Told off by nursery staff member - AIBU?

[SinkGirl]

This happened when I was picking my twins up yesterday, and for some reason it has really really upset me and is on my mind this morning.

My twin boys are 2.5, they both have ASD. They have been going to nursery two mornings a week since January and they love it there. One is in the baby room due to his developmental delays, the other is in the toddler room.

The staff know that my life with the boys is a whirlwind with all of the appointments, therapy, and work we are doing with them - on top of being a mum and a carer I’m basically a full time PA managing everything.

Yesterday I was waiting on a call from a consultant with some information on a test one of the boys needs to have.

I went into the toddler room to get one of the boys, there were two members of staff and three toddlers including mine (the others were asleep with the dividing blind down). I’d been in there a few minutes and they were filling me in on what he’d been up to as always, when my phone rang. Withheld number so probably the hospital - I said excuse me and went to the corner of the room to answer it.

After about 60 seconds, the room leader came over looking very concerned and said “can you get off your phone?” in a very abrupt way. The other staff member was changing my son’s nappy at the time so I thought maybe there was something wrong, so I apologised to the consultant and said I would need to call her back.

But no, she just wanted me off the phone. I then realised they must have a rule about parents not being on their phones in there, which I totally understand, but it was really important - she must have heard I was talking to his consultant from what I was saying.

If that’s the rule (which I wasn’t aware of as I’d never normally be using my phone when collecting them) that’s totally fine, but she could have just asked me to step outside until I was done - the way she told me to get off the phone made me think she needed to talk to me urgently for some reason.

I couldn’t get hold of his consultant afterwards and she’s not in now until mid next week so I won’t be able to get the info I need until then.

I don’t know why this has upset me so much - it’s made me feel like they think I’m a shitty distracted parent, I guess. It’s not like I was on Facebook or playing a game. It’s so hard trying to juggle everything and they are well aware of this. I hate breaking the rules and I hate people thinking I’m a bad parent (which happens a lot when you have toddlers with ASD!).

I think a large part of my reaction is the fact that I’m a dreadful perfectionist and never feel like I’m doing a good enough job. I’m sure most people would think I’m overreacting and to be honest I agree that I am, but it’s really bothering me much more than it should.

If she’d just asked me to step out or gestured for me to do so I would of course have done that, I would never knowingly break a rule like this. We’ve spent a lot of time at children’s centres where you’re not allowed to use your phone at all and I never have.

Argh, why am I so upset about this? Am I just being ridiculous?

Argh, why am I so upset about this? Am I just being ridiculous?

Your story reminds me of the Ware sequence in psychology. My guess is that out of Thinking, Feeling and Behaviour, Behaviour is your trap door. You are already trying so hard to get everything done and perfectly so, that when your behaviour is challenged it is a huge criticism of who you are.

If you are interested in this, and want to read up on it, your mention of aiming for perfection suggests that you have a Brilliant-Skeptic personality adaptation.

Safeguard children from what??????????

@JaynePoole

I've never heard such shite in my life.

She's upset because she was taking an important call and was made to feel like a bold child, for no bloody reason which ended in her not receiving the information she should have received.

No psycho-babble clap-trap involved.

Well they'd have to be listening in on the conversation to be able to tell the difference Aged .

Adults taking photos of them mainly I think. Some children, particularly those under child protection or fostered/adopted are not allowed to have photos taken of them by other adults because, e.g., it could make them more traceable, give out info about their lives etc.

Well she was hardly on the phone to great-aunt Julia..
She went into the corner of the bloody room to take a call that was really important.
What might she have been doing? Videoing children?

Safeguard children from what??????????

Taking picture of them to put up on peadophile sites
Taking pictures and putting them up on ‘harmless’ social media pages when child is vulnerable and could be dangerous for hen

There was a famous case that caused this blanked ban. Read up on it.

As far as I’m aware all nurseries have a ban on mobile phones.

I get where you're coming from OP - if you'd known it was a stupid policy, you'd have stepped outside, but they panicked you thinking there was something wrong with your child. Once I'd have found out that I'd hung up for no reason, they'd have gotten an íde béal from me!

I must admit I had kids in nursery for 4 years overall and had no idea that was a rule! We were only allowed in the outer sanctum to drop off/pick up though - I never saw the interior of the place.

OP she was simply enforcing the rule, but it does sound like her manner was easy to misinterpret. I'd have stepped out if I'd thought to do so, but these things are easy to think with hindsight. It sounds like you're under a lot of pressure

And this is ONE CASE where a Mum may not have the critical information she needs for her child.

Fuck that for a blanket ban. Load of bollocks.

There have been numerous cases not one. It's the same for staff and parents.

