AIBU to think making friends in a rural market town is hard?

[WhisperingPines]

(I may have to split this post into 2 parts if it gets too long - apologies!)

I’m 51, DH is 60. Married for 21 years. No children.

14 years ago we moved from London to a small, rural market town. I thought making friends in a small community would be easy…

I’m self-employed and I work mainly from home. I also go on business trips – I’m away for ± 1 week out of every 5 or 6 weeks.

DH and I like this town. It’s charming and chocolate box pretty. It’s clean and crime levels are low, but I find the social aspect of living here rather disappointing. People are very friendly and courteous but ‘casual acquaintances’ hardly ever transition into ‘friends’, let alone close friends.

The town has a population of ± 13,000 and consists predominantly of 1) families with pre-school & school age children, 2) teenagers & people in their early twenties, and 3) retired/elderly people. The town is family-oriented, and caters especially to parents, their children and the retired community.

We’ve lived here for nearly 14 years and I’ve not made one friend the same age as me! We do have a small circle of friends but they’re all older than me (mid/late 50s to early 60s). We met most of these people not long after we moved here, and some others a couple of years later.

However we haven’t made any new friends since around 2011/2012 …

We meet up with the same group of friends 2 or 3 times per year, mainly to mark special occasions. However, trying to get our friends to commit to meeting up with us/me on an individual basis (as opposed to a group situation) - be it for coffee in town, a pint at a local pub, or dining out at weekends, is like pulling teeth!
Perhaps our friends have ‘moved on’ as their personal lives and family circumstances have changed over the years?

When I turned 50 I decided I’d waited long enough for new friendships to develop ‘naturally’. DH and I felt that we had relied on the same circle of friends for too long, so I wanted to try new things and meet new people.

I joined a friendly local gym and I started going for walks. So I’m doing new activities and I keep fit, which is great. I make small talk with other people in the gym and with other walkers I meet, but that’s about it. I’m not really making new friends and I feel I haven’t really achieved an awful lot.

TO BE CONTINUED …

Hi OP, no I know exactly what you mean and I think it’s reasonable to want to have sociable friends who are on the same wavelength as you.
I think that age is a slight red herring. What you’re saying is that you want a small group of people you can call on a Saturday and say, ‘Fancy a coffee in town?’ More casual but frequent socialising, where one thing leads to another and before you know it, it’s the evening and you’ve ended up in a restaurant, having called a few more friends to join. My husband and I call this ‘American style friends’!

Hmmmm...... controversial - and hear me out - but I would consider moving. The fact that a town is beautiful is not enough of a reason to stay somewhere that doesn’t suit you. Life is short, and social life is one of the most important things in it.

Less drastic (although jumping in at the deep end), can you ask your social butterfly friend what she thinks? Why, in her opinion, you have failed to construct the social circle you want? And please ask her to be brutally honest, because if she is, she may well give you the answer you’ve been looking for.

What do you think?

By the way, I think you’re doing all the right things and I really admire you for actually taking action and trying to make a change! Asking for personal advice isn’t for the faint hearted, which is why I especially wanted to write and help out (in any way!)

It might be worth trying the local library if you still have one, I’ve made friends there through groups like book group and craft and chat. Also I go to a leisure club at a local hotel and have met people there through doing yoga, Pilates and Zumba. My closest friends though are the ones I met through having my children. I’m your age but still have late teens at home.

I’m 39 and one of my closest friends is nearly 65. I met her at work and we just clicked. It’s more important to have things in common than what age people are.

Anyway, she has been single for 30 odd years now (has a grown up son) and obviously has a lot of free time to fill. I’ve noticed she goes to lots of exercise groups like Zumba, yoga etc and has made little groups of friends from all of them. She does a book group too which has formed splinter groups of friends.

Just be open to people no matter what sex or age they are.

