Told off by nursery staff member - AIBU?

[SinkGirl]

This happened when I was picking my twins up yesterday, and for some reason it has really really upset me and is on my mind this morning.

My twin boys are 2.5, they both have ASD. They have been going to nursery two mornings a week since January and they love it there. One is in the baby room due to his developmental delays, the other is in the toddler room.

The staff know that my life with the boys is a whirlwind with all of the appointments, therapy, and work we are doing with them - on top of being a mum and a carer I’m basically a full time PA managing everything.

Yesterday I was waiting on a call from a consultant with some information on a test one of the boys needs to have.

I went into the toddler room to get one of the boys, there were two members of staff and three toddlers including mine (the others were asleep with the dividing blind down). I’d been in there a few minutes and they were filling me in on what he’d been up to as always, when my phone rang. Withheld number so probably the hospital - I said excuse me and went to the corner of the room to answer it.

After about 60 seconds, the room leader came over looking very concerned and said “can you get off your phone?” in a very abrupt way. The other staff member was changing my son’s nappy at the time so I thought maybe there was something wrong, so I apologised to the consultant and said I would need to call her back.

But no, she just wanted me off the phone. I then realised they must have a rule about parents not being on their phones in there, which I totally understand, but it was really important - she must have heard I was talking to his consultant from what I was saying.

If that’s the rule (which I wasn’t aware of as I’d never normally be using my phone when collecting them) that’s totally fine, but she could have just asked me to step outside until I was done - the way she told me to get off the phone made me think she needed to talk to me urgently for some reason.

I couldn’t get hold of his consultant afterwards and she’s not in now until mid next week so I won’t be able to get the info I need until then.

I don’t know why this has upset me so much - it’s made me feel like they think I’m a shitty distracted parent, I guess. It’s not like I was on Facebook or playing a game. It’s so hard trying to juggle everything and they are well aware of this. I hate breaking the rules and I hate people thinking I’m a bad parent (which happens a lot when you have toddlers with ASD!).

I think a large part of my reaction is the fact that I’m a dreadful perfectionist and never feel like I’m doing a good enough job. I’m sure most people would think I’m overreacting and to be honest I agree that I am, but it’s really bothering me much more than it should.

If she’d just asked me to step out or gestured for me to do so I would of course have done that, I would never knowingly break a rule like this. We’ve spent a lot of time at children’s centres where you’re not allowed to use your phone at all and I never have.

Argh, why am I so upset about this? Am I just being ridiculous?

YWBU - It is a simple rule and your fault for not knowing it, if you had you could have walked outside and taken it. If the nursery worker hadn't said anything then they could have been in trouble and if they ask people to take it outside a lot of people will continue to use their phone as they walk outside which again the nursery worker could get in trouble for.

It really isn't a big issue, you broke a rule and were told to stop doing so and now you know the rule so won't do it again in the future. It isn't something to get worked up about

I work in a nursery and you were 100% in the wrong. No phones in the nursery and you would be asked to hang up or leave in my place of work to. Doesn't matter whether you are on the phone to your mum, consultant or the queen it's safeguarding the other kids. Simple

Quartz-The OP used the word "abrupt" and reported try words, without any please and thank you. You can't have your cake and eat it. Either you like that isn't rude OR you acknowledge that the member of staff was rude.

It sounds like you are just tying yourself in knots because you want to put the OP down.

Sadly, as with many compliance issues, people are poorly trained. GDPR is another one. Money laundering is another one.

That’s a really odd take on this situation, havingtochangeusernameagain. The staff member sounds perfectly trained. The policy will be a blanket ‘no use of mobile phones in these areas’ not ‘when you see a parent use a phone, gently enquire whether it’s urgent and if so guide them to a different room’. Chances are it’s no use whatsoever in the building, I doubt being in the corridor would suddenly make it acceptable to them as it’s the presence of mobile phones in the nursery that’s the issue.

Sounds like the staff member was perfectly trained. She knew it wasn’t allowed for safeguarding reasons, noticed it, addressed it swiftly. Fannying around trying to ascertain whether someone is allowed to bend the rules of not is not part of the policy I’m sure! When it comes to safeguarding you’re trained to take whatever action is necessary to stop the behaviour and deal with possible consequences later. Not hang around risk assessing and gathering further info when someone is clearly breaching it right in front of your nose.

Yes the nursery worker could have handled it better but also, if it had been a cold caller about PPI or something it wouldn't have upset you so much and you'd have forgotten all about it by now. You've a lot to deal with and it's overwhelming and sometimes we just want a bit of support or help or to feel like other people are on our side. Unfortunately other people don't always see that.

I remember when my son got admitted to hospital and I had been with him overnight and couldn't leave him or leave the ward as I'd no one with me to keep an eye on him. I just really would have loved a hot cup of tea and asked one of the nurses if there was any chance of getting one. I got a very curt reply that I could go to the canteen and buy one (which I obviously couldn't!). In any other situation that wouldn't have bothered me, but I remember being so upset by such a small thing when I was feeling overwhelmed and exhausted and just wanted someone to be kind to me. Sometimes people just don't realise how we're feeling or what we're dealing with.

Try and forget about it, it's just one of those unfortunate things. Give the consultant's secretary a call, she may be able to look at your notes and give you the information you need.

But you could have made the decision to take the call outside either when the phone rang/when you realised who the caller was or when she asked/told you to get off the phone.

