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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU expecting DP to fund everything?

436 replies

TLBftm · 09/05/2019 19:16

Ok so I have a newborn. I’ve taken 9 months mat leave but I don’t plan on going back to my place of work, which will be fine as I’m only getting smp so won’t owe anything back. Reason being it’s over an hour away from home and I hated the place anyway, I was looking to move on when I discovered I was pregnant but stuck around then.

Anyway, I keep saying to DP we need to discuss what will happen after the 9 month but we just never get round to the convo.
I text him today saying can we discuss it tonight as we need to get a plan in place, he agreed and asked what I’m thinking about it all. To which I said, ideally, I’d like to take a year off and then go back part time for a while. I don’t want to leave my child with anyone else until he’s 1. And I want a day or two In the week with him when I do go back. He didn’t really like that response and mentioned money, then said let’s chat tonight. I asked what’s his thoughts or suggestions then, and he said he doesn’t know, he doesn’t really have an answer.

Is it unreasonable to expect him to pay everything so I can have a year off with my DS, then to foot more than we were once used to so I can work part time?

I feel like the convo is going to be awkward, he’s already paying our mortgage and bills and food. I use my smp for my direct debits and for DS. But he does complain about that. He’s used to carrying 100’s over each month and now he can’t. He spends a fair amount of money each month on football bets, beers with the lads and clothes, and other things that could easily be cut back on. I feel wrong to expect him to cut back. Not asking him to stop, but we would be ok money wise for me to take a year off and go back part time if he can make sacrifices, it’s just like he doesn’t wanna.

AIBU here? And how do I speak to him about this?! I think he feels it’s unfair he has to work full time and pay everything (that’s the vibe I get) but I see it as I’ve always worked and payed half, I’ve sacrificed a lot having DS (which I’m not complaining about) I run the household, cleaning cooking organising the shopping etc and general other things is women do. Again I’m not complaining or saying I want his help, truth is I’d rather do it all myself I enjoy it and know it’s all done and all done properly. So in saying that, I feel bad for saying this, he doesn’t do much for us.. if that makes sense? He’s a great DP and great Dad and we have a great relationship, I just don’t know how to make him see that he needs to step up financially.... or am I in the wrong?

What does everyone else do and how can I get this across?

OP posts:
clairemcnam · 10/05/2019 11:14

LaurieMarlow I accept what you are saying, but I really don't understand it. I did not find being a sole earner stressful. I can understand that if you work in a job where redundancy is a real threat, that would be stressful. But I don't worry about redundancy unless it is a realistic threat.
I have also been in the position where we need both wages, so any redundancy for one of us would have led to homelessness.

But I also know that people get stressed about very different things. DP also does not get stressed when he has been sole earner when I was very ill. He does get stressed at the idea of organising big events or parties, which I love doing and really enjoy.

Of course the idea of not having an income is a nightmare. But some people seem to get stressed about what ifs. And others really don't and focus on what is actually happening.

WaterOffaDucksCrack · 10/05/2019 11:21

Go with your gut. I had years at home and it was the right thing. it's not a realistic option for the OP though because her partner doesn't want to be the only earner. Even if they can manage on his salary alone he may not want to give up certain things because his partner doesn't want to work. I know it's seen as a sin on here to want a lifestyle above living on the breadline but it doesn't make him a bad person.

Tunnockswafer · 10/05/2019 11:24

If he wants to gamble and drink rather than have his child at home with a parent for half the week, I do judge him.

clairemcnam · 10/05/2019 11:25

But he has to give up those things anyway, as the childcare cost in a nursery is the same as the Op can earn.
The reality is the DP wants to continue as if he does not have a baby. He is a selfish fucker.

Tunnockswafer · 10/05/2019 11:31

He doesn’t come across well, does he, and I’m surprised some posters think he will step up with housework when OP returns to work, when he didn’t even do it before they had a baby!
The needs of the baby seem to be fairly low down the list of many poster’s concerns here. I’d have an easier life if I worked full time instead of part time (because always playing catch-up at work) but my kids wouldn’t.

WaterOffaDucksCrack · 10/05/2019 11:32

He might have a different view though. I know many dads who would love to go part time like their partners but their partners refuse to work. I wouldn't be happy if my partner wanted me to cut back on things I enjoy so that they didn't have to work. So one person gets a leisurely lifestyle (and yes it is leisurely because you can see friends/family, go where you like and have no time constraints etc) and loads of time with their baby. Whilst the other goes to work then is expectedto do half of everything at home and no money for things they enjoy.

clairemcnam · 10/05/2019 11:33

Most of the posters are thinking of the needs of the DP first. Agreed the baby is an afterthought.

clairemcnam · 10/05/2019 11:33

And my dad was pretty useless. But even he would not have put going out drinking and gambling before the needs of his own kids.

