AIBU expecting DP to fund everything?

[TLBftm]

Ok so I have a newborn. I’ve taken 9 months mat leave but I don’t plan on going back to my place of work, which will be fine as I’m only getting smp so won’t owe anything back. Reason being it’s over an hour away from home and I hated the place anyway, I was looking to move on when I discovered I was pregnant but stuck around then.

Anyway, I keep saying to DP we need to discuss what will happen after the 9 month but we just never get round to the convo.
I text him today saying can we discuss it tonight as we need to get a plan in place, he agreed and asked what I’m thinking about it all. To which I said, ideally, I’d like to take a year off and then go back part time for a while. I don’t want to leave my child with anyone else until he’s 1. And I want a day or two In the week with him when I do go back. He didn’t really like that response and mentioned money, then said let’s chat tonight. I asked what’s his thoughts or suggestions then, and he said he doesn’t know, he doesn’t really have an answer.

Is it unreasonable to expect him to pay everything so I can have a year off with my DS, then to foot more than we were once used to so I can work part time?

I feel like the convo is going to be awkward, he’s already paying our mortgage and bills and food. I use my smp for my direct debits and for DS. But he does complain about that. He’s used to carrying 100’s over each month and now he can’t. He spends a fair amount of money each month on football bets, beers with the lads and clothes, and other things that could easily be cut back on. I feel wrong to expect him to cut back. Not asking him to stop, but we would be ok money wise for me to take a year off and go back part time if he can make sacrifices, it’s just like he doesn’t wanna.

AIBU here? And how do I speak to him about this?! I think he feels it’s unfair he has to work full time and pay everything (that’s the vibe I get) but I see it as I’ve always worked and payed half, I’ve sacrificed a lot having DS (which I’m not complaining about) I run the household, cleaning cooking organising the shopping etc and general other things is women do. Again I’m not complaining or saying I want his help, truth is I’d rather do it all myself I enjoy it and know it’s all done and all done properly. So in saying that, I feel bad for saying this, he doesn’t do much for us.. if that makes sense? He’s a great DP and great Dad and we have a great relationship, I just don’t know how to make him see that he needs to step up financially.... or am I in the wrong?

What does everyone else do and how can I get this across?

You do sacrifice things once children come along.

She doesn’t want to be a sahp

Work part time then 🤷‍♀️

And she’s under no obligation to do it but - oh hang on, she does. And he likes it, bet he’d be loathe to give it up.

I’m sure people are seeing things.

She’s actually under no obligation to do it, she ENJOYS it and it’s HER choice to do it herself. She likes the idealism of a 1950’s housewife.

Irregardless of what we think, those are the OPs CHOICES, CHOICES THAT SHE ENJOYS DOING and has independently chosen to do so.

I haven’t once said the OP is BU for her choices, what I have said she is BU to unilaterally decide that HE has to be solely financially responsible for her choices she makes and therefore telling him how to live his lifestyle, with absolutely no regard for his concerns.

Not once has she said he’s a bad partner or father, she’s in fact said the complete opposite!

Me and my dh have his and her jobs, there is nothing wrong with that as that’s what we believe is best for our family, same applies for the OP.

She WANTS to work part time after an extra three months maternity leave, ffs.

Yes, we got that @Haud, my post literally said she was under no obligation to do it.

They are both very young (from my perspective) and hopefully will get used to the shock of having a child and earlier than they’d thought, and making the adjustments to their lives that they think best.

Yes YABU in being determined to reduce your workload and not fund your share of household costs (you don't mention what you earned before & whether this is a situation where what you earned would be totally sunk by commuting and childcare such that the family would be worse off with you working so I assume not). But the way you are thinking about the finances is off. You each contribute income, the bills get paid, there's money left... both of you have less post children as you BOTH have a child to pay for.

OP it seems like proper communication is sadly lacking in your relationship. Your first post, as others pointed out, refers to my child. And is about you deciding what you want to do so telling him what he has to do to make it possible.