You seem to be getting more worked up about it than Op was aged! It's not terribly difficult to understand (if you engage your brain) that if there's a no phone rule then the nursery staff are not going to first approach the parent to ask to whom they are speaking or request that they score the importance of the call on a scale of 1 - 10.

The Op was asked to get off the phone, that's all that happened here. Must people work themselves into a lather over every interaction that wasn't quite as perfect as it could have been??

Agednotwine

We all get where the OP is coming from.

Your posts however, clearly show why these blanket bans needed to be put in place (and OFSTED require it), as far too many parents just have no idea how much smartphones and social media can put children at risk. I assume nothing has ever happened to you or your children because if it. Count yourself lucky.

sinkgirl if your still reading please step away from the thread. Posters like aged are obviously determined to turn this into a bigger issue than it needs to be which isn’t going to help you.

Oh because OFSTED is the oracle.............

Lol.

@Sirzy - don't speak on my behalf! I'm quite capable of doing that all on my ownsome!

Safeguarding children from having photos taken of them. It’s unfortunate you weren’t aware of the very common policy; schools and swimming pools and changing rooms and many other places have them. They also make parents aware of those bans in various ways.
It’s also unfortunate that you didn’t explain and step outside to continue the call.
One more observation, as a parent of two children with additional needs. For your own mental health and the strength to face what’s coming, you will need to learn to let certain things go, build your confidence and pick your fights. To realise that most of the time, perfectionism and not doing a good job is the norm, and that ok is acceptable. The SN boards here are very supportive.

Sorry aged but I've had to take a similar call from my GP while my manager was talking to me at work. You just gotta prioritise what you gotta prioritise. just isn’t comparable unless you work in a place where you’re not supposed to use your phone due to safety issues. It’s more akin to if I’d whipped my phone out to answer it ‘because it’s important’ near my boss while working in a prison: you absolutely cannot take phones in for any reason and doing so will lead to swift and severe disciplinary action.

Anyway OP, you were in the wrong, I actually think if you understand that you’ll be better able to let this go as it seems to be the perceived injustice of the incident that’s continuing to bother you (‘how dare she? I was only doing it for this reason’).

You answered a call still in the room with other kids as well as yours, while some were asleep (which is really rude and thoughtless, though I understand why you were only thinking of your own stresses at that point) and could have been awoken, in an environment where it’s common knowledge you don’t use your phone or take it out for any reason around the kids. Likely the worker was so shocked to see someone do it so blatantly her first priority was just to get you to stop doing it. She’s not to know it was from a doctor and that doesn’t make any difference anyway to their policies, they work with many parents and if they start allowing one to take calls because it’s a certain professional where do they draw the line with others? They’re busy and don’t have time to be checking out why you’re speaking to someone when you’re simply not able to use your phone anyway.

I get it, it’d smart and I’d feel a bit foolish and embarrassed to be told off publicly, anyone would. But you were in the wrong and now you know you can’t just stay in the toddler room around kids taking phone calls you can make different choices going forwards. I’d let it go and certainly don’t raise it with the nursery as you’ll look entitled and silly (what can you really complain about here after all? Someone’s tone of voice wasn’t pleasant while acting on an immediate safeguarding issue? They’ll just tell you why they don’t allow parents to make calls in the nursery and why it was important to stop you from doing it ASAP, if they’re good with your boys and their needs that’s hard to find and I wouldn’t want to rock the boat over an incident that was entirely my fault).

What outcome do you want here? The nursery staff member to be admonished/made to apologize?
I'd initially expected you'd been shouted at, "can you get off your phone?" In a firm voice I feel is wholly appropriate to ensure that you hear and acknowledge her request.

In what way do you read that as speaking on your behalf? I am simply trying to help the op having her stress added too by drama llamas!

OFSTED is why teachers are leaving in their droves - why?

Because policy supersedes a little-known thing called common fucking sense.

It’s a policy. It has to be followed. You can not use your discretion when filling policies. If that was the case, then policies would basically mean nothing.
There was a serious case review after a member of nursery stafff used her phone to video children. It is now part of the eyfs, so must be included in policies.

It’s like saying the police should use their discretion who to issue points or fines to when caught speeding.

But he staff memeber was abrupt and if it was important you could of just left the room.

In my nursery staff and visitors entering the room must leave phones in reception. Parents don’t enter the room unless settling in.

Even the ofsted lady was told to leave her phone behind.

I work in a school and nobody is allowed to use a mobile phone for any reason outside of 2 designated rooms (staff room and a specific office) even after students have left the building. If somebody needs to make or take a call they have to go to one of those rooms or leave the premises.

The policy is shared with all parents and visitors and staff have had it drilled into them that we must be strict with anybody we see using a mobile phone and tell them to put it away.

I imagine the staff member assumed you were aware of the nursery policy and that is why she was abrupt with you, because she felt you were ignoring the policy rather than realising you weren’t aware of it.