To think he could cook his own meals??

[ChelseaMumma]

DH has ibs and apparently I'm meant to be cooking to suit this.

We have four dc and I cook meals that I know they will mostly eat.

DH is 34 and perfectly capable of making his own food.

Last night I cooked macaroni cheese as eldest requested it. In bed DH had a go at me as he wasn't feeling great and I should know better than to cook food with cheese in. I told him I didn't force him to eat it and he could make his own food if he had a problem. He ignored that and carried on moaning.

I absolutely hate cooking anyway so aibu to think he could make his own dinner if he doesn't like what I cook?

A bit unreasonable. If you are all eating at the same time then I would make something he can eat too or at least bung him a jacket potato in. Seems he is not taking it seriously (bread, pizza) and you are following him.

How sure are you that the diagnosis was actually IBS to be treated only with dietary changes? If this is just what H has reported the GP having said, then it might well be that he's had a bout of the shits from too much booze and has found a way to make himself all interesting and special - and to keep you scurrying around after him, always feeling in the wrong.
Because he's not just expecting you to rearrange the whole family's diet to accommodate him, but he's repeatedly setting you up to fail by eating the wrong foods, giving you no warning of what he can or can't have when the wind's in the wrong quarter, and trying to catch you out.
Was he like this before he had a collywobble, by any chance?

I think the simplest solution here is the IBS friendly ready meals in the freezer and/or set a deadline by which if foods aren't requested they aren't bought for the next week.

Or always have salad and rice in. Healthy! (disclaimer: I don't know about IBS so maybe salad isn't great either).

He sounds awkward and unable to articulate what he really wants until he's eaten it, finds it disagrees with him then moans.
If he's up at 5am (that's bloody early) and back early PM, but you're a SAHM i don't really get why you are huffing and puffing about having to cook. Sorry but isn't this part of just making the home run ok for the kids and the person who is earning your money?
In my house we have a vegetarian, a low cholesterol eater (DH), a gluten intolerant (me) and one 'normal' person (DS). This would be a typical 7 day weekly dinner format for us...mid week, I like one-pan meals or oven jobs. I can't say I love cooking but I do it.

• Risotto (add peas, spinach) - chicken or shrimp on top for meatys
• Naked Burritos - rice pouches, Guac, beany pan mix, grated cheese, cold chicken for meaties.
• Pesto pasta (add fine beans & peas) - salmon on top for meatys. Use 50/50 wholewheat pasta better for IBS people.
• Superfood salad - spinach, baked butternut, lentils, pine nuts, mozarrela, drizzle basalmic.
• Vegan chillie on jacket spuds
• Curry night - shrimp or chicken or Veggie with naans and rice.
• Omelette & salad night with spicy wedges.
• Thai green curry (2 pans) veggies and chicken version - rice pouches or sticky Thai rice - add all greens to the main stews.

It is a struggle as I do x 2 cooking shifts at 6:15 and 9pm. But with planning I make it work fine. Family's needs do change as everyone gets older....and you might actually find OP that your diet has to change too at some point and you have to make adaptations for yourself! Eating a lot of cheesy calorie loaded foods often doesn't suit people into middle age - sorry, but that's the truth.

Wow you're being incredibly unsympathetic IBS can be debilitating. Cooking for IBS isn't actually that difficult once you know about FODMAPs, eliminating FODMAPs eases symptoms for the majority of sufferers and frankly worked miracles for me. Read up on the fantastic research from Monash University. The FODMAP free diet is supported by NICE and there are NHS trained dieticians now who can advise you although getting a referral from GP might be tricky. You should get the Monash University app which will help you identify foods and there are multiple FODMAP cook books.

www.monashfodmap.com

A long but worthwhile lecture on FODMAPs by the research lead. www.youtube.com/watch?v=ByszVbFBPtY

A shorter video since you seem to be low on patience so the long one might not get a look in
www.youtube.com/watch?v=UAovcNnb3XA

All being UR in my opinion. We have various dietary issues, so we cook to accommodate. Wouldn't dream of a family meal that makes one person sick.

Sit down, like grown ups, and sort out a sensible plan. He's working, your at home I think, so you do the cooking. That's not an unreasonable arrangement (I work from home so do the cooking, otherwise dinner would be crazy late, DH does weekend cooking).

You're more worried about your child's picky eating than a medical condition?

I think if you were both working equal hours it would be for him to sort his meals. But given that you’re SAHP and making all the meals I think you have some input.

Some people who have problems with cows’ cheese are fine with sheep and goat’s - which are easily available. If it’s the gluten in bread that causes him problems, there’s loads of non-wheat pasta to use for macaroni cheese.

Both of you need to sort out what foods are problematic and stock alternatives in the house. He has to be involved in that process as he needs to decide what alternatives he prefers.

I think YABU, both our children have been dairy intolerant and as they were breast fed I couldn't eat dairy/soy myself. I would have been pretty upset if my DH made something I couldn't eat and told me to fend for myself.

That being said it must be hard to take him seriously if he is choosing to eat things that upset his IBS on a regular basis, so if that's the case then he is being unfair to pick and choose when he wants to play by the rules and when he doesn't.

Cooking for IBS isn't actually that difficult once you know about FODMAPs, eliminating FODMAPs eases symptoms for the majority of sufferers and frankly worked miracles for me.

FODMAP may have worked for you but not for me. It’s simply not true that it eases the symptoms for the ‘majority’ with IBS. It simply helps some people. IBS is a very individual condition, people have different triggers, and those triggers don’t always affect them.

