Told off by nursery staff member - AIBU?

[SinkGirl]

This happened when I was picking my twins up yesterday, and for some reason it has really really upset me and is on my mind this morning.

My twin boys are 2.5, they both have ASD. They have been going to nursery two mornings a week since January and they love it there. One is in the baby room due to his developmental delays, the other is in the toddler room.

The staff know that my life with the boys is a whirlwind with all of the appointments, therapy, and work we are doing with them - on top of being a mum and a carer I’m basically a full time PA managing everything.

Yesterday I was waiting on a call from a consultant with some information on a test one of the boys needs to have.

I went into the toddler room to get one of the boys, there were two members of staff and three toddlers including mine (the others were asleep with the dividing blind down). I’d been in there a few minutes and they were filling me in on what he’d been up to as always, when my phone rang. Withheld number so probably the hospital - I said excuse me and went to the corner of the room to answer it.

After about 60 seconds, the room leader came over looking very concerned and said “can you get off your phone?” in a very abrupt way. The other staff member was changing my son’s nappy at the time so I thought maybe there was something wrong, so I apologised to the consultant and said I would need to call her back.

But no, she just wanted me off the phone. I then realised they must have a rule about parents not being on their phones in there, which I totally understand, but it was really important - she must have heard I was talking to his consultant from what I was saying.

If that’s the rule (which I wasn’t aware of as I’d never normally be using my phone when collecting them) that’s totally fine, but she could have just asked me to step outside until I was done - the way she told me to get off the phone made me think she needed to talk to me urgently for some reason.

I couldn’t get hold of his consultant afterwards and she’s not in now until mid next week so I won’t be able to get the info I need until then.

I don’t know why this has upset me so much - it’s made me feel like they think I’m a shitty distracted parent, I guess. It’s not like I was on Facebook or playing a game. It’s so hard trying to juggle everything and they are well aware of this. I hate breaking the rules and I hate people thinking I’m a bad parent (which happens a lot when you have toddlers with ASD!).

I think a large part of my reaction is the fact that I’m a dreadful perfectionist and never feel like I’m doing a good enough job. I’m sure most people would think I’m overreacting and to be honest I agree that I am, but it’s really bothering me much more than it should.

If she’d just asked me to step out or gestured for me to do so I would of course have done that, I would never knowingly break a rule like this. We’ve spent a lot of time at children’s centres where you’re not allowed to use your phone at all and I never have.

Argh, why am I so upset about this? Am I just being ridiculous?

They're not judging you and it doesn't matter who was on the phone. It's a standard rule not to be on the phone in nursery rooms. Last week another parent took a phone call in my child's nursery room and they did exactly the same (though they said 'can you step outside or call them back'). When the parent went home I was still getting my feedback and the nursery teacher said she hated having to do that and she felt really awkward.

It's just a safeguarding thing, really not personal.

Babies and children are still at risk of assault that is not recorded for purposes of pornography.

The phone ban does not address issues arising from poor checks and a culture where questioning is frowned upon, both of which were major issues that contributed to the terrible case a few years ago.

A culture where nothing can be questioned is a culture where babies and children are abused. This has been demonstrated time and time again, from church scandals to Jimmy Savile.

She was just doing her job. Let it go.
All those posters who would have ignored the request or argued about it may have found themselves being told to find another nursery or if it was school, ultimately being banned from the site.

You were expecting the call so why didn’t you start leaving the room to take it as soon as it rang ? Both to give yourself some privacy and to avoid disturbing the others in the room, anyway - this would apply even if you hadn’t realised there was a formal ban on phones in the nursery. I

It was an important call to you but an expected, routine , one, and not an emergency. You are, understandably , stressed by the demands of your current situation but you have to realise that not everyone you interact with is going to be as invested in the minutiae of it as you. She didn’t ‘tell you off’ she asked you to get off your phone and it has rattled you because nobody likes to feel in the wrong. Move on.

You're upset because you're stressed. I remember when I was heavily pregnant and the bus driver made me walk through a packed bus to go out the back door instead of just letting me jump out the front. I burst into tears and cried all the way home

There has to be a line somewhere.