Hi OP,
Have you posted this before or elsewhere as it is very familiar?
I think that half the issue here is that you work alone from home, so when you have little social life also it is doubly isolating.
Presumably your work life can't change so you need to really work at finding the local social opportunities. We live in a small market town and there are always volunteer opportunities with youth groups, charity shops, community events etc. There's also a local history group: you may not be into local history but some of those people may have an interest in architecture, for example. There's a local amdram and a local opera group: there may be people there who would like a trip out to galleries etc. I think it's a matter of digging out the activities which may be tenuously linked to your interests.It needs to be things in the evening/weekends because people in our age bracket tend to be out at work in the daytime. It is doable though: it will take courage and a thorough search of all the community groups available. Good luck!

Hey OP, completely understand where you are coming from! Am in my 40s, no kids and in a small rural town. Very much like yours - young families or retired folk. It's hard because friend groups tend to already be very well established, or (because the majority are parents) meet ups tend to be playdates/ hard to organise/ home visits (theirs)
I second the local pub idea -join the darts team maybe, go to quiz nights etc. I also volunteered and made a point of saying hello to any neighbours in my age range. Eventually, I made a couple of close friends but it is tough with no family near by. I also took some evening classes in the next town over. If you really are lonely though, I echo the pp who suggested looking to move. I'd also say (and will probably get flamed for) that a lack of children does feel more pronounced in a small town than a bigger or more connected one; I've been lucky to be invited to a few dinner parties, but when the bulk of the convo is around kids it does get a little disheartening, because you can't contribute and feel more on the outside. Best of luck OP and well done for being proactive!

What you’re saying is that you want a small group of people you can call on a Saturday and say, ‘Fancy a coffee in town?’ More casual but frequent socialising, where one thing leads to another and before you know it, it’s the evening and you’ve ended up in a restaurant, having called a few more friends to join.

Yes, I would love that!

I would consider moving. The fact that a town is beautiful is not enough of a reason to stay somewhere that doesn’t suit you. Life is short, and social life is one of the most important things in it.

I like this town a lot but I would be open to the idea of moving. DH, on the other hand, would not want to move to a bigger town. In fact he likes rural villages with just 1 pub, but they would be too isolated and claustrophobic for me (even if they're pretty).

can you ask your social butterfly friend what she thinks? Why, in her opinion, you have failed to construct the social circle you want? And please ask her to be brutally honest, because if she is, she may well give you the answer you’ve been looking for.

I could ask her. She is always brutally honest. And we've known each other since we were in nursery school together.
Also the town I grew up in in my home country is larger than the town DH and I live in. The population in my home town is just over 41,000 (vs 13,000 here). There are a lot more community events and festivals too.

I think that half the issue here is that you work alone from home, so when you have little social life also it is doubly isolating.

Thanks for your post notatwork

I work alone from home and it can be isolating. I go days or even weeks without having talked to a friend (as opposed to a casual hello to the postman or the person at the till in my local supermarket)! I am busy during the day and I talk to clients and suppliers on the telephone, and I talk to DH in the evenings.

It would be nice if once, just once, one of my existing friends/acquaintances contacted me to say 'its been a while, let's meet for coffee this Saturday' or just 'how are you, shall we meet up for drinks at the weekend'?
I do accept that other people have busy lives too but at least I make the effort to contact them every now and then.

Perhaps I should ring people rather than email or text? Texts and emails can be ignored or overlooked.

In any case there are some local events coming up in the area the next couple of weekends and I shall definitely make an effort to go.

MariaNovella, so metropolitan she's provincial...

Wonder if the ignorant townie will get that reference... Perhaps it's too intellectual for them!

Haven't managed to read all responses, but one thing that jumped out at me from your list of hobbies is that you like community events. Do you volunteer for any of these (and by that I mean go on the committee)? These events usually need many hands, and having someone volunteer to come and do a proper share of the work would usually be very welcome. I started doing this via my children (pre-school committees, then PTA), but I now help organise a community event, and the committee is a real mix of people. Maybe if you can identify an area that you could help with (so I have a finance background and tend to do Treasurer roles, we have someone with a PR background who is excellent at getting us press recognition etc - everyone has their strengths).

And walking - do you have a dog? There is certainly a dog-walking community where I live.

