Told off by nursery staff member - AIBU?

[SinkGirl]

This happened when I was picking my twins up yesterday, and for some reason it has really really upset me and is on my mind this morning.

My twin boys are 2.5, they both have ASD. They have been going to nursery two mornings a week since January and they love it there. One is in the baby room due to his developmental delays, the other is in the toddler room.

The staff know that my life with the boys is a whirlwind with all of the appointments, therapy, and work we are doing with them - on top of being a mum and a carer I’m basically a full time PA managing everything.

Yesterday I was waiting on a call from a consultant with some information on a test one of the boys needs to have.

I went into the toddler room to get one of the boys, there were two members of staff and three toddlers including mine (the others were asleep with the dividing blind down). I’d been in there a few minutes and they were filling me in on what he’d been up to as always, when my phone rang. Withheld number so probably the hospital - I said excuse me and went to the corner of the room to answer it.

After about 60 seconds, the room leader came over looking very concerned and said “can you get off your phone?” in a very abrupt way. The other staff member was changing my son’s nappy at the time so I thought maybe there was something wrong, so I apologised to the consultant and said I would need to call her back.

But no, she just wanted me off the phone. I then realised they must have a rule about parents not being on their phones in there, which I totally understand, but it was really important - she must have heard I was talking to his consultant from what I was saying.

If that’s the rule (which I wasn’t aware of as I’d never normally be using my phone when collecting them) that’s totally fine, but she could have just asked me to step outside until I was done - the way she told me to get off the phone made me think she needed to talk to me urgently for some reason.

I couldn’t get hold of his consultant afterwards and she’s not in now until mid next week so I won’t be able to get the info I need until then.

I don’t know why this has upset me so much - it’s made me feel like they think I’m a shitty distracted parent, I guess. It’s not like I was on Facebook or playing a game. It’s so hard trying to juggle everything and they are well aware of this. I hate breaking the rules and I hate people thinking I’m a bad parent (which happens a lot when you have toddlers with ASD!).

I think a large part of my reaction is the fact that I’m a dreadful perfectionist and never feel like I’m doing a good enough job. I’m sure most people would think I’m overreacting and to be honest I agree that I am, but it’s really bothering me much more than it should.

If she’d just asked me to step out or gestured for me to do so I would of course have done that, I would never knowingly break a rule like this. We’ve spent a lot of time at children’s centres where you’re not allowed to use your phone at all and I never have.

Argh, why am I so upset about this? Am I just being ridiculous?

Mintandthyme

I've picked my sleeping toddler up from a room of sleeping toddler and changed his nappy in the toddler changing room. If it's unusual, then my nursery is unusual.

Quartz-Do you honestly think that speaking to someone abruptly, with no please or thank you is okay? Fortunately not many people would agree with that.

Also "get off the phone" isn't a great way of phrasing things. It sounds aggressive.

All in all, it wouldn't be tolerated in my work environment and I am glad about that.

@mathanxiety - There is a place for common sense and frankly if these nursery workers don't have it I would wonder about trusting them with babies and small children

We have common sense in spades but this is a policy that does not permit any discretion at all. If the owner or manager at any of the settings I have worked in had witnessed it, then the nursery staff would have been subject to disciplinary procedure.

The blanket ban was imposed (I believe) following the case of female nursery workers sexually abusing babies, filming the abuse and sharing the photos/videos with male paedophiles. It's not been the only case, sadly, so the policy is there to protect the children we are paid to safeguard. Doesn't matter if it's a parent taking a call from the Duke of Cambridge or some dodgy bloke who wanders on off the street, mobile phones are not allowed in settings

If you think that the nursery meed to remind parents of the rule then you could suggest to the manager that more signs are put up or an email reminder sent. Then staff won't have to remind parents making both parties feel awkward.

She should have used her judgement and discretion, or at least manners!

I’m amazed that you are allowed into a toddler room where small children are sleeping and one is having a nappy change (albeit your own child). Is that not a bit unusual in nurseries?

The main area is L shaped - I was in the main part of the room, the sleeping children were in the partitioned area off to the side with a large blackout blind down. I couldn’t see them, I just knew they were there because the blind was down.

