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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he could cook his own meals??

203 replies

ChelseaMumma · 10/05/2019 06:53

DH has ibs and apparently I'm meant to be cooking to suit this.

We have four dc and I cook meals that I know they will mostly eat.

DH is 34 and perfectly capable of making his own food.

Last night I cooked macaroni cheese as eldest requested it. In bed DH had a go at me as he wasn't feeling great and I should know better than to cook food with cheese in. I told him I didn't force him to eat it and he could make his own food if he had a problem. He ignored that and carried on moaning.

I absolutely hate cooking anyway so aibu to think he could make his own dinner if he doesn't like what I cook?

OP posts:
LizB62A · 10/05/2019 10:19

To be honest, he's the one with the condition and he's a grownup not a kid. It's up to him to research what he can and can't eat AND STICK TO IT.
Tell him if he provides recipes that he can eat and that also suit the rest of the family, that you will cook them for him.
BUT - if he continues to eat stuff like bread that he then says he shouldn't, I wouldn't bother cooking him special meals as he can't be bothered to look after his own help.

I have IBS, I tried FODMAP - it's very restrictive and didn't really help my IBS. I avoid bread, onion, garlic and dairy (I react to anything made from cow's milk - goat's milk/cheese is fine)

He needs to start helping himself and act like a grown up

Annasgirl · 10/05/2019 10:19

@Marianovella, I realise now that you think SAHM is there as a maid. She is not. You might be there to treat your DH like a 1050's housewife, the rest of us, who also do lots of other jobs including volunteering as the OP does, are not.

LizB62A · 10/05/2019 10:20

look after his own health not help !

MariaNovella · 10/05/2019 10:20

I disagree about the research because ultimately the person doing the catering needs the scientific knowledge at their fingertips. Both the OP and her husband need scientific knowledge about IBS and to make appropriation shopping/cooking/eating decisions. Correct feeding for health is a continuum and a team effort.

Annasgirl · 10/05/2019 10:21

Also, OP said in her first post that there was food in the freezer to suit DH - I'm sure even a 1950's man could manage to reheat that for himself - or should she have done that too???

MariaNovella · 10/05/2019 10:22

A maid receives instructions from the mistress of the house. The mistress of the house has the knowledge to take informed decisions as to how to run her household efficiently and in the interests of the wellbeing of the whole family.

foreverhanging · 10/05/2019 10:22

Oh do fuck off maria

Original poster
ChelseaMumma · 10/05/2019 10:22

@MariaNovella I listen to my families needs thank you very much!

DH is an adult, he should be able to communicate and act like an adult. My teenager is more vocal about food than DH is. I do my best for him, we have been together 14 years. I'm sick and tired of being blamed for his lack of self restraint.

OP posts:
Annasgirl · 10/05/2019 10:23

@foreverhanging - thanks you took the words out of my mouth.

OP sorry for the derail. You were not being unreasonable.

AryaStarkWolf · 10/05/2019 10:23

Also, OP said in her first post that there was food in the freezer to suit DH - I'm sure even a 1950's man could manage to reheat that for himself - or should she have done that too???

It sounds like the OP's DH wants to eat whatever he likes but then blame the OP if it doesn't agree with him, he's not taking any steps himself to eat the right things, even when she makes him suitable meals he makes them unsuitable by adding cheese

Serialweightwatcher · 10/05/2019 10:24

He should be looking up his condition and taking responsibility for finding out what he should/shouldn't have ... he shouldn't be blaming you for his flare ups when he can't be bothered to make something different ... he needs to buy stuff for lunch without bread if that bothers him and if you want to help, maybe you could make soups and freeze portions so he could have for lunch and maybe he could go buy some ready meals for M&S for his dinner that don't contain anything triggering, but he's a prat for blaming you when he knew he couldn't have cheese

Daenerys77 · 10/05/2019 10:25

If he really has IBS he will probably have been advised by his doctor to follow the FODMAPS diet, which is quite restrictive and it would not be fair to expect the whole family to follow it also. It sounds harsh but he is an adult and it's his condition, so the responsibility for managing it is his and that includes cooking his own meals if necessary. If he were a child and could not cook or shop for himself, I agree his parents would have to do so on his behalf.

