AIBU to think making friends in a rural market town is hard?

[WhisperingPines]

(I may have to split this post into 2 parts if it gets too long - apologies!)

I’m 51, DH is 60. Married for 21 years. No children.

14 years ago we moved from London to a small, rural market town. I thought making friends in a small community would be easy…

I’m self-employed and I work mainly from home. I also go on business trips – I’m away for ± 1 week out of every 5 or 6 weeks.

DH and I like this town. It’s charming and chocolate box pretty. It’s clean and crime levels are low, but I find the social aspect of living here rather disappointing. People are very friendly and courteous but ‘casual acquaintances’ hardly ever transition into ‘friends’, let alone close friends.

The town has a population of ± 13,000 and consists predominantly of 1) families with pre-school & school age children, 2) teenagers & people in their early twenties, and 3) retired/elderly people. The town is family-oriented, and caters especially to parents, their children and the retired community.

We’ve lived here for nearly 14 years and I’ve not made one friend the same age as me! We do have a small circle of friends but they’re all older than me (mid/late 50s to early 60s). We met most of these people not long after we moved here, and some others a couple of years later.

However we haven’t made any new friends since around 2011/2012 …

We meet up with the same group of friends 2 or 3 times per year, mainly to mark special occasions. However, trying to get our friends to commit to meeting up with us/me on an individual basis (as opposed to a group situation) - be it for coffee in town, a pint at a local pub, or dining out at weekends, is like pulling teeth!
Perhaps our friends have ‘moved on’ as their personal lives and family circumstances have changed over the years?

When I turned 50 I decided I’d waited long enough for new friendships to develop ‘naturally’. DH and I felt that we had relied on the same circle of friends for too long, so I wanted to try new things and meet new people.

I joined a friendly local gym and I started going for walks. So I’m doing new activities and I keep fit, which is great. I make small talk with other people in the gym and with other walkers I meet, but that’s about it. I’m not really making new friends and I feel I haven’t really achieved an awful lot.

TO BE CONTINUED …

Haven't RTFT but OP my advice would be to get involved with the organising of stuff and not just the attending.

You may feel like you're putting in more than others, or going more than half way on friendships. But if you want friendships that's what you have to do at the start.

IME friendships are built on doing 'stuff' together. So that in two years time you can reminisce or plan something new. It takes a long time. And people attend you are busy!

You're going to have to think of stuff that goes on in the evenings or at weekends. Check out your local history group, see what's going on on Facebook locally, food bank, which schools might need governors, WI, craft groups. Can you organise a trip from your local pub to a city art exhibition with lunch thrown in? Ask the landlord... Win win!

You can't expect people to knock on your door and ask you to come and play exactly when and how it suits you at 51!

I find it quite sad that there is an almost acceptance that when you move to the country everyone has already got enough friends so they won’t need anyone else.

Where as in a city you make loads of friends because people are a lot more open to making new friends

Yup...difficult.

I'm similar. ...

I do think it's a numbers game...

Getting to the point that we're considering leaving our pretty market town an hour from London. 5 years in. ..plenty of acquaintances...no one we've really 'clicked'with. No one we particularly want to invite round for supper.

We have tried ...loads of times...the couple who were consume hy their niche hobby and talked about it solidly for 4 hours..the other couple who drank 4 bottles of wine between them on a school night....the other couple we really liked...into similar art/festivals etc that made not very veiled overtures for a bit of swinging...

Also doesn't help that we live in a town that has no local university /hospital which have potential for loads of folk who may have similar interests...

Which area do you live in OP? When I lived in Cheltenham there was a thriving laptop Friday. ..where anyone at home met up locally for drinks/food /chat on a Friday.

Have you thought of coworking spaces? You can meet loads if working age adults this way

I've only skim read the thread, but what jumped out the most at me is that you come across a bit...intense. The opening post is very long winded, and I suspect if you're that verbose in real life that might put some people off.

Or it can happen that someone says 'we must get together one of these days' but when I actually try and book a date in the diary they go kind of silent, and then I have to chase them

^ Ime, when people say that, they don't really mean it, it's just one of those things you say in conversation to be polite. If they then go 'kind of silent', do yourself a favour, OP, and take their cue don't go on pestering chasing them.

Not RTFT but you're right. It is hard.

I moved from one small village to another. I grew up in the first and it's still where I go back to if I want to see my friends. I've not really made any in my town.

My experience of the smaller towns/villages is that the pubs are where most people socialise!

Hello, thank you very much for all your replies and helpful suggestions. I appreciate your input a lot.

friedaklein
can I find anyone to go with without a month of messages back and forth? No. I would simply love to meet someone for a drink on Friday evening without having to chase them constantly. It is always me who does all the running, and I am sick of it. Many of my friends have children who are grown, and no elderly ppl to look after, so I don't understand it.