When the call came in my son was being changed in the bathroom area, which is off the main part of the room, not out in the open.

I’m not sure how else you’d pick your child up from nursery, unless the staff pack up all their stuff and bring them to the front door? I’d find that quite weird though.

Like I say, if I were using my phone’s camera or I were a persistent offender I’d totally understand being shitty. But I am the last person to break rules intentionally, especially when it comes to child safety, and they are very aware of my attitude and intention to do everything correctly. So as I say, I have no problem with the policy being enforced and I feel bad that I broke a rule because I’d missed it - but at the same time I don’t think the phrasing or tone was necessary.

OP, you didn't end the call early unnecessarily. You had to end the call as you were breaching the nursery's safeguarding policy of no mobile phones out in the nursery rooms.

I understand you have a lot of paperwork to deal with and feel overwhelmed.
The nursery worker wasn't rude she helped you by quickly asking to to get off your phone, so you didn't further breach the policy and cause a SG incident. And now you are aware of policy you might see signs up or it clearly marked in nursery pack. Good job. All sorted. Except you are ruminating in it

It wouldn’t normally be a factor as I usually leave my phone in the car, I only had it as I was waiting for this call specifically.

Next time if you were waiting for an urgent call, it's better to be very quick on picking up or say I'm waiting for an urgent call, than stay and chat knowing you could be interrupted & have to drop everything to leave. I'd go back to leaving it in the car tbh.
A message would have been better.
I'm always aware where I discuss private things about my children or their health on phone and wouldn't expect to do so in a room of other children and people, regardless of safeguarding or not.

I really think you should let it go. Maybe admit to yourself that part of how bad you are feeling and the justifying reasons, are that one bit of you recognises you'd accidentally done something against safegaurding rule & is telling you off too. The nursery didn't make a big deal about it and I don't think you should either it's not helpful to your emotional health.

No what I am saying is that at no point in the post does the OP say that they were rude only that they came over and said can you get off the phone because she wanted to get the OP off the phone and as the OP said was very concerned about her policy being breached.

It is a statutory requirement to have a policy in place about mobile phone in nurseries they were merely following that

Meh, you know now. Perhaps they're fed up of having to remind people. If you weren't on your phone she would not have been rude. It's easily fixed by you not taking calls in nursery as per the rules. I know you're busy but safeguarding rules apply to busy people too

People who don't work in settings with children obviously don't see how major a factor safeguarding has become. I work in a school and it is our number one priority above all else. We have very strict policies and lots of training. It runs through everything we do. Whether you agree with Ofsted or not, they have the power to close settings down if even one element of safeguarding is deemed inadequate.

It may seem overkill if you are the parent picking up your DC from nursery with your phone in your hand for 5 minutes, but no setting wants to be the one that is vilified in the news if something did happen, however unlikely.

I’m amazed that you are allowed into a toddler room where small children are sleeping and one is having a nappy change (albeit your own child). Is that not a bit unusual in nurseries?

How else would you drop them off/collect them? The only other way would be to wait in the foyer, somehow page into the room that you were there for drop off/pick up and for a carer to leave the room to come out to get the child OR have to stuff around in the room ensuring their bag was all packed up, they had everything and bring them out. They wouldn’t want to communicate about your child’s day or any relevant information as they would need to get back in the room pronto. I imagine that would stuff up time they needed to do things and also the staff ratio in the room.

The staff in the room are keeping an eye on the kids and also parents so a parent could not go up and touch a child (that’s not theirs) and would have no direct access to touch a child having their nappy changed as a carer would be changing the nappy and would not allow you to come over and stand beside them while doing it for instance.

Well, unless things have changed that’s the way it was when mine went to care many many years ago.

I would have been impressed if I'd observed her tell you and make sure you followed the rules.

YWBU

Exactly DippyAvocado - the Head of our school is a stickler for these things and brought some new policies in place. It did seem a little much until there was a incident where the school needed to be put into lockdown mode and it all made sense

The fact is the mobile phone policy is probably what allows them to have parents come in and collect based on risk assessment and you taking a phone call in the room where children were went against all that - its not like you even went into a break room where there were children,

Yes I think telling them you were waiting for an urgent call would be helpful

Sorry op, but you could easily have said I'll take it outside as it's important and done so without hanging up.

