AIBU to think making friends in a rural market town is hard?

[WhisperingPines]

(I may have to split this post into 2 parts if it gets too long - apologies!)

I’m 51, DH is 60. Married for 21 years. No children.

14 years ago we moved from London to a small, rural market town. I thought making friends in a small community would be easy…

I’m self-employed and I work mainly from home. I also go on business trips – I’m away for ± 1 week out of every 5 or 6 weeks.

DH and I like this town. It’s charming and chocolate box pretty. It’s clean and crime levels are low, but I find the social aspect of living here rather disappointing. People are very friendly and courteous but ‘casual acquaintances’ hardly ever transition into ‘friends’, let alone close friends.

The town has a population of ± 13,000 and consists predominantly of 1) families with pre-school & school age children, 2) teenagers & people in their early twenties, and 3) retired/elderly people. The town is family-oriented, and caters especially to parents, their children and the retired community.

We’ve lived here for nearly 14 years and I’ve not made one friend the same age as me! We do have a small circle of friends but they’re all older than me (mid/late 50s to early 60s). We met most of these people not long after we moved here, and some others a couple of years later.

However we haven’t made any new friends since around 2011/2012 …

We meet up with the same group of friends 2 or 3 times per year, mainly to mark special occasions. However, trying to get our friends to commit to meeting up with us/me on an individual basis (as opposed to a group situation) - be it for coffee in town, a pint at a local pub, or dining out at weekends, is like pulling teeth!
Perhaps our friends have ‘moved on’ as their personal lives and family circumstances have changed over the years?

When I turned 50 I decided I’d waited long enough for new friendships to develop ‘naturally’. DH and I felt that we had relied on the same circle of friends for too long, so I wanted to try new things and meet new people.

I joined a friendly local gym and I started going for walks. So I’m doing new activities and I keep fit, which is great. I make small talk with other people in the gym and with other walkers I meet, but that’s about it. I’m not really making new friends and I feel I haven’t really achieved an awful lot.

TO BE CONTINUED …

No - I have had plenty of experience living both rurally and in cities and there just isn’t the same level of intellectual engagement in communities with no university/cultural institutions/head offices/government/international institutions etc

What did you expect? People in rural places are not going to have lots of intellectually engaging interests

Oh dear

@MariaNovella - so you can't live in the country and be an intellectual?
What a strange (and not very intelligent) idea.

What did you expect? People in rural places are not going to have lots of intellectually engaging interests.

People in rural places are not going to have lots of intellectually engaging interests Oh dear indeed!

Such ignorance can only come from a Townee

Sorry trigger happy! Try again.

What did you expect? People in rural places are not going to have lots of intellectually engaging interests.

I really can't believe you typed that! I shall have to tell my circle of parochial morons.

Lol.
I am a writer and know quite a few other writers. Dh is a mathematician and has been on a government advisory panel so he is pretty engaged. Round here there are quite a few scientists, musicians, a couple of well known archaeologists and historians...
Sometimes we get into cars or on trains and travel to the big city where all the clever people are, too.

I in a (sort of) similar sit and had to eek out what was going on when I am around (in my case, every other weekend when child free). Its taken some years, but have now made friends through cycling (Breeze bike rides are women only led bike rides - country wide.. Some during the week but a lot at weekend), WI (not just for old people and esp good if you are into crafty/gardening stuff), Zumba (our group all have coffee and cake afterwards ), walking clubs, Park Run (either volunteering or running), martial arts etc. etc. I appreciate you aren't a natural joiner (I'm not either) but sometimes the ends require the means. It is far easier to make friends when you are doing a common activity, as it's a natural "in" to the conversation. If your town is anything like mine, you will also eventually find a cross over of people that you "know" which also helps e.g. a friend of a friend turned up at my Zumba class so we chat and that potentially leads to a deepening friendship.

It does take time but I am keenly aware that it is also easy to find excuses. I also used to think that not being around every week prevented me doing a regular activity - it really doesn't. Not everyone does every class every time for a variety of reasons i.e. illness, too tired, can't be bothered, got something else on etc. etc. If you are a regular enough face and friendly enough, it should be fine.

I thought making friends in a small community would be easy…

I think smaller pool of people actually makes it harder, plus if people are settled with families and friends they've known for decades or all their lives their need to make new actual friends is lower.

People who were friendly I found were often in similar situation of moved into area.