It's disappointing but in a sad way I am glad that I'm not the only one who has experienced this. There was a point when I started thinking my imagination was playing tricks with my mind, and I was expecting too much from people here, that I wasn't being realistic. DH told me I'm not imagining things. He hardly ever gets invites from people either. They'll reply when he contacts them, but they never initiate.
And apparently we're not alone, from the many comments I've received ...

What baffles me is that it's not just 1 or 2 people in our friendship circle who don't seem too keen to do things together and have a close friendship with me/us. It's most of them! They are all very friendly people and we do meet up eventually, but most of the time it's in a group situation only a couple of times per year, or individual meet ups every once in a blue moon. Trying to meet up with them individually always feels like a drawn out process. Lots of messages back and forth, diary checking, waiting for a reply, sometimes changing the dates and so on. It gets tedious.

I will definitely have another look at local social groups and events. It's the time of year for village fetes and open gardens and festivals so that's good.

You have all given me a lot of fresh ideas, suggestions and support. Thank you very much.

Do you have a sense of humour, a willingness to help others and are you fun to be around?

You can't expect people to be your friend if there is no spark or common ground!

You say you live rurally so does that include being around animals or are you a suburban rural dweller?

Helping at the local pet rescue, Riding for Disabled or taking up any pursuit whatsoever that involves animals in this way and you then have a much wider social circle.

Your local online volunteer office will give you names of people ( befriending service) who would like visitors: may be for a day trip or just a cup of tea or lunch out ( which they pay for) or if they need their dog walking. Look it up op, there will be lots of opportunities in your area.

pasturesgreen

you come across a bit...intense. if you're that verbose in real life that might put some people off.

A couple of people have suggested I come across as a bit intense. Tbh I have never considered myself to be 'intense' or 'in your face'.

What could probably be seen as 'intense' is the fact that I'm very enthusiastic about the things I enjoy, whether it's food, or travelling, or music, or places or people. I am also a sociable person and I like a good chat and I like banter.

Or it can happen that someone says 'we must get together one of these days' but when I actually try and book a date in the diary they go kind of silent, and then I have to chase them

^ Ime, when people say that, they don't really mean it, it's just one of those things you say in conversation to be polite. If they then go 'kind of silent', do yourself a favour, OP, and take their cue don't go on pestering chasing them.

Could this be a cultural difference perhaps? I am not from the UK. I grew up in a country where people are friendly and jovial, but direct, we don't beat around the bush. This does not mean loud or intense. But suggesting a meet up with someone literally means you want to meet up with them. And then you make it happen.

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If I had the freedom that it sounds like you have then I would move back to a city - I'm planning to after the kids have finished school. I'm not saying you should give up but it's got to be an option?

Can you say whereabouts in the country you are?

OutInThe Country

Can you say whereabouts in the country you are?

Home Counties.

Yes, I was wondering if we should have moved to a bigger town instead. DH doesn't want to move. He likes it here. Life in a small market town suits him.
Everyone is very friendly. I have not met an unfriendly person since we moved here. People are pleasant and polite but they are rather reserved.
I wonder if this is typical for this area. Or is it typical for small towns in general?

Op, from what you have said in passing about both your personality and your profession, I think you would be a huge asset to a voluntary organisation.
If I was organising a community event and looking for volunteers I would absolutely snap you up!

Maybe you just need to move up north! Very friendly round these parts! runs and hides

I've been thinking about this some more. I do think that finding a close friend is a bit of a numbers game. Many of us will not find that every casual friend is easily going to become the sort of person who we can confide in, who will always make space for us in a busy week, who will feel comfortable just "being" with us. Personally I'm certainly not one of those people who attracts loads of close friends. And to be honest, I'm also pretty picky.

I have a lot of casual friends in the village. People I will happily spend time with in a large group. People who will invite me to parties. I can easily get 100 people to come to my house for a big birthday just from the village. But of those there are really only a couple that I have a sisterly relationship and it has taken me a long time to get there. I have been here 16 years. If I had only made 10 friends I probably wouldn't have found them. I had to work at making lots and lots of friends and them keep putting out feelers and gradually finding those who really clicked.

The problem is how do you find those numbers. For me it was fairly easy as I had toddlers. I said yes to absolutely everything even if it wasn't normally my thing. I became chair of the pre-school and later the PTA. I invited people to parties and got return invites. The book club was good to. I once I was part of the network, I met more people. It is a fairly sociable place. And I have worked through all of this, mostly full time.

So now I am thinking what I would do without the "in" of the toddler groups, PTA etc. I'm thinking volunteering, book group, tennis club, boat club, music group (I play in a large local wind band that has all ages which is great), rambling group... All those things happen here outside working hours. Then the larger social gatherings. Then find the people it is worth asking to go to see a film with, walk together, coffee etc. It does take time though and there may be lots of false starts.

