Told off by nursery staff member - AIBU?

[SinkGirl]

This happened when I was picking my twins up yesterday, and for some reason it has really really upset me and is on my mind this morning.

My twin boys are 2.5, they both have ASD. They have been going to nursery two mornings a week since January and they love it there. One is in the baby room due to his developmental delays, the other is in the toddler room.

The staff know that my life with the boys is a whirlwind with all of the appointments, therapy, and work we are doing with them - on top of being a mum and a carer I’m basically a full time PA managing everything.

Yesterday I was waiting on a call from a consultant with some information on a test one of the boys needs to have.

I went into the toddler room to get one of the boys, there were two members of staff and three toddlers including mine (the others were asleep with the dividing blind down). I’d been in there a few minutes and they were filling me in on what he’d been up to as always, when my phone rang. Withheld number so probably the hospital - I said excuse me and went to the corner of the room to answer it.

After about 60 seconds, the room leader came over looking very concerned and said “can you get off your phone?” in a very abrupt way. The other staff member was changing my son’s nappy at the time so I thought maybe there was something wrong, so I apologised to the consultant and said I would need to call her back.

But no, she just wanted me off the phone. I then realised they must have a rule about parents not being on their phones in there, which I totally understand, but it was really important - she must have heard I was talking to his consultant from what I was saying.

If that’s the rule (which I wasn’t aware of as I’d never normally be using my phone when collecting them) that’s totally fine, but she could have just asked me to step outside until I was done - the way she told me to get off the phone made me think she needed to talk to me urgently for some reason.

I couldn’t get hold of his consultant afterwards and she’s not in now until mid next week so I won’t be able to get the info I need until then.

I don’t know why this has upset me so much - it’s made me feel like they think I’m a shitty distracted parent, I guess. It’s not like I was on Facebook or playing a game. It’s so hard trying to juggle everything and they are well aware of this. I hate breaking the rules and I hate people thinking I’m a bad parent (which happens a lot when you have toddlers with ASD!).

I think a large part of my reaction is the fact that I’m a dreadful perfectionist and never feel like I’m doing a good enough job. I’m sure most people would think I’m overreacting and to be honest I agree that I am, but it’s really bothering me much more than it should.

If she’d just asked me to step out or gestured for me to do so I would of course have done that, I would never knowingly break a rule like this. We’ve spent a lot of time at children’s centres where you’re not allowed to use your phone at all and I never have.

Argh, why am I so upset about this? Am I just being ridiculous?

OP, I'm glad you've listened to PPs both who said ynbu and those who said YABU explaining that the nursery worker had to act quickly and firmly and it wasn't personal and the reasons why, to help you see her firm reaction in a bigger context, than feeling it as aspersions against your intentions or character or your ability as a parent, which was part of your original post.

How much it affected you was a worry
Fortunately I’m feeling much stronger than I was yesterday but that’s how things go for me - I can only hold my shit together for so long and then it’s just the next little problem that comes along that sets me off, even when I’ve dealt with much bigger things recently
so I'm glad you are speaking openly with your GP and the medical staff about all your worries and coping strategies. And that PPs and your team might be able to make more suggestions of support. That's really important. I'd suggest that in scheme of things this little incident triggering it, isn't as important.

When people are 'troupers' and carry on (I think somewhere you said you were '6 months past breaking point' , did I recall or understand that feeling right?) , sometimes what's gives away quite the high level of stress they are living under. Strong emotional reactions to small incidents can be such a good indicator, because there is so much that it triggers off and is related to underneath , it's not about the actual minor incident.

It's important not to berate yourself and I'm glad you are feeling better today. Your lovely morning chilling a day or two afterwards sounded wonderful and just what you needed.

@RevokeRemainpastcaringreally I'm not doing anything of the sort. And I am entitled to post my opinion as much as anyone else. I'm no more a random stranger than anyone else on here! OP asked for opinions and I provided mine. She can choose to agree or ignore.

I’m actually having a proper break right now as MIL has visited for the first time in 7 months. I’m relaxing and drinking hot coffee and browsing the internet like a normal human - it’s great. It’s very hard to switch your brain off when it’s constantly being bombarded - I’m sure those with disabled children understand that it can be a constant onslaught and it does feel like being under attack even when you’re not. So anything you perceive as an actual attack, although seemingly trivial to others, can really push you over into extreme emotional states.

