To ask how to do this in the nicest way possible?

[lessnoisepls]

Nc as probably quite outing.

We have a friend, her husband and 2 young children staying with us at the moment. So as to not drip, here's the background.
The lady is a longstanding family friend and has come to stay with us many times over the years, often last minute, and we never know how long for, but we have plenty of space so it's not a problem.

This time however, she's come with her husband and two children for the first time. Both kids under 3.
They didn't give us much notice, as this is the usual protocol for her visits, but feel this is slightly different as there's more of them and they're sort of taking over the house. They're staying for 4 months, they didn't really ask, or give us much time, basically told us when they were on their way. But regardless, we would have said yes anyways as we do have the space, no good reason not to.

My issue is this. We have rooms and bathroom in a separate sort of annex type thing where they are all sleeping.
They have to come into the house to use the kitchen.
They come into the house quite early, I understand, kids get up early, can't be helped.
But they're so noisy. Like kids, I get it, but they're literally louder than the kids. The kids will scream in like a cute joyful way and they'll do it back, just honestly making a racket. I'd think they were doing it on purpose if they weren't such lovely people.

This is my issue. They are SO lovely. Such good friends and we love having them. It's great fun, we eat together every night and they're such interesting, fun chat, it's honestly not a problem having them to stay.
Just the noise, specifically first thing in the morning.

I want to ask them nicely to keep it down this weekend as I'm going to be out and no doubt hungover both mornings and would REALLY like a lie in, and to let my head lie in peace.
I just think no matter how I ask it's going to come across badly.
She's quite a sensitive person and I know she'll feel racked with guilt if I say anything, and I don't want to spoil the nice atmosphere in the house, even though I think I might be quite frosty at the moment in the mornings with the early wake up calls.

How do I do it nicely?
Like think the nicest, most enthusiastic people on the planet, how do you say it on their level!?!?

The mess and the noise is really starting to get to me, I don't know when they're leaving and I'm trying to stay calm and understanding as I understand two young children can't be easy to keep on top of everything but I have to say something for my sanity!

This has been an interesting thread and I have read every comment.

7yo7yo’s post:-

“It’s strange how cheeky fuckers are always sensitive.” strikes me as a pithy truth about human nature.

In your place, OP, I would never have agreed to the visit in the first place as I would have foreseen trouble. However, things being as they are you need to bring the stressful situation to an end swiftly.

If you wish to allow the cf’s to continue to think well of themselves and perhaps even continue the acquaintanceship, make up a polite lie whereby you must have the annex back immediately.

If you have truly had enough, tell them to leave as the arrangement is not working for you.

Either way you will find out exactly how ‘sensitive’ these awful freeloading vegans really are. I will confidently predict that it will not be your feelings they are sensitive about.

OP, these people are not yours friends.

How long have they been with you now? I’m sorry if I’ve missed this!

OP - how did it go when your husband spoke to them? Hope they took it on board...

If she has the kind of job that requires working overseas for months at a time it must be fairly well paid don’t you think? She must be in a position that’s either quite specialist or senior. You say her employer wouldn’t pay for the whole family to relocate but surely they are paying her expenses? Are you sure she isn’t pocketing money that she’s given for accommodation and subsistence rather than paying for your hospitality?

Also, did they actually only tell you they were coming to stay when they were on their way?! What if you weren’t there? What if you already had someone else staying? They sound crazy to drag their whole family to the other side of the world in the hope that they can crash at your house.

I would make sure I wake DP each morning that I am awake. Go out more so that he is hosting. If you are smoothing over some of the problems it will be no wonder he doesn't mind them there.

@lessnoisepls @whatwouldyoubelikeat28

I agree wholeheartedly. This is an unconventional set up that most won't be able to understand. I get it completely but still you need to be able to respect each other's lifestyles. Particularly them respecting your home.
I would say something at the next opportunity that you all together eating....I wouldn't sit them down for a serious chat, I would just say "now listen you lovely lot, you have to keep the racket down in the mornings, I need my beauty sleep and if I have another 2 months of this I'm going to look like a monster." And then I would look at the children and say "obviously I'm talking to the grown ups here as they are the most noisy". I would give the mum a wink and give her a cwtch to lighten it all up. I would keep it light and upbeat and funny.
I would also have a conversation starter ready to move things on.

@Yabbers me and my family are looking to go somewhere for the May half term. Can we come and stay with you?

OP you’re a saint. I think you need to lay some ground rules as you’re not a hotel.

GurlwiththeCurl, exactly what I was thinking - house martins! They show up in spring without a by-your-leave, stay about four months, make a hell of a row, bring up loads of kids, leave a pile of shit, then zoom off when they're good and ready.
But they are absolutely charming.

