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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU expecting DP to fund everything?

436 replies

TLBftm · 09/05/2019 19:16

Ok so I have a newborn. I’ve taken 9 months mat leave but I don’t plan on going back to my place of work, which will be fine as I’m only getting smp so won’t owe anything back. Reason being it’s over an hour away from home and I hated the place anyway, I was looking to move on when I discovered I was pregnant but stuck around then.

Anyway, I keep saying to DP we need to discuss what will happen after the 9 month but we just never get round to the convo.
I text him today saying can we discuss it tonight as we need to get a plan in place, he agreed and asked what I’m thinking about it all. To which I said, ideally, I’d like to take a year off and then go back part time for a while. I don’t want to leave my child with anyone else until he’s 1. And I want a day or two In the week with him when I do go back. He didn’t really like that response and mentioned money, then said let’s chat tonight. I asked what’s his thoughts or suggestions then, and he said he doesn’t know, he doesn’t really have an answer.

Is it unreasonable to expect him to pay everything so I can have a year off with my DS, then to foot more than we were once used to so I can work part time?

I feel like the convo is going to be awkward, he’s already paying our mortgage and bills and food. I use my smp for my direct debits and for DS. But he does complain about that. He’s used to carrying 100’s over each month and now he can’t. He spends a fair amount of money each month on football bets, beers with the lads and clothes, and other things that could easily be cut back on. I feel wrong to expect him to cut back. Not asking him to stop, but we would be ok money wise for me to take a year off and go back part time if he can make sacrifices, it’s just like he doesn’t wanna.

AIBU here? And how do I speak to him about this?! I think he feels it’s unfair he has to work full time and pay everything (that’s the vibe I get) but I see it as I’ve always worked and payed half, I’ve sacrificed a lot having DS (which I’m not complaining about) I run the household, cleaning cooking organising the shopping etc and general other things is women do. Again I’m not complaining or saying I want his help, truth is I’d rather do it all myself I enjoy it and know it’s all done and all done properly. So in saying that, I feel bad for saying this, he doesn’t do much for us.. if that makes sense? He’s a great DP and great Dad and we have a great relationship, I just don’t know how to make him see that he needs to step up financially.... or am I in the wrong?

What does everyone else do and how can I get this across?

OP posts:
HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 10/05/2019 13:23

She’s not “forcing him to be the sole earner” any more than he “forced” her to have to give birth

Forced her to give birth - oh so he kidnapped her, forced her to be pregnant for 9 months and then forced the baby out of her body Hmm

Did she have absolutely no say to continue her pregnancy Hmm

Babies don’t need there mother, they need someone who will love them and care for them, if that is a Aunt, uncle, grandparent then so be it... many children (death, adoption, surrogacy) don’t have mothers and are perfectly well adjusted children/adults.

Yes Clarecmam you found it harder, many people find it easy, just because YOU found it hardndoes not mean everyone does. The OP has also not said and I repeat this!!! That he’s a bad father and bad partner!!! Not once, she has however said she likes the 1950’s role and that as a woman she thinks these jobs should be her responsibility, again not once has she said he forces her into this role!

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 10/05/2019 13:26

The OP hasn’t even spoke to her partner about any of this, her AIBU was asking how she can speak to him about this and yet people are making huge assumptions on him, simply because he is a man!!

If a man came on here and said what the Man was asking, the thread would be entirely different.

WaterOffaDucksCrack · 10/05/2019 13:27

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend yep, it's so wierd. I'm assuming if the op found it that difficult she wouldn't want to be a sahm.

She’s not “forcing him to be the sole earner” any more than he “forced” her to have to give birth fgs! she is if she's refusing to bring any money in.

Oliversmumsarmy · 10/05/2019 13:28

But she has tried to speak to him and he has rebuffed her.

WaterOffaDucksCrack · 10/05/2019 13:30

As far as I can see he wants op to return to work, pay 50% of the bills and 100% of the childcare and do all the cooking cleaning and anything to do with his baby. So why doesn't she leave then?

Pegsinarow · 10/05/2019 13:31

I think he should be aware that baby = less spare income.

When you discuss it, maybe put the proposition forward that you both go part time and both share equal amounts of childcare and cleaning?

Tunnockswafer · 10/05/2019 13:34

I'm assuming if the op found it that difficult she wouldn't want to be a sahm
She doesn’t? She wants to take maternity leave and then work part time. Talk about a straw man.

jacks11 · 10/05/2019 13:44

I think it depends on the agreement you had. If the original plan was for you to take 9 months of maternity leave and the back to work full time but now you want to do the full year and then go part-time, then you need to be in agreement. You cannot unilaterally decide things like this as that would be unfair. It is not unreasonable to say that's what you'd like to do and ask that you discuss it. And be prepared to listen to reasons why he doesn't agree with your suggestion- just as he should be prepared to listen to yours. But ultimately, if you want to change the agreement, then it's up to you to show how you can make it work.

