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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he could cook his own meals??

203 replies

ChelseaMumma · 10/05/2019 06:53

DH has ibs and apparently I'm meant to be cooking to suit this.

We have four dc and I cook meals that I know they will mostly eat.

DH is 34 and perfectly capable of making his own food.

Last night I cooked macaroni cheese as eldest requested it. In bed DH had a go at me as he wasn't feeling great and I should know better than to cook food with cheese in. I told him I didn't force him to eat it and he could make his own food if he had a problem. He ignored that and carried on moaning.

I absolutely hate cooking anyway so aibu to think he could make his own dinner if he doesn't like what I cook?

OP posts:
Skittlesandbeer · 10/05/2019 07:46

So he’s outsourcing the meal planning, buying, preparation, and basically the day to day of his health? And reserving the right to moan at you?

I mean, I’d be laughing my head off, but I get that you like providing a wrap-around service to a fully grown man if a way that I wouldn’t.

Why don’t you ask him to write a long list of dishes/meals he knows are good for him/his diet. Then ask him to seperate out all the ingredients of those dishes (for the shopping list). Then ask him to put them up against the weekly meal calendar. Then ask him to make sure the right ingredients are transferred onto the shopping list in any given week. If he falters at any step, you can shut down his moaning by pointing it out.

Let him know that the family ‘default’ meal will be the only thing cooked unless he puts in the effort. Also stock the pantry/freezer with IBS friendly cheap ready meals. If he doesn’t do the work, he needs to defrost himself something in time to sit down with you all.

Both the pandering and the whining really need to stop, though. Shut him down with the phrase ‘IBS helps those who help themselves’ like a broken record.

RestingBitchFaced · 10/05/2019 07:46

Of course he is being unreasonable. The world doesn't revolve around him, he can sort his own meals out, since when are you his mother?

gorbashthecat · 10/05/2019 07:51

I'd suggest using this as an opportunity for him to take responsibility for his own health. He needs to research what he can eat, and then you can discuss between you how to change his diet.

If you do the research for him, it'll be a change imposed by you in his eyes, and he'll be less likely to follow it. Good luck!

ArgyMargy · 10/05/2019 07:52

He's a tit. You are not his nurse. If you enable him by "reading up on it" then he will be absolved of effort. Tell him to read up on it and suggest options, then take turns in the kitchen to cook for everyone.

ArgyMargy · 10/05/2019 07:52

X-post @gorbashthecat !

EggAndButter · 10/05/2019 07:58

I have ME and wheat and dairy will set me off (think pain waking you up at night, extreme tiredness etc....)

DH is all doing all of the cooking because by the t the evening comes, I exhausted and unable to do much.

DH cooks meals wo wheat and dairy. (I did do all the prep work of finding suitable recipes though)

Your DH has an illness and IBS can be awful. I think it would be fair to support him. I also think he needs to take responsibility in helping find suitable recipes that the whole family will eat.

Aprillygirl · 10/05/2019 07:59

It depends. if I were a SAHM and my DH worked long hours I would try to adapt a portion of what I was cooking to suit him, just as I would for a child who didn't like something that everyone else did. I appreciate though that with 4 kids to feed, plus an aversion to cooking what a bloody ballache it is, and I would let him know that I was doing this out of the goodness of my heart,and to not expect it all of the time.

PurpleDaisies · 10/05/2019 08:00

Did he say anything when you told him you were cooking macaroni cheese for dinner?

EggAndButter · 10/05/2019 08:03

I have to say though, I would tell him that you are happy to cook for him but he needs to tell you what to cook.

The starting point if for him to know what is a trigger.
I get that SOMETIMES you still want to eat something that is triggering you. I know I do. But I do so in the full knowledge of the price I will pay.
But in a day to day, he needs to take responsibility for his health and decide what he is happy to eat/can eat.

I’d suggest a trip to see a nutritionist to help sort his diet out and have a plan. The. He needs to stick to it for course....

Mayalready · 10/05/2019 08:03

Buy some alphabet spaghetti and spell out:
Grow up you spoilt twat.
Anyone's medical condition is there own responsibility surely?

Damntheman · 10/05/2019 08:07

OP he can bloody well sort himself out!

Ordinarily I'd be all for the family adjusting for an IBS sufferer, but in order to help him he has to be helping himself. A) by not eating bread. Doesn't matter if it's in the house, he knows it's a trigger so he should not eat it. He's not three, he should have some measure of self-control. B) By researching food himself and making a list of dinners he can safely eat.

He also needs to be doing half the cooking. What would happen if you had to be in hospital for a while? Who would cook for your DC? He not only needs this life skill for himself, but also to model to your DC how things SHOULD be.

Clutterbugsmum · 10/05/2019 08:10

YANBU.

He an adult he is responsible for NOT eating food that makes him ill.

Yes you can cook meals which he doesn't react to but that won't stop him pigging out on bread because you have bought it for you and your DC.