Yes, and here is where it should be - everyone heard the phone ring, everyone heard the OP answer it, everyone heard her speaking, with the phone to her ear, in the corner. Was she taking photos? Was she recording? No.

YANBU and sounds like you are doing a heroic job in difficult circumstances. Sorry the staff member didn't see that.

As with all communication, it's the way the message was communicated.

"Sorry, phones aren't permitted in here, would you just step outside to take the call?" [with a smile, while gently but firmly walking with you towards the door], immediately your phone rang, would have upheld the policy AND enabled you to take the call, without anyone getting flustered.

At my son's nursery, you can't use your phone in the premises at all, let alone in the room. If my phone rings, and I want to answer it, I need to leave the building so you should have done the same. I'm sure they probably have a sign up or its the nurseries terms and conditions or prospectus.

There's a big sign at my works nursery saying mobile phones must be turned off collecting children . There's also a poster saying parents shouldn't have them turned on in the car (hands free) and should talk to their kids! Nurseries are getting quite militant about it because they see parents grabbing their kids not saying a word as they are too busy on the phone. Doesn't matter who it is, still a call - if it was turned off you could get a message

I have never been made to feel smaller or more infantilised than at my dc’s nursery. YANBU.

OP, @Imustbemad00 and @MyNewBearTotoro explain it well.

There are times you just cannot take a phonecall- whether you are driving, in middle of lift, operating heavy machinery, or any other situ that it'd be unsafe or inappropriate to do so. And callers understand that. For future - reassure yourself that it'd be better letting it go to answerphone for a message to be left.

The nursery worker wasn't rude, just shocked you took your mobile out in nursery room around other children and took a call. She said a polite sentence to get you quickly off your phone. She wasn't to know you'd misread into her sentence.
None of that is related in any way to being a 'good enough' (or not) parent.

You are over thinking this.
Let it go.

I get your points mathanxiety but no amount of complaining is going to change the fact that this is OP’s nursery’s policy and she can either comply with it or find another. Your posts read like you’re encouraging her to fight it or something. She can’t. She can either comply or find another nursery and make using mobile phones part of her selection criteria (and I don’t fancy her chances of finding any nursery that’ll allow it).

OP is choosing to use this nursery and can either abide by their policies or find one that suits her needs a bit better. And given that this seems to be a one off incident it seems silly to pull her kids from a nursery which is doing well with them and their additional needs just to make a point because she didn’t like the firm tone of voice used.

Yabu. Huge signs at my dd nursery...no phones. If the call was that important and sounds like staff dealing with your dc you run outside to answer it. Its a safeguarding issue and nurseries vvv strick on the use of phones.

It's amazing how many people don't seem to care about how rude the member of staff was. Surely, even if you believe that the OP was in the wrong, that doesn't justify ANY response. There is no excuse to be impolite and it's even worse in a setting where people have ems responsibility to model good social interaction for young children.

I am suggesting that the rule is as effective as school uniforms are. It looks good. It ticks a box. Maybe it makes people feel they are safer. But it is not capable of doing the job that common sense and good management does.

I didn't think the OP should fight it when I first posted, but I think she should ask for clarification of the rules. She was unaware of this phone rule.

From the pov of safeguarding, it would be far more effective to have a foyer area outside the toddler room and the baby room where individual children are handed over to parents, and not a room where some children are having nappies changed while some are sleeping, where basically any parent or caregiver can walk in and get an eyeful. Who are these people walking in to a room where there are toddlers napping? The nursery has no idea.

What a storm in a teacup! Yes the staff member perhaps could have asked a bit more nicely than the OP thinks she did, but maybe she was having a tough time of it like the OP clearly is. If you normally have a good relationship with the nursery, just chalk it up to one of those things and forget about it.

FWIW all the nurseries I know have a blanket policy, with signs in every room, and you’d be challenged each and every time you tried to use it inside the nursery.

“can you get off your phone?” in a very abrupt way.

Is not that rude to be honest

And the other thing is the OP admits that information relating to her son could be heard which is another safeguarding issue as well

From the title, I was expecting you had really been told off.

