Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask how to do this in the nicest way possible?

337 replies

lessnoisepls · 10/05/2019 09:30

Nc as probably quite outing.

We have a friend, her husband and 2 young children staying with us at the moment. So as to not drip, here's the background.
The lady is a longstanding family friend and has come to stay with us many times over the years, often last minute, and we never know how long for, but we have plenty of space so it's not a problem.

This time however, she's come with her husband and two children for the first time. Both kids under 3.
They didn't give us much notice, as this is the usual protocol for her visits, but feel this is slightly different as there's more of them and they're sort of taking over the house. They're staying for 4 months, they didn't really ask, or give us much time, basically told us when they were on their way. But regardless, we would have said yes anyways as we do have the space, no good reason not to.

My issue is this. We have rooms and bathroom in a separate sort of annex type thing where they are all sleeping.
They have to come into the house to use the kitchen.
They come into the house quite early, I understand, kids get up early, can't be helped.
But they're so noisy. Like kids, I get it, but they're literally louder than the kids. The kids will scream in like a cute joyful way and they'll do it back, just honestly making a racket. I'd think they were doing it on purpose if they weren't such lovely people.

This is my issue. They are SO lovely. Such good friends and we love having them. It's great fun, we eat together every night and they're such interesting, fun chat, it's honestly not a problem having them to stay.
Just the noise, specifically first thing in the morning.

I want to ask them nicely to keep it down this weekend as I'm going to be out and no doubt hungover both mornings and would REALLY like a lie in, and to let my head lie in peace.
I just think no matter how I ask it's going to come across badly.
She's quite a sensitive person and I know she'll feel racked with guilt if I say anything, and I don't want to spoil the nice atmosphere in the house, even though I think I might be quite frosty at the moment in the mornings with the early wake up calls.

How do I do it nicely?
Like think the nicest, most enthusiastic people on the planet, how do you say it on their level!?!?

The mess and the noise is really starting to get to me, I don't know when they're leaving and I'm trying to stay calm and understanding as I understand two young children can't be easy to keep on top of everything but I have to say something for my sanity!

OP posts:
Butchyrestingface · 10/05/2019 18:36

But my partner's parent's have always put her up, and now it's fallen to us as my partner's parents have moved

Did they move to get away from her flightpath?

fedup21 · 10/05/2019 18:39

But my partner's parent's have always put her up, and now it's fallen to us as my partner's parents have moved

Who says it’s fallen to you? This is a very unusual situation.

If she has come on her own for months before-where have her husband and kids been?

Where is their house-who is in it now?

Does her husband work? Do the kids not have nursery/school?

How come they have never paid anything? Surely they know they must be costing you a small fortune? They have been in shops before, and know how much things cost-yes??

wizzywig · 10/05/2019 18:45

Those kids are screaming because they are fed up of her shitty behaviour

thenightsky · 10/05/2019 18:52

It sounds as though they are deliberately trying to make a noise by encouraging the children to scream by screaming back to reinforce the behaviour.

I think they want you out of bed to get on with 'doing' for them - nice breakfast, clearing up etc.

lablablab · 10/05/2019 18:58

They arrive with a moment's notice, make loads of mess and noise (including waking you up early in the morning), they don't offer a penny towards their accommodation and all this for FOUR MONTHS?!?!?! I'd struggle after 4 weeks! (4 days really but I'm an unsociable git sometimes.) 4 months takes the absolute piss.

This is cheeky fuckery of the highest order! OP, why are you worrying about upsetting her?! It should be the other way around... madness! Confused

RSAcre · 10/05/2019 19:07

my dp's family who insist we host them

WTActualF?
Then you have 2 sets of CF families to contend with.
Why is DP accepting this?

snowdrop6 · 10/05/2019 21:51

Sometimes on Mumsnet,I come on to read a thread ,and I just think ,this can’t be real.surely no one is this much of a door mat.
Op you are being used by cheeky fuckers ,who clearly don’t give a shit about you or they would ask first,and keep the noise down.

snowdrop6 · 10/05/2019 21:53

I actually can’t read this thread,I’ve just tried but I can’t..for Christ sake grow a backbone and tell them to fuck off

Branleuse · 10/05/2019 22:05

I would say "look, this is a bit awkward, and you know we are happy to host you in our home, thats not a problem, but I am feeling quite anxious about the morning noise, and I was wondering if we can come to an agreement, because as much as I enjoy seeing you, I also enjoy my quiet mornings, and this has never cropped up before when youve come on your own, so ive felt a bit awkward as to what to say"

RhiWrites · 10/05/2019 22:19

Four months is a third of a year. That’s a long time for a no notice visit with the whole screaming family. Will they be back next year, OP, do you think?

Cherrysoup · 10/05/2019 22:32

Totally insane situation. What’s the extra electric/gas they use when they’re staying?

federationrep · 10/05/2019 22:34

Haven't rtft but I'd get them a kettle, coffee, uht, fruit & cereal bars and explain that you need a little time in your kitchen on your own to set you up for the day and that they can have access from 8am.but you hope that this will tide them over from the time they wake until then

Hellbentwellwent · 11/05/2019 09:30

Op, you’re two months into her stay. Start suggesting ways in which they can be more considerate NOW.

