AIBU to think making friends in a rural market town is hard?

[WhisperingPines]

(I may have to split this post into 2 parts if it gets too long - apologies!)

I’m 51, DH is 60. Married for 21 years. No children.

14 years ago we moved from London to a small, rural market town. I thought making friends in a small community would be easy…

I’m self-employed and I work mainly from home. I also go on business trips – I’m away for ± 1 week out of every 5 or 6 weeks.

DH and I like this town. It’s charming and chocolate box pretty. It’s clean and crime levels are low, but I find the social aspect of living here rather disappointing. People are very friendly and courteous but ‘casual acquaintances’ hardly ever transition into ‘friends’, let alone close friends.

The town has a population of ± 13,000 and consists predominantly of 1) families with pre-school & school age children, 2) teenagers & people in their early twenties, and 3) retired/elderly people. The town is family-oriented, and caters especially to parents, their children and the retired community.

We’ve lived here for nearly 14 years and I’ve not made one friend the same age as me! We do have a small circle of friends but they’re all older than me (mid/late 50s to early 60s). We met most of these people not long after we moved here, and some others a couple of years later.

However we haven’t made any new friends since around 2011/2012 …

We meet up with the same group of friends 2 or 3 times per year, mainly to mark special occasions. However, trying to get our friends to commit to meeting up with us/me on an individual basis (as opposed to a group situation) - be it for coffee in town, a pint at a local pub, or dining out at weekends, is like pulling teeth!
Perhaps our friends have ‘moved on’ as their personal lives and family circumstances have changed over the years?

When I turned 50 I decided I’d waited long enough for new friendships to develop ‘naturally’. DH and I felt that we had relied on the same circle of friends for too long, so I wanted to try new things and meet new people.

I joined a friendly local gym and I started going for walks. So I’m doing new activities and I keep fit, which is great. I make small talk with other people in the gym and with other walkers I meet, but that’s about it. I’m not really making new friends and I feel I haven’t really achieved an awful lot.

TO BE CONTINUED …

I've lived for 13 years now in a small Scottish town and the only local friends I have I know through work. After having had children at the same primary school since 2009 I can still walk into school/village hall/sports venue for some event and the circle of people standing around chatting isn't opening up to invite me in but it will when a local person arrives. I don't even think it's done on purpose.
I don't even mind for myself, I have plenty of contacts through work, collegues who have become friends, but I think my children have at times been excluded from things when they were younger because of it.

Haven't RTFT. I third getting a dog.

Also, I know the sort of place you are taking about and I wonder if others are intimidated by your interests. Do you need to move somewhere a bit more cosmopolitan? It maybe stay were you are but travel to a larger city for the social side.

Stay *where you ae

I lived in a village in my 20s/30s

Worse mistake of my life. Lovely village aesthetically but the people were just not on my wave length.
Spent 12 years there and never made a single friend.
I could go for 2 weeks and not have a face to face conversation with anyone when Dp was away.
I too worked from home and had a dog.
I don’t drink, I am not Christian and I didn’t have children.

Best decision was when we decided to move.
We are now in a soulless bungalow in the burbs of north London and I couldn’t be happier. Have so many more friends.

Since met a couple of other people who actually were born and brought up there and who knew exactly what I meant. They described themselves (neither knew each other, different generations) as escapees.

@MariaNovella your comment made me laugh out loud.

My friend has struggled to make friends she’s 50 and lives in a city centre. Groups are fine but it’s hard to get lasting friendships and initiating meaningful conversation.

I would highly recommend the WI

A dog is hard work, but i would higgky recommend getting a kitten for everyone who works from home. I got one recently and he has really helped beat the isolation. Plus he makes me laugh.

I find this too. I think if you've lived in a city, especially one you weren't born in, then you get really good at making friends but a lot of that's down to everyone else being in the same position as you so they reciprocate. When you move to the country the other people don't have the same incentive.

I spoke to some-one about this who said that she had a big family so she didn't need friends - I think a lot of people think like that tbh. I find more transient populations are usually much friendlier which goes against how many people think of as big scary cities where no-one talk to you.

For those saying go to the pub.

If it is anything like the ones in the village I used to live near I wouldn’t recommend it.

