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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask how to do this in the nicest way possible?

337 replies

lessnoisepls · 10/05/2019 09:30

Nc as probably quite outing.

We have a friend, her husband and 2 young children staying with us at the moment. So as to not drip, here's the background.
The lady is a longstanding family friend and has come to stay with us many times over the years, often last minute, and we never know how long for, but we have plenty of space so it's not a problem.

This time however, she's come with her husband and two children for the first time. Both kids under 3.
They didn't give us much notice, as this is the usual protocol for her visits, but feel this is slightly different as there's more of them and they're sort of taking over the house. They're staying for 4 months, they didn't really ask, or give us much time, basically told us when they were on their way. But regardless, we would have said yes anyways as we do have the space, no good reason not to.

My issue is this. We have rooms and bathroom in a separate sort of annex type thing where they are all sleeping.
They have to come into the house to use the kitchen.
They come into the house quite early, I understand, kids get up early, can't be helped.
But they're so noisy. Like kids, I get it, but they're literally louder than the kids. The kids will scream in like a cute joyful way and they'll do it back, just honestly making a racket. I'd think they were doing it on purpose if they weren't such lovely people.

This is my issue. They are SO lovely. Such good friends and we love having them. It's great fun, we eat together every night and they're such interesting, fun chat, it's honestly not a problem having them to stay.
Just the noise, specifically first thing in the morning.

I want to ask them nicely to keep it down this weekend as I'm going to be out and no doubt hungover both mornings and would REALLY like a lie in, and to let my head lie in peace.
I just think no matter how I ask it's going to come across badly.
She's quite a sensitive person and I know she'll feel racked with guilt if I say anything, and I don't want to spoil the nice atmosphere in the house, even though I think I might be quite frosty at the moment in the mornings with the early wake up calls.

How do I do it nicely?
Like think the nicest, most enthusiastic people on the planet, how do you say it on their level!?!?

The mess and the noise is really starting to get to me, I don't know when they're leaving and I'm trying to stay calm and understanding as I understand two young children can't be easy to keep on top of everything but I have to say something for my sanity!

OP posts:
Erythronium · 11/05/2019 20:06

BTW, they show up and only tell you at the last minute so you can't say no. It's calculated.

JaneEyre07 · 11/05/2019 20:12

I'm imagining these "friends" are from another country, where the OPs PILs also originate from, and that not hosting would be seen as very offensive, hence the not wanting to cause upset.

So OPs only option is to burn the annex down or move!

cheeseandpineapple · 11/05/2019 20:19

OP did your partner speak to them and were they quieter this morning?

MummyofTw0 · 11/05/2019 20:32

You sound like a lovely person

Pliudev · 11/05/2019 20:32

I reckon OP is in Venice and the 'friend' who is 'in the arts' is there for the biennale. So, do you have one of those pallazzos with a water door on the canal? If so, can I come when they have gone? I will be very quiet in the mornings because I will likely have a hangover too. On a more serious note, speak to them calmly about what you want before you lose your temper and it all comes pouring out in anger. That way you can stay friends.

Erythronium · 11/05/2019 20:36

Just ask them to stop screaming in the mornings if all else fails OP. It's hardly unreasonable.

SolitudeAtAltitude · 11/05/2019 20:44

Are they from a culture where hospitality is the cornerstone of society?

Difficult situation!

Hope your DH has asked them to be quiet in the morning! A completely acceptable request!

bowchicapewpew · 11/05/2019 20:49

Ok, strange friendship or whatever relationship this is, free (?) family rental for 4 months at drop of a hat.. are these celebrities? Even then, "They are SO lovely"?

We can be lovely and enthusiastic for you, OP. We don't joyously scream with our kids at 7am (?!) Can we come and stay with you sometimes - for free of course?

This is a total wind up right?

