Told off by nursery staff member - AIBU?

[SinkGirl]

This happened when I was picking my twins up yesterday, and for some reason it has really really upset me and is on my mind this morning.

My twin boys are 2.5, they both have ASD. They have been going to nursery two mornings a week since January and they love it there. One is in the baby room due to his developmental delays, the other is in the toddler room.

The staff know that my life with the boys is a whirlwind with all of the appointments, therapy, and work we are doing with them - on top of being a mum and a carer I’m basically a full time PA managing everything.

Yesterday I was waiting on a call from a consultant with some information on a test one of the boys needs to have.

I went into the toddler room to get one of the boys, there were two members of staff and three toddlers including mine (the others were asleep with the dividing blind down). I’d been in there a few minutes and they were filling me in on what he’d been up to as always, when my phone rang. Withheld number so probably the hospital - I said excuse me and went to the corner of the room to answer it.

After about 60 seconds, the room leader came over looking very concerned and said “can you get off your phone?” in a very abrupt way. The other staff member was changing my son’s nappy at the time so I thought maybe there was something wrong, so I apologised to the consultant and said I would need to call her back.

But no, she just wanted me off the phone. I then realised they must have a rule about parents not being on their phones in there, which I totally understand, but it was really important - she must have heard I was talking to his consultant from what I was saying.

If that’s the rule (which I wasn’t aware of as I’d never normally be using my phone when collecting them) that’s totally fine, but she could have just asked me to step outside until I was done - the way she told me to get off the phone made me think she needed to talk to me urgently for some reason.

I couldn’t get hold of his consultant afterwards and she’s not in now until mid next week so I won’t be able to get the info I need until then.

I don’t know why this has upset me so much - it’s made me feel like they think I’m a shitty distracted parent, I guess. It’s not like I was on Facebook or playing a game. It’s so hard trying to juggle everything and they are well aware of this. I hate breaking the rules and I hate people thinking I’m a bad parent (which happens a lot when you have toddlers with ASD!).

I think a large part of my reaction is the fact that I’m a dreadful perfectionist and never feel like I’m doing a good enough job. I’m sure most people would think I’m overreacting and to be honest I agree that I am, but it’s really bothering me much more than it should.

If she’d just asked me to step out or gestured for me to do so I would of course have done that, I would never knowingly break a rule like this. We’ve spent a lot of time at children’s centres where you’re not allowed to use your phone at all and I never have.

Argh, why am I so upset about this? Am I just being ridiculous?

Totally normal rule, and you wont be the first parent to do it. It sounds like she was a bit rude though I normally say "I'm really sorry you can't use your phone around the children for safeguarding, if it's important you can use it outside of the office", and I think had she said that I don't think you would have thought so much about it.

Aged, you're an idiot.
OP, you should not have answered your phone, you were there to collect your children and it makes no difference who was calling you. If the consultant wanted to speak to you urgently, she would have phoned you back immediately. She didn't, you couldn't get hold of her later, therefore I would assume she had. Itching urgent to say.
The nursery staff were right in telling you to get off your phone directly. Taking that call was not acceptable.

I would have had no idea that this was a rule in nurseries! (Though didn't have a mobile phone when my kids were little).

OP I get it. You felt like you were being told off and you are trying so hard all the time to "get it right".

It's ok to be a "good enough" parent / person rather than a perfect parent/ person. It's ok to make mistakes.

Teachers are leaving for a range of reasons, from huge paperwork loads to payment by results to obnoxious parents not allowing effective discipline to happen and challenging every decision they feel impacts negatively on their child. Rules are for other people?

I've never heard such shite in my life.

certainly not all psychological theories are for everyone, but personally I find the theory of Personality Adaptations and Ware's Sequences fascinating and helpful.

Every nursery I've been to has signs up saying mobile phones must not be used on the premises. It's standard policy and the nursery worker was enforcing it.

I think as after a minute it was clear you would be taking this call for a while, she got annoyed. Why didnt tou just excuse yourself in the first place?
Off course the safeguarding of the children come before any call you need to take. You can walk outside, the children can't.

I think you need to realise you were in the wrong, acknowledge that and move on. The rest of whatever your post is about is just a projection of what you think, not what they think.

I think your upset because logically you knew you shouldn’t have the phone and you did and you missed on the consultant

It’s a normal policy and has to be followed for all the reasons stated

Agednotwine Fri 10-May-19 06:28:54

As for safeguarding shite - if they can't tell the difference between a mother taking a call from a doctor or a paedophile, then I'm not surprised there are extreme measures in place.