Grief she is not his mother nor his nurse. She shouldn't have to do the research into HIS medical condition alone, neither should she have to police what he does and does not put in his mouth. He needs to start having input and taking responsibility for his own dietary requirements. If he won't do the research and suggest suitable meals then he doesn't get to bitch about what ends up on the table.

It's not unsympathetic to refuse to play nurse to an adult who should be capable of pitching in and helping! Wow some of you people.. (and I say this as someone who regularly cooks for people with awkward dietary requirements. Those people actually let me know what they can and cannot eat and even suggest recipes. Shocking that adults can do that isn't it!)

Honestly as you’re at home fully I think you need to take more responsibility here. If you were both working full time then fair enough he should share the cooking - but the person at home should do more of the housework / cooking. You definitely need to research his dietary requirements. You have 12 hours a day to do this and it doesn’t take much to Google a IBS friendly recipe.

I think YABU, both our children have been dairy intolerant and as they were breast fed I couldn't eat dairy/soy myself. I would have been pretty upset if my DH made something I couldn't eat and told me to fend for myself

Ah yes but if you had not TOLD your DH that you couldn't have dairy, and had said nothing as you watched him buy cheese and milk to make dinner with, then you wouldn't have a leg to stand on when dinner time rolled around and you couldn't eat it. Would you?

it doesn’t take much to Google a IBS friendly recipe

It really doesn't, does it! So DH can do it himself and take some responsibiility for his own needs. THEN he can send OP the recipes he likes and can eat so she can get on with it. Isn't that simple and easy!

I don’t know. I would happily match my husband in doing this but I couldn’t be the only one responsible for his health. I dont think I’d do anything until he had some meal ideas, and if he voluntarily stuffed down a trigger food (the bread) how he feels later is on him not me. I’d stop cooking for him full stop - there’s none for you, it might be a trigger food. Let me know when you have the list of bad foods and some meal ideas. Until then you’re the one who knows that stuff, you’re the one with the condition , you’re the one that has to take responsibility.

I'm assuming that everyone who says "let him take responsibility for his own needs" must all live in mega sized kitchens with mega sized fridges. We don't and most people don't. The reality is a tight prep area with me or him (one person) largely making for everyone - there just isn't the practical time or space to have people milling around knocking out their own dishes - donget bloody real people. Also the man is up at 5am - I'm surprised he can think about anything beyond a mug of coffee at that time!

My dh is up early. He cooks in the evenings , or goes to do a big shop etc. We both work so that’s how it is. The ops dh could cook on the weekends. Or he could not cook at all, say to his wife these are things I can’t eat, and some meal ideas, and some snacks id like. If you could make those meals and avoid x y z I’d really appreciate it. He doesn’t even have to cook! The op just wants him taking some responsibility!

Taking responsibility for his own needs does not equate to making all his own meals seperately. It means he needs to a) stop eating the bread even if it's in the house and b) do some actual research and tell OP what he can and cannot eat. Preferably supply her with some appropriate recipes. What he is doing right now is sweet FA and then complaining when his bowel gets rage filled.

Can't you buy him a recipe book for people with ibs and tell him to learn to cook?

I also know a LOT of women who are up at 5am with their toddlers/small babies and still manage to think enough to feed their families at dinner time. A man is surely capable of it too.

His an adult why did he eat a meal with cheese in if it apparently makes him ill??

It would be unfair for you and the dc never to enjoy cheese etc in your meals again.

I imagine some meals could be easily adapted to him but on nights your having something he can’t eat surely he can cook something for himself? He can work a cooker right?

Also sounds like you do all the cooking why? He could cook on his days off work at least.....l.

I think it's reasonable to try to cook something everyone will eat when you can , but also everyone should get what they like occasionally and others put up with it or have something frozen/microwaved/ cook themself. He and everyone over 12 should cook once or twice a week unless they really can't or you want to, otherwise it's relentless.

@Damn - I agree with you. So they just need to talk better. He ought to get some allergen tests run too to work out the triggers. Gluten is a funny one. Often people find just subbing gluten items makes symptoms ease within a couple of weeks and then they never want to go back. But I know cooked tomatoes, diary etc can all cause the same heartburn, farty or diahorrea symptoms if that's what he's getting.

This is a tricky one. I have IBS and it can be a real challenge to manage it, so on the one hand I do think you should try to help him out as much as possible.

On the other hand though, I don’t see how you can unless he starts identifying his triggers and works with you on finding meals that work.

His doctor should have suggested he follows the FODMAP diet to identify his triggers. It may be worth him going back to the GP to ask for more information on how to manage his IBS

I’m sure all the suggestions here are well intended, but there is no one size fits all diet for people with IBS. The FODMAP diet eliminates all of the most common triggers, but it shouldn’t be used long term as it is so restrictive.

It’s worth doing though. I used to think absolutely everything made me ill, so there was little point not eating things. Your DH may be thinking along the same lines, which is why he’s still eating bread?

After the diet, I realised that the list of things to avoid is actually quite short. It just happens to be things that are in most preprepared foods (e.g. dairy, onion, potatoes).

I think it is reasonable for whoever is cooking the family meal to cater for the whole family in terms of medical and dietary needs (faddy diets or pickiness - tough).

You should either cook a meal for everyone that is suitable or adapt a portion for him or if the rest of the family really want something unsuitable provide a simple alternative.

However, he is being unreasonable in not communicating what he can and can't eat or helping with ideas. He is being very unreasonable eating known triggers and blaming you for buying them.

www.ibsdiets.org/fodmap-diet/fodmap-food-list/

IBS diet list. 2 minutes on google. Not difficult for anyone to look up.