WaterOffaDucksCrack · 10/05/2019 11:34

The needs of the baby seem to be fairly low down the list of many poster’s concerns here. I’d have an easier life if I worked full time instead of part time (because always playing catch-up at work) but my kids wouldn’t. many full time workers work around each other or compressed hours so the baby is in childcare less if at all.

clairemcnam · 10/05/2019 11:34

wateroffaduckscrack Have you actually looked after a baby by yourself for any length of time?

clairemcnam · 10/05/2019 11:36

And I would not work compressed hours with a DP who won't do any housework or cooking. This can work very well with a partner who does 50% of everything. Otherwise nope.

WaterOffaDucksCrack · 10/05/2019 11:36

Yep. A year with my first because I couldn't work due to also being a carer for a family member. I find looking after babies easy. Also my step son who has lived with us full time most of his life. Again, easy compared to working full time in a stressful job then coming home doing dinner, getting kids sorted bla bla bla

WaterOffaDucksCrack · 10/05/2019 11:37

Why would you be with a partner who didn't pull their weight though?

clairemcnam · 10/05/2019 11:38

You obviously had an easy baby.
But then I don't find work stressful or hard, I find it stimulating.

clairemcnam · 10/05/2019 11:39

The OP is with a partner that does not pull their weight, as are many many mothers.
You can not answer a thread looking at the ideal, you have to look at the situation people are actually in.

WaterOffaDucksCrack · 10/05/2019 11:47

Oh yeah a super easy baby! Didn't sleep properly til age 3! It's just easy to entertain babies and children imo. Work can be stressful because I'm always on call and responsible for the wellbeing of everyone in my building. I love my job. But being at home is easier imo.

Why do they stay with such men though? Or have babies with them in the first place? And keep having babies with them?

clairemcnam · 10/05/2019 11:52

I managed a company and staff. Found it stimulating and not stressful.
People find different things stressful.
I find a lack of challenge and intellectual stimulation stressful and difficult. I need it to be happy. I know when I can no longer work because of ill health that I will need to find something to do to stimulate myself. I am actually at my happiest when very busy, and the only responsibility that would stress me is if it was a life or death situation.

Women think men will change. They don't. There is a reason the divorce rate is so high and that women are most likely to file for divorce.

BuckingFrolics · 10/05/2019 12:03

Hope the talk went well OP, because your Current situation is frankly a disaster waiting to happen.

Tunnockswafer · 10/05/2019 12:19

Waterbabies we are teachers so the only options are part time or full time. My days at home with the dc are easier than my days at work as I’m my own boss, but the days at work are harder than dh’s often as I have more to fit in in a shorter time. We have swapped round and he’s been part time too, to be honest I do a better job of being at home and achieve more.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 10/05/2019 13:05

clairemcnam

wateroffaduckscrack Have you actually looked after a baby by yourself for any length of time?

Honestly Claire’s mum, what on earth has that got to do with it - it’s not a competition of whose lives is harder Confused

OP doesn’t need to put her child in childcare she can work evenings, self employment etc... there are other options to the standard 9-5

Me and my husband worked around each other, I worked evenings he worked during the day.

He’s already currently paying ALL the bills and the OP hasn’t said anything about him being bad father or partner.

OP is choosing to do all the household chores, that’s her CHOICE, her partner is forcing her to do anything against her will, but equally she is trying to force him to be 100% the sole earner.

That is not a healthy or equal partnership. She cannot dictate to him that he lives a certain lifestyle because she wants it!

I’d personally be extremely unhappy if my husband forced me into a situation like this.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 10/05/2019 13:07

**Her partner is NOT forcing

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 10/05/2019 13:10

WaterOffaDucksCrack

Don’t you just love the whole my baby/my must have been harder Hmm - idiotic generalisation simply because you disagree with a few words on a screen (they think they then can generalise on your life) absolutely absurd.

clairemcnam · 10/05/2019 13:12

I disagreed with the idea that looking after a baby was easy, and that being at work full time was very stressful.

And lets not pretend that the OPs DP would step up and do half the housework here and childcare. You can deal in fairytales if you want to.

goldenflame · 10/05/2019 13:15

She’s not “forcing him to be the sole earner” any more than he “forced” her to have to give birth fgs!

This is life. Babies need their mother. He needs to deal with that reality - just like everyone else on the planet.

He has said he’s not prepared to stay at home. So the only alternative is to support her to do so in his absence.

She’s not asking to be a SAHM indefinitely fgs! Just a few more months.

They won’t save money through using childcare anyway.

I can’t believe men life this actually exist and are actually reproducing.

Oliversmumsarmy · 10/05/2019 13:23

WaterOffaDucksCrack the impression I get is the Dp doesn’t want the baby in childcare, but neither does he want op to stay at home for another 3 months.

He doesn’t want to do any cleaning, or cooking a meal or do any form of childcare but also wants op to work full time and do everything.

As far as I can see he wants op to return to work, pay 50% of the bills and 100% of the childcare and do all the cooking cleaning and anything to do with his baby.

Problem being op doesn’t earn enough to cover this and he doesn’t want to give up his betting, drinking, nights out and weekends away.

Yet we have people on here saying that op is being very unreasonable because she won’t uphold her end whilst not being realistic of where that would leave her.