ItalianEarthernware · 10/05/2019 08:11

He cannot expect you to be his personal chef and nurse or the whole house to have to compromise for his dietary needs.

Wouldn't research a thing.

'It's time for you to take care of your own health. Add what you need to the shopping list. If you want special meals you'll need to prepare them yourself, it's not a restaurant.'

PaperFlowers4 · 10/05/2019 08:11

Honestly I need to read up on ibs and figure out recipes/meals that would be suitable

No he needs to do this, not you. He’s a bloody adult!

NabooThatsWho · 10/05/2019 08:13

He needs to take responsibility for himself and not put it all on you. Stuffing bread down his throat and then moaning 🙄

He needs to research and sit down look at recipes with you and you can meal plan together.

Original poster
ChelseaMumma · 10/05/2019 08:17

He knew we were having macaroni, he was with me when I bought it and said nothing. He saw me making it and again said nothing. I gave him his plate and he said nothing. When I went to bed he started moaning at me.

He used to pick up micro rice packs for when he didn't want whatever me and kids were having.

If he had said anything when I was cooking I could have put something else in for him. Or he could have cooked something after. He actually took his plate with out saying anything and ATE IT ALL.

If he hadn't of moaned about it after I wouldn't have known it set his stomach off. But that could also have been all the bread he ate that day.

He works from 5am- 3/4pm and I'm at home so cooking is my job as he is knackered when he gets home, but he could try communicating. I'm more worried about getting my 5 year old to eat right now than a fully functioning adult.

OP posts:
Socksey · 10/05/2019 08:18

Um.... he eats pizza.... last time I looked that had bread and cheese....
He chooses and hears this himself.... but has a go at OP for making and serving him macaroni cheese 🙄🤔

Socksey · 10/05/2019 08:18

Heats not hears

misskatamari · 10/05/2019 08:19

He's definitely being unreasonable if he is refusing to play any role in the planning or preparation of meals. If he was doing that then i'm sure you would feel much more likely to want to help cater to him. If he's snaffling down mounds of bread, which he knows are a trigger, then why should you be making extra efforts to plan for him.

I've been getting really interested in gut health the last few years, after having gallbladder issues and discovering the link between gut health and mental health, and have found this book really good www.amazon.co.uk/Food-Happy-Gut-Recipes-Nourish/dp/1472245113/ref=sr_1_1?s=gateway&keywords=food+for+a+happy+gut&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&qid=1557472483&sr=8-1 It's got a lot of info at the start about different conditions affecting the gut, and also some lovely recipes, split in to sections on calming the gut, healing it and nourishing it. I got mine out of the library before buying it. and our local library had a few similar type recipe books, so might be worth having a look through your local library catalogue, if you're a member, as there might be some good recipe books with things that you can all enjoy as a family, which will help dh.

But yes, he needs to take some responsibility. He is a grown man!

TheSandgroper · 10/05/2019 08:21

I would inform dh that until he advises me of what he needs in the dietary line, as part of an informed discussion, he doesn't have ibs. He is a grown man with his own problem. You are not unreasonable in that you have a whole family to cater for, you are not unreasonable in that you can expect him to a) research his own condition, b) educate you as the shopper/cook and c) not complain if he makes no effort and suffers the consequences.

I come from a house full of dietary intolerances and we make it work. Adults are expected to behave as such. Dteen is expected to make some decisions with support.

Damntheman · 10/05/2019 08:22

Yeah no cooking is NOT your job alone. He needs to take on at least two days. He can do the weekend meals if he's so pathetic he can't make a dinner after work (like everyone else who works full time seems to manage).

He's not doing himself any favours by not cooking, and he's certainly not doing your DS any favours who will grow up believing in 'women's work'.

kateandme · 10/05/2019 08:25

you need to ask him his triggers.ibs is certain foods for some.the recipes you find for ibs are for common triggers they see but some peope can manage those foods fine and not others.
my friend is fine with milk and pasta but cant stand cucumber or oats,peppers etc.but also some times can manage things and not when she is stressed.its all relative so it need a conversation with him.

TooTrueToBeGood · 10/05/2019 08:26

He works from 5am- 3/4pm and I'm at home so cooking is my job as he is knackered when he gets home

He's not that knackered that he's going to bed as soon as he gets in though and cooking is neither mentally nor physically demanding. You are his partner, not his mother or his maid.

TheSerenDipitY · 10/05/2019 08:27

ok... try this, for the next few shopping trips, either buy no foods he can eat or buy them but hide them so he cant find them ( and only use while he is at work) and watch him bitch and moan because you are denying him his fave foods!!!

SuperheroBirds · 10/05/2019 08:34

I wouldn’t cook something that my husband shouldn’t/doesn’t eat, and I’d be really annoyed if he did it to me. But, we do share cooking duties, so that I cook half the week and he cooks the other half.

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