Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Husband Business trip Bangkok

273 replies

fred74 · 10/05/2019 12:27

My husband has insisted he needed to go on a work trip to Bangkok. From find my iPhone app I have found out he spent the first night in a go-go dancer/sex club. He left for a short period of time with drew £500 and returned. We have been married for 18 years and I feel absolutely disgusted by this. I am considering hiring a private detective to see what he gets up to. Any advice/thoughts greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
Aragog · 10/05/2019 19:51

Our phones are really accurate on the whole. Just tried it now and it has every device we own at our house - 3 phones, 2 watches, 3 iPads, Mac and MacBook. On the whole ours do seem fairly accurate, so long as there is wifi or decent mobile data (4G) around.

flyingspaghettimonster · 10/05/2019 19:53

I've been with my husband 20 years and if ye withdrew $500 on a business trip I would assume the atm had a daily limit of $500 and that he was avoiding multiple charges by withdrawing it in one go for the trip. But then $500 is a lot to us, so I know he wouldn't throw that away on sex workers. I highly doubt you would need $500 to buy even kinky sex over there.

I would wait till he called or came home and ask why he was at the sex club, if he actually was. And go from there. Sadly 8t is about the length of time a lot of marriages run before the man has a mid life crisis and screws things up... I hope it isn't as bad as you think.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 10/05/2019 20:08

If you have the means to get a detective, I'd do it

If this DH was back home in the UK I could just about get this ... but in Bangkok of all places??

I'd have thought a random P.I. who caught him out would be just as likely to keep OP's money, then try to cut a deal with the DH to create a more palatable report

Justaboy · 10/05/2019 20:09

I hope it isn't as bad as you think. Yes he could have done a runner with a ladyboy and won't be coming home!

In all seriousness TALK to him when he comes back and examine your marridge and then see what you BOTH want to do rather then having dectives running around after him which i suspect like most all "consultants" will tell you what you want to hear!

reytmardy · 10/05/2019 20:27

Protect your health. I would want to ask openly of anything did happen, for fear of STI's

MRex · 10/05/2019 20:52

I remember some pool hustlers doing a roaring trade with idiot drunks, the bet doubled every time the idiot "won" until.... Whopps. Ah well, the hustler just took it by fluke. Double again for the next game? I saw men lose more than £500 very quickly.

You don't know if he's spent the money, nor if he's even been to a strip club. I think you're suspicious for another reason, if you declare it then maybe it makes this all too real. If this was your only evidence then - well, he's your husband so ask him, surely you know what he's like when he lies?

justasking111 · 10/05/2019 20:56

Was he with a work party and paying for everything that night? Business expenses to be claimed back.

Fraxion · 10/05/2019 21:22

If this DH was back home in the UK I could just about get this ... but in Bangkok of all places??

Agree. You can just imagine the husband checking the online banking and seeing a few hundred quid going out and wondering what the hell his wife is up to.

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 10/05/2019 21:23

Heh. I just tried find my iphone and apparently Im across the road a few doors down.

Kisskiss · 10/05/2019 21:55

Given the cost of food /drink/ services in Bangkok, i actually think the 500 quid doesn’t signal prostitute, unless you think he’s paying for 5 at once. It’s a very different world out there, costwise. I’ve actuallg been to quite a few of those bars and yes there’s local girls sat with tourists and lots of scantily clad girls sort of dancing around poles, but there’s also groups of men and women customers sat in the bars, this may not be as bad as you think.
Tbh when I read £500 I immediately thought substances, not girls

QueenofmyPrinces · 10/05/2019 22:09

An iPhone in Bangkok can be traced from the UK to being located in a specific bar?

And how do you know he was there, withdrew money and then went back in?

Were you tracking him which located him in the bar, then it tracked him going to a cash point and then tracked him going back to the bar?

I’m assuming you didn’t know about the cash withdrawal until you looked at your online banking? What made you check? Was it because the iPhone tracker said he’d gone to a cash point?

Sorry for all the questions - I’m just trying to make sense of the logistics of your discovery.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 10/05/2019 22:19

An iPhone in Bangkok can be traced from the UK to being located in a specific bar?

I doubt it very much, not least because the Bangkok joints are rarely in totally separate, fancy buildings. Many of them - especially the seedy sex places - are piled around and on top of each other (possibly a hint on how they expect their clients to be? Wink)

PPs have also said the tracking's chaos over there, so it all sounds a bit of a non-starter really

chaoscategorised · 10/05/2019 22:27

I spent £500, not with flights, on a 2 week holiday in Thailand. That included (2-star, if that) accommodation, all food, drink and travel. That's a huge amount of money to be spending on one night - I'd point that out to him innocently and see what he says.

Honeyroar · 10/05/2019 22:35

If he doesn't draw any more money out for the rest of the week, perhaps I'd give him the benefit of the doubt.

I've also known a few people get spiked drinks in Bangkok, and bars in the Patpong area are full of people that would happily help you spend £500 in one way or another.

I love Bangkok, but the seedy side is horrible. I've never seen so many dirty old men sitting in bars with teenagers, and even the airport shop had books on where to find "love" in Bangkok.