You may find your age will start to work in your favour soon. I am just slightly younger then you and it is only fairly recently that my fellow parents are able to just leave the children spontaneously for walks, coffees, theatre outings etc. It makes a big difference. So at the moment you are stuck with slightly older people being the ones with more time, but you mind find that starts to change soon.

Don't give up! And if you are near Oxfordshire/Berkshire then let me know.

Heartlake

Re your suggestion of moving up North.

I know someone who grew up in Sunderland and another person who is originally from Liverpool. They are both friendly and also very direct and clear when they communicate. Very straight talking. No nonsense. You know where you stand. Ì like that.

It's similar to the way a lot of people in my home country would talk, or at least in the area where I grew up.

People around here are very friendly and pleasant too but they come across as being more reserved and formal, if that makes sense?

Are you Dutch? German? My husband is Dutch and people are more straightforward I think, but it can lead to misunderstandings.

Late to this thread, haven't read every post so apologies if this has been suggested...
Is there a local NWR [National Women's Register] group? Because it might be worth a look. I joined the local one when I moved into a small town and although my initial impressions were a bit negative I stuck at it and made some nice friends as well as enjoying their meetings.
Ditto a book group? Good place for those of us with firm opinions.

Thanks OP!

Moving up north may be a bit drastic though ha!

But yes, it's friendly round these parts.

Get a dog, get involved in running charity events... You'll never be lonely!

Good luck

Start a monthly supper club. They are excellent for meeting people.

I will suggest my remedy for all things...parkrun!

Walk, run or volunteer 😃 see if there is one near you!

This is a big thank you to all of you for your helpful ideas and suggestions. I'm going to have a fresh look at the social groups and clubs in our town and see if there are any that would suit my interests.

Also this time of year there are quite a lot of community events the area (village fetes, open gardens, country shows, etc) so I think I'm just going to go, whether DH or our friends are interested in coming along or not.
Life is too short and I really don't want to feel down anymore. I have no time to waste.

Once again, thanks very much for your support and for taking the time to reply.

Sorry, I've skim read as we're about to go out.

I live in a small rural market town too. I'm now in my mid-fifties. Most of my friends have come from the school gate as my DS is 12 (had him late!)

I also work at home so don't have people around during the day. Now DS has gone to secondary school it's harder to have the spontaneous get together's of 'are you walking into town, fancy a coffee' at the school gate. I'm also the one who always arranges a monthly get together of the 'now secondary' school mums who don't gather at a school gate anymore. But when I organise it, everyone comes!

I've come to realise a few things.

1. Everyone my age is at work during the week, mainly part time but still working. So meeting up in the day will never be spontaneous and they aren't always in a position to be able to text or email - like I am. So the organising will be through me for the time being. That's life. I work from home so I can text all day if I want, they can't.

2. My neighbour, who is in her 70s, has held a bridge meet up with her retired friends at her house every Wednesday for the past 15 years. She hosts, they bring cakes and sandwiches between them. I asked her why and she said if she didn't do it, it wouldn't happen.

I think there are just people who either have a busy life, don't want the hassle, are happy to be tootling along or who enjoy their own company. All of them are more than happy to get together but only if someone else organises it.

As far as inviting people and them not answering, this happens to me too. Two of the women, I've found out, are in difficult family circumstances at the moment so it's hard for them to commit. They don't want others to know what's going on. So I just keep the invitations to the coffee meet up going each month. When they're ready they will turn up. As long as one out of the group responds we meet up. Sometimes it's one or two others, sometimes it's 8 mums. All fine - life is just like that. I think the key is to set something up as a regular thing - like coffee on the first Saturday of the month at 11am. That way, those who are interested don't get the surprise 'are you free tonight'. My answer to that is usually 'no' because I want my family time after working all day. Whereas something that I know is on the calendar is more likely to happen.

Also think about helping out at the kind of places you enjoy. My ex-neighbour moved to Devon and helps at a local National Trust place on Saturdays'. It's taken time but she's built a nice group of friends from that.

And you mentioned the community events. Who organises those? I help at our local church, two of the mum's from the school organises the local Christmas market and another one helps to set up the school fayre. Her husband is involved with the local music festival and one of the mums and her husband have just joined the committee to save one of our local areas from being built on. Lots going on, all needing volunteers. Our town hall has all the details and it's also worth checking any Facebook page for the town.

Good luck, Whispering. Your local friends are out there - you just haven't met them yet!

What a lovely post LondonJax x

How about a local networking group? I live rurally and there are about four groups (I only joined one) that have monthly meetings to discuss various business things - mainly for people who have their own small businesses. Great for meeting interesting women who you might have more in common with.

Whispering

I know this has gone on for ever, but just wanted to say that today I got a call from someone wanting to have coffee, and I didn't have to do all the running. I nearly fell over with shock. It can happen. She then explained that she had had an illness in her family for a while.

It is true that sometimes people go through really busy times in their lives and may have difficult family circumstances they don't want to talk about. Don't see it as a snub.