Husband Business trip Bangkok

[fred74]

My husband has insisted he needed to go on a work trip to Bangkok. From find my iPhone app I have found out he spent the first night in a go-go dancer/sex club. He left for a short period of time with drew £500 and returned. We have been married for 18 years and I feel absolutely disgusted by this. I am considering hiring a private detective to see what he gets up to. Any advice/thoughts greatly appreciated.

Of course if you tell a child dad has cheated they will put the other information together. This information affects children especially as she is about to start forging her own relationships with men.

I feel so sorry for the OP

Years ago I had a LTR with a guy who did this and I just had to call it off, as they never really do come back the same, and then they want to go all the time, and sadly if he is that way inclined then you have a dirty rat on your hands no doubt.

Hi everyone,
Thanks to all those who have reported their concerns about this thread through the normal channels, it is much appreciated. You will note, however, that we have left the thread up.

While we can never say 100% that a person is who they say they are, we can take an overview and decide to give the benefit of the doubt.

This thread is now, unfortunately, full of holes because we have removed the troll hunting that has taken place on it. We ask that this guideline-breaking cease, please, and suggest that if people are not inclined to give the same benefit of the doubt as MNHQ they click off the thread.

How completely narcissistic to put that on your kids. Grow up. What goes on between you and your husband is between you. He is their father. You are very wrong to try to manipulate them with sad little tales...
Wrong.
The teenagers are entitled to know the truth, rather than guess and speculate what their father has been up to.
They will soon work it out for themselves anyway, and then resent their mother as well for not being honest with them.

I'm so sorry OP. You must be devastated. At least he chose such a cliched place you thought to check his iphone. What was his explanation?

GladAllOver I disagree.. maybe they didn’t want to know, just because they asked what was wrong doesn’t mean they wanted to know their dad is a cheat... the mother didn’t have to lie, she could of said at most that her and the father were having problems and not gone into more detail.. it’s more likely they will resent her putting that on them.

Why did this man imagine that he could get away with it??
I mean come on Bangkok it's so obvious
Middle-age man paying for sex with teenage girls😔

that is rather a lot of money I would be more thinking it was to pay for his hotel or something. I def wouldn’t be jumping to this assumption

Hi there Seeleyboo,
That's because we consider such comments to be trollhunting.

Quite sad that so many people are shocked that the OP has refused to take any shit and is actually putting her own happiness and well-being first. She doesn't have to mull it over for weeks if she doesn't want to, some people have hard lines that there is no going back from.

I guess it's just expected of women to consider everything properly and take time over it. Nope, not having it, if someone crosses the line and you know that you can't forgive them then you shouldn't hesitate to get rid of the sleazy arse before the guilt trips start and you begin to doubt your resolve.

How devastating OP

I think you know this is the end and you should never take him back - not only for yourself but to show your daughter's that this betrayal is not okay and is not to be accepted.

My apologies then. I was naive to think troll hunting was something horrid and awful. Not simply asking questions or not understanding timelines of certain events. So again I do apologise if anyone has taken to me being a troll hunter.

Thanks for all comments. Some rather harsh, some kind. I don't think anyone knows how they will react until they have been in this position. The shock and upset is immense and it is incredibly difficult to control your emotions. The one thing is we both love our children very much and their feelings are a priority. I am not a believer in dishonesty, however I think the whole detail is obviously too much. He is so sorry and keeps saying he loves us. He is getting help to see what is going on in his head, he also thinks he has an alcohol problem. We are also going to counselling even if it is just to make things as amicable as possible for the children. Do you think there is any hope over time I give forgive? I just feel this was out of character for him, however I feel the seed was planted the moment he heard of the potential trip.

Damn...been on MN 15 yrs and just seen my 1st post deletion ever - on this thread 😟. Ah well, fair enough.

OP I think you’ve had some harsh comments because of the way you put it about telling the kids - and we didn’t know their ages so assumed they were very young, especially when you referred to him as their Daddy.

I know what happened was shit but It’s really important that whatever their age you try not to get them to choose sides. It sounds like they’re old enough to decide for themselves anyway, and whatever happens between you and your DH as you say their feelings are a priority.

As for what you do...well the general consensus to cheating on MN is to LTB. However some might say they’ve had this happen to them too and managed to work through it. I agree you have to have experienced it to know what it’s like. It’s also important to know that all relationships are different and at the end of the day it’s up to you on what you want to do.

So...do you think your marriage is worth saving? Does it have a really good foundation and can it go forward with trust and honesty? I would say the fact he told you straight away is revealing...and also that he didn’t see it as cheating as such. Maybe, with help you can work through it, if you both really want to.

My dad cheated on my mother, and she told me everything.

I don't think you should have done this, and I suggest you have no further discussion with them about it.

Sorry that this has happened, it sounds dreadful.

But I have not told them everything!! We are not now discussing it. We are trying to continue with every day living with my love and support as always. They met with dad and I will not stop them seeing him at all.

I have not been on mumsnet before so I probably did not make it clear about the age of the children. Thank you so much
for your message very helpful.

OK, but you've set yourself up for a lot of prying question from your (curious) teenagers.

I'd come up with a line e.g. 'This is between me and Dad, it's nothing for you to concern yourself with, I want nothing to come between you and him'

and repeat until the questions stop.

If your ex is any kind of man at all, he'll tell your children that it's his fault and that they'll learn the truth as adults, when they're old enough to deal with it.

I will say it again and probably get the post deleted. I am not a troll hunter. I have been in a situation where my partner has cheated on me, been gaslighted etc. I have full sympathy for the op as I know what she is going through. Come on MN, you only have to look at my posting history to know I am not that kind of person. Jeez.