Dp used to go to the pub and didn’t want to move. He had “friends” there.

Till I pointed out to him that these so called friends never did anything other than going to the pub and they all followed a certain pathway.

When it dawned on him that he was following the same path then we moved

Does your town have a facebook page, like 'spotted in.....' etc. I live near a small market town and there's a Facebook group that people post all sorts on, and I have seen occasional anonymous posts from people saying they're new to town or looking to make new friends and would people be interested in meeting up for coffee. There always seems to be quite a few replies from people in a similar situation.

I'm in my late 30s and do have friends locally, but find it harder and harder to get people together. Everyone is busy with their own lives and trying to find a date that suits all is nearly impossible. Nobody is as spontaneous as we used to be.

I hope you have some luck op

I appreciate that you are in a difficult situation. I have Quite a few close friends that I met in the playground. I had a large choice of women to be friends with. Through 2 x ds's. You've missed that chance.

I now have a number of different groups: two women who I regularly meet up with with or without children to share a bottle of wine/pub meal. I have two friends who live locally, literally across the road who I pop in and see regularly for a cup of tea or a glass of wine. and I have three friends who we are in and out of each other's houses all the time, WhatsApp chat where we chat daily/every couple of days, moaning about twatty bosses or irritating teenagers, going to concerts, going abroad for long weekends to Berlin or Krakow. these women are all late 40's.

This is what you need.

But I think you may be looking in the wrong places, because you're looking at elderly people, those clubs you've already looked in are a bit boring? If retired they may want this close level of friendships but maybe they've already got it?

you might need to try some younger places, younger groups? with more younger mums who are looking for a good time, a giggle, and close friendship?

I think you're in a demographic that's sparsely populated. Most people your age do have children and will be in the middle of ushering kids through the teen years and exams. I think the only way forward is join groups. We've lived in a few countries now and Brits especially those outside major cities are the hardest group to crack socially. Social contact is more formal and circled are smaller.

I think you may be overthinking it, especially with the clubs. you're away one week in five or six? yeah and? who cares!

I have close friendships because I want close friendships and a many of my friends are away on business in Amsterdam etc, all the time.

that doesn't make any difference. I have a lot time on my hands and so can have a cuppa tea or a glass of wine at the drop of a hat, because my boys are a bit older I can meet up just about most evenings apart from when they're doing football etc, so you probably just need someone like me with a lot of availability!

and then it wouldn't matter whether you are Meeting at the said book club on a Tuesday because once you make the friendship and it starts to develop, hopefully your'll be popping round to each other's houses all the time,and then the book club won't matter, because both of you probably won't bother going to it anymore!!

What's worked for me is getting involved in organising things, working with other people rather than simply participating in an activity with them. You get closer to people by being involved with them in something whose success depends on both your contributions. Lead walks rather than just going on them. Organise an evening charity event - my small town is raising money for a specific purpose and the evening events are well attended.

"We must get together some time" often means "I'm well disposed towards you but I'm not particularly interested in extending my social circle so lets move on to talking about something else instead". You can sift out those who don't want to take things further by saying "would you like to get something in the diary now or are you a bit snowed under at the moment?"

40s-50s is a difficult time. A lot of people are still focused on their newly independent children and/or have elderly parents to support, on top a full time job; others are revelling in being able to spend time with their partners for the first time since children and don't want to make new friends. I'd go for what's available, and target the newly-retired - age matters less amongst that group - some may be interested in grandchildren and nothing else, others will be doing degrees, canoeing around the coast of scotland, rock climbing, potholing etc.

I'm not trying to be glib OP, but the answer is staring you in the face. Move to a city. Your interests are better catered for in a city. People are also more inclined to be spontaneous, and the transient nature of friendships in large urban areas makes people more open to new friendships. Finally, I'd say childfree couples your age are more likely to be city based.

Finding people who want the same level of friendship as you, is actually VERY hard.

On Mn, half the posters have..... young kids, Husbands and marriages to maintain, other groups of friends, jobs.

And that's before you've even started looking at personalities and whether you're a shy quiet person who doesn't really open up that much and really only wants pleasant acquaintances.

What sort of friendship level do you want OP?