I was never this sensitive before I had the boys but there have been constant worries to some extent or other since the end of my pregnancy. The condition DT2 had from birth was incredibly scary because his blood sugars could crash with no warning whatsoever - took them two months to get him stable enough to even come home. My experience of parenting has been being on high alert for very subtle symptoms / problems from the get go. I’m in constantly heightened state of worry at all times and even when DH is in charge while I rest or they’re at nursery, I still can’t completely turn it off.

Poppy my eldest started school 15 years ago. There definitely was safeguarding. There was a policy not to take photos and a policy to not use phones in tne building. Safeguarding is not new.

It certainly wasn't policy in most schools for parents to be banned from using phones if visiting school. Not that many people even had smart phones so why would they be worried about people using them to take photographs?

Cameras where not allowed to be used unless it was a special event. Smart 0 hones where not around but normal mobiles whete. We where not allowed to yes them in tbe school buildings as they would have disrupted tne children and teachers. Safeguarding around photos was still a thing back then 😂photos are not exclusive to smart phones.

We where not allowed to yes them in tbe school buildings as they would have disrupted tne children and teachers. Safeguarding around photos was still a thing back then 😂photos are not exclusive to smart phones.

I don't believe for a minute that there was a written school policy that parents visiting the school e.g. to pick up children or to go to an event were not allowed to answer a phone in case it "disrupted" children. Safe guarding around photos was obviously a concern but there certainly wasn't a ban. Parents were allowed to take photos of their children at events etc unless someone had specified that they didn't want to allow it.

Cameras where not allowed to be used unless it was a special event.

If cameras were allowed at events then not allowing photos at other times has nothing to do with safeguarding.

I haven't read the full thread and from half way though the op I knew what was coming.
It's considered a safeguarding threat and pretty standard, I work in a school with a nursery but the same rule applies to year 11!

That's brilliant OP that you are having a proper rest today. Fab MIL!!

It's really descriptive what you're wrote in relation to the scary health problems your DC have
My experience of parenting has been being on high alert for very subtle symptoms / problems from the get go. I’m in constantly heightened state of worry at all times and even when DH is in charge while I rest or they’re at nursery, I still can’t completely turn it off.

I'm really hopeful that you & your family (DH too) can find more regular support to give yourself real breaks like this. It is so important you can feel like you can really relax at times for your wellbeing. This is going to sound trite and apologies, but is there at all a birthday present coming up that you can ask to be bought an aromatherapy massage for (or something equally relaxing), where your MIL can have boys for you for an afternoon so you can benefit from a proper treat?
It won't solve the world (or even what you are going through) but it might help you feel more rested for a day or two. Small things built in like that can add up for your wellbeing to keep you going xxx Tell your DH it's an investment in you and your DC!

Unfortunately we’ve only seen MIL four times since they were born - she’s not local (although she’s only a couple of hours away). She’s never offered to babysit and I wouldn’t ask, but at least she’s been able to accompany DH to the park as he can’t take them out on his own (and neither can I). We don’t have any family nearby which is why it has been so full on since they were born. My sister has travelled down to babysit twice for my birthday and our wedding anniversary, but that’s the only break we’ve had (which I massively appreciate).

I understand what you’re saying, but none of the usual relaxation things help me to relax - I’ve tried. It’s not like it’s all I think about 24/7, but it’s just in the background all the time, even subconsciously when I’m lying there wondering why they’re asleep and I’m not, or snapping awake at 3:30am for no reason.

Dungeon that's laughable. I definitely remember filling in the forms with both my kids.

The forms we were given were about consent to photos of our children being used online for the school website. We weren’t comfortable with that because of our daughters being adopted.

There’s never been an issue with parents taking photos; we’ve just been told that they can only be for personal use, not to be displayed on social media.

@SinkGirl We have two DS age 3 and 5 with ASD and the eldest also has other health issues.

We found from 2-4 was the hardest age with the eldest as he went through a massive regression; sorting support at nursery, DLA and EHCP was mega hard. We are now working on it all for DS so it must be so hard doing it all at the same time.

Just wanted to say I totally get what you mean about feeling like you are always 'on'. We have found now that DS1 is settled at an enhanced resource mainstream school and his EHCP is in place that things have got easier with him.

We also find it impossible to take them out on our own which a lot of my friends with neurotypical kids found hard to understand for a while.