Leftielefterson · 10/05/2019 22:36

I don’t think you need categorical evidence, in your heart of heart you know what he’s up to

DianaT1969 · 10/05/2019 22:47

I haven't read the full post, but how does the OP know what time the cash was withdrawn? My online bank doesn't say and there can be hours and even days before transactions show up.
That, on top of find my phone not being accurate enough to pinpoint a particular strip club, makes me doubt the whole thing.

justasking111 · 10/05/2019 23:29

I do wonder if the OP is agitated because he went to Bangkok on business rather than a more salubrious place, so is looking for trouble. We have a couple of friends in import/export who go there and other places on business. Wining/dining is part of the business. You can have a restaurant on one floor, a club on another.

I would not like to think my OH follows me on an app. either that seems weird.

mindutopia · 11/05/2019 07:04

Does your dh work in an industry where a business trip to Bangkok is likely? It’s not really the sort of place most people go for ‘business’. My work would take me there potentially, but if my dh claimed he’d need to go to Bangkok for business it would look really suspect. Also depending on the industry, £500 to entertain clients might be quite realistic. Otherwise it’s an awful lot of money in Thailand even to pay for anything suspect. It’s also quite possible he’s been scammed.

Ihatehashtags · 11/05/2019 07:14

Oh dear op. It doesn’t sound or look good. Hard to know what to do. What is this find my phone thing? Is it for iPhones?

QuilliamCakespeare · 11/05/2019 07:14

Things to consider:

Find my Phone is not 100% accurate.

You have no evidence the money is actually spent.

I've been to Thailand. A 1/2 litre bottle of beer is the equivalent of about 60p. For those saying he could be spending the £500 on 'drinks'. That is an ABSOLUTE shitload of drinks. I lived in Thailand for 3 weeks on less than £500.

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 11/05/2019 07:33

You know he is up to no good as he is behaving out of character

Down to you both to decide is it worth giving up on your relationship it’s unlikely you will find out the whole truth but women with little money don’t hang around men in bars around the world just so they can both enjoy having a drink and a chat together

But do make sure he gets to tested at a clinic before you ever again have sex with him

filka · 11/05/2019 08:10

GPS accuracy depends on how many satellites the phone can see. It's less accurate when there are tall buildings around because the satellites low on the horizon are blocked. When inside a building the phone uses wifi/internet which is even less accurate.

When you look at the location you should see a big circle around it which is the level of accuracy that the GPS thinks it has. If that is bigger than one building, you don't know which one he is in.

Right now my wife and daughter are both at home and on wifi, about 15m apart. But Find My Friends has them at least 50m apart - enough to be next door plus one.

The messages on this thread (from people who seem to know these things) establish that it's not viable to use a PI because the PI can negotiate a bigger fee from DH for hiding what you are paying him to find.

Although the amount does look large enough to be highly suspicious, it doesn't feel to me to meet a "proven beyond reasonable doubt" kind of test which is what you originally sought. There may be a rational explanation that you haven't yet asked for or been given. Sometimes you need to run up some large but legitimate expenses on business trips.

I also don't get that your DH "insisted he needed to go...to Bangkok". That's a very strange turn of phrase. If his employer needs him to go, then it needs him to go. But why does he have to "insist"? Anyway, you don't need to go to Bangkok for prostitutes, there are plenty in the UK if he is that way inclined.

It does just occur to me, is it possible that he is being blackmailed? Maybe you need to look for evidence closer to home, like a home PC, email etc., maybe webcam sites.

But overriding everything I get a sense that your trust level is so low that even if there is a genuinely innocent explanation you are going to struggle to accept it. So it seems that your relationship is shot either way. Sadly life will never be the same.

Fraxion · 11/05/2019 08:22

I've been to Thailand. A 1/2 litre bottle of beer is the equivalent of about 60p. For those saying he could be spending the £500 on 'drinks'. That is an ABSOLUTE shitload of drinks. I lived in Thailand for 3 weeks on less than £500.

It is not a shitload of drinks if you go to a luxury hotel for drinks and/or dinner. You could easily drop 300 or 400 quid on a dinner and drinks for two at the Banyan Tree. Yes you can live like a king on KSR and the like.

Still not buying this story.

Nagaghost · 11/05/2019 08:34

**I've been to Thailand. A 1/2 litre bottle of beer is the equivalent of about 60p.

Not any more. It's about £2 for a small beer in Bangkok and £4 or £5 a drink in Nana Plaza. OP, which Gogo was it showing up as? He could have been in Hooters even if the app was saying Straps, Nana Plaza.

PlatypusPie · 11/05/2019 09:20

Does your dh work in an industry where a business trip to Bangkok is likely? It’s not really the sort of place most people go for ‘business’.

The tourist and ‘leisure’ industry is a part of Thailand’s economy, but there are also major exporting manufacturing, agriculture and service sectors. There’s a normal, respectable, hard working population beyond the tourist trap parts working for big local, pan-Asian and global companies .

My DH did a lot of business travel all over Asia - I saw a live stream of him giving a speech to an international conference in Bangkok on a very technical subject to a large and apparently appreciative audience of local and foreign participants.

Bangkok is not his favourite place by a long mark - nor mine, in the short visits I have made there during other Asia travels, but there are plenty of other travellers there who actively avoid the sleazy parts.