Told off by nursery staff member - AIBU?

[SinkGirl]

This happened when I was picking my twins up yesterday, and for some reason it has really really upset me and is on my mind this morning.

My twin boys are 2.5, they both have ASD. They have been going to nursery two mornings a week since January and they love it there. One is in the baby room due to his developmental delays, the other is in the toddler room.

The staff know that my life with the boys is a whirlwind with all of the appointments, therapy, and work we are doing with them - on top of being a mum and a carer I’m basically a full time PA managing everything.

Yesterday I was waiting on a call from a consultant with some information on a test one of the boys needs to have.

I went into the toddler room to get one of the boys, there were two members of staff and three toddlers including mine (the others were asleep with the dividing blind down). I’d been in there a few minutes and they were filling me in on what he’d been up to as always, when my phone rang. Withheld number so probably the hospital - I said excuse me and went to the corner of the room to answer it.

After about 60 seconds, the room leader came over looking very concerned and said “can you get off your phone?” in a very abrupt way. The other staff member was changing my son’s nappy at the time so I thought maybe there was something wrong, so I apologised to the consultant and said I would need to call her back.

But no, she just wanted me off the phone. I then realised they must have a rule about parents not being on their phones in there, which I totally understand, but it was really important - she must have heard I was talking to his consultant from what I was saying.

If that’s the rule (which I wasn’t aware of as I’d never normally be using my phone when collecting them) that’s totally fine, but she could have just asked me to step outside until I was done - the way she told me to get off the phone made me think she needed to talk to me urgently for some reason.

I couldn’t get hold of his consultant afterwards and she’s not in now until mid next week so I won’t be able to get the info I need until then.

I don’t know why this has upset me so much - it’s made me feel like they think I’m a shitty distracted parent, I guess. It’s not like I was on Facebook or playing a game. It’s so hard trying to juggle everything and they are well aware of this. I hate breaking the rules and I hate people thinking I’m a bad parent (which happens a lot when you have toddlers with ASD!).

I think a large part of my reaction is the fact that I’m a dreadful perfectionist and never feel like I’m doing a good enough job. I’m sure most people would think I’m overreacting and to be honest I agree that I am, but it’s really bothering me much more than it should.

If she’d just asked me to step out or gestured for me to do so I would of course have done that, I would never knowingly break a rule like this. We’ve spent a lot of time at children’s centres where you’re not allowed to use your phone at all and I never have.

Argh, why am I so upset about this? Am I just being ridiculous?

You're over thinking this, understandibly though. Usual nursery/school practice is blanket ban on mobile phone use, this will usually be written in the nurseries terms and conditions that everybody has but like 99% of people you skim read then file! Admittidly they could have been less abrupt.

It's safeguarding the other children simple as that.

You are definitely overthinking this. Nurseries take safeguarding so seriously. You cannot use a mobile in any nursery I know, at all. It is to safeguard the children from adults taking photographs of the children on their phones. It’s unfortunate it was such a vital call for you and that must be upsetting but try and see if from the nursery’s point of view. They can’t be nice, they have to be firm. If she had been seen not informing you of the policy she could have been reported herself for putting the children at risk by not stopping you.

There was no need for her to be so abrupt it was rude. I would either have a word with her or speak to the manager.
It might have been an idea to say, “ Excuse me this will be the hospital consultant.” Then the staff would have been aware it was an important call not a friend calling for a chat.

Give yourself a break here SinkGirl . It wasn't a huge thing but it upset you because you were stressed generally. That's ok, we're allowed to feel how we feel but don't go over it in your head making yourself feel worse. Someone saying "can you get off the phone" doesn't mean anyone thinks you're a shitty parent, that's you losing perspective and assuming something that wasn't said.

She was certainly abrupt and should have been more polite but I'd guess (given how a lot of people are with their phones nowadays) they regularly have parents delaying/getting in the way/waking little ones while they take calls. So she may just have shown her stress and frustration because you happened to be the 5th in a row. That's unfortunate it doesn't warrant getting too worked up.

Irs a standard rule enforced in every nursery.
Let it go

I think maybe offer an 'apology' that's not really one, so just explaining it was an urgent call from the consultant and whilst you recognise you ought to have stepped out to answer it, you picked up quickly /not thinking due to the importance of the call. It gets your point across and challenges any assumptions, although I'm sure they'll think nothing more of it anyway it might make you feel better to have given the context.

OP YANBU-There was no excuse whatsoever for the member of staff to speak rudely. She could have informed you politely but firmly, then followed it up with an explanation and apology. That wouldn't have compromised safeguarding.

If it has upset you, complain. Tell them that you are grateful that they take safeguarding seriously BUT bad manners are not acceptable. How can they be trusted to set an appropriate example to the children if they can't be polite themselves?

It’s standard. I also think if it’s an important call you would step outside anyway.
How “ vital” was the call if you now can’t get the information until next week? Do you think your phone might be making over dependant on having information immediately and therefore stressed when you can’t?

