AIBU to think making friends in a rural market town is hard?

[WhisperingPines]

(I may have to split this post into 2 parts if it gets too long - apologies!)

I’m 51, DH is 60. Married for 21 years. No children.

14 years ago we moved from London to a small, rural market town. I thought making friends in a small community would be easy…

I’m self-employed and I work mainly from home. I also go on business trips – I’m away for ± 1 week out of every 5 or 6 weeks.

DH and I like this town. It’s charming and chocolate box pretty. It’s clean and crime levels are low, but I find the social aspect of living here rather disappointing. People are very friendly and courteous but ‘casual acquaintances’ hardly ever transition into ‘friends’, let alone close friends.

The town has a population of ± 13,000 and consists predominantly of 1) families with pre-school & school age children, 2) teenagers & people in their early twenties, and 3) retired/elderly people. The town is family-oriented, and caters especially to parents, their children and the retired community.

We’ve lived here for nearly 14 years and I’ve not made one friend the same age as me! We do have a small circle of friends but they’re all older than me (mid/late 50s to early 60s). We met most of these people not long after we moved here, and some others a couple of years later.

However we haven’t made any new friends since around 2011/2012 …

We meet up with the same group of friends 2 or 3 times per year, mainly to mark special occasions. However, trying to get our friends to commit to meeting up with us/me on an individual basis (as opposed to a group situation) - be it for coffee in town, a pint at a local pub, or dining out at weekends, is like pulling teeth!
Perhaps our friends have ‘moved on’ as their personal lives and family circumstances have changed over the years?

When I turned 50 I decided I’d waited long enough for new friendships to develop ‘naturally’. DH and I felt that we had relied on the same circle of friends for too long, so I wanted to try new things and meet new people.

I joined a friendly local gym and I started going for walks. So I’m doing new activities and I keep fit, which is great. I make small talk with other people in the gym and with other walkers I meet, but that’s about it. I’m not really making new friends and I feel I haven’t really achieved an awful lot.

TO BE CONTINUED …

WI was set up to meet this need. Have you tried that OP?

Join a choir? It's a good place to meet a lot of people all at once.

Set up your own book group once a month? Read bks that you think your age group would like?

I second getting a dog! You can exercise and meet people all at the same time. I have dogs and rarely go for a walk without meeting someone new (and I live in a very "unchatty" country) or meeting a "regular".

Join the WI, make sure it’s an evening one so you get the same demographic as you. I joined at 34 five years ago, and have made some wonderful friends. There are lots of splinter clubs which means smaller groups doing things like going out for dinner or walking or having a shared passion of an activity, which means you get closer to lots of people faster. I did this after moving to a market town of 40,000 and feeling the same as you.

You need an activity which involves actual interaction with other people, not just a solo activity like the gym where you’re in the same room as other people also doing solo activity.

Good luck!

I live somewhere similar and I can see how this would happen - I know very few people without DC, though they must be here somewhere!

If you're in my town OP, come and join the brass band - we're lovely!

To be fair you do sound a bit intense

Intense - how? I don't bombard people with messages or calls. I typically message friends individually about every 8 weeks or so, suggesting we meet up. That's not intense, or is it? To me that's normal human interaction.

I'm at the beginning of your situation - DH (36) and I (33) moved to a small market town (population 3500!) 6 months ago, we know no-one here, have no kids, I work from home etc etc.

I'll be following with interest, to see what I can apply to my own circs, to meet some people.

If it makes you feel any better, from what you've said and your list of interests, I'd happily be your friend if we lived in the same place!

Obviously it does depend what is happening where you live and how dead your town is, but possibilities might include:
Volunteering - community arts venue, museum, litter picking, food bank, library, charities, book festival, conservation volunteers
Societies to join and be on the committee: historical, conservation, sport, music...
With many of these you only really get beyond small talk once you are on the committee, but ime most societies of all sorts are keen to attract new blood rather than jealously guarding committee positions.

I think you need to bite the bullet and join things, even though that's not what you would like to do necessarily. It doesn't matter if you miss some sessions. Try the groups out and see how it goes. Have an open mind.

Also, what about neighbours? Could you invite some round for a coffee or a drink in the evening or organise a summer bbq for a few of your neighbours?

Are there coffee shops locally? Could you go and do your work in one of those for a couple of hours a week? Although I doubt you'd have people approach you if you're sitting there with a laptop out, you'd see if regulars go in and could at least just pass the time of day with them to start with.

I know how you feel. Moved to a similar place when my youngest was in First school and hoped to make parent friends but didn't. I've largely worked from home or been out of work which makes it more difficult, coupled with the fact I've always found it hard to make friends anyway makes me a bit lonely. Lots of stuff going on here aimed at the active retired which will be great in 20 years. When I settle into my next job I'm going to get myself to church again and look at the possibility of some volunteer work. I need to do the work to fix this and it's going to be very hard!