Why on earth are you worried about how you come across? They're not. This situation seems completely unacceptable to most people on here because IT IS. The only way I would even consider a four month stay is by prior arrangement and discussion! And even then I'm not sure I'd do it. You sound like a nice person but (and in the nicest way) enabling people who have no healthy boundaries. Which is affecting you. I would call a house meeting - don't ask permission. Set an agenda. Talk through each point. If they take offence so what? It's YOUR home. This is not a long weekend it's one third of the year. The family set up and dynamic here seems very strange and you are within your rights to assert your needs. In fact you must or you will go crackers quickly.

Wow, @lessnoisepls - you are a mug saint!

I think you need to reframe this in your mind.

They need you much more than you need then.

You're worried to breaking point about offending them, but they're offending you every morning, and you're just lying back and taking it.

Just say it. Politely and assertively. What's the worst thing that could happen?? They don't land on you, en mass, for 4 months again?

Bonus.

footle gurlwiththecurl

That’s it.

It’s a joke thread about swallows/

Because the alternative is just bonkers!

Oh please ! The person who said housing them was the right thing to do was taking the piss ! Dont grasp onto this as an excuse to bury your head in the sand and do nothing.

I get that this is a cultural thing where families are expected to all live together, but there's living together and sharing responsibility and bills and the alternative of having the complete piss taken out of you! You know what side this falls on.

Ive housed a vegan before. My sons friend who had lost his college accommodation (wonder why ?! ) He was a piss taker as well. Used every pot and pan in the house as everything had to be made from scratch. Even though I was only charging him a token amount to stay, he tried to pay half of that saying he was cooking his own food ! I had him out in two weeks - total pain in the arse. Will all still laugh about his total cheekery fuckery

You see for you this will never go away. As they turn up unannounced for months at a time you will always be on edge, anxious and worried about the next time, when and how long

So as you are stuck with this life long problem, relax, enjoy and share the looooove with them - you know you want to

As an aside, when your PIL's friend was talking to her husband about this new contract, she will have said, "I'll get lessnoisepls to say Yes to me dossing there, we then arrive +3, they won't mind. that won't cost anything, so let's all go, that way I get to see the kids, & we can rent the house out, & we will double our income. & we all get to have an extended trip abroad".
Have they even rented a car? or did you collect them from the airport...

I realize they are there now there for the duration,, I would say, "How about if you lot bought essentials for breakfast that way you won't make a racket & wake us every morning"

& at another time, "Oh come on guys, I go to work & come home to a bomb site, You need to tidy up or we are going o fall out"

& at some point before they leave. say, "Oh, by the way, we have been discussing the idea & decided we will be renting the annex, so it will no longer be possible to just rock up, If you want to come please check for availability well in advance, & if there are free dates I'll let you know the rent.

Everyone advising you to be firm. But ime if two DCs under 3 are not in the habit of being quiet and/or staying in bed later then there is little chance of them learning that in the time they are with you.

Suddenly being strict / naughty step / penning them in their room etc is likely to cause more squeals and crying not less. Wanting to sleep til 8 or 9 with two under 3s around is a vain hope in my view. Unless there is lots of space at the other end of the house where they can go and make their noise. I would ask if they could please be quieter as they are disturbing you, as they might not be aware how noisy they are. But otherwise don't have them back.

I think it's easier to just be honest. I'd leave the house this morning and I'd text her this. "Popped to the shop. My hangover wants chocolate and Ribena! Will be back at 4. Without meaning to be a killjoy, can you guys keep the noise down in the morning? Need the rest at the mo so would appreciate it. X

Ps what chocolate bars do the kids like?! X

Then forget all about it because you've made the point in a friendly way.

@Alwaysgrey

We have guests for half term, already full.

The CFs are vegan -- chocolate bars might be perceived as a pa comment

I kinda get the situation you are in, as I had similar - only it was family, no annex, they stayed nearly 5 months till they managed to buy a house...

I'm hoping that one of the suggestions worked for you & that your head isn't too sore this morning!

One of the worst things about this unbelievable situation is that if the mother is getting expenses for being overseas for work it may well be that they are actually making money off staying with the OP and just pocketing it.

This. All while it is actually costing the OP money in gas, water, electricity etc.

Hellbent , way back, had good advice.
And unless you are very clear about how this situation is not working for you, you will be setting a precedent and they’ll continue arriving en famille like this EVERY YEAR.
Tell them it’s been more of an upheaval due to the whole family being here and that it would help you if they get kettle etc, to at least avoid disturbing you in the morning.
That’s not being grumpy, it’s being fair and honest. They need to know it’s not your OR your DH’s choice to have them ALL over.

Are we ever going to find out how this ends?

The OP's going to disappear isn't she and there will be no happy ending.

Fluffyhairforever

The OP will suck it up for another 2 months & then do the same again next year...

What’s the upshot OP? Any further developments?

They will ruin your summer. Sorry think you are a mug and they know it. Have they ever invited you to their home for a holiday?
I would tell them you wish to sleep in and although you like them they will be quiet. They should already be aware of this. Are you rich or something?