We moved to a similar rural market town about 10 years ago and live in a village just outside it. We have made very good friends by going to the local (village) pub a few times a week, the same people go after work, early doors. So we go about 6 and are home by 7. From that we suggested trying out a new restaurant last Thursday night of the month with another couple and that has grown.

I don't know how you would feel about this suggestion but its been great for us - beating on the local shoots. Exercise, fresh air, walking your dog with you and having your packed lunch in a barn half way with lots of banter and slow gin. We love it.

Do you say none of your friends have children, or if they do they have moved out. So surely grandchildren must be part of the equation now, and elderly parents and possibly full time jobs. So really a very similar picture of a busy family life in some cases.

Also you mentioned that many had lived there for generations. So they may have old school friends, neighbours and social circles already and have no need for more.

In your position I would consider moving, because I think you have made every effort, and should not be having to scratch around for invites.

Have you considered volunteering? Great people can be found there. Small circles of friends outside the home are needed.

OP, what are you offering out to people, rather than wanting to get in return?
It may be you're coming across as needy and demanding - e.g expecting things to happen in the evening when everyone else has their free time in the day.
As you're self employed, can you rearrange your own schedule?
And then volunteer for things and take a genuine interest in people you meet rather than look on it as a way for you to make friends.

Firebreathingwoman

It may be you're coming across as needy and demanding - e.g expecting things to happen in the evening when everyone else has their free time in the day.

I really hope I don't come across as needy and demanding. Most of my friends here work full-time. They don't have free time in the day. So when I try to organise meet ups/nights out/drinks/outings, it's at weekends not weekdays.

As you're self employed, can you rearrange your own schedule?

I have some flexibility, i.e. I can manage my own workload as long as I'm available/contactable during office hours. Depending on what I'm working on, I could start very early and finish early occasionally. Or start very early, finish late and have a slightly longer lunch break, etc.
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I moved to a small market town on my own in my 30s. Tbh, I found that the best and longest lasting friendships came through employment, but as you are self employed that's a bit difficult! The next few friends came via walking my dog and meeting the same people over and over again.

It was exactly the same for me when I moved from London to Sussex in my 30s (63 now). I'd only been here a matter of weeks when a woman I used to see dog walking invited me to drinks at her house (it was her birthday).

I went and although they were mostly a fair bit older than me, they were friendly and interesting and quite involved in local politics. After that, I kept bumping into people from that evening all over the place, got invited for a spontaneous pub lunch when in Waitrose, to join people on a trip to a stately home, to see bands and all sorts of things.

I also made quite a few friends just by popping into pubs on my own, or with the dog. A quick drink after work turned into an all evening piss-up when I got chatting to some strangers and they invited me to join their team for the quiz that night. The 4 of us have been really good friends for years now. I took a picture to be framed, got chatting to the framer about paintings, got an invite to a vernissage out of it, and have a fair few friends among local artists (god knows why, I have no artistic inclinations at all).

I wonder if you're being a bit restrictive about the age? One of my close "Sussex friends" is in her 80s, so 20+ years older than me, another friend is 25 years younger, I was originally friends with her sister who has since moved abroad and I think she regards me as a sort of sister-substitute. I never think about age when I meet people, just whether we "click" or not.

What about friends you had from school, university and before you moved over to this town?

LakieLady

After that, I kept bumping into people from that evening all over the place, got invited for a spontaneous pub lunch when in Waitrose, to join people on a trip to a stately home, to see bands and all sorts of things.

I took a picture to be framed, got chatting to the framer about paintings, got an invite to a vernissage out of it

Wow. I never get spontaneous invites like the ones you describe. How do you do it?

I wonder if you're being a bit restrictive about the age? I never think about age when I meet people, just whether we "click" or not.

I'm not restrictive about age. The fact is that the people I know who are all older than me do not seem too keen to engage with me socially on a regular basis.

Ideally I would like to have friends of all ages. I currently do not have any female friends in the age range 35 - 50, for example.