TheCountessofFitzdotterel We're the same age, your story of friendships in a small town mirrors mine and I share your sentiments. Most of my friends are older but it doesn't seem to matter. We should meet for coffee

PS have you tried Meet Up, lots on there for all sorts of interests.

The thing is, I am nearly your age (50) and I have a near teenage daughter and after work and all the running around after dd, and helping elderly PIL, I can't be bothered socialising, I am too knackered. I see friends (really close friends) for a coffee maybe every month or so and go out in the evening maybe every couple of months and all my local friends are the same, we are just either really busy with kids and work or just knackered so please don't take peoples' behaviour personally, try to understand that at this time in our lives a lot of us have a lot of commitments.

Anyway, I agree with pp, our local WI is supposed to be brilliant (and full of younger women) so maybe give that a go?

Or how about organising or initiating a "once a month" activity where people don't have to come regularly but just drop in as they like?

For example: book or plant swapping? (This works well because they have to drop back in the next or following month to return the thing they've swapped.)

Fund-raising cake bake/cocktail evening?

Walk around the town followed by pub visit meet-up?

Advertise it well on Facebook and in library/community centres/pubs etc as "once a month on xday afternoon or night, just turn up" and you will find that people do tend to turn up precisely because there is less pressure to do so!

I initiated something similar when I moved to a new country as an expat and had no friends. Twenty years on and my half of my closest friends are still the people I met at that activity! It was hard work doing the organising at times but you reap what you sow and all of that! Good luck!

I could have written this post, like you work from home in a small rural market town I have tried the gym, volunteering, the pub, craft courses, golf, I have a dog, but all of this is around working hours. I even joined a Lunch club. Ive made "acquaintances" but no friends. Im lucky in that I live in a fabulous place so "old" friends do come and visit, which is a lifeline, but boy can it be lonely.

I see what you are saying - it is easy to make casual friends, but not intimate friends.

I wouldn't expect someone I had just met to suddenly become a close friend - maybe you are rushing things? Or just wait and you will find friend who wants the same sort of interaction.

In a settled market town, most people have family and friends that keep them busy. I have noticed that closer relationships occur between people who have recently moved and don't have local ties. Go to activities and pubs etc and look out for people who have recently moved to the area. If you help them settle in, you might make good friends there.

TurboTeddy.

I actually have more localish friends I have met via Mumsnet than mum friends met via my kids, despite having 3 kids!

OP, I've just thought of other places where I've made friends - I go to 2 different exercise classes within the village, these always involve coffee and a natter after. The other was having an allotment. I gave it up years ago, but got to know so many local people and we still stop and chat, but of course, they are not intimate friends.
My closest friend moved about 150 miles away. We still see each other about 4 times a year. It involves a long drive but we are happy to do it. Sometimes you really do have to make that effort to keep friendships going.
We are also involved in fundraising for a local church (I am not religious but no one minds, we care about the structure of the building).
Another thought - go to all the local functions you can, like an am-dram performance, flower shows, concerts etc. Some of them are brilliant (or inadvertently brilliantly funny) and you will become a 'regular' face.

franklymydearidontgivea I live in a fabulous place too; nobody has even tried to use me as a free holiday base yet!

I'm a bit younger than you, with kids but due to DH being military we've moved around a lot. I've moved to 4 different places at different ends of the country in the last 14 years. Every time I've made friends, and it's not because of kids or other military people. I just get involved. I joined amateur dramatics groups, choirs, I used to have horses and that was a great 'in' to friendship group too. Join the groups and enjoy them for what they are, don't join them and expect to be instantly befriended. Just give it time and stick with something you actually enjoy.

I also looked at our local WI but all their activities are in the middle of the day, usually mid week. I work full time.

Thanks for the suggestions everyone. There is a WI branch here so that might be an option.

I sometimes wonder if it is the way I come across.

A female friend of mine who lives the town where I grew up in my home country is 52, long divorced, no children, no new partner. She is a very, very social animal and she has a MASSIVE circle of friends and acquaintances. She loves socialising and going out with friends and doing things.
She doesn't enjoy her own company much. All she needs to do is ring up a few of her female friends, suggest a get together, and immediately she has a posse. Even at short notice. How she does it, is a big question mark. My friend has always been like this, since the days we were children.
She is also very quick to reply when I contact her. She is a loyal friend.

Sometimes I wish I had a magic wand!

What did you expect? People in rural places are not going to have lots of intellectually engaging interests.

What did you expect? People in rural places are not going to have lots of intellectually engaging interests

Of course many of them do, Maria! Just as not everyone in cities is particularly "intellectually engaging".

Well I think it's very much one's character. If you gave me a choice of socialising or a good book, I would usually plump for the book. I think it's very hard if you are not naturally outgoing.
Anyway, good luck op.

'What did you expect? People in rural places are not going to have lots of intellectually engaging interests.'

With the greatest respect, that's bullshit.
Some do, some don't...just like in cities!