It’s standard safeguarding policy. Don’t beat yourself and certainly don’t be angry.

If it happens again just say “so sorry it’s the hospital” and then go right out of the room to answer it.

Yes, you should have just gone out of the room while gesturing ‘doctor’ at the woman.
I wouldn’t give this any more thought. Don’t let it upset you further. Xx

Mobile phones are such a big no no in nurseries due to obvious safeguarding reasons that the nursery are probably just a bit jumpy. They could get into big trouble if it was reported. What you have written they said is not rude in my opinion but you obviously didn’t like the tone it was made in. I think you are being a teeny bit unreasonable but it is truly understandable with the stress that you are under and I hunk it is more then not being able to get back in touch with the consultant that is upsetting you the most. If you could have called them straight back, you would have forgotten this episode I am sure.

YABU. Those are the rules. You broke the rules. You were told, and now it's over. There's absolutely no need to stew over over it - I promise the nursery staff member isn't. I recognise it was important, but they weren't to know that, and the rules are very clear. They may not have asked in a the worlds most polite way, but it was hardly being horrid to you.

You're upset because you're under an absolute ton of pressure and you're trying desperately to do everything right. So somebody criticizing you like that is bound to hit a nerve. You feel you've been accused of the one thing you dread: not being a good enough mother. So of course it's upset you.
I would first of all say you did not do wrong. It was an important call about your child so you took it because you're trying to do the right thing for that child.
The other thing is, you should speak up for yourself so you can feel better.
Next time in nursery, find the staff member and just clearly say that you absolutely agree with the no phones policy and you would never have taken the call had it not been an emergency hospital matter.
You shouldn't have to justify yourself but in your case I think you'll feel better if you do this. Stress how important the call was for your child so she fully understands and add that you didn't appreciate the way you were spoken to. You weren't making a hairdresser appointment!
Good luck with your boys. I have one little asd GC. Two at once must be very hard work indeed

You should have left the room. It is standard that mobiles can’t be used inside nurseries. Your call was clearly important but the rules around safeguarding are there for a reason. Your reaction is a bit disproportionate. My husband forgot one day while we were at a sports day in the school field next door. He was asked to stop too. He just said sorry and got on with his life. I’d be more concerned if they had allowed you to finish the call to be honest.

You can't have your phone out in a setting for children. It will be the same in school.

I take it you didn't know that, otherwise you would have gone out of the building to take the call. Given that, just chalk it up to experience and next time go outside to phone back.

say that you absolutely agree with the no phones policy and you would never have taken the call had it not been an emergency

You can't just ignore safeguarding procedures because you think your stuff is more important.

Rules are rules, the nursery can't just sometimes safeguard children because they know bits about a parent's life, that rule has to be in place for everyone at all times. Every parent should know the policy which is probably why she was so abrupt. Perhaps you should have left to take the call (or at that point asked the consultant to hold, put your phone in your pocket and taken the call outside).

Otherwise, you have to stop being so hard on yourself. You can aspire to be one and try your hardest but I'm of the belief that the perfect parent does not exist. I struggle with one toddler, a job, bills, life admin, cleaning and a shared responsibility of cooking. I cannot imagine what it must be like for you. Be kinder to yourself

At my son's preschool you're not even allowed to take your phone into the room, they're very very strict about it. But they definitely should have made you aware of the rule and could have asked you in a more polite way.

You were in the wrong here, you need to accept it and move on. She shouldn't have been so abrupt but mobile phones are not allowed in nurseries at all.
It would have been the same missed call had you have been driving and unable to answer etc
It's not the nurseries fault you now have to wait until next week

YANBU. You needed to take that call.

MN is bizarre at times. I'd have taken the call and I understand why you hung up - you didn't know whether something is wrong.
At the end of the day - you'll get in touch with the consultant next week.
The nursery were dicks. I hope you get through to the consultant again soon.

I've had to take a similar call from my GP while my manager was talking to me at work. You just gotta prioritise what you gotta prioritise.

It will all be fine in the end.

I doubt they were thinking anything negative about you at all. Their policies are just so strict that if anyone else saw you and complained it could get them in quite a lot of trouble. The room leader probably just panicked. Try not to worry about it.

I would have said to her "sorry this is the hospital/ a doctor/ very important" and stepped outside the room once I'd answered.

I doubt she would have eavesdropped your call to realise it was medical, and 99% of the time when people answer phones it isn't truly urgent.

Also even if it is an important call, you probably still could have walked out the room as you talked. They have good reasons for not wanting people talking on the phone in the room.

I understand you are frustrated, but I don't think the nursery worker is to blame.

As for safeguarding shite - if they can't tell the difference between a mother taking a call from a doctor or a paedophile, then I'm not surprised there are extreme measures in place.

Lunacy.

You should have gone outside and continued the call. There is usually a blanket ban on phones inside childcare settings. It's to safeguard all children.