Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he could cook his own meals??

203 replies

ChelseaMumma · 10/05/2019 06:53

DH has ibs and apparently I'm meant to be cooking to suit this.

We have four dc and I cook meals that I know they will mostly eat.

DH is 34 and perfectly capable of making his own food.

Last night I cooked macaroni cheese as eldest requested it. In bed DH had a go at me as he wasn't feeling great and I should know better than to cook food with cheese in. I told him I didn't force him to eat it and he could make his own food if he had a problem. He ignored that and carried on moaning.

I absolutely hate cooking anyway so aibu to think he could make his own dinner if he doesn't like what I cook?

OP posts:
spanishwife · 10/05/2019 10:48

Wow - I wouldn't dream of cooking something that my husband would be uncomfortable after eating! That's awful and inconsiderate.

It's your DC that should be cooking their additional mac and cheese as requested!

If the real issue is 'I do all the cooking', then you need to work out a rota or something. But when you do cook, it needs to be suitable for all!

romany4 · 10/05/2019 10:49

I have IBS. It's a nightmare.
I'm intolerant to anything acidic so can't eat any fruit, tomatoes, onions, leeks, cabbage, kale, basil, anything spicy no matter how mild, anything smoked, black pepper, wheat, fizzy drinks and all alcohol.
You can imagine how bland my diet has to be but otherwise I'm either stuck in the toilet or in extreme pain.
My DH can eat anything. I cook bland basic meals ( he's disabled) and then he adds a shit ton of spices, sauce or pepper to his meals to make them taste of something.
But my DH knows how much I suffer so he never complains

mumwon · 10/05/2019 10:50

by the way many shops m & s do sell gluten free sandwiches & wraps

MariaNovella · 10/05/2019 10:51

Wow - I wouldn't dream of cooking something that my husband would be uncomfortable after eating! That's awful and inconsiderate.

Exactly.

LannieDuck · 10/05/2019 10:54

He wants you to do all the mental work of figuring it out for him so doesn't have to go to any effort.

Honestly I need to read up on ibs and figure out recipes/meals that would be suitable.

This is the crux of it. Why should you do that? Why wouldn't he?

He needs to take some responsibility for his medical condition and not just dump it off on you. I'm going through the same thing at the moment (blood testing and FODMAP), and in my family OH does almost all the cooking. But that doesn't mean I'll leave it up to him to figure out. I'll read up on it, figure out some meals that I can eat, and some ways to adapt meals we have at present and talk to him about it. I certainly won't ignore it and then moan when DH inevitably serves me something I shouldn't have.

MariaNovella · 10/05/2019 11:01

Both the OP and her DH need to read up on the science and to work out what does and does not work for his IBS together and through trial and error. At the moment both of them are trying to make the other individually responsible. That is never going to work.

LagunaBubbles · 10/05/2019 11:09

sounds like the OP's DH wants to eat whatever he likes but then blame the OP if it doesn't agree with him, he's not taking any steps himself to eat the right things, even when she makes him suitable meals he makes them unsuitable by adding cheese

Yep I agree with this after reading all the posts. Whether that's because he's not being very nice generally or is scared etc about his health is impossible to tell. I suspect though that this issue with food isn't the real problem and there are other issues in the relationship that is causing her unresolved feelings such as anger. How is he with your DC OP?

Wheresthebeach · 10/05/2019 11:16

The crux is you don't want to cook for his IBS and expect him to cook for himself. That's what your OP says.

All the anger around his lack of 'helping himself' is to back up your initial position that you shouldn't have to cater for him. Even if he wasn't eating bread, I expect you'd still resent it and expect him to cook for himself, instead of you cooking a family meal that everyone can enjoy together. Eating together is actually quite important, and it's indicative of your attitude to him that you don't care about that, and you just want to cook for the kids.

ArcheryAnnie · 10/05/2019 11:19

Wow - I wouldn't dream of cooking something that my husband would be uncomfortable after eating! That's awful and inconsiderate.

Whereas I wouldn't dream of pandering to a spouse who was so bloody infantile that he deliberately ate meals he knew would make him ill.

He's not a toddler who needs his grapes slicing lengthways. He's an adult and a parent and is responsible for his own health. He should be doing half the cooking anyway.

Damntheman · 10/05/2019 11:19

Wow - I wouldn't dream of cooking something that my husband would be uncomfortable after eating! That's awful and inconsiderate

You would magically know what foods triggered your husband would you dear? Even without him deigning to tell you? That's impressive! You should market that skill.

FFS.

MariaNovella · 10/05/2019 11:22

He's an adult and a parent and is responsible for his own health. He should be doing half the cooking anyway.

