AIBU to think making friends in a rural market town is hard?

[WhisperingPines]

(I may have to split this post into 2 parts if it gets too long - apologies!)

I’m 51, DH is 60. Married for 21 years. No children.

14 years ago we moved from London to a small, rural market town. I thought making friends in a small community would be easy…

I’m self-employed and I work mainly from home. I also go on business trips – I’m away for ± 1 week out of every 5 or 6 weeks.

DH and I like this town. It’s charming and chocolate box pretty. It’s clean and crime levels are low, but I find the social aspect of living here rather disappointing. People are very friendly and courteous but ‘casual acquaintances’ hardly ever transition into ‘friends’, let alone close friends.

The town has a population of ± 13,000 and consists predominantly of 1) families with pre-school & school age children, 2) teenagers & people in their early twenties, and 3) retired/elderly people. The town is family-oriented, and caters especially to parents, their children and the retired community.

We’ve lived here for nearly 14 years and I’ve not made one friend the same age as me! We do have a small circle of friends but they’re all older than me (mid/late 50s to early 60s). We met most of these people not long after we moved here, and some others a couple of years later.

However we haven’t made any new friends since around 2011/2012 …

We meet up with the same group of friends 2 or 3 times per year, mainly to mark special occasions. However, trying to get our friends to commit to meeting up with us/me on an individual basis (as opposed to a group situation) - be it for coffee in town, a pint at a local pub, or dining out at weekends, is like pulling teeth!
Perhaps our friends have ‘moved on’ as their personal lives and family circumstances have changed over the years?

When I turned 50 I decided I’d waited long enough for new friendships to develop ‘naturally’. DH and I felt that we had relied on the same circle of friends for too long, so I wanted to try new things and meet new people.

I joined a friendly local gym and I started going for walks. So I’m doing new activities and I keep fit, which is great. I make small talk with other people in the gym and with other walkers I meet, but that’s about it. I’m not really making new friends and I feel I haven’t really achieved an awful lot.

TO BE CONTINUED …

I tried a local walking group once, but their walks start mid-morning on a weekday, which is a workday for me, so not convenient. There were about 15-20 people in the group and they were lovely, but they were ALL retired/elderly folk.

The same goes for charity coffee mornings. They usually take place on weekdays, when people like me are working. These types of activities seem to be aimed at people who are free during the day. Why? I wish they took place at weekends!

Yet DH and I like living here. We like the look and the atmosphere of this town. It has a lot going for it, but most of the time I feel that I live among the ‘wrong’ demographic. It is a traditional set up. Not a lot of social diversity here.

I feel that if you’re over 45/50 (we are), don’t have children (we don’t), or relatives living nearby (no), you’re not retired (we’re not) or you don’t take part in church life (we don’t), you get overlooked by others quite easily.

It’s rare that our friends contact DH and me spontaneously, to ask how we are, for a chat, to meet up with us. We never get invited to BBQs, parties, drinks in the pub, etc. If we don’t initiate first, no one ever gets in touch!

I regularly contact friends individually (as opposed to a group situation) to initiate a meet up/night out, but often they’re busy, or away, or they’re booked up weeks ahead doing family-related things, seeing ageing parents, hobbies, etc. It can take them several weeks to commit or to agree on a mutually convenient date. We do meet up eventually, but nothing is ever done spontaneously, or decided on quickly. I find it really frustrating trying to arrange simple, casual meet ups, then having to chase (some) people for a reply, and then maybe meeting up a couple of weeks later! Why is it so complicated??

It feels one-sided. It would be nice if our friends contacted us first, for a change. It often feels like people don’t have much time for us, even if we initiate first.

My interests are: food & wine, dining out, countryside pubs, street markets, UK & foreign travel, community events, festivals, museums and art galleries, going to exhibitions, modern art & architecture, National Trust & English Heritage, photography, social history, music, going to gigs and rock festivals, country walks, cycling, the gym, going to the occasional football match.

Sadly both my parents and my 2 sets of grandparents are no longer alive, and ALL my other relatives live abroad.
I have no siblings and no children either. So I rely on friends for company.

I don’t want just my DH for company. He’s lovely but he has no ‘social’ hobbies or interests, and he doesn’t have his own social circle. He’s a homebody. He says he lacks the desire and the energy to meet new people.

At 51 years old I feel like I’m ‘trapped’ here and that life is quickly passing me by. I feel really lonely. Do we live in the ‘wrong’ town? Or is it us/me?