I think it spikes up once people retire or as they approach retirement as the suddenly have more time and don’t see people through work anymore.

What did you expect? People in rural places are not going to have lots of intellectually engaging interests.

I don't agree with MariaNovella. Most of the friends we know around here have intellectually/academically engaging interests.

Unfortunately a lot of the topics I am interested in are not necessarily their cup of tea. E.g. if they're interested in opera or politics and I like going around cities to look at modern architecture or study architectural history then the chances of my friends and I doing these things together are pretty slim.

If you're anywhere near Worcestershire I'd happily meet up with you OP. I went through similar when we first moved to this county 20 years ago. We've moved within the county a couple of times and I love where we are now. The first village we lived in people weren't unfriendly but didn't really want to engage, where we live now they are very welcoming of newbies.

Haven’t read all the replies OP but you sound lovely and fun and if you were near me I’d love to be your friend I’m not in my 50’s though, sorry

How about using meetup.com? I think it’s a website to make friends and you put in your area and then attend the local meet ups, everyone there is there to make friends and they organise different social evenings etc.

Failing that, and I know this sounds desperate but if you have a local, Facebook community page for your town, how about posting on there and saying you’re looking for like minded people to socialise with, to the pub, out for meals, to exhibitions etc. I bet there are lots of people feeling the sam way as you, too scared to do anything about it.

What did you expect? People in rural places are not going to have lots of intellectually engaging interests.

Wow, just Wow!.

Just because small rural communities don't have Oxbridge/the UN and the Home Office based there doesn't mean people are not going to be intellectually engaged. I live in a rural village and I am surrounded by professionally qualified and intellectually curious people. Also, we are allowed contact with the outside world occasionally even though we don't have world class museums on our doorstep.

Sometimes we get into cars or on trains and travel to the big city where all the clever people are, too
Do they let you in?

I think smaller pool of people actually makes it harder, plus if people are settled with families and friends they've known for decades or all their lives their need to make new actual friends is lower.

This is correct, bigKiteFlying

A lot of the people we know around here were born and brought up here in town (or near) and so were their parents and grandparents. They are all very friendly and they don't treat us like 'outsiders'. We have never felt unwelcome here.
Still it is very hard to convert 'acquaintances' into 'friends' tough.

'Do they let you in?wink'

I take my wellies off first and they don't realise

If I can be honest, dh is your age and I am a few years younger, but we are more or less the same age as you.

We are knee deep in trying to keep on top of things, and yes we are always busy with teen dc and younger dc. It is full on every single day.

We have elderly parents to care for, and full time jobs to hold down. I feel exhausted just keeping everyone and everything going.

In the nicest possible way we simply do not have time for indulgence. Going out for the evenings are confined to birthdays and christmas (we have lots and lots of them throughout the year) and there is no time.

People your age will be in this position too, and it is not that they don't like you or appreciate your invites and friendship, they are no doubt feeling they simply can not do it. That is why you are not receiving return invites and seeing them initiate outings and dinner etc.

Your older friends are in a better position to offer close friendships, having had children that have no doubt left home, and they will have more time.

If you don't have children or parents, then you will have double the amount of time that everyone else has.

Instead of organising nights out etc, why not drop over a homecooked meal for a friend who is struggling with time, or meeting them from work for a quick drink rather than a whole night out. If they enjoy running, join them a few times a week. Be a good friend, rather than expecting them to fill up your social diary.

In the kindest possible way, you are only seeing this from your own point of view, and you are failing to see how difficult life can be for others with very little time. I suspect your lack of awareness may be one of the reasons why you haven't formed the deep and meaningful friendships you desire.

Similar market town here (or maybe the same one?)
I'm a generation down, in my 30's, but my boss is mid 50's and lives in the same village. She does manage to meet and see people often, some of which are friends from kids school years, but others not. She does:
Dog walking daily on a large particular patch
Joined a book club- discuss the book for 15 mins with cake, then get on with a good chat once a month
Local walking group- yes, lots are older but still of a young mindset
Church- not an active church goer, but makes an effort on high days and occasions
Local theatre

I also have another friend who has opened up a small business here, and one of the greatest assets she has found is a local women in business group. They meet once a month, they will do events to promote each others businesses if they can and are very supportive.