But you haven't really. True, it could have been said a bit nicer, but they follow the rules, and straight to the point is sometimes the only way.

YABU I find it hard to believe that you weren't aware of the policy. As others have said you can't expect them to make an exception for you. Just forget about it

Doesn't matter if it was the hospital consultant or jesus christ himself, no mobiles are allowed in nurseries due to the various well documented child safeguarding issues. She may have been abrupt but you were in the wrong.

Just to clarify several points:

Yes, of course if there is a rule against phone use in the nursery then I was in the wrong. I haven’t denied that at any point, and stated that I feel bad about the breaking the rule. I wasn’t aware of it - yes, that’s my error - I’m sure it was in the pack, I must have missed it. That’s my fault. If you have any concept of the amount of paperwork I have to deal with, read, process and action you’d understand why I might miss something like this. It wouldn’t normally be a factor as I usually leave my phone in the car, I only had it as I was waiting for this call specifically.

Yes, it was very important information, for my sanity at least - I got a call to book in for an in-depth test at the hospital that I was unaware he needed and didn’t know if he needed it because of other recent results (which I don’t know yet) or just because they’re being thorough. It’s a big deal. The fact that his consultant is away for a few days has no bearing on whether it’s important or not.

I wasn’t disturbing the sleeping children - I was far away from them, they were in a divided off area and the staff / awake children were making more noise than I was. Not that this makes it okay, but it’s another factor that’s been raised here.

Yes, I should have just stepped outside when I got the call (we were early picking up so it’s not like it would have been a problem). But I was anxious and stressed and in the moment I didn’t think of it. I was so focussed on what she was saying that I didn’t think of much else.

There’s also the fact that I didn’t have the opportunity to go outside because she told me to get off the phone, not to take it outside - because I wasn’t aware of the rule (again, which was absolutely my fault) I took that literally. If she’d said “you can’t use your phone in here” no matter how abruptly, I would have taken it outside because it wasn’t very important.

I am not saying they shouldn’t enforce their safeguarding policies. Absolutely they should and I’m glad they do, my children are in their care. And if I’d taken my phone out so start snapping photos of my son playing, I’d expect a very abrupt telling off - but clearly I wasn’t taking photos because I was talking on the phone, so there shouldn’t have been any reason to tell me to get off it rather than tell me to take it outside or simply that I wasn’t allowed to take the call in there, I could have continued and i am slightly annoyed that her phrasing meant
I didn’t realise this and therefore ended the call unnecessarily. That is not the same as saying they shouldn’t enforce their policy or being annoyed that they are.

What outcome do you want here? The nursery staff member to be admonished/made to apologize?
Why would you think that? Just because I’m I’m upset by a situation doesn’t mean I’m the sort of person to kick off and complain about things. As I said, they’re absolutely right to enforce their policy, but the way it was handled specifically has upset me. Of course I’m not going to complain about it. I’m not expecting a resolution.

I’m amazed that you are allowed into a toddler room where small children are sleeping and one is having a nappy change (albeit your own child). Is that not a bit unusual in nurseries?

I hate being told off too, a big flaw of mine. Let it go OP. Good luck with everything, sounds like the complicated life is a marathon not a sprint, so look after yourself too and don’t try to get everything right, that’s way too hard.

Please don't stew on it OP. Yes there are safeguarding rules, but mindless tick box compliance helps nobody. As someone said above they could see you were talking on the phone, not taking photos.

Sadly, as with many compliance issues, people are poorly trained. GDPR is another one. Money laundering is another one.

Mind you, this all confirms my issues with people using their mobiles for everything. People always want to call you on a mobile, and it's always likely to be a bad time. In your case you were in the nursery, you could have been driving, you could have been in a work meeting. If you call a landline you don't have this problem.

Yes I think the member of staff was unreasonable. But I also get the point that parents can be entitled wotsits and always think the rules don't apply to them, so yes you might have been the 5th in a row and she didn't know you were talking to a doctor and it was important, because it usually isn't.

Let it go and move on.