Equally, you should not be doing 100% of childcare (outside of working hours) if you do go back to work full-time, nor should you be doing 100% of the household chores. Those should be shared equitably.

hellsbellsmelons · 10/05/2019 13:50

WOW OP - I can't believe you paid everything 50:50 when he earns a lot more than you do.
That's not a partnership.
You need to get this sorted out with him.
I hope the talk went well yesterday but I fear you gave in to all sorts of demands.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 10/05/2019 13:51

Tunnock - OP baby is only little (4 months I believe) and she’s only getting SMP for 9 months, she’s said she’s not going back to work for at least a year and then she will go part time.

However OP has her own bills to pay, and currently her partner pays all household bills, so after the 9 months, she believes her partner should pay her bills as well as all household bills until she can find another job (which may take many months)

Her partner is willing to speak to her about it, they just haven’t got around to it before last night, her partner rightly is worried about finances, he hasn’t told her No, she just has a feeling he won’t like it... however she also feels her partner should support her in HER decision in wanting to stay T home and him solely be the main provider) and he shouldn’t get a say in this ( she has not advised she can see she may be unreasonable in this)

Her partner is also not forcing her to do the majority of the household chores... she likes being an1950’s wife and feels as a woman it should be her responsibility.

Posters have jumped to conclusions and think this man should have absolutely no say in any of this, apparently he should just shut up and put up.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 10/05/2019 13:56

He’s really not a band person. He’s a great dad, he’s amazing with me and treats me the best! I can’t knock him. In honesty, he probably would chip in with housework and cooking etc if I asked, he did a lot while I was heavily pregnant, I just don’t ask cos I’m happy doing it myself. I don’t think I’m being a mug and I think I may have painted a picture of a bad set up but it’s really not. We are both genuinely happy. POST FROM THE OP

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 10/05/2019 13:58

As far as I can see he wants op to return to work, pay 50% of the bills and 100% of the childcare and do all the cooking cleaning and anything to do with his baby

At no point in this thread has the OP insulated this and the above contradicts this also, you must be reading a totally different thread to me.

Tunnockswafer · 10/05/2019 14:00

Yes, that’s what I’ve said. She wants to take maternity leave (you get a year in the UK) and then work part time.
The dp has said he didn’t want her returning to the same job, and that it would be good if she was at home all the time. But not in an actual, let’s make a plan for this way. I was gung ho about returning to work full time when I had my first baby, I still did it but I was miserable, and also exhausted due to dc bfing all evening to make up for the days, and not sleeping through till a year and a half. You can make all the plans you want, but they may need to be adapted when the reality sinks in. Whichever of us has worked part time or been on leave we have always put our money together, that’s just what is fair.

Tunnockswafer · 10/05/2019 14:01

“He probably would chip in with housework if I asked”
What part of that phrase makes you see a decent human being who respects women as equals?

clairemcnam · 10/05/2019 14:04

Those saying he is a decent man obviously have much lower standards for a decent man than I do.

Tevion10 · 10/05/2019 14:11

Don't keep slating the op it takes 2 to produce a baby he should also have thought it through if his dp was going to have his flesh and blood.

Hollowvictory · 10/05/2019 14:12

Yes but it was an accident the pregnancy rather than her thinking he would make a great dad and partner.

Tevion10 · 10/05/2019 14:14

Accident or not both are solely responsible

Tevion10 · 10/05/2019 14:14

Men can be really selfish

Coyoacan · 10/05/2019 15:40

Men can be really selfish

This man is really selfish and I, a woman, can be too.

I've always dreamt of having a 1950s housewife. I know if my mother had allowed me to stay at home, doing fuck all, I would have stayed at home doing fuck all.

This man has won the jackpot, not so his partner.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 10/05/2019 16:21

Men can be really selfish

So can women. In those case the OP wants her DP to give up all his luxuries so she can work less. That's highly selfish in my opinion.

HJWT · 10/05/2019 16:26

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss yes because she doesn't work enough cleaning his home, looking after his baby, doing his shopping, also looking after his baby whilst he goes down the pub every week and has weekends away with friends 🙄

LaurieMarlow · 10/05/2019 16:33

because she doesn't work enough cleaning his home, looking after his baby, doing his shopping

Childcare aside, if he doesn’t want to support her to run his home, he’s under no obligation to.

Alsohuman · 10/05/2019 16:54

And she’s under no obligation to do it but - oh hang on, she does. And he likes it, bet he’d be loathe to give it up.

LaurieMarlow · 10/05/2019 17:02

And he likes it, bet he’d be loathe to give it up.

Well it’s up to him isn’t it? Having a SAHP has to be a mutual decision.