AIBU expecting DP to fund everything?

[TLBftm]

Ok so I have a newborn. I’ve taken 9 months mat leave but I don’t plan on going back to my place of work, which will be fine as I’m only getting smp so won’t owe anything back. Reason being it’s over an hour away from home and I hated the place anyway, I was looking to move on when I discovered I was pregnant but stuck around then.

Anyway, I keep saying to DP we need to discuss what will happen after the 9 month but we just never get round to the convo.
I text him today saying can we discuss it tonight as we need to get a plan in place, he agreed and asked what I’m thinking about it all. To which I said, ideally, I’d like to take a year off and then go back part time for a while. I don’t want to leave my child with anyone else until he’s 1. And I want a day or two In the week with him when I do go back. He didn’t really like that response and mentioned money, then said let’s chat tonight. I asked what’s his thoughts or suggestions then, and he said he doesn’t know, he doesn’t really have an answer.

Is it unreasonable to expect him to pay everything so I can have a year off with my DS, then to foot more than we were once used to so I can work part time?

I feel like the convo is going to be awkward, he’s already paying our mortgage and bills and food. I use my smp for my direct debits and for DS. But he does complain about that. He’s used to carrying 100’s over each month and now he can’t. He spends a fair amount of money each month on football bets, beers with the lads and clothes, and other things that could easily be cut back on. I feel wrong to expect him to cut back. Not asking him to stop, but we would be ok money wise for me to take a year off and go back part time if he can make sacrifices, it’s just like he doesn’t wanna.

AIBU here? And how do I speak to him about this?! I think he feels it’s unfair he has to work full time and pay everything (that’s the vibe I get) but I see it as I’ve always worked and payed half, I’ve sacrificed a lot having DS (which I’m not complaining about) I run the household, cleaning cooking organising the shopping etc and general other things is women do. Again I’m not complaining or saying I want his help, truth is I’d rather do it all myself I enjoy it and know it’s all done and all done properly. So in saying that, I feel bad for saying this, he doesn’t do much for us.. if that makes sense? He’s a great DP and great Dad and we have a great relationship, I just don’t know how to make him see that he needs to step up financially.... or am I in the wrong?

What does everyone else do and how can I get this across?

Alexa I hear your point. That's fair enough, I've already said I've changed my view.
What I do works for me, we can't afford a nanny, we've weighed up the pros and cons and it works.
Any issues with our son in the go to person, I do all the weekday stuff, my husband focuses on his career. If I had a career and was a big earner than maybe we'd use child care. I don't so I do the donkey work at home etc he does the money earning stuff.

I agree with Alexa- I’m the higher earner and i don’t want to be the sole earner. It’s too much pressure and too little security (what exactly would happen if I lost my job ) so I have sympathy for OPs partner.

I don’t see the difference putting a child in nursery from 9m or 12m so neither here nor there really. Everyone I know does this, most people only take 9/12 months off work and I would say around 70% of my friends and family return to work after children. All this talk about how nursery should be a last resort is totally alien to me.

still believe that the high earner needs to step up and be the bread winner for a few years.

I also really don't understand this. I also think this ends up with the high earner feeling their job is more important. Dp earns more than me, because his job pays more. We're both educated to the same level, we both hold a lot of responsibility in our roles. I didn't choose my job to earn mega bucks but it's not less important because of that, in fact it's more important when I'm at work I'm at work and not having to leave early for sick babies etc, Dp's job despite paying more is easier for him to hand to someone else if he needs to leave early/take days off with Dc.

Yep, Dp is needing to keep things ticking over money wise for the foreseeable, which I acknowledge does put pressure on him and stress. But my career is equally important and when I'm back part time we've agreed that on my working days he'll have to take responsibility if Dc are sick or nursery is closed for training/weather etc. If I'm only working part time I'm giving it 100% when I am there.

The main issue here really is, that DP doesn’t like having less money

Sorry but all parents have less money once they have children. They cost a fuck tonne of money in childcare, clothes, food etc. So your DP needs to come to terms with that. I remember my dad, when we told him I was pregnant, getting his wallet out, emptying it, and telling us that this is what we had to expect for the next 21 years (in a jokey way). And boy was he right.

Trying to carry on the same lifestyle once you're a parent is totally unrealistic.

I don’t know. I accept that £15k a year goes on nursery and I accept I’ve lost that £15k. I’m not willing to give up all meals out, holidays, clothes, day trips etc as well so DP can stay at home. We’re not all comfortable living on the breadline

the main question are:
-can you afford to live on 1 salary? If not you need to get back?
-if you can afford to live on 1 salary, would he be happy to have to pressure to be the main earner. You always talk about how you want to spend time with 'my DS'. It's not only yours but also his. maybe he want to spend some time with his DS too?

• what is your line of work? don't underestimate the difficulty of getting back into work after a long break.
• you aren't married. There are implications of giving up work and making yourself dependent on another person without the security blanket marriage provides.

for example, he’s away at a football match, going to see a comedian, long weekend in Newcastle, goes to the pub every Friday Eve.... again, I’m not bothered

WOOW, what an ass hole! He can do all that in one month but cant allow his 'wife' the luxury of 3 months of when she basically wipes his ass? 🙄

I am a SAHM my DH 'looks after me' DD is 2.5 and I'm pregnant, iv been very lucky but at the same time I work my ass of looking after him, DC and the house! You work, your a mum don't let him forget that whilst he's enjoying his pint with friends tonight.....