MariaNovella · 10/05/2019 10:25

I'm sick and tired of being blamed for his lack of self restraint.

This can be very wearing but he is an adult male working FT so you need to shop for meals that suit him and fill him up.

AryaStarkWolf · 10/05/2019 10:27

This can be very wearing but he is an adult male working FT so you need to shop for meals that suit him and fill him up.

murmurmur

Lunde · 10/05/2019 10:30

He needs to take responsibility for his condition and stop blaming OP when he knowingly stuffs himself with trigger foods

MariaNovella · 10/05/2019 10:30

This reply has been deleted

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Annasgirl · 10/05/2019 10:31

Ok I call it - Maria is a troll. Should not have fed it.

MariaNovella · 10/05/2019 10:33

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foreverhanging · 10/05/2019 10:33

I reported 'her' @Annasgirl

Wheresthebeach · 10/05/2019 10:36

Why not sit down and discuss it? Maybe he's really struggling with this. If you were struggling with a health issue maybe a bit of support and sympathy would go a long way.

When DH cooks he wouldn't cook something I couldn't eat - end of. He doesn't judge that based on my behaviour during the day!

If it was the other way around, and a husband was blatantly ignoring the health needs of the wife, and blaming her for that, I think the responses would be very different.

We're all idiots from time to time, especially if we're embarrassed, and IBS can be embarrassing. Do a meal plan that works for everyone.

SmarmyMrMime · 10/05/2019 10:37

He needs to take responsibility for himself and make sure he doesn't trigger himself on binges, and to involve himself with what is and isn't suitable. That doesn't mean totally seperate catering, but it does mean involvment and engagement at some stage in the process of food preparation.

Catering for a family with varying needs is a PITA. I always make sure that there is something that everyone can eat. I've got a few different intolerances. DS1 is very sensory about food textures (potential SN) and had a history of multiple allergies. DS2 can't eat too many tomatoes. DH doesn't like many of the same veg as DS1, and doesn't like fish. Some adaptions are easy such as putting a piece of chicken in at the same time as fish. I might adapt a recipe such as saving the meat and sauce from a bolognese before turning the rest into a lasange that DS1 was allergic to, or taking a chunky sauce and blitzing down a portion to make it smooth.

Everyone needs feeding, and I'll do it on as little work as possible.

What isn't reasonable is being passive about it then moaning after.

Onecutefox · 10/05/2019 10:41

The reason why he isn't communicating with you, OP is because he thinks you should plan his meals by yourself as you don't work. He is one of those entitled husbands.
If he can't cook because he is tired or because he can't cook from scratch then he needs to help you with planning his meals. If he can't plan the meals then he should write down the list of foods he can't eat. Keep this list somewhere in the kitchen so he can add new ingredients (in a different colour pen so he doesn't blame you for not seeing them;)).

mumwon · 10/05/2019 10:43

you can get gluten free pasta & the type of cheese you use is important -I was told by my dietician that proper mature cheddar is OK as the lactose content is more digestible but use lactose free milk or milk alternative - lactose free cows milk is easily available these days & doesnt have a bad after taste in fact it just tastes of milk!
www.nhs.uk/conditions/irritable-bowel-syndrome-ibs/further-help-and-support/

this explains FODMAP diet as well - does he have medication? Wheat Bread is the worst thing to eat for most of us - many gluten free breads are not great but Tescos brown is passable, Genius (I like the brown but multiseed is OK too) my favourite is Schar - though the loaves are small. You can get gf pizzas & pizza bases. I do find eating smaller meals more frequently helps ; it does depend on how ibs affects you ie slow transit & bloat, runny tummy, or mixed as to what medication might help - is he under doctor or is it self diagnosed?

MariaNovella · 10/05/2019 10:48

It isn’t trolling to have a different, backed up, point of view.

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