Kill her.
But you could have thought of leaving the room?

OP, I've seen a few of your posts and I know you've had a very difficult time of it indeed. This might be so impossible that it makes you laugh, but do you ever get time for you? This is such a minor incident that the way it's bothered you suggests that you really are quite near breaking point. I assume among all the appointments there's never been any counselling for you? You've been through so much, and I think it sounds like you're getting close to the straw that could break the camel's back.

OP you need to try and move on from this now, the nursery worker was quite abrupt with you but if it was me I would not have ended the call I would have just stepped out.

Also just to say some MNetters need there eyes opening if they believe nursery workers don’t go on their phones whilst they’re at work... (I’ve worked in several nurseries).

. You have so much on your plate.

We have common sense in spades but this is a policy that does not permit any discretion at all. If the owner or manager at any of the settings I have worked in had witnessed it, then the nursery staff would have been subject to disciplinary procedure.

I'm an ex nursery nurse. A colleague of mine was disciplined for not asking a parent not to use their mobile phone to take a call.

It doesn't matter if you agree with it or not, that's the way it is and it is to protect our children.

OP no one is saying that she couldn't have been more polite, of course she could, but this was your mistake not theirs. Though an understandable one in my view, I would still have (politely) asked you to come off the phone. This policy will be in your paperwork too, as a requirement.

Yanbu, no need for her to be rude at all regardless of rules and reasons for them.

No phones in the nursery and you would be asked to hang up or leave in my place of work to.

The policy will be a blanket ‘no use of mobile phones in these areas’

Either of those would have been fine - except that isn’t what happened.

It’s interesting that some people are determined to paint me as some kind of self-involved arsehole rather than read what I’ve actually written, when I am as far from that as you can get. I acknowledged from my very first post that I was in the wrong, yet lots of people here seem very intent on pointing this out as if it’s news to me. That’s not the issue.

Yes, sometimes I overreact to things - I am very fragile emotionally right now because my life has been like a slow motion car crash for the last few years. So stupid things like this can lead to me standing in my kitchen the next day in tears posting on mumsnet. I guess if you haven’t been there by then it won’t make sense.

For the last time, I know now that I broke a rule. I didn’t know it at the time or I wouldn’t have done it, and there is a big difference between expecting special treatment / rules being ignored, and expecting someone to talk to you with respect when that’s the only way you’ve ever treated them / not bark incorrect orders at you because if she’d said “you need to take that call outside” then that’s exactly what I would have done because I’m not a dick.

You were at fault OP, even if you haven't read the information (which you should have regardless of how busy you are) you have no right to then get annoyed when someone corrects your fault. It's a massive safeguarding issue and the nursery were 100% correct in their actions. You need to suck it up and stop moaning.

It's easier to have a blanket ban on any calls than try and police a partial ban.
I've tried a partial ban, and you then get what one person thinks is urgent isn't what someone else. Cries of discrimination because you let person A speak to mum (who they said had a fall yesterday-you later find that isn't true) and you ask person B not to talk to their mum (who is elderly).

Once you let one person, other people will assume they can. We tried a partial ban and had to up it to a full ban because of the number of people that took the mick or shouted discrimination when asked not to.

If you'd been in the corridor outside, then asking politely you to leave might well have happened. Answering the phone in a room with children, including sleeping children in, actually the priority rightly is to get you to put the phone down, hence being abrupt. From experience "please can you...." leaves yourself very open to people saying "just let me..." or even ignoring the request.

OP please don’t feel bad - it was an honest mistake.

The staff member was probably so abrupt as they could get in trouble if you were seen. A friend who works in a nursery said if there was a surprise inspection or someone official noticed anyone with a phone they would report the nursery. It is for safeguarding which is a good thing.

You did nothing malicious and you certainly won’t be the first or the last person told this so try not to feel bad.

OP, I've seen a few of your posts and I know you've had a very difficult time of it indeed. This might be so impossible that it makes you laugh, but do you ever get time for you? This is such a minor incident that the way it's bothered you suggests that you really are quite near breaking point. I assume among all the appointments there's never been any counselling for you? You've been through so much, and I think it sounds like you're getting close to the straw that could break the camel's back.

Thank you, you’re so kind.

No there isn’t. There’s just no time. The only time I get to do all the admin and reading and learning related to everything they need is when they’re at nursery. I think breaking point was about six months ago, to be honest.

I appreciate this is all very irrational, and it’s clear most people will not understand why I’m in such a state so I think I’ll just back away from this.

I get it. A similar thing happened to me. I had twins and unfortunately one of my sons passed away and I was constantly attending appointments for my surviving son. It was exhausting. I flew off the handle at one of the daycare teachers who was asking me to spend more time with my daughter teaching her how to use scissors. Ffs!! Seriously I was dealing with more pressing issues. I would be pissed off too if I was you.

You need to suck it up and stop moaning.

Wow, you’re really a shining example of humanity aren’t you?

Ihatehashtags I am so so sorry. I can’t even imagine what you’ve been through. Sending you some unmumsnetty (particularly un-this-thready) hugs

@SinkGirl I'm sorry for what you're going through outside of this issue but you were in the wrong with using the phone so there is literally no point going over and over it 🤷‍♀️

@SinkGirl to clarify the suck it up and stop moaning was in relation to the phone use, nothing else you have mentioned.

So what do you need from this thread? You’ve had lots of empathetic, supportive posts but I notice you’ve barely responded to them.