You mentioned going to a local pub. I would like to go to a local pub once a week, but DH isn't really up for it. We go once every 6 to 8 weeks or so, on a Friday or Saturday night. DH doesn't want to go out during the week, when the following day is a workday, even if there is an event on at our local pub, e.g. a quiz night or live music.

Op, I am 3 months into joining a writing group. I am 40. Ages range from 35 to 75. I am in s village but drive into city to attend. We all bring a lot to the group and if we have kids, dogs, pets...it just doesn't matter. There are then readings at local venues, meet ups, people will send out emails if a particular project or comp might interest anyone. Even just one group opens up your world socially. So I would just start going to something (or a few things) or start a group yourself. Someone mentioned a dog earlier...that opens up stuff. Join the local dog training class. Set out and walk...worlds your oyster

chopc

What about friends you had from school, university and before you moved over to this town?

They all live in the country where I grew up. I'm not from the UK.

Whispering Pines

I could have written everything you wrote and I do not live in a small town. I do work from home, which makes making friends more difficult. I have two children, but as they have got older and don't need as much attention, I want to go out more. I love all the things you do, but can I find anyone to go with without a month of messages back and forth? No. Luckily DH also shares many of my interests but I would simply love to meet someone for a drink on Friday evening without having to chase them constantly. It is always me who does all the running, and I am sick of it. Many of my friends have children who are grown, and no elderly ppl to look after, so I don't understand it.

I too have no siblings or university friends in this country so I understand your isolation. I don't think you sound too intense or overbearing, and I would be your friend in a heartbeat if you were near me. Please don't rule out people with children ( you haven't I think, but just saying). I treasure my child free friends and they add so much to my life.

What has worked best for me are book clubs. I have joined three! I read a lot. but also I find that they are better than most classes for making friends because they naturally allow for discussions on art, history, architecture and the like. I have made about two friends from there that I plan to nurture.

Try an app called “Meetup” You get group meet up invites based on your interests. It’s amazing!
www.meetup.com/

Would your DH consider going to the pub more frequently for a bit, just until you get to know some people and feel comfortable going on your own?

Once you've been a few times and learned some names you can join a pub quiz team, or say hi to some people and then listen to the live music, without him.

It seems that his lack of interest in going places and doing things is a part of your problem here.

I'd like to come back to this when I have more time. I empathise, I really do. I have managed to slowly turn acquaintances into closer, more natural and spontaneous friendships, but it has taken a long time and at times I thought I never would. And I have the advantage that I moved to this village when my children were small, so initially met people largely through school. I had lots of acquaintances to choose from, and slowly found the ones that really worked. I am sure it is harder without the school connection. Also, my village is very sociable somehow - I think because most people didn't grow up here. Or if they did they went away first. So people are keen to make new friends. So casual friends are quite easy to find.

I don't have any advice at the moment. You've obviously already thought of and tried a lot of things. You aren't stupid.

Hi OP not read the whole thread we live in a small market village rather than town, with very similar demographic profile, we do have higher than average number of retired people. Im a similar age as to you work full time but most of my friends here are older than me 60's/70's they are brilliant friends. I also know lots of other local people how, bearing in mind I never set a toe in any of our local pubs and am not a member of any local organisation? I have a dog so I regularly bump into local people when out for a walk and stop for a chat most people with dogs are very friendly and often love to walk with other people. I do appreciate this may not be realsitc its just a suggestion.

You say your not from the UK originally.

Prejudice may be at play - as in, pre-judging. So If you're American you may well come across to many British as loud and self-referential etc.

The other thing that jumped out is that you've mentioned "confiding" several times and I wonder if that is what makes you come across as intense. Combine wanting to "confide like sisters do" with cultural differences and you may indeed be putting people off unknowingly.

Being lonely is horrible and I am in a not dissimilar situation: I live alone in a market town I moved to a year ago. It's hard. You have been given heaps of ideas in this thread though.I've tried a zillion ways of phrasing this nicely and failed so I'll just say it - have some counselling ideally group therapy to see how big the gap is between how you think you come across and how you do come across. Best of luck.