know so far is he withdrew £500 all in one go (when sex is £20-£30) to maybe avoid extra charges so is it possible that he is showing off to friends or business people given he hasn't been away for a long time or something like that. Good luck and I very much hope you find good news.

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