It is hard to turn acquaintances into friends, but sometimes you just have to accept that you might feel uncomfortable if it doesn't work, and try anyway. Ask a neighbour down the street if they fancy going for a drink one night, or just go join a local yoga class by yourself. Ask yourself what your friend does differently that you wouldn't dare do (and I bet it's as simple as 'put yourself out there') and try it, pretend that you are her for a short while.

I also think tbh OP that there are just a lot of ‘boring’ people around 🙈 DH and I are very social, we are always up for having people over for drinks and dinner on a Saturday night etc, or throwing a party/ having a BBQ, but in all honesty it’s getting harder to get people to attend nowadays but I do think it’s because the majority of our friends have started having families and their priorities are just different. And the ones that don’t have children, well some of them are still up for being social and in all honesty, some have just gotten really stuck in their ways over the years and literally want to do nothing else but take their dog for a walk during the day and watch tv every night, every weekend.

I’m afraid I crave more excitement than that in my life. One of my friends that isn’t ever really up for what I would call ‘fun’ anymore is constantly badgering me and DH to meet up and go theirs for dinner. Wonderful you may think. The last 3 times we’ve been it’s literally been eat dinner (which has been lovely to be fair) and then they sort of just go off into their living room, put X- Factor or whatever other awful Saturday night tv is on, on and just zone out and sit there watching it. With DH and I a bit like That is literally their idea of a good time nowadays, I wouldn’t mind but all of us are only 33 and don’t have any children. At least have a glass of wine and a game or something, or go to the local pub, or just something. But the last time we went I remember sitting there, feeling really pissed off that we’d just driven 40 minutes to sit and watch X-Factor when I don’t even watch that rubbish at home

What did you expect? People in rural places are not going to have lots of intellectually engaging interests.

And the award for idiot comment of the week goes to.......

The most sociable couple I know who live in a village, organise loads of things themselves. They are both in their fifties and got involved in everything from fundraising events for the village hall repair fund, to monthly drinks for neighbours round their house.
I am in my fifties and have a number of friends, but do find some people as they get older do not want to socialise as much. They get old before their time.

*People your age will be in this position too, and it is not that they don't like you or appreciate your invites and friendship, they are no doubt feeling they simply can not do it. That is why you are not receiving return invites and seeing them initiate outings and dinner etc.

Your older friends are in a better position to offer close friendships, having had children that have no doubt left home, and they will have more time.*

Hi Springwalk, thanks for your post.

None of our friends here have children who still live at home. Some of them have grandchildren, but most of them don't.
And some don't have children.

Do you think you might come across as a bit demanding, perhaps? Your first post is full of bolding and extraneous detail, it's as though you think these people owe your friendship and you can't possibly work out why they're not responding to you. Sorry but I agree with a PP, it's all a little intense...

Are you wanting to meet friends as a ‘couple’ or on your own? We live in a similar sounding place, moved here a few years ago & I’ve found it really easy to make friends through volunteering, WI, Church etc. But I prefer female friendships rather than meeting up with other couples socially. My DH says he finds it hard to meet new people but I think he is far too ‘fussy’ about who he is prepared to spend time with, he wants to meet someone exactly like him ... whilst I enjoy having a more diverse range of friends.

Do you think you might come across as a bit demanding, perhaps? Your first post is full of bolding and extraneous detail, it's as though you think these people owe your friendship and you can't possibly work out why they're not responding to you.

Hi allworthwhile - thanks for your contribution.

I hope I don't come across as demanding! I am not bossy or a loudmouth. I am friendly and polite to people. In fact, I was quite reserved when I was younger, but I feel I am becoming more and more extroverted and sociable as I get older. My DH, on the other hand, used to be very sociable, but is now more of a 'couch potato' at weekends, whereas I like the excitement of going out and doing things.

I don't think people owe me their friendship at all. I am very enthusiastic about and involved in topics/activities that interest me. Perhaps this can be seen as 'intense'? I am interested in a wide variety of things (see my original post) so yes, I am a bit surprised that not many of our friends are keen to meet up and do some of these things with me.

Perhaps they already have enough hobbies and other commitments and not enough time to do more activities?

Please note from my post that I no longer have parents and I don't have siblings either. My aunts, uncles and cousins all live abroad. I feel lonely sometimes when I can't socialise or have a good natter with someone I can confide in (like you would with your mother, sister or best friend) - as opposed to a casual chat with an acquaintance I bump into in the street.