Over dinner mention that the noise in the morning is disturbing you, if it was only for a weekend you couldn’t mind but you’ve two more months etc etc.... also mention that next time you’d appreciate more notice and that such extended periods with the whole family are overwhelming and you don’t feel like you can relax and enjoy your own home. Tell her it’s making you anxious that year on year the expectations of her ability to avail of your generosity are increasing and it’s becoming too much and you’re worrying about what will happen next time she gets a contract. If the conversation opens up you can ultimately say that the length of stay and number of people is too much and next time alternatives will have to be found for next time. If the conversation doesn’t open up after they’ve left send her an email recapping the things you’ve already mentioned above and say that while you love her and her family dearly and will happily host her for short periods on her own shelll need think of another solution for longer periods if she’s travelling with her family.

If you leave it till after she’s left and then just say no the next time she asks, she may we’ll take it thick and feel let down (she’s a cf after all) but if you get in now and start getting her to see that she’s taking the piss she’ll adjust her expectations before the next time arises.

If she’s an actor which it sounds like she is, she’s trained to read situations and emotional responses and put herself in other peoples shoes.... she and her husband and taking advantage of you and your dh

LizB62A · 11/05/2019 13:39

Plus you need to make it clear to her that she can't just rock up in future, she needs to ask you if it's ok for her to come and stay - telling you in advance how many people will be coming and for how long.
And then you can say No

AdoreTheBeach · 11/05/2019 16:53

Any news op? How did it go this morning?

bringbacksideburns · 11/05/2019 17:06

Wow. Sensitive people do not rock up unannounced and stay rent free for four months. Are you bonkers?

I'm just struggling to get my head round two clearly successful and comfortably off people not having the balls between them to speak to the freeloaders who wake them up screaming every morning, taking over their home Confused

manicmij · 11/05/2019 17:35

If it's all due to her job then she should have thought of the implications when taking the job in the first place or is she self employed and freeloading on you. And this time with 3 other bodies. Just tell them it's amazing how noise travels when everything else is quiet and the kitchen seems as if it has no sound proofing when there are children and immature adults in it in the morning. As you are going out in the evenings you will need to consider staying in a hotel as you like to have a lie in in the morning. See their reaction to that.

quizqueen · 11/05/2019 17:36

If you really have to let them stay- for ages for nothing, WTF - then provide a kettle, toaster and microwave so they can have breakfast in their rooms at their own expense and lock up your side of the house until you are willing to have them over in the morning.

Cloglover · 11/05/2019 17:52

Am sorry, have just skim read but to add my two penneth. Any friendship that may have been lost wouldn't have been a true friendship. We're these not just CF situations and they couldn't deal with you standing up to them? Also it's not your job as partner of family friend to have to make allowences for their life choices. They chose to have kids so being sleep deprived is their responsibility. One of them could get up with the kids whilst the other has a lay in. They can take it in turns. And they have chose to have a job that takes them far away from home so it's not your responsibility to house them or the their entire family so they can be together. And I don't buy that she would be racked with guilt over knowing she makes so much noise. A person like that would be humble enough to be a good house guest. Would not take over your home, and would appreciate your hospitality.

Good luck with your chat. I hope it goes well. X

Bunnyfuller · 11/05/2019 17:55

4 days for free is visiting and fun. 4 months to enable working is taking the complete piss. Do you feed them for free?

They’re coming here to earn money and using you to support it. Rude and wrong.

nuxe1984 · 11/05/2019 17:56

Wouldn't be surprised if they've rented out their house on Airbnb. Reckon that's why the whole family have come this time ....

Toooldfornonsense · 11/05/2019 17:58

It’s lovely that you are taking in this family friend but seriously, 4 months without any payment? I may have missed a previous comment but are they at least keeping on top of the tidying and cleaning?
They are taking advantage of your good nature, this makes me feel sad

Reastie · 11/05/2019 18:02

Op you sound lovely and very accommodating. Tbh if I was in your situ I’d be very tempted to buy a small fridge and stick it in one of their rooms (or if you have another spare room in the annexe turn it into a sitting/dining room temporarily) and stick some milk in there and set them up with their own kettle and tea/coffee and breakfast cereal etc on a tray. Make a comment about how you thought they might like their own space whilst they’re staying so long without the worry of waking you early and they can use the space as their little sitting/breakfast area. You’re not making any assumption that they are being unreasonably loud to them and you’re acknowledging they might want to be as comfortable as possible and enjoy a space to themselves. Hopefully they will realise that you don’t want to be disturbed first thing and appreciate the thought of giving them some space and freedom.

dogsdinnerlady · 11/05/2019 18:04

This must be some sort of goad/joke, surely.

Thequaffle · 11/05/2019 18:05

Maybe try something subtle...apologise for noise you / your kids are making (even if you’re not too loud) and if she is really that sensitive she will pick up on it and return the consideration.
I can tell you value this friendship a lot, in the grand scheme of things it’s not worth ending it on a sour note.

Swipe left for the next trending thread