OP I just wanted to say I’ve been where you are, albeit with only one child. My boy is at his second special needs school & he’s only 6. I completely get where you’re coming from with all the paperwork, phone calls, appointments, forms, assessments etc. It’s like having a full time job in itself plus the full time care your kids need plus holding down a job. You’ve got the extra care in regards to speech therapy, PECS, parenting courses, sleep deprivation. It’s so overwhelming as you want to do what’s best for your child & give them as much support as you can along with worrying about their future. Will they be in a special school for their whole education? Will they be able to take GCSEs? Will they be able to get a job? Will they be able to live independently? Will you be their carer for the rest of their life? What will happen to them when you’re no longer here. Something that seems small to other people can be a huge thing for you as you’re at breaking point all day every day. Anyway a long reply I know but I just wanted to say you’re not on your own, I understand the stressed you’re under & the pressure you put on yourself. If you ever need a chat then feel free to get in touch xx

Just caught up. I have been on MN for 15 years, and @SinkGirl's responses are among the most articulate and dignified I have ever read on MN. Especially given that some of the comments directed at her are, by contrast, among the vilest I have ever had the misfortune to read.

Dungeon that's laughable. I definitely remember filling in the forms with both my kids.

What is laughable. We were given forms to fill in if we didn't want them to be photographed. Otherwise is was assumed that we didn't mind. That might not be how the school your children went to did it but that is what happened at my DCs school.

Poppy my eldest started school 15 years ago. There definitely was safeguarding. There was a policy not to take photos and a policy to not use phones in tne building. Safeguarding is not new.

Your experience isn't universal. I've always been able to use my phone in DC's nursery and school building. There have been parents taking photos at school events too (although MiL was told not to take photos of other kids when she visited the nursery - too late she already had!).

among the vilest I have ever had the misfortune to read

I was thinking that as well. Some of the replies have been truly appalling.

among the vilest I have ever had the misfortune to read

Sadly that’s true. There is this idea that AIBU gives license to posters to be as vile as they want to be with impunity. It’s good to see that that isn’t the case; AIBU encourages robust debate, but it’s still a site that exists to support parents, and surely particularly those parents who are struggling with children who have special needs??

But it’s reassuring to see that the supportive comments have in fact been in the majority on this thread.

Just caught up. I have been on MN for 15 years, and @SinkGirl's responses are among the most articulate and dignified I have ever read on MN. Especially given that some of the comments directed at her are, by contrast, among the vilest I have ever had the misfortune to read.

Thank you so much Atsene, that’s such a lovely thing to say. I am incredibly grateful to the posters who have been decent and reasonable because some of the gaslighting has been on another level. If those were the only replies I’d seen, I can’t even imagine what state I would have been in afterwards. I simply do not understand the compulsion some people have to inflict distress on an already distressed person but obviously the world is full of it, AIBU isn’t so unusual in that regard. It’s that it appears within a support site for parents that makes it so problematic.

ThisMama1 and BobbyBobbins thank you, that’s exactly it.

Poppy my eldest started school 15 years ago. There definitely was safeguarding. There was a policy not to take photos and a policy to not use phones in tne building. Safeguarding is not new
It is managed differently at every school. I’m in the school a lot as a parent helper and I have never been asked not to use my phone. Obviously I don’t whip it out and take pictures of the kids but I have had to answer texts and other urgent phone calls.

Well, I have a very frustrating update.

Firstly, there is one sign at the nursery but I completely missed it - it’s literally about two feet above my eye line (I am 5’2” so not tiny) and not very big, but I am annoyed with myself for not seeing it. I saw the manager this morning and politely mentioned that they might want to put it somewhere more prominent as I hadn’t seen it before. Nothing else was said about it luckily.

I called the consultant’s secretary this morning and she had left some information for me before going away.

The test was booked in error - he doesn’t need it because it’s the same one he’s already had.

One of his specialists asked his new paediatrician if the test has been done and she was unsure, so she asked one of the specialist nurses to check and, if he hadn’t had it, book it in. She checked the system and saw he hadn’t had it, so she booked him in.

Except she wasn’t looking at his records, she was looking at his twin brother’s records. He hasn’t had a blood test since NICU (although he’s about to), hence the confusion.

This is sadly not the first time that this sort of mix up has happened - DT1’s first name comes first alphabetically so they’ll search the DOB and surname and click on the first entry. Sometimes its amusing (like when they think your child has shrunk) but at times like this I want to slam my head into a brick wall.

Anyway, no time to dwell - got my days mixed up and have to now go and pick up DT2 early from nursery as he has his first geneticist appointment shortly.

how frustrating.
good luck op

Don't worry. Just explain what happened. Next time take the call away from the room.