Lunacy.

^^ THIS

They all heard her phone ring.

They saw her with her phone up to her ear in the corner.

There is a place for common sense and frankly if these nursery workers don't have it I would wonder about trusting them with babies and small children.

In my nursery staff and visitors entering the room must leave phones in reception

Is that just personal phones? Ours have nursery phones and tablets that staff use to take photos and videos of the children, then they get uploaded onto the WhatsApp group chat for the parents, or displayed in the nursery, uploaded to USB for you when they leave.

She was rude in her approach.

There was absolutely no need for her to approach you the way she did. There was a better way of communicating the nursery's phone ban. Did she at least talk to you about the phone ban in the nursery and explain the safeguarding issues around this?

As a note to self, I would, from now on, check every laminated sign in every room and corridor of a nursery/school. Comb through your welcome pack (or whatever it's called). You'll find that as your kids go through nursery and school, it's also an education for us parents and it can be a steep learning curve when it comes to technology and safeguarding- get to know what's on and what's not.

It's totally ok to say, "Oh! It's the kids' consultant. I must take this outside. Excuse me."

There is a place for common sense and frankly if these nursery workers don't have it I would wonder about trusting them with babies and small children.

No, actually this isn’t the place. And it’s not the nursery making the decision. It is what they must do to comply with the current law that was put in place, after the horrific case a few years ago.

for you, OP.

As for this blanket ban: what if you don't have a smartphone? My 10 yo Nokia calls-and-texts-only couldn't possibly be a safeguarding risk to anyone. So would I also not be allowed to speak to my child's consultant? Ridiculous.

@mathanxiety You wouldn’t be allowed at my nursery anyway. Parents have to sign a contract agreeing to policies.
There’s no room for discretion in policies otherwise they’d be pointless.
Do you think police can use their discretion when they decide who’s allowed to break the law.
There has to be a line somewhere.

In my nursery staff and visitors entering the room must leave phones in reception

Is that just personal phones?

Yes.

It's not just the safeguarding issue the op said several babies were asleep in the room this being lunchtime so normal nap time.
Parents coming into the room can be disturbing enough but phones ringing and people talking loudly can wake up and upset small babies.

op I think you are getting a bit of a tough time. You didn't realise the rule and hung up rather than carry on. The worker may not have meant to be so sharp. Just try to forget about it - lessons learnt and I hope you get hold of the consultant soon

Oh FFS safeguarding children from what exactly? You were in the corridor & taking a phone call, where was the risk assessment done by the member of staff? Plus given they know your circumstances could've, if she wanted to, know it was an important call rather than rudely applying a blanket rule that shes clearly loving doing as it gives her a bit of power!

I would give the manager/provider this 'feedback' & how it not only left you feeling but also the impact it has on you now having to wait for another week to speak with the Dr.

Ofsted will also inspect on service user participation & involvement & the way she spoke to you was unacceptable. Your not a child!

The staff have this drummed into them as absolutely not acceptable, they aren't allowed to use any common sense about it, it is a firm and fixed rule. She probably spoke more sharply than she needed to but she probably panicked because it is such a strict rule.

I work in an early years setting and my dad is dying of cancer and my son is at university and suffering mental health problems, I hate having to lock my mobile away but there is no compromise.

I had no idea this was a thing either OP, I've got two kids in nursery as well. Though if I was asked to get off that call I would have just walked outside, wouldn't have cut the call with the consultant.

One case???????????? Ever? In the history of parents collecting their children from nursery? FUCK OFF.

Are you feeling ok?

Oh FFS safeguarding children from what exactly?

The fact you don’t know is exactly why it is necessary.

and the way she spoke to you was unacceptable

So saying ‘can you get of your phone’ is unacceptable?

It would piss me off. I feel like nurseries love their rules and the worker was probably loving being able to enforce something. I'd they do have a rule then she should have said you need to take that out side. Then afterwards explained the rule. But then I've also encountered quite a few not very bright people in this line of work so maybe that was a bit much to ask.

You were waiting for this call all day. Thus you were stressed.

You should have told the nursery as soon as you arrived that you were waiting for an important call from the consultant.
You should have immediately stepped outside. You should have said to the consultant that you were mid picking the boys up and could only stay on the line for a couple of minutes.

@user12345678912 the OP wasn't in the corridor. She admits she was in the room with sleeping children.

Oh FFS safeguarding children from what exactly? You were in the corridor & taking a phone call

Read the OP user. She wasn’t in a corridor. She stayed in the room where several children were present, some sleeping, to answer.