From my experience many years ago of living in a teeeeeny place called Buckland Dinham (population at the time about 200!) we ended up going to the local pub (normally prefer something at home in front of the TV in jammies). It took about 2 years of regular visits before people started to engage properly with us other than polite small talk. I am happy in my own company but partner at the time wanted to engage with others understandably. Other than that, it might not be your cup of tea but the WI or UE3 might help you meet others that may provide an opportunity to forge some new friendships.

I live in a simialr place. Am 53 we've been here 4 years.

There are loads of opportunities once you start digging. Have you found the local pages yet?

Stuff like University of the 3rd Age can be useful.

Our running club has a walking division and they set up walks as and when needed. There is also a edicated walking club that I have persuaded to run summer evening walks for those of us who work.

Dog walking group has also been persuaded... I have to lead those walks :)

You do have to do a bit more 'putting yourself about' to get an in! That's normal when half the town lives a hundred yards from where it was born and the other half moved in but work elsewhere.

Keep pushing. Nosy into any and every opportunity! You only need 1 hit and you are in - as I have found!

I moved to a small market town on my own in my 30s. Tbh, I found that the best and longest lasting friendships came through employment, but as you are self employed that's a bit difficult! The next few friends came via walking my dog and meeting the same people over and over again. After that it was being on a few small local committees and getting to know people through our shared interests.
We moved from there (I had met my h by then) to a rural village 18 years ago and I have a few friends here. I am actually rather anti social anyway, so I don't want to maintain more than the 4 or 5 good friendships I already have.
My h is a keen cyclist and quite social. He is forever out with his club or various neighbours. So I would say finding a shared interest is probably the best way - or get a dog.

I am like a broken record but I always say that of you are in a small rural town and are a worker and have no kids, the only way to actually attain a social circle is the golf club or the badminton club.

Cos they're the only group activities at the weekends. And they also incorporate social events like Christmas Dos and such. You may or may not make friends but you do gain a "circle".

I think it's just that the 'pool' of potential people who are on your wavelength is reduced due to the size of the town.

I'm late 40's, moved to our rural market town almost 20 years ago from a very large, very urban town. It took me a few goes and about 10 years of attending various groups and activities to settle on one where I suddenly met lots of people I clicked with. My advice would be to pursue activities that you're interested in for their own sake rather than with the aim of making friends. I think it's easier for friendships to form naturally out of a shared interest.

If you're in the south west I've got just the mate for you. She's 50, child-free, married and has struggled for 10 years to make friends in a small rural town.

Sorry, I don't know what to suggest. All my recently-made friends have come via DS and school stuff.

DH has made some good friends through karate. Can you join a sports club?

I second the regular pub visits, at least once a week. Sit at the bar, get to know the staff and regulars and before you know it you'll have people that you chat with regularly. That'll probably lead on to other invites.
Are there any other local hobby groups that you could join, maybe something where sitting and chatting goes hand in hand with the hobby like family history, art, foreign languages, crafting, photography?
Have a look if there's anything to volunteer at - library, litter picking, local committees, kids groups, local council.
Do you have a local info pages or book delivered? Have a look through that and go to anything and everything that might interest you.
Do you use local facilities - shops, sports places, parks?

If you're 50 and you're mixing with people who are mid to late 50's I'd say you possibly are in denial about your age. That IS your age group ! Does it matter how old someone is if you like them? I have friends from 35-70 and one friend who is 65 is so unbelievably interesting I can spend loads of time with her.

Thank you very much for the suggestions. There are a few social groups here and I have looked into them. However, the members of the groups I am potentially interested are all older/elderly people. Very few people my own age, or younger.

I'm not naturally a 'joiner' of groups and clubs. Never have been. And I'm not sure how it would work with my job. I'm away for work for about 1 week out of every 5 or 6 weeks. It is never on set days of the week and it involves weekend work too. If a group meets on Tuesdays, for example, and I am away Tuesday to Tuesday then I would already miss 2 meet ups/sessions.

However I am a social person and I am looking for friends to share with me the activities I enjoy, e.g. going to art galleries and exhibitions, or going to events, or a day of excursions, or shopping, or meeting up for a drink, a bite to eat, etc.

Ideally I would like to maximise the friendships with the people I already know, AND meet new people as well.
I don't know why the people we already know are not more spontaneous towards DH and me. We've known them for all these years now.

Sometimes when I contact people and ask them to meet up (usually via Whatsapp, email or text) some of them don't even reply. Or they respond much later, after the day or the event has passed, usually to say that they've been busy.
Or it can happen that someone says 'we must get together one of these days' but when I actually try and book a date in the diary they go kind of silent, and then I have to chase them.

I was just wondering if I'm doing anything wrong. DH and I are always friendly to people. I don't see what the problem is.