I really don't understand this attitude. Why should I "step up" and be the breadwinner just because my partner isn't capable of earning as much as I can? What if I want a relationship in which the responsibilities of providing for the family and caring for the family are shared between both partners? As the higher earner, do I have less of a right to spend time with my child, to be a hands-on, involved parent? I don't think so!

That's what we said would always happen - my career is more likely to pay more than DPs when I qualify, so I said that he'd have to step-up and do the SAHP bit I did wirh our 1st. Why would I give up working to look after our kid when I earn the most money? We need the money.

As per previous posters you really should have talked his through before this point? Maybe you need to sit down and go through all the joint finances - like whet your direct debits are etc and maybe it will show that financially you don't have a choice but to go back to work?

I'm a mum but also the main breadwinner and it is incredibly stressful and there is a lot of pressure managing family finances so I can understand where your partner is coming from x

sorry I'm late to this but As you already know, you need to both sit down and have a very tough talk about finances. You OP are very vulnerable because you're not married, so you need to think of your own financial future which sadly means going back to work. I think in these circumstances at the end of your ML is sensible even if it's not what you want because your partner is unsupportive. As you're not married, you should both continue to split all costs including childcare. Perhaps proportionately rather than straight down the middle? I'm assuming your DP isn't going to like that when he realises how much his share will be. Maybe now you're going to want a cleaner so you don't have to spend precious free time with the baby cleaning, so he'll need to pay his share of that too. It will all add up. I think he needs a reality check TBH, he's a father with responsibilities now and needs to step up a bit and spend more time with his little family rather than with his friends.
I wouldn't even consider staying at home now until your DS is 1 with your DP's attitude. I think you're very vulnerable as he's made it clear he's rather selfish not happy to cut back on his fun money in order to do what would be best for his son. I think your DP needs to grow up a little. It's concerning that he's behaving like this.

This should have been settled before the baby. But you both have equal responsibility towards the child and this involves equal responsibility to earn money.

I went part time after my DS was born but that meant me and DH both earned equally. I went back after 8 months because we needed the money.

Having a baby does not give you the right to sit at home any longer than agreed with your DP, you have no right to expect to be kept.

If you move away from 50:50 arrangement it needs to be by mutual consent.

Wow.. no YANBU. You obviously do want to discuss with him as you said. Hes reluctant to discuss it and change his spending habits. Yes he gets a choice, but when you have a child the child comes first, not betting, nights out and new clothes. I cant believe so many people think you're unreasonable.. if you can manage if he cuts back on his spending then why not? Because his need to place bets etc is more important than the many hours you would gain with your son by going part time? Having kids brings sacrifice, it doesnt sound like hes done much of that so far. Talk to him.

So you want him to support you all financially but take away the things he probably uses to wind down from said stressful job. All so you can have time off? Wow.

Harry Really!! You think a man working to support his child is wrong?
So instead the mum should work, pay for the child, do housework and leave the dad with enough money to go out drinking with mates? Thankfully feminism happened.

Harry And women with useless men like the OP has, are almost always better off alone. The father pays maintenance, and does not have to do housework for their partner.

LIfeover Yes things should be 50:50. They are not. The OP does way more than her partner. And 50:50 is not about bringing in money. Raising a child matters too. Anyone who puts money before anything else is not a good partner or father.

In my experience unplanned pregnancies do tend to lead to a lot of resentment.

choli Not in mine. But depends what kind of person you are.

It's not that stressful being the sole bread winner.

Agreed.
Being up for yet another night with a screaming baby that won't sleep though, is very stressful.

He needs to step up and provide for his family no?

parenting responsibility comes in many forms and shapes. Also financial. Why do you think, OP, that it is right to abdicate the entire financial responsibility for the family to your DP?

clutter Why does OP's DP think he get to abdicate his entire responsibility for housework, cooking and childcare to his partner?

I don't understand why you want to stay with him, let alone be reliant on him financially if he's as you say he is.

I'm the higher earner. I'll probably have 12 weeks off when my next baby arrives in September. My partner will take shared parental leave. We have an equal relationship, if anything he does more around the house and with the kids. Having been in an unequal relationship then a single parent before I wouldn't accept less than equality. Being a single parent was easy in comparison but then I'm sure being financially independent made it easier. There's no way I'd stay with someone who was happy to see me do all the childcare and house work. Equally there's no way I'd stay with someone trying to force me to be the only earner.

I’ve been the sole earner. It was immensely stressful and I’m still mentally recovering from it several years later. That was a particular set of circumstances, but really unless your job is 100% redundancy proof, there will be an element of stress.

I found mat leave for DS2 an absolute joy, basically an extended holiday. He wasn’t a particularly good sleeper either.

I’d never willingly put anyone in the position where they were the sole earner.

Yanbu

Go with your gut.

I had years at home and it was the right thing.