This from another of your posts early on in the thread:

Things used to be totally 50/50 with money and what we pay for even though I take on the responsibility of everything else too... so I said to him he can either pay my share into mortgage bills and food and I’ll pay my deprecated debits and pay for DS or... I will still pay my share but I will have nothing left after that and so he’ll have to pay my direct debits and pay for the things DS needs...

It's all I will and he will have to.

What you want is not unreasonable. It's what many women want. But you can't just tell him and expect that he'll say yes sir. It may even be that the way you're presented it to him has made him dig his heels in, your sense that you're entitled to all of this and he has to 'step up'.

So have a proper discussion. Listen to him. Ask him to listen to you. Talk honestly about all the feelings you have, and let him tell you about his.

Then you can both work out how to move forward.

I never knew this my money / your money scenario was a thing before i joined mn, i assumed that all married couples just pooled resources e.g. dh earns 3.5k I earn 2.5k pm so if the bills are 3k we decide jointly what we do with whats left?

He isnt ‘ footing the bill for op to stay at home’ they just need to decide if the drop in income is manageable surely ?!

My DH would like me to be a SHM but when it comes to anything financial he needs an excel spread sheet reflecting all outgoings etc so it clicks in his head perhaps you should do three scenarios one where you work FT one PT and one SHM he may be suprised how little the difference is for the SHM and be a lot more willing.

melissasummerfield Neither did I. I have been sole breadwinner, DP has been sole breadwinner, and a variety of things in between. We have always pooled money.

It would be worth doing some calculations OP and showing what childcare would cost and what you'll bring home. You might well find that you have more money left if you work fewer hours. The reason being that because of tax and NI, your 5th day of the week is the worst paid. People who work fewer hours will keep a higher percentage of their earnings because NI doesn't kick in until about 8k and income tax until 12.5k. So if full time childcare would use up all your wages, you might find that 60% childcare actually doesn't.

Although if you're NHS, shifts might be an option/compulsory anyway? Personally I think he'd probably benefit from you being away every Saturday or whatever and have to do some solo childcare, and it would mean more money in the family kitty.

I'd also agree with the posters who think your DP is full of shit and this is in no way a 50s set up either. He is going to have to spend his money on childcare once you stop getting maternity pay, whether that's nursery/CM fees or paying your share of the bills. That's what happens when you have a baby. You'll need to ensure he's clear about this asap. You should also talk about paying bills proportionately to your salaries.

Any update OP?

Aside from who is right or wrong in this situation, it is extremely unwise for a woman to become a SAHM if she is not married to her partner.

Especially not one who resents having to fund the care of their child and have less spends because of it.

*As far as I can see he wants op to return to work, pay 50% of the bills and 100% of the childcare and do all the cooking cleaning and anything to do with his baby

At no point in this thread has the OP insulated this and the above contradicts this also, you must be reading a totally different thread to me*

So when is he going to fit in this 50/50 childcare and house work when he has had a few on a Friday night or when he had weekends or days out with his friends. Or when he has work in the morning

I do 50% of the childcare and manage to have a few on a Friday night. It’s like parents may as well just check into strangeways for 18 years or something

What @bumpitybumper said

What kind of man wants his child in being with strangers all day while its mother works
That’s My kind of man!we chose felons from the Guantanamo Nursery to ignore our kids
Went out or way to find the most reprehensible inarticulate goons we could
All in the avaricious pursuit of money,and lots of it too

LipstickHandbagCoffee

Ha!

The strangers argument always make me laugh. The same people then use pre school free hours and send their children to school rather than home educate. Obviously only certain strangers apply.

OP, what's the news?

Op I hope you found a fair solution for you. Yanbu btw.

yes YABU in being determined to reduce your workload and not fund your share of household costs (you don't mention what you earned before & whether this is a situation where what you earned would be totally sunk by commuting and childcare such that the family would be worse off with you working so I assume not).

If they can afford it, however tightly, and the mum wants to stay at home, she should. Why is it better for her to work and put the kid in childcare?