I read this with interest I am soon to move to a rural market town from centre of B'ham and I am worried that I will be cut off It is difficult to meet other like minds as well Iam getting a part time position so that will probably help but yes It does concern me also Have scenned facebook and other local sources May have to try WI or some such …… here's hoping

If you're 50 and you're mixing with people who are mid to late 50's I'd say you possibly are in denial about your age. That IS your age group ! Does it matter how old someone is if you like them?

No, their age doesn't matter as long as we can share things that we have in common. I am already mixing with people who are a bit older than me (mid/late 50s to early 60s - my own DH is 60) but as I said in my post, they are friendly and courteous, but they are not always responsive or pro-active, i.e. they don't seem to have much time for us, even if we initiate meetups first. They hardly ever contact us spontaneously to do things together.

I also find it a strange that I have not managed to find a friend my own age in the 14 years we've lived here. That's from age 37 to 51.

You are being too fussy about who you make friends with.
I clicked on your post to say 'join some clubs, do some volunteering, you will meet loads of people, I have.'
I have been in my small market town for about 5 years and know loads of people now, I can't walk down the street without several people saying hi and stopping to chat.
But my friends sound like they wouldn't count for you because they are mostly old ladies! I am 47, my next youngest local friend has just turned 50.
I also do some volunteering in another town and have met some brilliant people through that - again, mostly older than me!
I just don't see why it has to matter?!

We are in a similar position, but met a lot of people by going to the local pub. We are not drinkers, and only have half a pint each visit. If you go a few times a week, you'll get to know people. But they won't necessarily want to do things with you on your own. We've been on a few group meals though.

Maybe you need to adjust your expectations to what people want to do with friends. Most centre round activities or sport here.

Re your job taking you away sometimes, you just find the kind of activity where it doesn't cause problems if you're not there every meeting. I am in a craft group where some people come without fail every week, others come when their work rota lets them. It's fine.

You say you like National Trust and English Heritage - have you thought of volunteering with them?

Is there a WI in your town?
I've recently moved to a small village, don't know anyone apart from my neighbours either side but have just been along to my local WI meeting.
It's only once a month but found it interesting. And the ages ranged from 35 -70.

You have described the place where I live. Unfortunately you don’t have much in common with the people who live there by the sounds of it. I’m sure that once you reach retirement age it will get easier though.

Yes,WI is great ime.

Depends on the town - we moved to one with kids and it was bloody hard to meet people to get from knowing people to friendship- apparently town was well known in wider area for being secularly insular.

IL live in small rural town the joined walking group well before retirement they do a min walk one evening and a big one at weekend – so such things do exist in some places it’s just finding them.

If you’re not going to move then you need to find and try new groups – basically keep trying.

It sounds like the friends you have are not close friends but more of the acquaintance sort, and they don't want to become closer friends. So I would stop trying to make that happen.
I do find it strange that at 50 you are saying your age groups is 37-51, that is not the case at all.
I suspect the younger age range of your preferred demographic are still bringing up kids.
You need to go out and get involved in more things. Whether going to the pub regularly, joining groups or playing sports. A lot of groups will be full of older people as they are retired and have the time to go to groups. Most people your age are busy working full time and do not have a lot of time to go out to groups in the evening.

To be fair you do sound a bit intense

Personally I think when looking to move somewhere new, it is important to consider whether you fit in.

Other place to consider is the church. Or look on meet up.

*You are being too fussy about who you make friends with.

But my friends sound like they wouldn't count for you because they are mostly old ladies!

I just don't see why it has to matter?!*

Perhaps I should have phrased it differently ...
I already have friends who are older than me (mid/late 50s to early 60s). I am not being ageist. It's just that the friendships with these people are not what I had expected them to be. Meeting up in group for drinks or a meal 2 or 3 times per year is not enough for me. I'm trying to initiate meet ups / nights out with the people we know, but often I feel it's one-sided, with me making the effort to organise things, and often without the desired response and result.

I do like meeting up with people in a group from time to time but I really enjoy doing things with people individually.
At the moment I have no one I could call a 'confidante', or someone to talk to about things I feel I cannot discuss with DH (purely because he's not necessarily interested in he things that interest me).

I am in a similar situation. I moved to a rural market town from a small university city not long ago. Not made a friend (I'm mot good at this anyway) and I seem to have lost the ones I had before; I'm barely 20 mins up the road! I tried MeetUp but got ignored. My town is quite elderly in population terms but I don't mind what age people are. Having ASD doesn't help I suppose but I am friendly and can have a conversation; I might just not be able to do eye contact much.