Yes she said get off your phone, but you don't need to do exactly as you're told, you could have found an alternate solution. Ie just say hold on I'll take it outside. And walked out talking to the consultant.

Let the call go op, the consultant would have called back

Can’t believe some of the responses on here - silly policies, silly Ofsted etc. We’re talking about Safeguarding children here! I used to work at a Nursery and had to attend safeguarding courses and had to hear about things I really didn’t want to hear. Don’t blame nursery staff for the policies they have in place (which are a legal requirement by the way), blame the scum that are the reason why these policies exist!... and no, unfortunately its not a case of staff being allowed to be subjective “oh well little Alfies mum is fine so we’ll let her use her phone”

We have common sense in spades but this is a policy that does not permit any discretion at all. If the owner or manager at any of the settings I have worked in had witnessed it, then the nursery staff would have been subject to disciplinary procedure.

I’m not saying that they should have used their discretion and let me continue - I totally understand now that it’s a rule, and it’s in place for a very good reason. That doesn’t mean she couldn’t have asked me to take it outside (even if her tone had been as shitty, I wouldn’t be as upset because I could have at least completed the call).

Yes, I will suggest they put a sign on the front door and post a reminder in the Facebook group.

I’m just as upset that I broke the rule in the first place as I am about being spoken to like crap and by ending the call when I could have continued it.

I am normally a very thorough person but between DLA applications, portage, starting an autism course, SALT, reading up on and trying to teach them PECS, five separate consultants, trying to fight for some occupational therapy, starting the EHCP process for two children at once, looking round specialist schools, medical tests, handling all the paperwork before our genetics appointment next week, arranging to visit specialist schools (and that’s not even getting into my job or all the other things I have to do)... sometimes I forget or miss things. I have lists for my lists, calendars, wall planners, phone reminders... my brain is fried. They know this, because much of the stuff I have to do gets passed on to them when it’s done.

No, they shouldn’t be making exceptions. That’s not the point.

You made a mistake in answering your phone in the nursery, she made a mistake in how she phrased her request for you to not be on your phone in the nursery.
We all make mistakes.

*Sorry op, but you could easily have said I'll take it outside as it's important and done so without hanging up.

Yes she said get off your phone, but you don't need to do exactly as you're told, you could have found an alternate solution. Ie just say hold on I'll take it outside. And walked out talking to the consultant.*

You’ve missed the point. I didn’t know about the rule, so when she said get off the phone, I assumed she needed me to get off the phone for some reason. It was only after I ended the call that I realised what she actually meant.

OP, why are you stewing on this? We all have busy lives, we all make mistakes. Next time you know to leave the room if you receive a call. You need to develop a thicker skin!

What is the point though OP?

They probably do have it stated in places (because it would also be a requirement) and other than can you get off the phone what did she actually say?

I think the real reason you are upset is because you ended the call when you could have continued it - but surely you must have an inkling that being on your phone in that room would not be allowed. Its not an unusual policy

There used to be signs at dc nursery and TBH even without the signs my common sense and manners would prevail.

Get over it.

What space is there in your life for you? What things do you do to take care of you?

I've never heard such shite in my life

Agree, never read such shit posts where a person can’t grasp child safety

Op dont carry on stewing over this, the staff wont. Stop feeling bad!

The problem here is that we all think our own stuff is important to you it was sufficiently important to take the call from the consultant that you took a personal call in a children’s room in a nursery, I might have done the same. Someone else might think a call about a hair appointment or late grocery delivery was important enough to take the call in the children’s room, in which case you could end up with a children’s room full of adults, all on what they genuinely consider important and unavoidable calls.

The nursery worker wasn’t to know that your call was the one call in a thousand that was genuinely important. She probably has to remind people of the rule several times a day and so (IMO) can be forgiven for abrupt and tactless about it.

Try to reframe this in your mind. You weren’t ‘told off’ as you phrase it, you had your attention drawn to a rule you were unaware of, by an adult whose main focus is ensuring the safety and care of the children in the nursery.

She didn’t