A FT working parent supporting a FT SAHP has a reasonable expectation of having the majority of the household’s catering managed by the SAHP.

justilou1 · 10/05/2019 11:22

Actually, I couldn't agree more... He chose to eat the macaroni and blame you for the results. He chooses to eat Pizza. The same ingredients that cause issues in macaroni are in pizza. He's very selective about what causes problems with his IBS... He is taking no responsibility at all. I think it's time you make a giant pot of lentil stew and feed it to everyone until they all crack. (You get to sneak off and eat whatever you want. The house will be unliveable due to methane build-up. Go and stay at your mother's.)

goldenflame · 10/05/2019 11:23

Ok OP, I hear you! I think the main issue up until this point is that he hasn’t really taken his IBS that seriously himself. Nor has he been clear with you about what he feels he can eat.

I also have 4 DC. One is veggie and won’t eat anything spicy. Two will not eat fish but prefer spicy foods. The fourth hardly eats at all. DH changes his dietary requirements on a week to week basis according to the wondrous workings of his cycling / triathlon training schedules.

I swear to god, most days I stand in M&S or wherever and feel as if I’m drifting into a coma. I generally end up doing 3 different meals and then just having bits of whatever’s left / they don’t want or cereal myself because I’m so exhausted to even think about what I feel like.

This week DH wants salad and fish only. He has now gone off chicken following a recent farming documentary. Next week he said something about “carb cycling”? or maybe it was “carb recycling”. No clue what this entails, it’s a new one.

My DH also refuses to cook because he says he likes me to do that for him at home as his wife. Yes, this is important for “the fabric of the family” and I’m “such a good cook?” “what would he do without me,” yadda yadda. I am also a SAHM.

It is very hard work to be honest, but I think your DH needs to be clear in the first instance about what he feels trigger his IBS because presumably this varies person to person? Get about 10 options that he agreed to not moan about and then alternate.

Sometimes they just like to moan regardless because they’ve had a bad day or are tired. It may well have nothing to do with macaroni cheese, he just wants to do “woe is me” and get attention or make you worry about him. Sometimes I also think they feel the need to keep you on your toes - so that you keep making what they deem an acceptable effort. Or sometimes they feel sidelined by the kids (especially as you have 4, like me) and it’s blatant attention-seeking.

Good luck!

StuckInsideAnEcho · 10/05/2019 11:28

Two sandwiches and a bread roll.
Blames your macaroni cheese.
Dickhead.

I have food intolerance and have learnt what to sub things with. But it's taken me years and I still sneak things sometimes. But I don't blame it on my partner. Admittedly I do 90% of the cooking but still.

EKGEMS · 10/05/2019 11:48

Whereisthebeach Oh dear I think you should wash the fruit and veggies off before you eat them they're making you post stupid things

Original poster
ChelseaMumma · 10/05/2019 11:51

So tonight we are having chicken fajitas and DH will eat them, even though spices don't agree with him. He says it's worth the pain.

Two dc will have something else, as they don't like spices.

How am I meant to know "what's worth it".

We do food shopping together every few days as I don't drive so he can choose what to buy with me. It's not all my decision.

OP posts:
Wheresthebeach · 10/05/2019 11:54

Charming EKGEMS. Be as unpleasant as you like, it's not going to change my view that the person who does the cooking should take health considerations for everyone into account.

spanishwife · 10/05/2019 11:55

@Damntheman yes dear... if my husband told me he had an intolerance to something I'd work with him to understand what that is and adjust accordingly. I actually like the man.

EKGEMS · 10/05/2019 11:55

Maria You do realize this OP has four children one with MH issues and another special needs?! Do you read where the husband eats the wrong triggering foods outside the house or is that the OP's fault also? Last I checked no patient will get better if he doesn't want to change!

MariaNovella · 10/05/2019 11:57

Why are the two of you making a joint decision to have chicken fajitas for your family dinner if that recipe disagrees with him? Neither of you are taking responsibility here - you are as irresponsible as each other.

MariaNovella · 10/05/2019 11:58

She could have a hundred children - she would still be jointly responsible for ensuring her husband has a balanced healthy diet that agrees with him.

EKGEMS · 10/05/2019 11:58

Give me a break Whereisthebeach You seem to have an agenda against the OP who is frustrated with her adult husband who chooses to take no initiative for a medical condition yet you ignore the fact she has four children to look after as well that is my issue with your posts you're in the minority on here

MariaNovella · 10/05/2019 12:00

Having extra children isn’t some kind of Joker that allows you to neglect your husband.

EKGEMS · 10/05/2019 12:01

Maria OP states they do meal shopping at the grocery store together so if she asked him what meals to purchase and plan for and he doesn't offer suggestions is that her fault? Mall it takes us one severely disabled child to change the household dynamics

EKGEMS · 10/05/2019 12:01

"All" it takes

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.