Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 10 11

Original poster

Husband Business trip Bangkok

273 replies

fred74 · 10/05/2019 12:27

My husband has insisted he needed to go on a work trip to Bangkok. From find my iPhone app I have found out he spent the first night in a go-go dancer/sex club. He left for a short period of time with drew £500 and returned. We have been married for 18 years and I feel absolutely disgusted by this. I am considering hiring a private detective to see what he gets up to. Any advice/thoughts greatly appreciated.

OP posts:

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 10/05/2019 12:50

What @RosaWaiting said.

What will you do if nothing happens on the other nights? Say something did happen and he felt bad about it, he's (probably) not going to do it again. What would you do then?

DPotter · 10/05/2019 12:50

There's only one reason why he would leave that type of club and return with cash and it isn't to buy another beer.
Be realistic - unless he's there for at least several nights there is no way you will be able to find a PI you trust and get them on the case in time to catch him before he returns home.

You could take the passive aggressive route and tell him, that given where he spent the evening, you have booked an appointment for him at the local STD clinic and marital relations will not resume until he's been given the all clear and that can take several weeks.

Gruzinkerbell1 · 10/05/2019 12:51

It does not cost £500 to sit and perve at a show. He’s done a lot more.

Don’t waste anymore money. Put a block on his access to any joint accounts and if he queries it tell him that you’ve seen he’s already withdrawn X amount and shouldn’t need anymore for the duration of his stay.

See what he says then.

Springwalk · 10/05/2019 12:52

I must say you are taking this very well op. Not a flicker of emotion or sadness.

Branleuse · 10/05/2019 12:52

id say you already have your proof, but if you feel like you need more, then why not

1tisILeClerc · 10/05/2019 12:53

You are assuming that he has actually spent the £500. He could have £470 and a pile of receipts in his wallet.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 10/05/2019 12:54

I think that if you feel it would make it real for you and it's something you need, then you should do it. You clearly aren't going to find out that he was doing something innocent, but if you feel that you need it to be laid out for you in a way that can't be misconstrued then I can understand that.

I'm really sorry that you are going through this. Is there anyone who can be with you tonight? Don't keep his secrets (except from children, obvs), you need support in real life as well as online.

HeresMe · 10/05/2019 12:55

I'd imagine £500 in Thailand gets you a hell of a lot , not a doubt what he's been upto.

Zilla1 · 10/05/2019 12:55

I'm sorry, you deserve better than being treated like this (no one should be).

If you want to try and be sure beyond a shadow of a doubt (understandable given the duration of the marriage and circumstances you've described) then I suppose you could try and engage help.

If you know where he went, could you try and call the establishment or get someone to pretend to be a tourist flying out soon to see if they have a price list (Might sound ridiculous, I've no idea if they have a priced menu?).

I suspect this won't give you certainty as he could say he got cash to last a few days/had his pocket picked if you see a further cash withdrawal or he overpaid for a non-physical dance.

Best wishes.

PattyCow · 10/05/2019 12:56

Urgh. I think I'd keep my powder dry as hard as that is.....you can women in the UK. That's not usually the reason to travel to Bangkok, Op. You need access to his computer and if you don't know how have someone else look at the search history and files. I imagine you might be about to find some very unpleasant things.

IHaveBrilloHair · 10/05/2019 12:56

It's quite clear what he's done, yuck.

Daenerys77 · 10/05/2019 12:57

He might just have needed to go the ATM. You don't know what has happened to the money. I think you need to talk to him when he gets back, but you will have to admit you were spying on him and that is never a good way to start an important discussion.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 10/05/2019 12:57

Urgh. He sounds like a seedy old man.

Why do you need more proof? You know he's up to no good. It would turn my stomach to be honest. Why on earth would you want to stay married to him?

thelonggame · 10/05/2019 12:59

I've been to some seedy bars in Pataya which is close to Bangkok, but going back 20 years.
It was heartbreaking, young girls wearing badges with their No, not even a name and a price list for services very clear on the wall. But, there were people who would buy the girls overpriced coloured water drinks and just talk to them - it could be innocent that he paid for company and not for sex.

CustardySergeant · 10/05/2019 12:59

I wonder what "business" he needed to go to Bangkok for. Have you asked him OP? What business is he in?

CustardySergeant · 10/05/2019 13:00

"it could be innocent that he paid for company and not for sex."

Oh yes, of course! That must be what happened.

Original poster

fred74 · 10/05/2019 13:01

He has n't necessarily spent all the money in one night. Would people forgive if just looking?

OP posts:

over50andfab · 10/05/2019 13:03

Ok I don’t know a lot, but thought things were cheap in Thailand in general - though appreciate Bangkok as a large city will cost more.... isn’t £500 rather a lot even for what you think he’s using it for?

I do think honest and frank discussion is needed - either via phone now or after his return.

MaMaMaMySharona · 10/05/2019 13:03

You are assuming that he has actually spent the £500. He could have £470 and a pile of receipts in his wallet

I agree with this as well - £500 is a huge amount to spend at a strip club in Bangkok - you have no idea whether he just took out a huge chunk to cover other expenses of the trip as well?

Not saying he hasn't used at least some of it at the club...but all of it?

Original poster

fred74 · 10/05/2019 13:03

I'm actually devastated need I say more.

OP posts:

grumiosmum · 10/05/2019 13:04

I went to a sex show when I was in Bangkok 25 years ago. Most tourists do - it's a bit like visiting the circus (women opening beer bottles and firing ping pong balls from a surprising part of their anatomy).

I wouldn't read too much into it.

Stormy76 · 10/05/2019 13:04

I would let him know that you k ow what he has been up to and his stuff will be packed and waiting for him when he gets back from his ‘work’ trip. Just looking is forgivable possibly, but paying for more ...no,way. Get yourself to a GUM clinic and get tested just for piece of mind because he may have done this before.

Aquamarine1029 · 10/05/2019 13:04

What is he supposedly doing in Bangkok that's work related?

Eliza9919 · 10/05/2019 13:04

Gruzinkerbell1 Fri 10-May-19 12:51:17
Don’t waste anymore money. Put a block on his access to any joint accounts and if he queries it tell him that you’ve seen he’s already withdrawn X amount and shouldn’t need anymore for the duration of his stay.

See what he says then.

bluejelly · 10/05/2019 13:05

£500 is probably 3 months wages for the average Thai.
Though you can spend a lot in 5-star hotels. But £500 in a night would be a very expensive night even in the top hotels!

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 10 11