And once you've decided that actually finding it, ie likeminded, emotionally similar women, is like trying to find a needle in a haystack!!

You know, your personality and interests would be ideally suited to expat living.

I’ve no answers for you WhisperingPines but if you lived near me I’d go for coffee with you

Agree with PPs who point out that 37-50 is the sandwich generation, many trying to cope with children and parents. Not that you won't meet them but there is less chance of it.

One suggestion I would make is, if you drive, to cast the net wider round neighbouring towns and villages. When I had my first child I joined the mother and baby group in my village, and also the one in the next village about 10 miles away. The former was a bigger but looser, more transient group and I haven't stayed in touch with anyone. The latter group all stayed friends and we go for lunch, coffee etc. It may be that your future friends just happen to be going to WI in Little Netherbottom on a Tuesday night instead of Pilates in Upper Codswallop on a Thursday night.
You can always go a few times then leave if no potential friends are there.

OP I think you have the added problem of being nearly a full ten years younger than your husband, so his friends and their wives are likely to be 60 plus.

In addition looking at your love of museums and architecture, is much more suited to city living no? People generally move out to the countryside to enjoy country activities, walking, riding, shoots, cosy country pubs and the quiet.

You say your friends do not want to join you for your outings, I am guessing because their interest lie elsewhere. It is not to say country folk do not like to go to cities and enjoy art, theatre etc once in a while, but we don't move to the country to do the things you describe.

You would love living overseas where people do not have family nor many close friends and they are very sociable, their friends are as good as family. This would really suit you.

My guess is you are sandwiched in a place that may be pretty but doesn't suit you, with an older husband and his boring friends, and you are dying a slow death being starved by a lack of interesting and cultural fun. Move! Definitely! Life is too short to be in the wrong place for too long.

have you stuck your nose in the local church to see what the demographic there is (might be younger than most if there is a church school). As our vicar said - you don't have to be religious to go to church, a lot of people here are here for the company.

We've moved to the country from the city but I've no illusions. People aren't here to meet new people and do interesting things. They are here because they were born here and already have a full social life or they left the city to get away from people not meet new ones. I think you're in the wrong place OP.

I agree with what MeredintofPandiculation said about actually leading and organising and initiating an activity of there isn't one to your liking in your area. It does make for longer lasting friendships.

And with what Oblomov says about eventually the focus of the thing you were organising, ie book club, doesn't eventually stay the focus once friendships have taken off and developed.

but yes echo PP it doesn't sound like you have found the best fit. I come from a rural town (moved to the suburbs of a very large city) and about to move to another rural town.

Most people living there will be more into country pursuits, walking, climbing, riding, dog walking/training etc. Most importantly go to the pub, a lot!

A lot of people living there will have lived there all their lives, have family there, school friends, their parents probably all went to school together.

The secret is to get yourself known, to embrace the sorts of activities others are doing, ime there's a lot less room for individuality in a small market town. Get yourself a dog! more people will talk to you.

But be honest- it might all look very pretty but does it really suit you. country living is not just city living with fields, it requires a totally different mindset. If your mindset is more suited to other environments, small rural towns are not known for their cultural diversity and actually for many people living there this is not seen as a negative.

If you choose to stay.You need to embrace any town activity that happens even if its not up your street - this is the culture of the town and everyone will go or be having a go about it, if the fair is in, go. if there is a fete, go. if there is a celebration round a local custom go. You will get your face known and give you something to talk about.

What did you expect? People in rural places are not going to have lots of intellectually engaging interests.

OP, as others have said, a good bet is to get involved in local clubs and societies. I have never known a committee that doesn't seize upon someone who offers to join it. I live in a significantly smaller place than you do, and there are umpteen local organisations, all of which are permanently keen to find people to help out.

The good thing about things like bookclubs is that they meet regularly and often in people's homes. I have bookclub friends I barely see in between times, but if any of us has a party, we invite the others.

Have you thought about joining an active local political party? That's what we did when we moved to our market town. The members often know the local area really well and you quickly make lots of friends on your doorstep. It doesn't even really matter if you're not massively political, we often go to the pub, the theatre, go for walks etc. Also, people active in politics often get involved in other local networks like allotments, flowers, walking, music etc.