HumptyNumptyNooNoo · 11/05/2019 20:57

I've just read this out to my DH as we have a similar set up with friends of his friends who have decamped to a Cottage of ours (mine) since Christmas and who aren't offering a bean in rent or service charges !
He's wandered over to say we will be renting it out from July1st and if they don't want to rent it, we will need them out a month before then to redecorate it !

MissMoan · 11/05/2019 21:01

I think you deserve a medal for your patience. I cannot believe the audacity of these people.
You could chat to them, start with a nice statement before making your request:

'It's great to have you here. Would you mind please keeping the noise down in the mornings so we can continue to enjoy our time together?'

Otherwise leave a simple sign 'Please keep the noise down. Respectfully, [xxx]

leomama81 · 11/05/2019 21:03

One of the worst things about this unbelievable situation is that if the mother is getting expenses for being overseas for work it may well be that they are actually making money off staying with the OP and just pocketing it.

Lovely people just don't do this sort of thing, sorry OP, they may be nice in some ways but this is taking advantage in the extreme. And it seems that you allowing their pisstaking has emboldened them to just be as cheeky as they damn well like.

Fluffyhairforever · 11/05/2019 21:30

OP can you confirm or deny whether you are in fact in Venice?!

SandAndSea · 11/05/2019 21:36

Do you think that the reason you don't get much notice is because they never know when their other friends will ask them to leave? (I'm just thinking that they could rent their own house out and stay with friends all year.)

Itwouldtakemuchmorethanthis · 11/05/2019 21:37

I think it’s fine to ask them to stay in the annex for breakfast

EL8888 · 11/05/2019 21:53

@Offallycheap 😂😂😂 tramps with WiFi

I have noticed people who claim to be sensitive so very rarely are. They should have realised 4 months is an imposition. Even without lots of mess and noise. I don't like earplugs so l see why you don't. The issue is the children being noisy so they need to sort the source. I have noticed people who have the attitude "l am awake so the whole world should be awake", are rarely like that at night with others are night owls

I find it hard to believe she's getting no expenses or extra pay. My partner went to Chester for 5 days with work and he even got expenses from his tight company

I have a tendency to bottle things up and then explode so l know it's tricky to hit the right balance. But they need speaking to

moomoomummy · 11/05/2019 22:20

Just curious as to why a few precious posters have asked if guests are Australian and then said" they are usually insensitTeaive to others needs". What a massive inaccurate generalisation!!!

moomoomummy · 11/05/2019 22:21

Sorry, typos - insensitive

bluebeck · 11/05/2019 22:39

I am completely mystified by this...

FOUR FUCKING MONTHS????!!!!!!

Are you crazy?

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 11/05/2019 22:50

I'm with @VoteJadot - we're also looking for a couple of weeks free accommodation in July or August and would be quite happy to impose our slightly grouchy pre-teen and teen on you. Grin

I've RTFT and I can see that it's difficult given that they're long-standing friends of your DH's family. But, you have a perfect right to expect peaceful mornings. You (or your DH) just has to tell them. Perhaps one of them can entertain the children in the annexe while the other parents prepares breakfast.

Jog22 · 11/05/2019 23:22

I need a diagram of your living situation.

BummyKnocker · 11/05/2019 23:28

They are CF because you let them.

Why would they pay their way and be gracious guests when you will let them walk all over you?

When you condone shitty behaviour you also give permission for them to do it again and again.

GabsAlot · 12/05/2019 00:05

i dont understand how it falls to you-youre not their family your just friends and not even yours

you just say u cant accomodate them anymore-in no world is this normal

Catsinthecupboard · 12/05/2019 00:38

NOBODY except first blood related family may stay 4 months.

Nobody. Especially if they are CFs. Which they are.

Tooo · 12/05/2019 01:14

You must be a saint! 4 months?!!

di2004 · 12/05/2019 01:44

Sorry but you’re too soft with them.
They’re taking the mickey staying for 4 months without any warning.
I think they are rude and don’t respect you in any way. You need to have the talk - very soon!

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